Why do grandparents disappoint their grandchildren?

[MELSMICE]

As I stated in another thread, my recital for the dance studio I own was this weekend.

My FIL has stated time & again that it's boring & that it's really a bother for him to be there, however, he has always dragged himself to at least one performance to see his grandaughters. We have 3 performances over 2 days.

He has told me over & over how it's much more fun to watch boys sports. Don't get me started on how he thinks boys are better than girls & he is always rooting for his children to have boys over girls. (we have 3 girls & are not having any more) Imagine his disappointment when my twin DD's were born.

He didn't show up to the show at all this year as it was more important to sit home all day Saturday & then go to his grandson's hockey game on Sunday.

I told DH that I know it's his dad but I've had enough of him treating his grandaughters as 2nd class citizens & while I won't say anything, I will not sit there & listen to his crap any more. I will get up & walk away when he starts.

DH told me he's had enough also & will talk to him about it & I know he will. He has no problem confronting his parents as he has in the past.

A few months ago FIL called to say he was disappointed in our oldest because at a family function she never stopped to talk with him (gee, I wonder why now). We reprimanded our oldest & told her how disappointed we were in her. She called to apologize to her grandfather, as she should.

But, as for me, I'm sick of it. I will be polite, but I've had enough.

Thanks for listening!!!

 

[teacups]

I'm sorry this is happening. I know when someone hurts your kids... it actually hurts you more. My kids have two sets of grandparents who dont even attempt to be interested... we just make sure we make up for, and we stopped inviting them. The kids are not upset that they didnt show up when they were not expected to show up anyway.

 

[mickeyboat]

to your little girls. I don't think your FIL realizes it, but those girls notice what he is doing, and it hurts them.

My FIL loves my kids, but clearly favors my youngest. The two of them have a really special bond, and while I am happy for Emily that she has that relationship with her grandfather, I feel sad for Hannah that she doesn't. It is almost like he has to try a lot harder to be close to Hannah, while it comes naturally with Emily.

Hannah notices. She hasn't gotten it all figured out yet, and hasn't said anything to me about it, but she knows. I think she is becoming resentful and purposely pulls away from him. It is too bad really.

That being said, my FIL would give his life for those girls. He takes them whenever he can. He comes to all of the school functions he can. He comes to all of their baseball practices and games. He picks them up from day care. He helps them with their homework. He even had a defibrillator implanted this winter to make sure he sticks around to see them grow up. He stocks his house with their favorite treats. He is there for every holiday. He will play catch and twirl a jumprope until he can hardly move. They are lucky little girls.

Someday your FIL will realize what he is missing.

Denae

 

[NY Disney fan]

You know what I find sports boring but if my kids or grandkids were participating, I would be there every single time and make a fun day out of it.

 

[cabanafrau]

My DDs have finally reached the ages where they're not only aware of the situation, they've moved beyond it. In our situation they are the only grandchildren & ironically they're not the favorite grandchildren . It has nothing to do with the behavior of the kids. My in-laws are only interested in their own things & cannot understand why our girls aren't interested in military vehicles, fishing, guns & aren't registered members of the Republican Party. Everything the girls are interested in is either worthless to my in-laws or the unmarried, non-working BIL can do better, stronger, faster & smarter. Hello, he's pushing 50. Don't you think it's about time mommy & daddy pushed their prize chick out of the nest?

DH isn't surprised by their behavior one bit & has no problem w/ us seeing them as infrequently as possible. He did step in at one point several years ago when they tried to play the girls off against one another by favoring one over the other. That truly got his goat because, as you might imagine, he was the less-favored brother growing up, too.

 

[Scrapologist]

Ooh I am sure it stings to watch his father treat the grandson(s) in the family differently. It shouldn't be that way and I am sorry. I do hope your DH says something though, it does seem so unfair to your little girls.

I have had the same problem with my MIL and it just got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I was tired of chasing after her to remind her of the kids school plays and such. She never once came to any of MY kids birthday parties, but would travel an hour away to go to her DAUGHTER's kids parties. Whatever. I couldn't care less as she smokes like a chimney anyway and I certainly don't want my kids around smoke.

