Whos side are you on?

[Bluestars]

Yes I feel such sadnees for the "child" (no matter the age), who blindsided her parents and puprposely hurt them. Gosh people, talking about adults is one thing, but cosying (sp?) up to the "adult" that abandoned you in hiding is another. Blood doesn't make you a father, NEVER, her father is the one that is HURT right now. Being secretive about that kind of relationship only prooves that she had something to hide.... I know about curiosity too, it is only natural, But I would never ever just spring it on my mom I am trying find the person that donated sperm to her. Again, Those parents must be feeling pretty bad that she did that in secret..

Honestly, it would be a sad world if people weren't allowed to forgive one another. I think the daughter is being the bigger person in this picture. It seems like she was trying to spare the pain of her mother and father, while at the same time trying to have a relationship with her bio dad.

My older son's father and I got divorced when my son was 6 months old. I never got child support and his contact was minimal for about 13 years. Then he got his act together, got sober, and created a decent life for himself. I was thrilled that he and my son were finally able to develop some kind of relationship.

My son had a lot of resentment because of the abandonment and what he felt was rejection. It caused a lot of emotional problems in his teen years. During all those years while my son grew up, my ex was not capable of being a decent parent.

But my son is able to forgive him. It is good for everyone involved and I support them both. All that matters is that my son is happy.

 

[ginna74]

Maybe she hid it because she knew that they would overreact? I find it hard to belief that someone of her age would be given such a hard time no matter who she talks to.

yeh and look what it has caused, more hurt feelings. I mean if you have no family loyalty you're going to do whatever. Loyalty and love doesn't stop once you are 18. I am in my mid 30's and I care about people in my family. I love them and would never purposely hurt them. And would expect to be told if I was being irrisponsible with their feelings.

 

[luvmy3]

yeh and look what it has caused, more hurt feelings. I mean if you have no family loyalty you're going to do whatever. Loyalty and love doesn't stop once you are 18. I am in my mid 30's and I care about people in my family. I love them and would never purposely hurt them. And would expect to be told if I was being irrisponsible with their feelings.

Why should the parents feelings come before her own?

 

[ginna74]

Honestly, it would be a sad world if people weren't allowed to forgive one another. I think the daughter is being the bigger person in this picture. It seems like she was trying to spare the pain of her mother and father, while at the same time trying to have a relationship with her bio dad.

My older son's father and I got divorced when my son was 6 months old. I never got child support and his contact was minimal for about 13 years. Then he got his act together, got sober, and created a decent life for himself. I was thrilled that he and my son were finally able to develop some kind of relationship.

My son had a lot of resentment because of the abandonment and what he felt was rejection. It caused a lot of emotional problems in his teen years. During all those years while my son grew up, my ex was not capable of being a decent parent.

But my son is able to forgive him. It is good for everyone involved and I support them both. All that matters is that my son is happy.

Forgiveness is really a good thing. But you don't have to hurt the feelings of loved ones because you forgave. Honesty is always the best policy.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Mom has 4 kids with husband. Husband runs off leaving them 2 months behind on the rent, never to be heard from again. Mom re-marries man she met about 3 years later. He raises the 4 children as his own (ranging from 6-10 years old), and has one more with Mom.

Fast forward about 40 years, and one of the orignal 4 kids is contacted by the bio father. She has a few phone calls with him over the course of about a year, never tells anyone. He tells her that his mother has just died and asks her to meet him at the funeral. Through a round about way, Mom and adopted Dad find out about this, and are livid. They are mad because she did it behind their backs, and (I guess) because she had any contact with him at all. Mom feels that if daughter wanted to know anything about him, she should have asked Mom. Adopted Dad send a few emails back and forth with her, and the daughter decides to stop talking to Mom and adopted Dad because of the emails that were sent. I've read the emails, and what was said (by adopted Dad) wasn't very nice - he said it out of hurt I guess. Adopted Dad also sent all the emails out to other members of the family... Like me who didn't want to know about ANY of this drama.

So what do you think? Do Mom and adopted Dad have the right to be SO upset about this? Keep in mind, this has totally ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our 18 person family trip to Disney 2 days after Christmas. Oh, and by the way, the reason we were doing this huge family vacation is because Mom has breast cancer, and we don't know if we will ever have a chance to all get together like this again.

Does the daughter have the right to talk to her bio father? Should she have gone about it in a different way, i.e. tell Mom and adopted Dad before she responded to his initial contact?


Thoughts?

