why do men leave

[WIcruizer]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

Now in no way am I saying this is the whole story, or that it's the case every time. But this is a pretty typical situation for a man to leave. I've sen it ahppen with a couple acquaintances, and heard quite a few stories about "friends of friends, etc.) Again, I'm not saying it's a VALID reason for leaving, but that's why men leave. Boredom, routine, not appreciated...

 

[dennis99ss]

We joke and tell him that we have a "cold war" going on because neither of us would give up our kids, so we have to live together. There is truth to that in that we have decided that we are going to stick together for better and worse.

What a great comment on today's pressures, etc. and how we handle them. While I am certainly not one without problems in marriage, etc., I always think that us being together has just got to be a lot better than us being apart, on many different levels. So, although we may fight, yell, scream, etc. I don't know what it would take to make me actually walk out. Actually, I can't think of what it would be, unless DW has been taking on 20 guys a night.....But then, I don't know if that would be enough to cause the hurt to the kids (21 maybe, but probably not 20, heheh)

But, I don't get it. I know guys who have walked out, and I don't get it. They walk out on everything, family, job, etc. and end up doing it all over again, with someone else, and then hardly seeing the kids from wife 1. I don't get it, but, I would think it has got to do something with the desire to run from responsibility, and, of course, a huge case of being selfish.

 

[dennis99ss]

My thoughts about WIcruizer's comments are that that is probably just a symptom. It may be the lifestyle of the sex, not just the sex. The sex can always be rented, for much cheaper than the divorce/walk out. It may be the feeling of being needed, being a stud, etc. But, if its just the act, go rent it.

 

[disykat]

I also hear of more women leaving than men. Maybe it's because many of the big employers for men around here involve lots of travel and overtime (they employee women as well, but they are male dominated fields). The women get tired of waiting and being lonely - not that that excuses it! DH has many coworkers that are either part time or full time single Dads and it has really helped him appreciate me and to be conscious of how his work affects the whole family.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

plenty of guys put on weight, drop the romance, don't help the wife much, etc. They're adults. It's easy enough to see the sex is bad because of the life getting too busy not paying enough attention. It should also be easy to see that the young naieve girl who gives him all the sex he wants in 7 years will be exactly like the wife he left and have a new set of kids, home, family. If sex is a chore for your wife maybe it's because you're not that good at it.

 

[ZachnElli]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

..

I don't think this is that true anymore. I see women around me taking better care of themselves more and more. The mom's at my kids' schools, their new ones and their old ones (moved over 1200 miles) had a large percentage of some pretty hot mama's! One of the mom's, her dh left her for the nanny and she (the wife) is a total babe. She said he was having a midlife crisis.

 

[F1Julie]

I don't think we should be so quick to judge. The only 2 people who really know what goes on in a marriage are the husband and wife. So many couples look "perfect" on the outside, but their lives could be full of problems and they are just good at not showing it.

 

[GillieRose]

My brothers wife left him and the girls saying she was trapped and need to live her own life. This also happened to my husbands friend at work. He came home and his wife just said it was over.

 

[NMAmy]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

Now in no way am I saying this is the whole story, or that it's the case every time. But this is a pretty typical situation for a man to leave. I've sen it ahppen with a couple acquaintances, and heard quite a few stories about "friends of friends, etc.) Again, I'm not saying it's a VALID reason for leaving, but that's why men leave. Boredom, routine, not appreciated...

I find that incredibly offensive. Yes, I would agree that boredom and routine can be a reason that a man would leave. But saying that a woman gaining weight is the reason? Give me a break.

If a good man were becoming bored, I think he should try to put some excitement back into life for both him and his wife--not run away.

Yes, my first husband left me. But I can guarantee that it was not because I was overweight, unattractive, or viewed sex as a chore--I believe my second husband would agree with me--heck, I'd even go so far as to say that my FIRST husband would agree with me. Insinuating that that is the REAL reason men leave is just insulting. There are many reasons that it happens and trivializing it is just rude to those that have had to live through something like this.

 

[SEAlla]

The women get tired of waiting and being lonely - not that that excuses it!

I saw this happen when I was with my ex who was in the Military. I was part of a support system comprised of 100+ wives and SO's that had DH's on the same ship. By the end of the 6 month tour more than half of them had cheated or plain up and left for another man. Funny thing was that the majority of the men they cheated with or left with were also military and would be on deployment too, eventually. So the women were no better off.

Now before I get flamed. This was something I experienced. If you or your SO is in the military, please don't take this as a personal attack.

 

[robinb]

I think divorce is inherently selfish. Sometimes people leave for their own mental or physical safety, but I think the vast majority of people leave because they are not happy.

 

[mickeyboat]

I really hope when I find someone to get married that it is for the right reasons and I never get bored of it. See - I have gotten bored or unhappy in relationships but I have ended them before the marriage talk. I guess that is why I want to be sure before I start talking marriage - I never want that to happen to me.

I hope you find the right person and it doesn't happen to you. But don't forget, marriage is hard work. Anyone who thinks the affection, intimacy, agreement and good times are going to fall like manna from heaven is sadly mistaken. It takes time and effort to make a marriage a good one.

Also. people change over the course of their lives. The 27 year old carefree, fun-loving person you fell in love with may not be the same person at 35 with two kids under the age of 5. You have to grow and change together, and work hard to maintain the same feelings you had at the beginning.

So make sure you won't get bored with someone, but also make sure you know that if you do happen to get bored, you will be willing to whatever it takes to make it fun and exciting again.

