Why Are Women So Mean To Each Other

[Willow25]

I am currently 20.5 weeks pregnant with my first child. Since becoming pregnant I feel as though I have unwillingly joined this club. I have been given unsolicited advice, been touched by strangers and asked all sorts of really personal questions. Why do we lose our identities once we become pregnant?

I also can't understand the whole breastfeeding, stay at home or work, circumcision and co-sleeping issues. Why is it that you have to pick a side. Shouldn't women in this day and age just be happy that we all have a choice and that there is not just one perfect solution that fits for every family.

I still don't know whether or not we will breastfeed or stay at home etc. but I wish that there were more mom's out there who were open enough to be supportive no matter what decision is made.

Sorry for the vent but I have had a day full of opinions!!!!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Hugs! Not all women are catty like that.

Congrats! I'm at 31 1/2 weeks and I dare anyone to say anything to me about how to raise my kids. I am far too Southern to hold my tongue. (You can always blame pregnancy hormones too!) Don't let anyone tell you how to be a good Mother to your children. Babies need love, food, shelter and clothing. You don't have to breastfeed, co-sleep and stay at home to be a wonderful Mother. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Period.

Kelley

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Amen to that!

When I was pregnant for the first time (OK, it was 12 years ago but people were still the same), I absolutely hated feeling like public property! People felt free to touch my stomach, ask me how much weight I had gained and tell me what I should and shouldn't be eating. Complete strangers gave me unsolicited advice and just plain said stupid, irritating things to me! What's with people anyway? (Even though this was 12 years ago, as you can see, I still feel your pain!)

During my second pregancy three years later, I learned the fine art of ignoring people or just giving the shortest answers possible. Is it a boy or a girl? It's one of those. Have you thought of a name yet? I'm sure we'll call it something. Are you sure you should be eating pizza? Yes, it's good.

So, that's my best advice. Give the least amount of information without appearing too snippy. Change the subject if it's someone you wish to speak with. If not, get the heck away from them. You aren't required to give any personal information to anyone and they should know better than to ask in the first place.

Hang in there and remember it's YOUR pregancy (no one elses)!

 

[Jill72]

I am a mom of three and can totally relate to your annoyance with unsolicited advice, touches on the belly, etc. But I think that Motherhood (or parenthood for that matter) is such an amazing thing, that when people find out you are pregnant, they just want to share in your joy with you. Parenthood is a magical sort of "club" to use your word. Once you have kids, you can talk to any parent, anywhere - it universally connects us all. People just want to share and connect with one another, in my opinion, and talking about kids is one of the easiest ways to reach out to one another - that's why I think so many strangers feel it is ok to approach a parent or pregnant mom - whereas normally, they would never have even spoken to you. Does this make sense?

As for taking sides on the heated issues - I agree. There is NO right answer for every family. When you make your decision as a family about breastfeeding, working, discipline, etc. Your true friends will support you and those who don't will fall away. Once you are a parent, your social life changes and you just won't have time for those who aren't really close and good friends - so it kinda weeds out the riff raff so to speak.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

 

[jenrein]

I'm in! I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first - so all that annoying stuff you are experiencing, I had it happening at such an insecure time in my life that I almost lost it. That coupled with the looks of "oh my god that girl is pregnant". Yah I was dumb but whatever. My next 2 were the same thing, people touching my stomach and giving me all sorts of advice. I have 3- I breastfed 1 for a long time, 1 for a little and 1 none. Guess what- they all survived!

 

[labst60]

Hugs! Not all women are catty like that.

Congrats! I'm at 31 1/2 weeks and I dare anyone to say anything to me about how to raise my kids. I am far too Southern to hold my tongue. (You can always blame pregnancy hormones too!) Don't let anyone tell you how to be a good Mother to your children. Babies need love, food, shelter and clothing. You don't have to breastfeed, co-sleep and stay at home to be a wonderful Mother. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Period.

Kelley

So funny that you said this because my DD2 has always coslept and whenever anyone finds out, they always look at me like I am **such** a bad mom for not having her in her own crib (she had a crib - now a queen size bed - but NO interest ever in sleeping there!) I think Kelley is exactly right, you just need to do what works for YOUR family and let the rest of the "advice" roll off you. If all children were EXACTLY the same, then maybe there'd be one "correct" recipie for parenting ... but I think we all know every child is very different!

 

[Gillian]

If all children were EXACTLY the same, then maybe there'd be one "correct" recipie for parenting ... but I think we all know every child is very different!

This is soooo true, BUT, until you have a child who is not what you expect it's hard to fully understand. Our first was pretty much exactly what we expected, just like mom AND dad in so many ways it's scary (but expected ). DD is so different from both mom and dad in so many ways it's scary (and how did it happen??!!).

