Why do grandparents think they know best??

[Piecey]

I wasn't sure how to word the title...

For various health and allergy reasons, we are very careful about what foods and when we introduce them to Lucas. My MIL took Lucas for a few days and when DH called (from work) to check on them he found out his mother had disregarded our instructions and gone to the store to buy food she thought he should have instead of what we sent (her exact words were that our pediatrician doesn't know..poop..).
DH was pretty livid and called me from work to tell me.

A coworker, who is also a grandmother, overheard his discussion and told him he should forgive his mother because grandparents just do what they think is best.

When DH got home from work we discussed going to pick Lucas up but decided it wasn't going to do any good to cause a scene. We agreed that MIL would just not be permitted to babysit him until he was older and past this introductory stage of foods.

Fast forward to that night and his coworker saw us in the food court at the mall. She came over to tell me that she hopes I convince my DH to forgive his mom because it's ridiculous to be so mad about it.
She told us her son is mad at her because they asked her to not take nude pictures of their daughter and she did anyway. So they don't let her watch her granddaughter anymore.

So anyway, the point of all my rambling is.... why do grandparents think they can do whatever they want??

and yes, I realize that not all grandparents are that way. My parents listen to us (thought DH is pretty sure it's because they've heard me rant and rave about MIL and are petrified we'll cut them off from keeping Lucas overnight, too )

 

[toddlers_mom]

I have no answers But, my mom does the same thing and if I tell her otherwise she assumes I am telling her she is a terrible parent haha. I guess its just because they grew up and raised children in a different time with different rules and different studies.

 

[emma'smom]

Ehh.....your entitled to your own parenting style of course.

However, my father fed my dd a taste of Creme Brulee from when she was 3 weeks old. Would I have done that? No....but a little variation from the "plan" isn't going to hurt a typically developing baby.....and it helps develop flexible kids (even when they are very young).

As your child gets older, they'll be lots of things that happen at grandparents that you would probably not approve of at your own home (ie. watching TV at dinner, staying up late, drinking soda pop, etc)---but as long as they are just indulgent, fun things, I figure that's what Grandparents are for.


*Note--Not talking about that nude picture thing you mentioned---that's just strange and I wouldn't allow that either.

 

[luvmy3]

Because no mattter how old we are, or if we are parents ourselves, they will always think they know better than us because they are our parents. Unfortunately we will do the same when we are Grandparents, its the law of the universe.

 

[LuvOrlando]

They do it because they are know it alls.

My MIL, who I get along with, has a terrible tendency to do this. Sometimes it's mildly irritating and other times it's downright nutty. Here's 3 stories since Christmas.

The other day i asked her to pick up my DD11 from the bus stop at 3:30 exactly, well 3 times she picked up my DD she had to wait a whole 5 minutes. So I'm pulling up at 3:35 and can see a neighbor put my DD in her van and drive her towards home as I watch my MIL pull up along side and take my DD from her.

Then, whenever my kids are sick and I'm worried she's always going on about how they're fine nd I shouldn't get nervous. She was so insistant she was right that she didn't even come see my DD in the hospital for 3 days because she thought the Dr's over-reacted.

Sometimes she keeps the scented garbage plugged in because she thinks my DS really doesn't have Asthma.

She does this with my SIL's kid to a ridiculous degree which is a huge slap in the face to my poor SIL.

All i know is I'm glad she's in her house and I'm in mine. I can put up with anything for a few hours at a time as long as I don't have to live with it.

 

[JVL1018]

Because they've already raised kids and saw them safely into adulthood, and they are just treating the grandchildren the way they treated their own kids. Probably not malicious, just a "please, I've done this before, and done it well" kind of thing. They probably don;t see a reason for your rules, think you're being overprotective. Not that that makes it right, just saying.