Denae

 

[Buckalew11]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

Now in no way am I saying this is the whole story, or that it's the case every time. But this is a pretty typical situation for a man to leave. I've sen it ahppen with a couple acquaintances, and heard quite a few stories about "friends of friends, etc.) Again, I'm not saying it's a VALID reason for leaving, but that's why men leave. Boredom, routine, not appreciated...

I agree with Dennis that this is more a symptom of deeper problems. I think men leave because they have a need to feel good about themselves and this other woman makes them feel that way. Sometimes wives just don't have time or make time to stroke a guys ego often enough.

I make the time and after 18 years of marriage, I can't even begin to think about being bored with him. I hope he's not bored with me!

 

[cardaway]

Do you REALLY want to know why? I mean REALLY? Close your eyes if you don't. Most of the men that leave do so because of their sex life, or lack thereof. We all know the formula. Couple gets married, wife puts on 10 pounds. Wife has children, puts on another 20-30 pounds or more over the years. Doesn't try hard to look attractive anymore, isn't passionate anymore...certainly not imaginitive. Sex becomes a chore for her she must check off the list once a month or so.

Now in no way am I saying this is the whole story, or that it's the case every time. But this is a pretty typical situation for a man to leave. I've sen it ahppen with a couple acquaintances, and heard quite a few stories about "friends of friends, etc.) Again, I'm not saying it's a VALID reason for leaving, but that's why men leave. Boredom, routine, not appreciated...

Any chance you listen to Tom Leykis? Sounds like 101.

Another reason (and I'm not saying it right, just passing this along) is the way the system is currently set up. Men who want change really have no other choice. If it's going to end, more often that not, men are being told just to jump ship rather than try and stick it out.

The end result is the same, there are no bonus points during the divorce hearings for trying to stick it out.

 

[WIcruizer]

I find that incredibly offensive.

Several of you have made similar comments. I chose my words very carefully to try to avoid this, but I should have expected it. Did I not carefully point out I DON"T AGREE with those reasons? These are reasons given to me by men who left their wives. It has nothing to do with MY opinion of MY wife. It is what I have observed and been told over many years.

And, by the way, just because you find it offensive doesn't mean it's false. In fact, I knew two different couples where that was exactly what happened. Physical attractiveness and sex are very important to alot of guys, and they are shallow enough to leave on that alone.

 

[WIcruizer]

Any chance you listen to Tom Leykis? Sounds like 101

Actually, I never heard of Tom Leykis. Who is he?

 

[Nickunited]

I hope you find the right person and it doesn't happen to you. But don't forget, marriage is hard work. Anyone who thinks the affection, intimacy, agreement and good times are going to fall like manna from heaven is sadly mistaken. It takes time and effort to make a marriage a good one.

Also. people change over the course of their lives. The 27 year old carefree, fun-loving person you fell in love with may not be the same person at 35 with two kids under the age of 5. You have to grow and change together, and work hard to maintain the same feelings you had at the beginning.

So make sure you won't get bored with someone, but also make sure you know that if you do happen to get bored, you will be willing to whatever it takes to make it fun and exciting again.

Denae

Wow - thanks for the advice - I dont expect it to be easy - I mean - watching all the married couples I know - they work - there are good times and bad times. You have to work - just like a relationship - but in marriage its for good - I dont ever want to leave or be left - so I will remember what you said - I really have to make sure its right and I am willing to do whatever for that person. See - These boards are the best!!!

There is a quote in that movie Just Married that I love. Its when the guy is talking to his father and the father says something to the affect of - "So you had a bad couple of weeks in Europe" As hes looking through a happy photo album - he goes on to say "I didnt always love your mother and we had to work at it, and its those days that get you from one happy snapshot to the next" That quote to me was pretty strong!!!

Wow - Im a guy and im talking about sappy movie quotes!!!!

Again - I hope no one on this thread is going through the topic - it has to be horrible! I feel for you if you are and you are in my heart and prayers!

 

[nativetxn]

On December 19th, I will have been married 34 years. We were married over 4 years before our only child was born. Has our marriage always felt the same way it did before our child was born? NOPE.

You have to love a lot and fight a bit to make a marriage work. You can't give up so easily.

Sometimes I think that men and women give up on their marriage way too soon. A good marriage is worth fighting for. Compromise is what is called for and not giving up.

We have had a wonderful marriage. There have been some years that were easier than others but we persevered. Now, we are both impatiently awaiting the birth of our first grandchild.

Katholyn

 

[RitaZ.]

I think that these marriages don't dissolve overnight, there have probably been problems in the marriage for years.

One thing that I have seen between some couples is disrespect, which I think it's really damaging. If you have a partner that is constantly cutting you down or berating you, then resentment sets in. It takes hard work to keep a marriage together, it isn't always smooth sailing. The trick is to get over the rough times together. Things have to be equitable, I don't mean the 50/50 thing that some people talk about. I'm talking about being fair and considerate with your partner, it can't always be about what you want, there has to be lots of room for flexibility.

 

[Pooh93]

I agree that this can happen with women just as easy as men. My mother left my dad for another man when I was eight years old. My dad raised me. Do I think her vile? No. Confused and misguided…yes. Did she regret leaving us? Yes. However, once that trust was broken, my dad wouldn’t take her back. I think they loved each other til the day she died, but they couldn’t communicate. Nobody went to counseling back then. I often think had they gone to counseling, they might have been able to work it out. She move across the country, so I talked to her every weekend, but only saw her about twice a year. Although I harbor no ill will towards her, for the life of me I would NEVER leave my children behind like that. I am breaking the cycle and have a bond with my dd’s that I never had with my own mother