Why do I feel like the referee?

[Toad_Passenger]

Long story short. DW and I just had our 2nd child, a baby boy. He's now over 6 weeks old, and he is doing great. He gives us 4-5 hours of sleep at night, before feeding, and then goes back down for another 3-4 hours after the feeding. DW has had no issue with the baby at all (since the Docs do tell us husbands to keep an eye out for depression, etc.)

The problem, though, is that I now feel like the referee between DW and our daughter (3 years old). Everyday there is something new between the 2 of them, and it's driving me crazy! I feel like DW is overreacting a bit, but because of the whole "united front" thing, I'm not going to overstep my boundaries.

Is this something that is normal, and will pass as they both get adjusted to life with the new child? I don't think DD is doing anything out of line. Yesterday it was about getting dressed. DW asked her to do it, and DD took a little extra prodding to get it done. I guess it's hard to explain, but when I get home from work, I want to relax and enjoy family time. Not come home to DD in one room, DW & DS in another because DW feels that, "until DD can use her words and listen properly I'm not going to talk to her," and feel like I'm playing referee.

As I said, I hope it's something that will work itself out, but I also know stories about mothers and daughters, so maybe I should be prepared for the next 15 years!

Thanks for letting me vent a little.

 

[Mandychelle79]

When my ppd started the first one I was " mad" at was my older DD. Because she was the cause. She no longer napped, so I couldnt nap. She wouldnt use the potty, so I had to change her too. It did esculate to where I was "mad" at my son too and thats when I got help. I wish someone had brought it to my attention that I was being mean or unreasonable with my dd. I would have gotten help sooner.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Maybe she really isn't overreacting? To you it may seem like a little prodding but to your wife it was more of a power struggle and your dd refusing to listen? I know for me- even though I am very patient- when I ask you to do something it means do it. I am not going to ask you 6 times. I am not going to beg you to do it. I am not going to bribe you to do it. I can understand your wife's annoyance. It was not a difficult task and at 3 the child should be able to handle it.
On the other hand, no matter how well the baby sleeps I would bet that your wife could use a little down time. Her body is still recovering and even though at night the sleep is good there still isn't any real time off if you will. Meaning that she has to always have an ear out etc. Maybe take the kids for a few hours on a Saturday so she can I don't know- watch tv or read without having to be on her game if you will. It lets her mind rest a bit.

Good luck!

 

[skater]

Adjusting to 2 children is extremely hard. With one child, you get breaks during naps - with two, you always have another one to deal with. You may need to deal wtih this, but I suggest waiting for a neutral time (not while its happening) and discussing this with lots of compassion and empathy for your wife's feelings. Its a rough time for all of you. Your oldest child may also be a little more difficult as she adjusts to this difficult change. We experienced this in huge doses with ond of our children. It took a long time for things to settle down and we had to get outside help.

Having a new baby is wonderful, but it can also be depressing - almost like you have to grieve your old life (even though you're happy about the new baby). It sounds weird, but I think its true for many people. Maybe your DW needs permission to feel sad. She also needs to know that she could be harming your DD if she's not careful.

 

[simba20]

I don't know about the mother daughter dynamic, but I certainly know about feeling like a referee.

Our daughter is 2.5 and everyday my husband reaches a point where he just becomes irritated by her -- her doing usual antics of a 2.5 year old. Generally I can read his moods, see when he's getting fustrated so I can step up and distract her, redirect her into something new and intresting, take her away to play somewhere else.

However, yesterday, I had a breakdown. We were out at brunch and she was standing up in her seat. I aksed her to sit on her bottom and she would do so, but then 15 seconds later, stand up again. For me it was "Okay, typical attention span/memory of a 2 year old" but my husband became quickly bothered. The third time she did it (and yes the second time I used a more Mommy serious voice), he grabbed her arm from where he was sitting across the tbale and in a low mean tone, basically yelled at her. Low enough so other patrons wouldn't hear. Anyway, just the voice he used would not have made anybody feel good. I told him not to yell at her and that I had it under control (was going to try another tatic, but he grabbed her). She started to whimper after this and I hugged her and then excused myself to go outside. Immediately upon sitting on the bench, tears started to fall.

