Why do I always underestimate... (a long vent)

[beckmrk04]

what my mother is capable of?

In the past 6 months, my mother has gotten progressively more moody, irrational, and downright obnoxious. She lies and exaggerates about everything. She is a drama queen AND a hypochondriac. She's mad at pretty much everyone in the family. For stupid things. Everyone is out to get her (including the bill companies who ONLY screw up her accounts,yeah right...) EVERYTHING hurts her feelings, and she sulks and complains, and completely chooses to ignore the fact that maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe it's HER.

So, she had been giving my sis and I the silent treatment (normally she calls each of us once a day, or at least every other day). I am so fed up with her that I have seriously considered just cutting her out of my life. But, I'm just not ready for that yet.. She's my mom.

So, I decide to bite the bullet and call her yesterday to ask what the plans are for Mother's Day. As much as I wanted to pretend it didn't exist, I would feel horrible if I didn't spend Mother's Day with my mom. And her reply?

"I don't know... I hadn't heard anything, so I was just going to go camping" (with my step-dad and brother). Well, she hadn't heard anything because she's mad at us and ignoring us. So, I suggest that I could make a lasagna and salad and have lunch with her and the family. "Well, I don't know. We haven't been able to go to the camper that much... I'll see what step-dad and your brother want to do..." I was just like, fine- call me when you figure it out.

If she doesn't want to see me or my sister on Mother's day, fine. She isn't going to break my heart. But I still just can't help being so aggravated with her. I mean, I didn't even want to call her, and THIS IS WHY. I try to be a bigger person, and she gives me another reason not to be.

The only good thing that came out of that conversation was that she still plans on watching my dog while we're Disney, so I don't have to find somewhere to board my dog.

But once I get back, I'm just not sure our relationship will be worth salvaging.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

OK, I only read the question, not the post, and my answer so far is, "Because you are sane."

More to come...

ETA: Haven't changed my previous answer.

 

[Shugardrawers]

Your mother and my mother should get together and go bowling. They seem to have waaaay too much in common. There is nothing "fun" about her disfunctionality. I know exactly what you are going through. After 42 years of dealing with her hypochondriac, lying, self centered histrionics I STILL never know where I stand from day to day. If I don't get a daily phone call telling me how I've failed in my life and failed her in particular it's because she's not speaking to me and I rarely know exactly why. Then one day she calls me again all sweetness and light. That lasts a month at most There is a reason my mother lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why do I always underestimate... (a long vent) what my mother is capable of?

That is easy! You underestimate because you keep trying to "repair" it. You do it over, & over, & over, looking for a different outcome.
In the back of your mind you say...."this time I am going to have a real mother". You yearn, long, etc...You pick of the phone and for that brief moment when you put yourself "out there" you are hopeful.
Then she opens her mouth and reality runs into you like a brick wall, leaving you battered and bruised.

You do have a right to happiness, it does not have to involve family that are cruel to you.
Remember Alanis Morrisette song..."Jagged Little Pill"???
That is what I think of toxic family members, they are hard to swallow and they have side effects.
So read the warning label and decide when you are able to handle the "jagged little pill".

 

[beckmrk04]

OK, I only read the question, not the post, and my answer so far is, "Because you are sane."

More to come...

ETA: Haven't changed my previous answer.

Thanks MW.

 

[AllyandJack]

Could be guilt. At least that's my excuse. Every time I think, "I'm not talking to her ANYMORE!" I think, "What if something happens and this is the last Easter/Mother's Day/X-Mas I get with her?" So, I suck it up and make the phone call and usually end up popping a Xanax or something during the conversation to make it manageable.

But, hey, we won't be guilty when the day comes, right? We make the effort, drive ourselves crazy, and when they're gone, we'll be able to say that we called on the holidays and made the effort.

 

[kimmikayb]

I am not kidding you, when I read your post I spit my soda out. You just described my MIL exactly and I honestly thought she was the only freak out there like that. She has hurt my DH over and over with this behavior. She talks about us to other family members too, but it is always lies. She spends a great deal of her life trying to keep my DH and his 3 siblings fighting each other. She is always about to die, always having people rip her off and always making up lies. I can detach since she is not my mother. My DH keeps trying.

I don't have any advice for you....just some hugs. I know what you're going through. Taking a step back for awhile might do you some good.

Oddly enough, Dr. Phil's show today is about toxic relationship!

 

[beckmrk04]

Shugardrawers, our mothers are alike. Do they take a class in this crap?

That is easy! You underestimate because you keep trying to "repair" it. You do it over, & over, & over, looking for a different outcome.
In the back of your mind you say...."this time I am going to have a real mother". You yearn, long, etc...You pick of the phone and for that brief moment when you put yourself "out there" you are hopeful.
Then she opens her mouth and reality runs into you like a brick wall, leaving you battered and bruised.

You are SO right. I always hold out the hope that maybe she'll be the best version of herself... Because when my mom is good, she's great. But when she's not, she's absolutely toxic. And lately, she just hasn't been her good version all that much, and it's really not worth waiting around for.

 

[chipper10]

Could be guilt. At least that's my excuse. Every time I think, "I'm not talking to her ANYMORE!" I think, "What if something happens and this is the last Easter/Mother's Day/X-Mas I get with her?" So, I suck it up and make the phone call and usually end up popping a Xanax or something during the conversation to make it manageable.