With advice, I assume it's well meaning, say "thank you" and then decide with DH what's best for our family. Sometimes you learn things you never thought about so it is nice to hear from other parents.

As for the debates, it's so sad, and so silly. One of the great things about having friends who do things differently is being able to talk about our successes and failures, so that we all get to see what it's like on the other side and learn from it. And maybe even try it out at home.

 

[Sarah7401]

I agree on all points. If you want to see some catty behavior, join a parenting message board! Whoa!

People can give me all the unsolicited advice they want, I can make some sly comment and go on about my day, but don't even THINK about touching my pregnant belly! I always kept my grocery cart, file folder, something in front of me when I was "not so big." People didn't even seem tempted at that point, but once I got bigger, I did stop a couple of hands from touching the belly. I just don't understand what makes people think that because it sticks out there that it is public domain?

Yeah, soooo with ya on this stuff.

 

[mrsltg]

Here's the plain truth - you will be the expert on YOUR baby. No one else will be (except, of course, Dad!) so no one else gets a say. I read lots of books before having my first and because of them, decided to stop reading parenting books . Parent with your heart and soul. You know what is best for your baby. I, for one, never fit neatly into any category. My choices were -

1. formula feeding
2. co-sleeping
3. no circumcision
4. disposable diapers
5. no non-medically indicated C-section or scheduled birth
6. work outside the home
7. spank when warranted
8. feed solid-food when my baby was ready - not when a book said I should
9. husband and dd's shower together until they both felt it was time for privacy
etc, etc etc

My kids are all doing great. They would have done just as great if any of my choices had been opposite. My point is, ignore the other women. Some people have a lot of time on their hands and will therefore decide to tell you how you should do things. Congratulations and best wishes on your new baby!

 

[Twingle]

Big hug to you - and congrats on your little one! Unfortunately, at LOT of people in this day and age think that their way is the "right" way, aka the "only" way. If you buck their system, the fault is with YOU. As hard as it can be - especially preggies with hormones galore - try to take it with a grain of salt. I tried to look at it that people were just interested in me and my baby, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Especially towards the end - OMG! I was sooooo ready to just have the baby, I didn't need total strangers (and really, people I knew very well!) giving me the third degree about all the baby things and stuff that goes with it.

Now, whenever anyone asks these questions, I usually reply with the answer and then "because that's what works best for our family." So many women in the area I live are just catty, and will take high offense if they interpret what you are saying as your way being better than their way.

As far as breastfeeding, circumcision, co-sleeping, staying at home and all the rest, try to be informed, figure out what works for you and your baby, and you will be doing an A+ job.

 

[ForeverWDW]

Sorry people are being so rude to you. You know what give it right back to them. The next time someone comes up and tries to rub your belly turn around and rub theirs..lol Wouldn't that just shock the heck out of them. They'll think twice about ever doing that again.
As for the advice, the only advice I ever cared about was my close friends who had kids themselves and of course my mom. But regaurdless of any advice you get (yes even from your own mom), once your sweet little darling is born your mommy instincts will kick in. You will know what is right for your child and for you. No matter what trust yourself to know what is right and wrong with your own child.

I still don't know whether or not we will breastfeed or stay at home etc. but I wish that there were more mom's out there who were open enough to be supportive no matter what decision is made.

I had picked out a perfect crib, the best day care for when it was time to return to work, bought formula, decorated the nursery and you know what? I am a proud stay-at-home mom of two who both bed shared and breastfed. My DH still teases me to this day about all the work and time I put into that nursery. But when my first was born it seemed more right for me to share our bed, to stay at home, and to breastfeed. Do your own research and keep your options open. There is no right answer I can give you on any of your questions, you have to do what is right for you and those answers will only be chosen once your child is born. I can tell you what helped me with my choices if you want.

Enjoy your time being pregnant.. it ends all to soon. Oh and CONGRATS!

 

[Nanisashi]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I stopped going on parenting boards when my daughter was a couple months old because of all the drama, but am so happy to have found this board that is so much more supportive. Only you will know whats best for your baby!

 

[mom2my3kids]

congrats on your pregnancy.. Do what you feel is right for your family..

 

[ilovejack02]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I stopped going on parenting boards when my daughter was a couple months old because of all the drama, but am so happy to have found this board that is so much more supportive. Only you will know whats best for your baby!

This can be a good board, much better than some ive been on, but it can get catty too I got the brunt of one such troublemaker a few nights ago

Op congrats on your pregnancy!!! The best way to handle folks like that give unsolicited advice is just givng them a "are you stupid?" look and as someone else said very short answers.

I hate to tell you this but now that you are joining the ranks of motherhood there will be lots of unsolicited advice from strangers, friends, and family. Develop a tough skin is a good first step.