This combined with him yelling at me the night before just made me seem like I do nothing for my child. We ate out on Saturday night, and he never got irritated at all during dinner. Later as we were driving home, he got upset and said that all thoughout dinner she was behaving badly and I just sat there and "did nothing." At that meal, all our daughter did was crack peanuts, ask for butter to dip her bread in, and ate some salad. By the time her dinner arrived (a side portion of mac and cheese) she said she didn;t want it, so I packed it up to take home. But apparently, all of this bugged him.

So Saturday night combined with yesterday's brunch caused my breakdown. And as I was thinkign things over last night, I said those exact words about "feeling like a referee."

I guess the fact that I have a background in child development and early childhood education prevents me from letting things bother me that are due to age or normal for age. I don't let her get away with being bad, misbehaving. I handle her in a calm manner. She knows the "Serious Mommy" voice and knows that it means business, but I don't have to use it with her often. But she will come to you crying, telling you that "Daddy yelled at me" or "Daddy's mean." I on the other hand, get tons of compliments when out on how well behaved she is, or people notice how she and I interact.

Don't even get me started on how he takes everything she does PERSONALLY. He yells at her and then wonders why she doesn't want to sit in his lap when he is apologizing to her..............sigh.

Didn't mean to hijack your post. Just I totally know how it feels to be pulled in two directions. And having just had an upset yesterday, only adds to how I am feeling today.

 

[laurie31]

Don't forget that t's a HUGE adjustment for your DD3 too. It's normal for her to revert to more babyish behavor. She may be scared she isn't loved as much as the baby, and kids would ratherhave negative attention than no attention at all.

Maybe you could offer to watch the newborn so your wife and DD could do something special together for 30 minutes or so. Something "just for big girls."

It's exhausting to take cae of two young children. Does you wife have help with cleaning, cooking, etc? If not, hire someone if you can afford it, otherwise take friends up on their "is there anything we can do" offers.

 

[diznygirl]

I know what you are talking about. Tell your wife that if she plans on pouting in another room until your DD changes then she will be alone for a long, long time. If there is one thing I've learned from the DIS - parenting never gets easier. Good luck!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I know what you are talking about. Tell your wife that if she plans on pouting in another room until your DD changes then she will be alone for a long, long time. If there is one thing I've learned from the DIS - parenting never gets easier. Good luck!

Um yeah- I am sure that won't cause hard feelings.

 

[happygirl]

Op your daughter sounds like a typical three year. I wouldn't say anything in front of your daughter, maybe you could suggest other way for your wife to handle your daughter then to ignore her, that seems extreme to me.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I guess the fact that I have a background in child development and early childhood education prevents me from letting things bother me that are due to age or normal for age.

Respectfully snipped.

The funny thing is that DW has the same credentials and works with 3,4,5 year olds everyday. She has a lot of kids who aren't of the best behavior, so I don't think she wants to have to "deal" with similar behaviors at home. Don't get me wrong, DD is VERY good. I was never a "kid" person, but my DD changed my view 180 degrees...she's the perfect advertisement for people considering having a child.

I try to help out as much as I can, but maybe I'll stretch that "as much as I can" even further and see if it helps things out a tad. Thanks for all the great responses!

 

[Robinrs]

Don't forget that t's a HUGE adjustment for your DD3 too. It's normal for her to revert to more babyish behavor. She may be scared she isn't loved as much as the baby, and kids would ratherhave negative attention than no attention at all.

Maybe you could offer to watch the newborn so your wife and DD could do something special together for 30 minutes or so. Something "just for big girls."

It's exhausting to take cae of two young children. Does you wife have help with cleaning, cooking, etc? If not, hire someone if you can afford it, otherwise take friends up on their "is there anything we can do" offers.