We never got along much anyway, so no big loss. Whatever my kids lose from her, they gain heavily from my parents, who spoil them rotten!!

Good Luck

 

[goofy4tink]

I know exactly how you feel. My mother would have died before she missed any of my dd's recitals or plays. My mil however, has a whole different thought process. Now, my mom has been dead for close to 5 years, so my dd has only her other grandmother. My step-mom tries to fill in and does a great job but they are in Florida more often than not, so isn't around much.
But, when my dd has a show, or had a recital, my mil would just say.."Oh, I couldn't drive all that way. Wish I could, but it's just not possible." Then, if I bring a DVD of the performance, she watches for about 20 seconds and then starts talking to someone else in the area and if there is no one around, will try talking to me!! What the heck??? My child is performing here, thought you might be interested!
The thing that really irks us is that Grammie is always able to make it to her grandson's stuff for the most part. She stays overnight there, but always pooh poohs our invitation to stay over...we live about 45 mins further away than my bil and his family.

Thank heaven the other uncle and aunt always come out to her stuff..at least she feels someone thinks she's special. And, I continue bringing the DVDs when we visit Grammie. Wonder why my dd hates visiting her so much!!!

 

[Amlee]

OP, you missed a big chance in telling your FIL a thing or two, when he commented about the family function.

At the next function when your DD doesn't speak to him, and he comments about it. Tell him, if he would bother to spend time with his GD's, they MIGHT know him well enough and be comfortable enough to talk to him.

This is something I have gone around and around with my parents about. The GK's are in different sports and activities through out the year. They think because the sponser them, or give them money to support them, they are supporting them and don't need to actually go to the events.

The few times they have gone, the faces on the kids are priceless!

 

[TEENEE]

My mom doesn't got to every event that my kids have but she does attend a lot. I don't expect her to be at everything. She has 7 grandkids and has to try to keep things fair. She raised 3 kids, at this point in her life she should not feel like she has support everyone. My step dad used to go to the kids functions but do to health problems he doesn't make it to much anymore.

My dad, step mother and in laws are another story. Both of those sets of grandparents can't be bothered to show up to anything for my kids but hardly miss a thing when it comes to their other grandkids. I don't understand. I used to make sure all the grandparents were emailed baseball schedules, concerts and anything else I thought would be of interest. After a couple years of none of them showing up I stopped giving the information. Why should I waste my time when they don't seem to care. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when there is no expectation for them to show up. Some day they will wish they had opened their eyes.

 

[HelenePA]

I I knew the answer to the question why do they disappoint we still might be in contact with Dh's side of the family... Honestly my kids are better off with out them for the past 2 years. Sadly they only disappoint my girls, not my son. is disgusting.

 

[KLAIT]

We have the same situation here. DH has only 1 brother and we have 1 child, they have 2. They are by far the favorites...mine is mild mannered and very respectful...nephew is not so much. A long time ago my MIL told me she lets him act the way he does and she tries hard with him because she is afraid he will not like her. the Niece is the only girl and is by far the princess of the clan. My child is not perfect, however is definately the best behaved of the bunch and gets crapped on a lot.....for instance, she took both boys to the store and they were looking at toys....when it was time to go my nephew started hollaring and screaming that he wanted a toy and was not going to leave...so she bought him one and told my son (who did not have a problem with leaving without something and who she knew would not say a word) that he had enough toys and didn't really need any more....

It fries my butt to no end, but DH will not say a word

 

[puffkin]

We live fairly close to both of our parents. All are fairly young and in good health.

My mom will drop anything for my son. She will watch him whenever we need and spends practically every weekend with us. She would come by more if we would let her. My dad also enjoys spending time with him but he usually won't come to our house for some reason....so my mom usually takes my son home with her (usually on a Friday she picks him up early from daycare and takes him to her house). He is not old enough for activities, but once he is my parents will be at everything.

