Why do grandparents disappoint their grandchildren?

[Pigeon]

Wow, I had no idea this was so common.

My dad is like this. After my mom died, he remarried a woman who also had a lot of adult kids. They attend every one of his wife's grandchildren's events and on the rare occasions when we see him, I just about gag listening to him go on about her grandchildren. I seriously doubt he could pick my kids out of a lineup.

We used to try to see them and make sure there was a relationship. I finally just gave up because it was pointless. The sad truth is that while he loves them in some abstract way, he really doesn't love them in the ways that matter.

My kids and I really are much happier since I stopped trying. My father will occasionally complain that I don't call him enough. We live five minutes away. If he can't make time to see his own grandchildren occasionally, then I guess I can't be bothered to pick up the phone.

Fortunately, my ILs do have a great relationship with my kids.

 

[MELSMICE]

Which is a long way of saying that if a grandparent thinks they don't have to 'be there' (which occasionally might mean the small sacrifice of an afternoon of boredom. Heavens, the horror!) and can still have a great relationship with their grandchild, think again. If you think you can ignore your grandchildren's activities and expect them to want to visit you, think again. All relationships require reciprocity.

Very well said.

 

[castleview]

My FIL has stated time & again that it's boring & that it's really a bother for him to be there,

!!!

Uh, most men feel that way - your FIL is very selfish if he thinks all of us want to be at every function our children have.

DH and DF lived through our girls' recitals - heck, it's once a year!

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Let your daughter ignore him next time. The fact that he would complain about her not giving him any attention speaks volumes.

 

[castleview]

LOL. Even if it were a 5 minute performance, I don't find it unreasonable to think that a grandparent would support their grandchildren.

Funny though, between my 2 DD's they were in a total of 19 dances - hardly a 5 minute performance & the show is just about 2 hours long, including intermission because, you're right, no one does want to sit through a long performance. I make sure that I don't make it much longer than 2 hours.

Of course, this isn't the only thing though. My DH used to send his parents the schedules for any sporting events my DD's are in - they/he can't be bothered with that either.

ETA - My MIL did come to every show & helped at each of them, so I don't have any harsh to say towards her at all regarding this.

Only two hours!!!! Where's your studio????

 

[ticktock]

OP, I can totally sympathize. My father had so little interest in his only grandchild, that he could not remember her name. His employee's sons, however? Whole different story. He knew everything about them, bought them presents, attended their events. Why? Well, I can remember once asking my father if he was disappointed that he had only had girls. His response, "Of course not. If I'd had boys, I would have had to pay attention to them." Neither I nor my dd attended my father's funeral. Ironically -- neither did my father's employee or his sons.

My ILs favor their other grandchildren over my dd. We have never asked them to visit for one of her performances bec they would not come. My dh, however, sometimes has trouble accepting reality. Last year, he proudly showed them a dvd of a tv show my dd had written, acted in and directed and which had won a statewide award. My FIL's response after less than 3 minutes? "Can you turn this off? You're wasting my time. What a bunch of crap. I can't believe anyone gives the station money for this sh!t." Luckily, I had foreseen his reaction and had distracted my dd so that she didn't have to hear HIS crap. But, she's picked up enough cues to know that if she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, he could care less. Needless to say, she protests vehemently at spending any time with him.

Which is a long way of saying that if a grandparent thinks they don't have to 'be there' (which occasionally might mean the small sacrifice of an afternoon of boredom. Heavens, the horror!) and can still have a great relationship with their grandchild, think again. If you think you can ignore your grandchildren's activities and expect them to want to visit you, think again. All relationships require reciprocity.

From what you said your FIL said your situation goes way beyond not wanting to spend a long afternoon in a stuffy recital hall. None of by beeswax I know but was your DD show about something controversial, politically or something that it bothered your FIL that much?

 

[MELSMICE]

Only two hours!!!! Where's your studio????

LOL - suburb of Buffalo, NY. I will admit, with my presentation at the end it was a little over 2 hours!