 

[schmoopypoo]

First off congrats on the pregnancy! Second, I know how it feels when "everyone's being a critic." I still get it from people and my daughter is 5 y/o. Before I used to take everything to heart, but realized that she's MY child and as long as she is happy and healthy, then that is all that matters. She knows I love her and I know she loves me, and that should be it. And that's what I tell people now and that seems to shut em up for a little bit It's not about what other people think is right or wrong, it's what YOU feel is right! Good luck girl and congrats again

 

[ekball]

Ditto ditto ditto....

I won't reiterate what everyone has said already, but I will add my .02 about people being so 'critical' about our parenting choices. I don't by any means advocate or accept it when women (or men) are critical about choices such as co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc. It is a personal decision that each parent needs to make, for themselves and their children, and for *their* situation. No-one should be admonished for making a choice that is best for them and their child.

That said, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt here....I would like to think that the reason that many people are so passionate about these personal decisions is because they are decisions that relate to the most important thing in their lives....their children. If one can't be passionate about their children, and their parenting, than what CAN one be passionate about?!?! Still, IMHO, no-one should be made to feel like a bad parent over a personal decision made in the best interest of their family. Ever. And it drives me crazy when those militant parents start spouting off....

Congrats and best wishes to you!!! You are in for the adventure of a lifetime! It's the BEST!

 

[Kellyscrapbooks]

I still don't know whether or not we will breastfeed or stay at home etc. but I wish that there were more mom's out there who were open enough to be supportive no matter what decision is made.

Sorry for the vent but I have had a day full of opinions!!!!

There are a lot of us out there that will be supportive no matter what decision you make. Hang in there, it's a rough ride.
I remember finally yelling at my own MOM the one day when I was pregnant with my daughter that "I'm not JUST the incubator!"
It's pretty funny now, but I was shocked at how much people felt like it was their right to offer advice. Hang in there!

 

[katerkat]

Here's the plain truth - you will be the expert on YOUR baby. No one else will be (except, of course, Dad!) so no one else gets a say. I read lots of books before having my first and because of them, decided to stop reading parenting books . Parent with your heart and soul. You know what is best for your baby. I, for one, never fit neatly into any category.

Exactly! I don't fit into any one parenting "type" either, according to the books. I pick and choose what's right for my family. In fact, I'm pretty dead opposite from mrsltg but from what I know of her online, I think she's a good mom.

I try not to bring up my choices unless someone asks - and I try not to ask myself!! A friend of mine has been asking questions about breastfeeding and I've been trying hard to talk to her about it without being TOO encouraging, since ultimately it's her decision and I don't want her to feel guilty around me if she doesn't end up doing it.

And when people do ask (in a critical and/or rude manner), I've come up with snarky comments to discourage further questions.

 

[POOHDRMR]

I remember those days well and unfortunatly it didn't stop after i had my daughter. I never understood it either and I would complain to me husband about it all the time.I have to say even family members have given lots of unwanted advice-like why won't i pierce my daughters ears( aparently I am the worst mother in the world for not putting holes in my daughter before she can tell me if she wants them!!) One day in a store I was waiting on line not saying a word to anyone when a man told me I should put hot sauce on my daughters pacifier to get her to stop wanting it( she was around 2 at the time and I know she was a little old but I don't think that was the solution)Anyway try to let it bounce off you do what you feel is right for your child thats worked for me and my daughter gave the pacifier up on her own at her big girl birthday- and is not mentally scarred from her mom hot saucing her!!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

So funny that you said this because my DD2 has always coslept and whenever anyone finds out, they always look at me like I am **such** a bad mom for not having her in her own crib (she had a crib - now a queen size bed - but NO interest ever in sleeping there!) I think Kelley is exactly right, you just need to do what works for YOUR family and let the rest of the "advice" roll off you. If all children were EXACTLY the same, then maybe there'd be one "correct" recipie for parenting ... but I think we all know every child is very different!

I had to laugh - my oldest co-slept until about 18 months when she transitioned easily into a new toddler bed that her Godmother bought her. My second DD co-slept until she was almost 4. I didn't DARE tell anyone! I nursed both but also supplemented the oldest with formula b/c I had issues with my milk coming in. Both wore a combo of cloth and disposable diapers (depending on my mood and convenience). My Mom had bought a brand new crib when I was pregnant with my oldest that has hardly been slept in - DS WILL be sleeping in it more then his sisters did (or so my plan is at this point).

Each child is unique - my girls are like night and day personality wise and that started almost from birth. They both LOVE all things Disney though so they can't be that bad, right?

Good luck, OP, and all of you fellow Mommies out there. Motherhood is the toughest job on the planet but the fringe benefits are priceless.