My in-laws live a mile away. We NEVER see them. We have told them numerous times that we have an open door....just call before you come up to make sure we are home. We don't like taking our son down there a whole lot because he gets into all their stuff and I don't trust their two dogs very much. Even at the Memorial Day picnic we went to, MIL couldn't even bother to get off her chair and play with my son for over 3 hours....she barely acknowledged him. The kicker is that she doesn't even work and still can't make time to visit every now and then.

My inlaws are very nice people, and if we ask them to watch our son if daycare is closed or something, they don't have a problem. But they never make ANY effort to see him. And then we just feel like we are using them all the time, so we try not to ask them as much as possible. My SIL has 2 school age girls adn they treat them the same way. It is just really sad because they have these 3 beautiful grandchildren and they don't ever feel the need to see them.

Oh, and DH notices it now too. We just had landscaping put in and they swung by our house on a Friday afternoon to see it. They know we both work....My DH asked why they didn't stop by when we were home so they could see our son and she didn't have an answer. My DH was

 

[horseshowmom]

My DD is almost 21 years old now and has no relationship with DH's parents. There has always been an obvious show of favoritism toward the boys.

DD is in pharmacy school with a 4.0 GPA. She's won major horse competitions (including a national honor). She's a beautiful girl who is very well mannered and polite (not just my opinion - others have remarked on it). She's engaged to wonderful young man. BUT when she's around her grandparents, all they ever talk about is their grandson who is also her age. He got engaged right after she did, and it was a huge celebration (barely acknowledged DD's engagement).

Every now and then the grandfather will call our house to complain to DH that DD doesn't ever go visit them. DH just makes an excuse. DD says that he should just suggest that they call the grandson and cut out the middle man.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when DD made a special effort to get to the hospital when her grandfather was there last year. When she went in to see him, he looked up and in annoyed tone asked, "Where's W?" (W is one of the boys. ). At that point, she'd had enough and said that she no longer felt under any obligation (I agreed with her as did her dad).

Fortunately, my parents don't behave this way, and she's very close to them. Happily, she's also very close to her DFi's parents and grandparents (and that really makes me happy due to the other circumstances).

 

[jen0610]

Yea it's a whole lot of fun trying to explain to your kids why dad's parents almost never go to your activities, but go to several of your cousins activities.

DD10 has her dance recitals this weekend. Sat night she does all of her ind class dances plus the group prodction number. Sunday, she only does the production number. This is the 2nd year in a row we have gotten this lucky with her dances. With all of the ind classes being done on 1 night, it makes it very easy to come and see her dance. They don't have to pay for anything, I'd buy their tickets and DH would pick them up and take them home. She asked them herself 3 times to come. All 3 times, she was never answered, they just blew off the question. Last year she asked them to come and seeing as her aunt and cousin were in from CA for a visit, she asked them as well. Blew her off last year as well. The cousin was not happy with the adults, as she really wanted to go, but she was told (when we weren't there) that she wasn't allowed to go. They (her grandma/pa and mom) needed her to stay home.

Our two kids have over the years been in:
7 yrs baseball
5 yrs softball
3 yrs flag football
5 & 4 yrs basketball
8 yrs dance
4 yrs poms
And the grandparents have been to 3 softball games. That is it. And the only reason that have been to those is because the team DD plays on has to travel 1 game a season to play the team that is 10 minutes from their home.

They would not have to pay for anything to come see our kids participate in. We would transport them and if there is a ticket cost (dance/poms), I would pay for it.

Over the years these same grandparents have been to and in some catagories, are still going to:
20+ football games to watch granddaughters march in band at halftime.
5 yrs of march band contest
7 yrs worth of tennis matches.
5 yrs of travel volleyball. Went to out of state tournments.
10+ yrs of 4h horse shows and redoes.
3 yrs of dance recitals
5 yrs @ 3 a yr band concerts

My kids hear them talk about going to these things, yet they can never find the time to come to theirs. DD said she's not asking them next year and she really doesn't want to give them any of her dance pictures. Her comment on that was, if they think I look pretty in the pictures, maybe they should come see how pretty and good I dance in the cosutme. Right now the only thing keeping her spirits up about recital is her cousin is coming this year.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

Wow, that's all harsh everyone. My mom and dad are the type of grandparents that have been there for all the grandkids (I don't have any yet), so I feel lucky, and confident, that my mom and dad will be there for mine as much as they were for the others (as much as old age will allow).

