Why do grandparents disappoint their grandchildren?

[momof1princess]

my father is this way...last year, we were sitting on the 2nd row for DD's dance recital and as soon as her dance number was over and she danced offstage, he and step-mom got up and left. when DD didn't see him after the show, she was crushed. this year she specifically asked me if her paw-paw would stay for the whole thing, and i told her i was sure he'd try-THEN i specifically told him she wanted him to stay for the whole thing so she could see him afterward. her recital is this saturday, we'll see what happens. i'm not getting my hopes up, but at least he bought their tickets and is planning to show up; based on what i've read in this thread, that's more than some grandkids get.

 

[momto2girls]

Playing favorites is not cool, but my grandparents didn't go to my school events, nor was it something we expected of them. I think my mother stopped going to recitals when the grandkids hit 3rd grade or so. I can't blame her -- at a certain point things stop being entertaining because the kids are adorable and begin being something you have to endure politely until they're old enough to actually show some genuine ability.

High school band concerts --- Jr high band concerts --

I agree with this. My grandparents never attended any of my functions and they weren't ever expected to. I would imagine that they would have been super bored. My own children have never had any grandparents attend one of their events and I guess I just don't think about it. It is just what is normal in our family.

I'm not sure what I will do when I have grandchildren of my own (I have a lot of years before that will happen ). I guess I don't expect to live near any of my grandchildren so I doubt that it will be an issue.

 

[eliza61]

One lesson I learned long ago, is that you cannot control other people's actions. Whether they be friends, neighbors or relatives. Sure it would be really cool if every one had siblings that we get along with, if all our parents were like the ones from the Huxetables and all our Inlaws supportative but you know, what just like Disneyworld that's pretty much an illusion.
Op, I forgot how old your children are but the easiest way to not let them get disappointed is to not let them expect much from this man in the first place.
My sons know their grandpop is not coming to sporting events, graduations or birthdays and you know what I don't cover for him and they no longer expect any thing from him. They send him invitations because I want them to learn manners and respect for their elders (even if they haven't really earned it) They have tons of other relatives that shower them with love and support.

My advice, let it go. It is what it is and trying to get a lepoard to change it's spots only results in you getting your arm bitten off.

 

[Northstar]

Playing favorites is not cool, but my grandparents didn't go to my school events, nor was it something we expected of them. I think my mother stopped going to recitals when the grandkids hit 3rd grade or so. I can't blame her -- at a certain point things stop being entertaining because the kids are adorable and begin being something you have to endure politely until they're old enough to actually show some genuine ability.

High school band concerts --- Jr high band concerts --

I think daisax is onto something here. Maybe (when it comes to showing up for events like recitals, graduations, etc) the grandparents simply don't enjoy it and don't see why they should have to go?

Of course, if they're invited and say they WILL come, then they should not disappoint by failing to show up. But if they are clearly showing that they don't want to participate in these events, then take the cue and stop inviting them. (Now if they try to guilt you later for NOT INVITING THEM, then they are just twisted and manipulative and I have no excuse for them)

 

[DVC Jen]

I can only imagine how frustrating and infuriating that must be for you.

I am not so sure I could be as tolerant as you are however. I think if I were in that situation and my FIL complained my daughter didn't say hi - I woudl have simply informed him that his attitude towards his granddaughters comes across loud and clear to them. Since they feel they are not all that important to him - he is simply not all that important to the girls.

 

[MELSMICE]

Someday your FIL will realize what he is missing.

Well, my DD's are all teens now, so maybe he will some day, but it's getting late for that, unfortunately.

At first I took offence at the title of your post…but after reading a few post…well maybe there are a few Grandparents that “disappoint” but not this Grammy and Grandpa…We try and go to all the
functions for our grandson…we are the cheering section for soccer…little league (and trust me if we had a granddaughter it would be the same)…we are there for every school function and support his school …PTA …jog-a-thon…DH has paid for and installed classroom shelves…
Our love for him is ‘unconditional’…as it is for DS and DDIL.
We feel lucky that our son and daughter in law (My Girl!) have included us in their lives…
I just wanted you to know that there are two sides to everything…AND please remember when you become (and you will) grandparents…just love them and be involved as much as you can…
jc

Believe me, I know that. I had one set of grandparents that was at every event imaginable. They were at our house if one of us were home sick from school.

The other set was absent & couldn't be bothered to do much of anything.

Sad.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are nicer than I. If my FIL called me to complain about my dd in that way, he would get an earful.

As far as grandparent attendance we do not have the same level of expectation you do.
If they want to come, great, if not, whatever. My life is not about them. They are very disappointing people.