 

[GrowingUpDisney]

Try this one on for size...my ILs were the BEST grandparents and ILs in the world up until 2 years ago. They would often just gather up all four grandkids and have them spend the weekend with them or take them all to the zoo or something fun. Well, about two years ago MIL changed and wants nothing much to do with my kids or my SIL's (HER OWN DAUGHTER) kids, but will go way out of her way to do for the other SIL's kids. Last October they up and moved to the beach (4 hours away) and are really not involved. They are missing so much...I feel sorry for my FIL because he wants to be with us. When they come to visit, he makes her come to my boys' baseball games. Of course, the whole time she is there she wants to talk about the beach or C (her favorite daughter) and isn't even watching the boys play. It is so very aggravating. My dh is beside himself!

MY parents on the other hand are awesome! They spoil my boys rotten as well as the other three grandkids that live an hour away. As we speak those three are at my parents house for a two night sleepover just because she wanted to see them! They would have had all five of them, but one of mine has baseball camp this week. They attend every function they can and when they can't come - THEY tell the kids why and that they are sorry they will miss it. "I" don't have to make up excuses for them like I do my ILs.

 

[ticktock]

LOL. Even if it were a 5 minute performance, I don't find it unreasonable to think that a grandparent would support their grandchildren.

Funny though, between my 2 DD's they were in a total of 19 dances - hardly a 5 minute performance & the show is just about 2 hours long, including intermission because, you're right, no one does want to sit through a long performance. I make sure that I don't make it much longer than 2 hours.

Of course, this isn't the only thing though. My DH used to send his parents the schedules for any sporting events my DD's are in - they/he can't be bothered with that either.

ETA - My MIL did come to every show & helped at each of them, so I don't have any harsh to say towards her at all regarding this.

Because your "into" this whole thing I doubt you can comprehend how monumentally boring some people find these things. I personally don't like kid's dance, sparkly dance costumes, little girls in makeup etc... I also don't like sports but at least at a soccer game you can enjoy being outside, watching birds etc... I would go to the big dance recital or game for my kid or grand but I would not go to every one of them and if I thought I could leave after my kid performed without starting World War III with the scary stage mothers/sportsdads I would!

Which is a long way of saying that if a grandparent thinks they don't have to 'be there' (which occasionally might mean the small sacrifice of an afternoon of boredom. Heavens, the horror!) and can still have a great relationship with their grandchild, think again. If you think you can ignore your grandchildren's activities and expect them to want to visit you, think again. All relationships require reciprocity.Today 06:24 PM

I don't go to most of my DS's activities (gasp!) and we are very close. I don't think the real problem behind most of these posts is that the grands don't go to activities, the problem is that they don't have any real relationship/bond with the kids. I haven't been to any of my son's Boy Scout or fencing things in years but we will sit for hours just talking, we read the same books(he let's me read his Hellboy comics before he does, what a sweet boy!), we have an appointment to watch Dr. Who together every Friday night, we plan strategies on how to talk DH/dad into another Disney trip (DH says we're plotting against him,we don't deny it ) etc... and my DS is 14 (and still hangs out with me!)so I don't think I jeapordized our relationship by not making it to every Blue and Gold banquet.

 

[momto2girls]

Because your "into" this whole thing I doubt you can comprehend how monumentally boring some people find these things. I personally don't like kid's dance, sparkly dance costumes, little girls in makeup

I can identify with this. I LOVE little girl stuff-- dance recitals, gymnastics tournaments, etc., but I can't stand going to sports activities. I'm so glad that I don't have sons because I would be miserable going to a bunch of soccer and baseball games. I can't stand being outside, so the whole thing would just make me miserable.

I'm sure that if I feel that way now, it won't change when I have grandkids. I don't expect to live anywhere near them though so that should provide me with a convenient out. I will definitely send gifts and cards and enthusiastic phone calls for these events, but I won't be sad that I'll have to miss them.