My DD is almost 21 years old now and has no relationship with DH's parents. There has always been an obvious show of favoritism toward the boys.

DD is in pharmacy school with a 4.0 GPA. She's won major horse competitions (including a national honor). She's a beautiful girl who is very well mannered and polite (not just my opinion - others have remarked on it). She's engaged to wonderful young man. BUT when she's around her grandparents, all they ever talk about is their grandson who is also her age. He got engaged right after she did, and it was a huge celebration (barely acknowledged DD's engagement).

Every now and then the grandfather will call our house to complain to DH that DD doesn't ever go visit them. DH just makes an excuse. DD says that he should just suggest that they call the grandson and cut out the middle man.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when DD made a special effort to get to the hospital when her grandfather was there last year. When she went in to see him, he looked up and in annoyed tone asked, "Where's W?" (W is one of the boys. ). At that point, she'd had enough and said that she no longer felt under any obligation (I agreed with her as did her dad).

Fortunately, my parents don't behave this way, and she's very close to them. Happily, she's also very close to her DFi's parents and grandparents (and that really makes me happy due to the other circumstances).

I guess I know someone who's not going to be invited to the wedding then.

 

[daisax]

Playing favorites is not cool, but my grandparents didn't go to my school events, nor was it something we expected of them. I think my mother stopped going to recitals when the grandkids hit 3rd grade or so. I can't blame her -- at a certain point things stop being entertaining because the kids are adorable and begin being something you have to endure politely until they're old enough to actually show some genuine ability.

High school band concerts --- Jr high band concerts --

 

[horseshowmom]

Wow, that's all harsh everyone. My mom and dad are the type of grandparents that have been there for all the grandkids (I don't have any yet), so I feel lucky, and confident, that my mom and dad will be there for mine as much as they were for the others (as much as old age will allow).



I guess I know someone who's not going to be invited to the wedding then.

Yes, they'll be invited and will be treated with the utmost respect. And I can assure you that they'll act like they're the grandest grandparents that ever were...

 

[CapeCodTenor]

Yes, they'll be invited and will be treated with the utmost respect. And I can assure you that they'll act like they're the grandest grandparents that ever were...

Then your bigger people than I would be in that situation. I wouldn't even dignify them with an invitation.

 

[Missy1961]

These stories always make me sad. Why don't these people realize what joy they can get from the kids? Hugs to all of those kids who get ignored.

I guess I look at my parents & see how great grandparents can be. My dad retired before the first grandkids were born, so they were able to travel from NY to VA to see the grandkids as much as possible. My mom once got on a train (she didn't drive) so she could help my sister-in-law take care of my nephews when they were 3 months old. They went to my nieces's dance recitals. They went to soccer games, baseball games, whatever they could. They read to them. My mom would get on the floor & have tea parties with my niece. And when the NY granddaughter was born, they were her caregivers until my mom got sick. My dad is still very involved with the kids, still travels to VA to see them as much as he can, and of course sees the NY granddaughters all the time. He has a fantastic relationship with all of them--he never plays favorites. The kids love their grandpa & he loves them.

 

[Disneyanajc]

At first I took offence at the title of your post…but after reading a few post…well maybe there are a few Grandparents that “disappoint” but not this Grammy and Grandpa…We try and go to all the
functions for our grandson…we are the cheering section for soccer…little league (and trust me if we had a granddaughter it would be the same)…we are there for every school function and support his school …PTA …jog-a-thon…DH has paid for and installed classroom shelves…
Our love for him is ‘unconditional’…as it is for DS and DDIL.
We feel lucky that our son and daughter in law (My Girl!) have included us in their lives…
I just wanted you to know that there are two sides to everything…AND please remember when you become (and you will) grandparents…just love them and be involved as much as you can…
jc