I feel for that 3yo baby. She may end up resenting the youngest baby because of this. Your wife is grown, she needs to realize that the 3yo may be asking for attention, too. There's way more going on than just the outward stuff. If you are truly concerned, you can nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

 

[kidzmom3]

Op your daughter sounds like a typical three year. I wouldn't say anything in front of your daughter, maybe you could suggest other way for your wife to handle your daughter then to ignore her, that seems extreme to me.

while I wouldn't suggest ignoring for long periods of time. Many parenting experts recommend that if a parent is feeling overwhelmed: put the child in a safe place (crib, bedroom) and take yourself off to another part of your home. This gives the parent space and time to calm down and take control of their emotions. This actually helps prevent child abuse of the physical and mental kind.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I feel for that 3yo baby. She may end up resenting the youngest baby because of this. Your wife is grown, she needs to realize that the 3yo may be asking for attention, too. There's way more going on than just the outward stuff. If you are truly concerned, you can nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

I don't think there is any resentment towards DS from DD. In fact her best friend at school became a big sister about a week before, so the 2 of them are always talking about their baby brothers.

She is a HUGE help with the new baby and always wants to know if he can sleep in her room at night.

The more I think about it, the more I'm sure that it is a combination of DW being tired, and being home with both kids a few days a week by herself (DD is only going to school 2-3 days per week to save us some money during DW's maternity leave). As a guy it's hard to understand, even though I'm going to work, I'm sure she sees it as "getting away" for a few hours. Add to that, the fact that at her job she deals with the same 3-year old behavior for 8 hours, and I'm sure it's just some stress she's letting out.

Tonight I'll see if I can free them up some time to have some fun together, and, hopefully, DD won't try to test any boundaries!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

while I wouldn't suggest ignoring for long periods of time. Many parenting experts recommend that if a parent is feeling overwhelmed: put the child in a safe place (crib, bedroom) and take yourself off to another part of your home. This gives the parent space and time to calm down and take control of their emotions. This actually helps prevent child abuse of the physical and mental kind.

We use this method, because, ultimately DD loves being with us and playing. If we remove ourselves, than the hope is that she realizes her behavior results in her not having us to play with, then she'll correct her behavior. I guess it's just one of many parenting techniques.

I guess it's along the lines of, "no one wants to play with someone who doesn't listen and is not behaving properly." But these techniques are a whole different debate.

 

[mjkacmom]

Is she home with them all day? If so, what doesn't irritate you, having just come home from work, will irritate her, because she's been with the kids all day, and has not an ounce of patience left. I had the hardest time transitioning from 1 child to 2 - it might've even been harder than 3 - 5! There were times I put both kids in their cribs, sat on the front porch, and called my mom to come over.

DH was awesome. He'd come home, and tell me to escape, giving me an hour or so to get out by myself, go for a walk, go to the store, etc.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I had 2 kids 13 months apart and when my preemie DD came home from the hospital there was some adjusting. On top of that my hormones never gave me a break so I had PMS too. Uh, not a good combo.

Hre's how I coped.
#1, DH went to bed early and I took the late feeding 1am, then he fed the baby & changed the baby when he got up for work 5-6am so I would get a block of hours to sleep.

#2, every night when DH came home we'd eat dinner and then I would get an hour to myself so I could take a quiet bath and listen to silence while he played with our children. This way he got time to bond and I got some time to calm down & reach a normal state of mind so DH and I could enjoy each other without me being frantic. To be honest, i don't think I ever actually took the whole hour. It was more like 15 minutes so I could take a bath in perfumed water and change my clothes. When I'd hear the kids giggling I wanted to join back in, it worked well. SO many times knowing I had the 1 hour to look forward to helped me through the difficult days.

#3, when my kids would make me wacky I would put them safely into their cribs and tell them Mommy needs to put herself in time out. Sometimes I would even shut the door and sit outside for 5 minutes on the porch so I couldn't hear the crying. As my kids got older they learned time out wasn't so much a punishment as it was a time to re-boot, so to speak.

If your wife is having meltdowns ask her how she would like you to help her... it might be something simple, but ask. I loved that my DH would ask.