 

[MELSMICE]

I also don't like sports but at least at a soccer game you can enjoy being outside, watching birds etc....

Unless it's raining & the birds are all huddled in their nests!!!

I grew up with dance. A younger sister did dance & sports & my brother was into sports. I was quite a bit older so wasn't around for many things.

Now, however, I have one DD that gave up dance to do sports. I absolutely love going to watch her play sports. It is something I didn't experience much growing up & it is so much fun to do something different.

I obviously love dance, but being introduced to sports through one of my DD's has been awesome.

 

[GrowingUpDisney]

Because your "into" this whole thing I doubt you can comprehend how monumentally boring some people find these things.

That's just the problem - it isn't about YOU...it is about them. Who cares if you think it is boring? You are supposed to be doing said thing for THEM and the fact that you love THEM and you want THEM to be happy.

("YOU" is a generalization...I quoted ticktock to make a point not to single him/her out.)

 

[castleview]

Unless it's raining & the birds are all huddled in their nests!!!

I grew up with dance. A younger sister did dance & sports & my brother was into sports. I was quite a bit older so wasn't around for many things.

Now, however, I have one DD that gave up dance to do sports. I absolutely love going to watch her play sports. It is something I didn't experience much growing up & it is so much fun to do something different.

I obviously love dance, but being introduced to sports through one of my DD's has been awesome.

Did your father attend your dance recitals?

 

[MELSMICE]

Did your father attend your dance recitals?

All but one of them for 41 years & still does. He is there for all 3 shows every year helping out, as well as my mother. My maternal grandparents attended all of them until they passed away.

My parents now winter in Florida & I know they would like to stay there longer than they do, but they make the trip home specifically for the recital.

The show my father missed was 3 years ago because he had hip replacement surgery & the Dr. told him he could not make the drive home from Florida just then. He called the morning of the show as we were setting up & cried on the phone because he wanted to be there for me. My mother specifically flew home the day before so she could be there. She flew back to Florida the day after the show & when my father was able to they drove home.

So, yes, my father has always attended my recitals. I'm not sure if that would surprise anyone. He's my dad.

 

[disneygals]

My parents don't miss anything my kids do either. The ballet/theatre school is having 3 shows this year..May 17 recital, May 31 Lil Abner, June 14 Full-length ballet. My mother is a ballet teacher in the next state and she still finds a way to get here around her obligations. My in-laws were also supportive before they died.


When my girls were little, there was some event and my dh said oh, I didn't know you expected me to go. I was SO annoyed and I said for furthur notice, if there is an event you are expected to be there! He used to complain about the recitals and I said for 3 hrs of your life you can suck it up! He is finally trained

 

[momto2girls]

All but one of them for 41 years & still does. He is there for all 3 shows every year helping out, as well as my mother. My maternal grandparents attended all of them until they passed away.

My parents now winter in Florida & I know they would like to stay there longer than they do, but they make the trip home specifically for the recital.

The show my father missed was 3 years ago because he had hip replacement surgery & the Dr. told him he could not make the drive home from Florida just then. He called the morning of the show as we were setting up & cried on the phone because he wanted to be there for me. My mother specifically flew home the day before so she could be there. She flew back to Florida the day after the show & when my father was able to they drove home.

So, yes, my father has always attended my recitals. I'm not sure if that would surprise anyone. He's my dad.

I think that is wonderful. Truly I do. But that is what is typical for your family. Not all families are like that and you have to respect what is "normal" for them too. I don't see a lack of interest over attending a function to be indicative of an uncaring attitude.

I am extremely involved in my children's life and so is their father. We would never think about missing any of their events. However, their grandparents never attend anything. In our family that is normal. Why should they attend? They already did that for their children and I think they've paid their dues. When my children have children, they will attend all of their children's functions but I don't think it is necessary for my husband and I to do so (at least not every function).

 

[ZuZugal]

Don't upset yourself even more. I know one thing for sure. You are not going to change your FIL.