But, hey, we won't be guilty when the day comes, right? We make the effort, drive ourselves crazy, and when they're gone, we'll be able to say that we called on the holidays and made the effort.

This is so true. But I think my mother might kill me first due to stress and having to deal with her.

Bec- I swear our mothers we're sisters in another life.

 

[beckmrk04]

This is so true. But I think my mother might kill me first due to stress and having to deal with her.

Bec- I swear our mothers we're sisters in another life.

Nic, I'm sure they were. Hey- at least the in-laws are good!

 

[beckmrk04]

AllyandJack- I know. The guilt is what keeps making me make an effort. Well, that and the idea that I'm keeping my karma good.

 

[marlasmom]

It seems to me that your mother may be hurt that you waited until two days before Mother's Day to make plans so she made her own.

 

[beckmrk04]

It seems to me that your mother may be hurt that you waited until two days before Mother's Day to make plans so she made her own.

Um yeah- that's true. BUT, she has been giving me the silent treatment. This is just one instance in a long pattern of behavior.

I normally would never have gone this long, but like I said- she was mad at me and giving me the silent treatment, and I am sick of backing down to her irrational anger.

And hello- I made an effort. I have never once spent a Mother's Day without her. Ever. She knows that. She is just trying to make herself out to be a victim. Every year we spend Mother's Day at her house, and every year the kids cook her a meal and bring gifts. EVERY year. It's an assumed thing in our family, much like Christmas or Thanksgiving. We do the same thing every year.

 

[luvdzne]

I don't remember writting this post , oh, you were talking about your mom . You wrote my words exactly as I would have about my mother. I stopped trying to "fix" things years ago. The last "episode" (that's what my DSis & DB call them" I told her my life is no longer about her. I know I can't change her, nothing I do will make her better and if she is happy with her life I would no longer be a part of it, nor will my dd's. I must say it has been going on maybe 5 months (a record for her) with no "episodes", but I know it won't last, so during those times she knows she will have no existance in my life or dd's lives, when she is finished she knows I will welcome her with open arms.

to all of you that have delt with mother's who have "episodes". The best thing we can do is make sure we don't do the same to our children.

 

[chris1gill]

That is easy! You underestimate because you keep trying to "repair" it. You do it over, & over, & over, looking for a different outcome.
In the back of your mind you say...."this time I am going to have a real mother". You yearn, long, etc...You pick of the phone and for that brief moment when you put yourself "out there" you are hopeful.
Then she opens her mouth and reality runs into you like a brick wall, leaving you battered and bruised.

You do have a right to happiness, it does not have to involve family that are cruel to you.
Remember Alanis Morrisette song..."Jagged Little Pill"???
That is what I think of toxic family members, they are hard to swallow and they have side effects.
So read the warning label and decide when you are able to handle the "jagged little pill".

Yup, this explains it alright.... eventually, if you're pushed to your limit, you will push back and never see her again.... that's the decision I made after much deliberation and debating and pleading on my part for her to stop the behavior... She actually walked out of here one Christmas night, and I've not ever seen her since... to be honest, the feeling of liberation was like none other... it was too toxic a relationship....

 

[chris1gill]

This is so true. But I think my mother might kill me first due to stress and having to deal with her.

Bec- I swear our mothers we're sisters in another life.

Sometimes the cost of these relationships is too great on our own family lives.... if you have a husband or children, your focus has to change.. I thank god that my kids will never grow up feeling the guilt and pressure that I did, knowing that I never quite measured up, no matter how hard I tried... It was never enough, and believe me, she let me know it... whatever we gave her, got her, did for her, it was never quite good enough.... no, the cost of these relationships is too great to pass on to the next generation...

 

[Marseeya]

I think we need to form a support group for people with nutty moms.

Mine has actually been okay lately, but it's only a matter of time.

 

[koopa]

Maybe your mom wants to go to WDW with you next week


Have a great trip. Maybe she'll change a bit when you get back.

 

[tinaluis]

I know where you're coming from because my mom was the same way. There was always some MAJOR DRAMA in her life. She passed away quite expectedly in 1995 and I really miss her although when she was alive we were like oil and water. I guess my becoming a mom has made me understand some things about her life in a different way. I know it's hard, but do the best you can.

 

[LVSWL]

It seems to me that your mother may be hurt that you waited until two days before Mother's Day to make plans so she made her own.

I think you might be on to something here. Even though it was always understood that you would be together, there is something to be said for being asked so she knew and could anticipate her day.
It also sounds like you aren't so mad that you won't still "let" her take care of your pet while you are gone, but may not speak when you come home. That sounds like you are just using her for your convenience.
I know that it has been said on these boards before, but I will say it again because this weekend of all weekends should be the one to make people stop and think. She will not be with you forever. One day you will remember these words you have spoken to her and to others about her, as you are sitting by her bedside, as you are riding down the road, as you are wishing more than anything for one more moment with her. All of these little power struggles and battles between you will not matter anymore, because she is and was your mother and you love her and she loves you in the best way she knows how and those of us who have lost our moms would give anything for just one moment with that frustrating, aggravating, loving, wonderful, woman that raised us again. Please try, for you sake as well as hers.