If my FIL or father said he would prefer not to attend, I would never invite him to a thing again, ever. Including a birthday.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

You are nicer than I. If my FIL called me to complain about my dd in that way, he would get an earful.

I'm with you. It's up to the adult to establish the kind of relationship he wants with a child. He is the role model. The OP's DD simply followed the grandfather's lead and respected his teaching that he does not care whether they have a relationship or not.

His complaining is just his way of letting people know that "it's all about him". Beyond entering the house and saying "hi", I don't think that the DD was responsible for engaging him in a coversation that he probably would have blown off anyway.

DISCLAIMER: Not a criticism. Just an observation. Not my family, not my rules...just my opinion, based on some experience.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

don't get me started...................

the grandparents in our family think you don't exist is you are a graddaughter. And if you are a grandson, you walk on water!

I've stopped inviting them to events. "We'll make it if we can......." has ended up in ZERO attendances for the girls.......and about 100 % attendances for the boys.

 

[krismom]

At least my in-laws snub all the grandkids equally in my family! Boy or girl, they aren't that interested. I realized a long time ago that my MIL likes pictures of her grandkids much more than the real thing. She likes to talk about them to her friends, and "seem" like an involved, loving grandparent- she has their pictures all over her house and fridge... so the company sees how cute they are- but really, I am over her not wanting to be a part of their growing up. From what my husband says- it was the same way when he was growing up. Thank goodness he is the most loving, involved parent on the planet!

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I hear ya OP, and can sympathsize.

Though my inlaws favor my SIL's kids over DH's and mine. I knew this would happen when her kids were born 2 years ago. My MIL watches SIL's twins 4 days a week and sees them about 6 days a week total, every week.

Sometimes 4-6 weeks will go by before FIL and MIL see my kids. We live 1/2 hour away. Final straw was 1 month ago when it was DS's birthday and instead of coming over for cake decided it was more important to visit with the twins,,, again.

My DS is 9 and old enough to see. He was very hurt by his grandparents actions and even cried. Needless to say, it was the final straw and I no longer talk or visit.

It comes down to everyone is afraid to upset my SIL. She is a spoiled princess and at 34 y, you'd think she would have grown up, but why should she when everyone bends down and kisses her butt. I can't stand it anymore. It's OK to upset my 9 yo DS to the point of making him cry as long as "the princess" gets her way.

Enough is enough. So sorry this is happening to your DD's.

 

[RNMOM]

I will probably be in the minority here. I don't have grandchildren yet and probably not for a while. That said, why do parents expect other family members to attend events like this? It was the parent's and the child's decision to sign up and pay and participate in these activities. There is nothing more dull than watching other all the other children doing the activity while you wait for your little darling to do theirs.

Tape the event and edit it. Invite the family over to watch the video or better yet, wait for the next holiday or event when you are all together and show the family videos together.

I think it is unreasonable to expect an adult man or even woman to give up an entire afternoon to sit in a stuffy auditorium for a 5 min. performance. I don't plan to do it. Don't get me wrong, I will help get the little darlings to practices/lessons and will make costumes. I just don't feel it is necessary to give up a whole day to these things.

Don't let this ruin your family relationships. Give your FIL a break and just show him the clip from the performace when he visits next time.

 

[#1hockeymom]

Dh's side. His father has been to one of our DD's activities. (edited to add, FIL's wife wanted to come, and I found out later it was because a lady from work had her DD at the same show. I'll never know if they were there for DD or to look good at work.) It was county finals for a talent show in HS. He has been to NONE of DS's. (both kids were in sports and are/were on honor rolls)

My side. My father has been to NONE of DD's stuff, and only three hockey games for DS. My mom lives in Florida and wouldn't recognise either child if she were to pass them on the street.

I believe my MIL, RIP, would have gone to A LOT of their activities. We learned to live with it even if we aren't happy about it. We also never had baby sitters/grand sitters, even though they live within a 45 minute drive.

*typing this is angering me. Maybe I haven't learned to live with it. I just know its the way things are.*

 

[MELSMICE]

I think it is unreasonable to expect an adult man or even woman to give up an entire afternoon to sit in a stuffy auditorium for a 5 min. performance.

LOL. Even if it were a 5 minute performance, I don't find it unreasonable to think that a grandparent would support their grandchildren.

Funny though, between my 2 DD's they were in a total of 19 dances - hardly a 5 minute performance & the show is just about 2 hours long, including intermission because, you're right, no one does want to sit through a long performance. I make sure that I don't make it much longer than 2 hours.