The only thing you truly have control over in this situation (or any with your inlaws) is what YOU do and how YOU react. You cannot make them act a certain way or believe certain things no matter how strongly you feel.

I'm not going to say "let it go" because that would just be unrealistic. One thing I've come to learn in life is you're just not going to change other people: period.

 

[disykat]

I'm with the "why do grandparents have to go to everything" crowd. My kid's grandparents live away, but I can't even imagine inviting them to everything. The only thing we invite them to is big church things and even then, one set doesn't come. It's not because they don't love my kids. They're just not into "events" and not into church. Our feelings aren't hurt. If we lived closer, they'd probably come to something every once in a while but certainly not most.

I think it sounds like the parents are setting up the expectation, and might be putting that disappointment on their kids. I'd venture that there aren't THAT many grandparents at these events. It's not like everyone else has grandparents there and only one child doesn't.

If a child has a good enough relationship with grandparents to even CARE if they don't come to those things - that's a pretty good relationship IMO!

Sometimes I can barely tolerate sitting through some of my kid's programs. I can't imagine forcing someone else to!

 

[FayeW]

Both my parents and my in-laws live in different provinces than we do, so this has never been an issue. If we were closer, I know my mother would come to every soccer and hockey game for DS, and to watch DD's horse riding lessons. My father, well, I am sure he would attend some of them with her, but I wouldn't expect him to attend all of them because I know that just isn't his thing. I highly doubt that my in-laws would attend the games, maybe once a year if we were lucky, since we are the only family members living out of province and they don't attend the events for the grandchildren who live in the same city! Good thing they live far away so I don't have to worry about them making a liar out of me!

Because neither set of grandparents is physically able to attend their evernts, I often have DS call his grandmothers to let them know when something exciting happens in his game. When he scores a goal he or I will call them and tell them, so they have an opportunity to share in his excitement and enthusiasm and it helps to create a stronger relationship with them that is somewhat lacking due to distance. My mother is DS's biggest fan. She proudly shows of his pictures in his uniforms. This year, at a hockey tournament they had a guy taking digital "action photos" that could be printed and mounted on a plaque onsite. There were several photos of my son, including two when he was carrying the puck, and one with his arms raised after scoring. They put all 3 photos on one 8 x10 sheet, and I purchased one for us, and one for each set of grandparents. My husband said "you know Mom is just going to stick that in a photo album" but I didn't care, I just wanted them to have it. My mother was thrilled, and drags it out to show everybody who comes in the house.

 

[castleview]

I think that is wonderful. Truly I do. But that is what is typical for your family. Not all families are like that and you have to respect what is "normal" for them too. I don't see a lack of interest over attending a function to be indicative of an uncaring attitude.

I am extremely involved in my children's life and so is their father. We would never think about missing any of their events. However, their grandparents never attend anything. In our family that is normal. Why should they attend? They already did that for their children and I think they've paid their dues. When my children have children, they will attend all of their children's functions but I don't think it is necessary for my husband and I to do so (at least not every function).

While I agree with this, I think the OP is upset that FIL goes to all his grandsons' events, but not the granddaughters.

 

[Liberty Belle]

At least my in-laws snub all the grandkids equally in my family! Boy or girl, they aren't that interested. I realized a long time ago that my MIL likes pictures of her grandkids much more than the real thing. She likes to talk about them to her friends, and "seem" like an involved, loving grandparent- she has their pictures all over her house and fridge... so the company sees how cute they are- but really, I am over her not wanting to be a part of their growing up. From what my husband says- it was the same way when he was growing up. Thank goodness he is the most loving, involved parent on the planet!

You know, I know some people like that. They like to show off pictures, but they really seem to lack that maternal and paternal instinct. I think maybe some of them have kids because it is the expected thing to do, but they don't really love them in a maternal/paternal way. These people may go on to have grandchildren, and I don't think they change by then. They're the same type of grandparents as they were parents.