Sorry she isn't abiding by your wishes, that mist be frustrating.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well the thing is that some things simply aren't indulgent things. They can be dangerous like in the OP's situation. I personally feel that the parent has all say over the child. I think sometimes it is like a power struggle. Almost like they want to prove the parents wrong for whatever reason. The reality is the parents know their children better than anyone. If I tell you my child can't have XYZ there is a reason. I don't care if you agree with my reason or not. I would like my directions followed. Clearly in the OP's case they had a good reason but the grandma didn't care. She just wanted to be right.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

Wow! Your in-laws are completely disregarding food related allergy issues, especially when dictated by your child's pediatrician? My dd has food allergies and I would be livid if our family just thought they knew best and did not care what we needed to do to keep her healthy (and in some cases just breathing). That is inexcusable! No way would my child be spending the night with grandparents I couldn't trust to keep them safe. There comes a point in life that no matter how much you love your extended family, your kids health and well being come first over someone's feelings.

Other issues, like discipline, eating cookies late at night, well, we just deal with them. We are happy to have extended family in our lives and realize that the kids adore the grandparents. They don't get to see them often, so many of the little things slide.

 

[Piecey]

Ehh.....your entitled to your own parenting style of course.

However, my father fed my dd a taste of Creme Brulee from when she was 3 weeks old. Would I have done that? No....but a little variation from the "plan" isn't going to hurt a typically developing baby.....and it helps develop flexible kids (even when they are very young).

As your child gets older, they'll be lots of things that happen at grandparents that you would probably not approve of at your own home (ie. watching TV at dinner, staying up late, drinking soda pop, etc)---but as long as they are just indulgent, fun things, I figure that's what Grandparents are for.


*Note--Not talking about that nude picture thing you mentioned---that's just strange and I wouldn't allow that either.

Lucas isn't typical, that is why it made us so mad. We've been in and out of the pediatrician's office with various rashes/bleeding/etc. caused by foods (or cow's milk) so we're very, very careful with what we give him. Maybe too careful, but oh well... it won't kill him.

We didn't say anything to MIL. She knew DH was upset and that was it. We didn't tell her she wouldn't get him again (b/c we didn't think it was a fight worth having if she didn't ask for him until he was older anyway) and all-in-all she has started to understand where we're coming from on the food thing. She stopped great-grandmother from giving him cottage cheese this weekend (he can't have milk!) so if it came across that we're still cranky with her in my post, we're not.


I just don't understand completely disregarding a parent's request (be it my MIL or DH's coworker or whoever) and still thinking you did nothing wrong when your kid cuts you off from your grandchild.
This lady seriously thought her kids were insane and while her advice was meant in a nice way, I thought she was a bit crazy.

 

[bunny]

If your child really has food allergries and she gives him the food anyways that is dangerous and borders on child abuse. If you just don't like your child eating certain foods because you don't consider them healthy, then that is just something you need to get over.

You are very blessed that your MIL will keep an infant overnight for several days. My children weren't invited to spend the night anywhere until they were at least 3 to 4 years old. I would have loved a break from them especially when I was pregnant. My parents and my in-laws always acted like they were doing me a huge favor by babysitting not the other way around.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wasn't sure how to word the title...

For various health and allergy reasons, we are very careful about what foods and when we introduce them to Lucas. My MIL took Lucas for a few days and when DH called (from work) to check on them he found out his mother had disregarded our instructions and gone to the store to buy food she thought he should have instead of what we sent (her exact words were that our pediatrician doesn't know..poop..).
DH was pretty livid and called me from work to tell me.

A coworker, who is also a grandmother, overheard his discussion and told him he should forgive his mother because grandparents just do what they think is best.

When DH got home from work we discussed going to pick Lucas up but decided it wasn't going to do any good to cause a scene. We agreed that MIL would just not be permitted to babysit him until he was older and past this introductory stage of foods.

Fast forward to that night and his coworker saw us in the food court at the mall. She came over to tell me that she hopes I convince my DH to forgive his mom because it's ridiculous to be so mad about it.
She told us her son is mad at her because they asked her to not take nude pictures of their daughter and she did anyway. So they don't let her watch her granddaughter anymore.