Of course, this isn't the only thing though. My DH used to send his parents the schedules for any sporting events my DD's are in - they/he can't be bothered with that either.

ETA - My MIL did come to every show & helped at each of them, so I don't have any harsh to say towards her at all regarding this.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

*typing this is angering me. Maybe I haven't learned to live with it. I just know its the way things are.*

Even though we love different hockey teams. I know how you feel. When I typed my post, I get ticked just thinking of my DS crying on his birthday because of my inlaws and SIL's selfishness.

DD's recital is next tuesday. Usually DH's parents do come, but complain the whole time, this year DD didn't even ask them to come. She said they probably won't come anyhow.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

You know what I find sports boring but if my kids or grandkids were participating, I would be there every single time and make a fun day out of it.

I agree, something could be as boring as watching paint dry and I'd still show up to support my kids or even someday my grandkids. Then take them to lunch or dinner or ice cream afterward, kids don't need to hear it's "not your thing" they just need to know you love them enough to come, and then when they figure out you really hate whatever it is they'll REALLY know you love them. I remember thinking this about relatives who came to things i knew they hated, they were there for me and not the sport or whatever, that meant a lot.

 

[Loverly]

Honestly-a lot, and i mean, a LOT of men will not sit through a dance recital. No way jose'! I don't think that in itself means they love that grandchild less.

I also have issues with grandparent favoritism, and now my grown kids don't have a great relationship with one grandparent because of it.

 

[barkley]

i have'nt read all the response but i'll put in my opinion.

i was into choir and performing arts as a kid (actualy all my life). my dad realy never attended and as a young kid i never thought about it. as a young adult (high school) i asked my mom why and she said that it just was not his thing (this was the truth-my father detested musical movies, would never opt to watch a choir or a play). initialy it hurt-i thought 'if you love someone then you attend-even if it's not of your interest'. now as a much older adult and long time performer i have to say that i would not want someone to come to a performance just because i'm in it. i would only want them to attend because it's something they would attend otherwise.

i look at this on the non performing arts basis-i have not interest in and generaly detest sports. beyond baseball i do not understand any of the rules or formats of any organized sports. the only basis my attending a family member's game would be for me to physicaly be there-i would not truly be cheering on their successes because i would not reccognize them (unless heavily clued in by someone). to that end-i guess if it meant so much for someone that i just be at an event, totaly unaware and unknowledgable of what they were doing i would attend, but honestly, i would hope-if they truly cared enough about me to want me near to them-they would appreciate our differences and comonalities, and choose those occasions where i could be truly understanding and appriciative of their achievements so that my support and celebration of their achievements would be honest.

 

[#1hockeymom]

Even though we love different hockey teams. I know how you feel. When I typed my post, I get ticked just thinking of my DS crying on his birthday because of my inlaws and SIL's selfishness.

DD's recital is next tuesday. Usually DH's parents do come, but complain the whole time, this year DD didn't even ask them to come. She said they probably won't come anyhow.

We both agree hockey is the coolest game on Earth.. we're not that far apart! LOL

DH just came home and I told him about my post, and how I realized I had to add in that last line. He agrees 100 percent with what I wrote.

 

[Camicar]

OP, I can totally sympathize. My father had so little interest in his only grandchild, that he could not remember her name. His employee's sons, however? Whole different story. He knew everything about them, bought them presents, attended their events. Why? Well, I can remember once asking my father if he was disappointed that he had only had girls. His response, "Of course not. If I'd had boys, I would have had to pay attention to them." Neither I nor my dd attended my father's funeral. Ironically -- neither did my father's employee or his sons.

My ILs favor their other grandchildren over my dd. We have never asked them to visit for one of her performances bec they would not come. My dh, however, sometimes has trouble accepting reality. Last year, he proudly showed them a dvd of a tv show my dd had written, acted in and directed and which had won a statewide award. My FIL's response after less than 3 minutes? "Can you turn this off? You're wasting my time. What a bunch of crap. I can't believe anyone gives the station money for this sh!t." Luckily, I had foreseen his reaction and had distracted my dd so that she didn't have to hear HIS crap. But, she's picked up enough cues to know that if she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, he could care less. Needless to say, she protests vehemently at spending any time with him.

Which is a long way of saying that if a grandparent thinks they don't have to 'be there' (which occasionally might mean the small sacrifice of an afternoon of boredom. Heavens, the horror!) and can still have a great relationship with their grandchild, think again. If you think you can ignore your grandchildren's activities and expect them to want to visit you, think again. All relationships require reciprocity.