So anyway, the point of all my rambling is.... why do grandparents think they can do whatever they want??

and yes, I realize that not all grandparents are that way. My parents listen to us (thought DH is pretty sure it's because they've heard me rant and rave about MIL and are petrified we'll cut them off from keeping Lucas overnight, too )

Here is the thing....you already know that your MIL in this situation disregards your opinions.

(Forgive me if this was the first time ever in the the history of you and your dh's life that she was dismissive toward people in general.)

You gave it a shot, she did as expected and now you have to change how you interact with her with your child.

The secret here is not to figure out why she does it, the secret is to know that she does it and accept it and act accordingly.

When she asks "why" you say we asked not to _____ and you ______ so no more unsupervised visits until we trust you again.

Bottom line is respect and trust which is something you are going to have to build with her.

 

[shelbys mommy]

My MIL was like this until my nephew was born. He has a very mild form of Galactosemia & any type of milk product could kill him. My SIL was told to stop breastfeeding cause her breastmilk was killing her baby! We had to watch everything he ate & drank until he turned 1 yr old & went back for more testing. Now he can eat whatever he wants (just very low consumption of any milk products) & he is fine. My MIL now listens to what we tell her.

 

[kawing123]

I have an eighteen year old daughter who plays athletics and has had bouts of asthma. During her season I am extremely careful as far as her diet goes. Yesterday she begged for some coffee concoction at the donut shop. Well she played last night and lord and behold she had a incident. We have been incident free for about two years. Today grandpa calls as he does everyday it is so irritating as she has so outgrown this. He asks me since she was walking out the door if she got her coffee drink. He also said tell her tohave this and that for dinner tommorrow which is something I would have to make. He must have been asking her for days when she was going to gett this as he is totally obsessed. He calls everyday and she has not even gotten a chance to take her coat off or get a snack. Sometims she refuses to talk an I have tried to tell them that she is not three she is an adult but it does no good? She I know cannot stand it sometimes if they called once a week that would be great? Any suggestions? Take this instance and multiply it by 100 and this scenario is mild. I have told them they need to move on with their lives they have other grandchildren and oh they live three hours away thank god.

 

[bumbershoot]

In my case, and with different foods in DH's case, what that did was create ALLERGIC kids.



Either grandparents do know a bit better (like my mom (who would have been a grandmother if she were still alive of course) knew with the way she raised us and the way I'm raising my dude), OR, in this case, being told "no" brings up GUILT.

My MIL force-fed DH meat at 3 weeks old. The doctor said 3 "months", she misunderstood. She finally got a phone call through to Korea and her mom told her that American doctors were idiots and to stop that. And Dh really cannot have meat, it's NOT good for him. She also fed her kids all sort of junk, artificial sweeteners for DH, the list goes on.

She finally understands that we are serious. Thankfully, there are two things he'll eat that she can provide...white rice (which she doesn't eat anymore but she makes for him with perfect sesame oil and soy sauce mix) and Pocky. So she gets to feed him and they are both happy. But when he was tiny, I once had to harm my healing body by nearly leaping across the room as she tried to give him apple juice.

For a few years, she really thought that every limit we put on his food was a slap in her face. Everything we did, really, caused guilt. Her husband was jealous of the attention that Robert got, so FIL signed up for another ship-out (merchant marines) until the baby slept in a crib, rather than in the traditional Korean family bed. MIL had to buy into it (when you're being abused and want to stay, you have to morph into the abuser's beliefs, and that was one of them) so it really tweaked her when she found out we had (have) a family bed. FIL actually expressed big regrets when he found out...sigh.

Anyway, it brings up guilt. And if their adult kids DO have health problems...allergies, intolerances, etc, then it smacks them in the face that a different choice when they were babies could, indeed, have made a difference. That maybe they WERE wrong. And that's not fun to hear.

But hopefully they'll come through it and be a part of helping the kids, rather than thwarting the parents just to thwart the parents.

 

[DancingBear]

Invite her along to your next pediatrician visit and let her hear it for herself and have the opportunity to ask the pediatricians any questions she may have.

 

[NMAmy]

Sometimes she keeps the scented garbage plugged in because she thinks my DS really doesn't have Asthma.

What is scented garbage?

 

[Amy&Dan]

Been there done that! I loved my mom to death, and often her advice or meddling I should say was spot on! She was right about ds needing cereal when he was four months old, I had resisted, but finally she gave him some (he was a big baby) and he was like a new kid. I wanted to wait until six months which is what the book said but she took the bull by the horns and it was fine. But there were some instances when it drove me nuts. She would spoon feed my kids food when they were like six saying "they don't eat enough". I told her a six year old is perfectly capable of eating all that's on the plate if they are hungry, she disagreed! She let my kids drink soda when I told her that ds in particular couldn't handle that stuff and it made him Evil Toddler. She gave them foods that were choking hazards because "you ate that and never choked to death". We went round and round and in time, they grew up enough that a lot of this wasn't so much of an issue and she also came to realize I did know a bit what I was talking about and that just because this, that, or the other was okay in the 60's, it wasn't in the 90's! We met in the middle and would laugh about it but I know there were times I drove her as batty as she drove me.

Dd's aunt is like my kids' grandmother and she is the same way. With the kids and the dog. She insisted once when she was keeping the kids while dh and I went away for a few days that our dog could totally eat table scraps. I told her, "trust me, he cannot". Well she disregarded what I said, our 12 year old beagle stuffed himself on all the delicous table scraps he could ever want, and I came home to a dog that had had diarrhea all over my house! That was the messiest, nastiest, most disgusting "I told you so" moment of my life.

I suppose I'll do that to my kids/grandkids too, but I sure hope not. Its very annoying.

Your husband's co worker needs to mind her own business.

 

[dispor]

What is scented garbage?

I think she means the plug-in air fresheners. I can't stand the smell of them, and I don't have asthma!

 

[frndshpcptn]

My ex-DBF's Mom used to terrify me with the way she cared for her grandkids.

ex's sister and her husband specifically told her Mom not to take infant grandbaby into bed with her at night to go to sleep. she was afraid that the baby would get hurt (the grandma is significantly overweight and doesn't move fast / well and the grandfather has slow reaction time as well). If they all fell asleep in the bed and rolled onto the baby...

Her Mom (the grandma) did it anyway. al the time. and when i discovered it she just told me to "not worry - it's not a big deal - I did it all the time with my kids".

Yeah, but you were younger, lighter and much more spry. Now - not so much.

I would NEVER in a million years leave our kids overnight with her until they were at least 5. thank goodness we broke up before kids were in the picture.

 

[dispor]

I wasn't sure how to word the title...

For various health and allergy reasons, we are very careful about what foods and when we introduce them to Lucas. My MIL took Lucas for a few days and when DH called (from work) to check on them he found out his mother had disregarded our instructions and gone to the store to buy food she thought he should have instead of what we sent (her exact words were that our pediatrician doesn't know..poop..).
DH was pretty livid and called me from work to tell me.

A coworker, who is also a grandmother, overheard his discussion and told him he should forgive his mother because grandparents just do what they think is best.

When DH got home from work we discussed going to pick Lucas up but decided it wasn't going to do any good to cause a scene. We agreed that MIL would just not be permitted to babysit him until he was older and past this introductory stage of foods.

Fast forward to that night and his coworker saw us in the food court at the mall. She came over to tell me that she hopes I convince my DH to forgive his mom because it's ridiculous to be so mad about it.
She told us her son is mad at her because they asked her to not take nude pictures of their daughter and she did anyway. So they don't let her watch her granddaughter anymore.

So anyway, the point of all my rambling is.... why do grandparents think they can do whatever they want??

and yes, I realize that not all grandparents are that way. My parents listen to us (thought DH is pretty sure it's because they've heard me rant and rave about MIL and are petrified we'll cut them off from keeping Lucas overnight, too )

If you really felt he was in danger, you should have come up with SOME type of excuse to go get him.

I think you need to stop using your MIL as a babysitter. Why can't you all three go to visit her at the same time?