IMHO,
every person has a right to seek out a biological parent and decide if/what they want to do.
That being said, it could be handled differently by different people....some choose to "hide" the attempts, some choose to throw it all out there.

Based on the DRAMA that has now ensued, maybe THAT it why this person chose NOT to be forward about it.....Look what happened....perhaps they wanted to AVOID that! Maybe they wanted to NOT hurt someone with their attempts? Perhaps they did not want to go "against" the other parents wishes when they were encouraged NOT to seek.....More guilt, more drama.........
Whatever outcome is........it is a sad situation that ADULTS cannot move on and accept that people/kids are curious and entitled to figure out whom they came from.......it may HURT but that child/adult needs to work this out for him/her self!!.
I hope this works itself out.....and it can be..............with EFFORT!

 

[ginna74]

Why should the parents feelings come before her own?

well this is the result of lies and minupulations, she doesn't have to care about anyone but herself. I was just saying if she cared about anyone else...did the right thing..I dunno I guess not everyone cares for their parents like I do just makes me sad...being grown up doesn't mean you can hurt people...and she is paying for it I guess... they are hurt , and their feelings should matter.

 

[Skatermom23]

Yes, the mom and step dad have the right to be upset and hurt and let her know why. But it sounds like the daughter is the one that cut off ties because she "didn't like what was said in some e-mails". So her "dad" takes off when she is a child and then swoops back in as an adult and all is forgiven, but a few harsh e-mails and SHE cuts off contact???

I'm with the parents on this one.

I agree. I can't believe the number of people that are so quick to say the parents are at fault.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Yes I feel such sadnees for the "child" (no matter the age), who blindsided her parents and puprposely hurt them. Gosh people, talking about adults is one thing, but cosying (sp?) up to the "adult" that abandoned you in hiding is another. Blood doesn't make you a father, NEVER, her father is the one that is HURT right now. Being secretive about that kind of relationship only prooves that she had something to hide.... I know about curiosity too, it is only natural, But I would never ever just spring it on my mom that I found the person that donated sperm to her and have been talking to him for a year. Again, Those parents must be feeling pretty bad that she did that in secret.. Being appropriate here is the key, and CONSIDERATION of others, no matter the age.

She didn't purposely hurt them. Do you really believe that the reason she wanted to see her father was to purposely hurt her parents??

Blood DOES make him her biological father. If she feels the need to know what happened, to forgive him, to know medical history...whatever...it's up to HER. You've also discounted the need of every adopted child who wants to know who their biological parents are and yes, even have a relationship with them. I commend adoptive parents who are secure in their love for their children and the way they raised them, who let their children fulfill that need without laying a guilt trip on them that if they ever tried to find their bio parents it would be purposefully hurting their adoptive parents.

I don't believe for ONE MINUTE that her mother and step-father wouldn't have had a hissy fit from the very mention, in the very beginning, that she wanted to meet him, or have a relationship with him. And I don't doubt that in some way that was made very clear to her all these years, and that's why she did it "secretly". Seeing him for that first time might have been the ONLY time she saw him, and it would have been over and done with...why suffer the grief her parents might dish out when she didn't know the outcome of the meeting? Why initiate grief from her mother and step-father then? And then once it continued, to whatever extent, it was probaby just as hard to bring it up to them then. I don't blame her one bit for "hiding" it. But to suggest she did it to purposely hurt them is ridiculous.

 

[alexandria674]

So because the parents have the right to be hurt, they also have the right to act they way they are? I don't think so. How can they expect the dd to come to them and talk about it, when they aren't willing to go to her and talk about things, instead the step-dad sends nasty emails and shares them with the whole family. Its a two way street, and they can't expect the dd to respect their feelings when its apparent they don't have any for hers. Maybe the dd should have talked to them first, but its not as if she was obligated to, she is an adult now, not a child. I'm guessing if the parents were so quick to treat her this way, she probably had good reason from experience with them and that is why she pursued this on her own. Its not about her relationship with her parents, its about her relationship with her own bio-father, and nobody, not even her parents has the right to be involved in that.

I agree, I think that the daughter has every right to find out about her dad, she is an adult, not a child to be controlled. She may have questions for him, she may want to know why he left, but that is between her father and her. I understand the parents' anger but then again, it didn't have to get ugly like this. I don't think there is a "side" at all, there is nothing to really be won from this.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

well this is the result of lies and minupulations, she doesn't have to care about anyone but herself. I was just saying if she cared about anyone else...did the right thing..I dunno I guess not everyone cares for their parents like I do just makes me sad...

That is fairly extreme, and ridiculous.

This person cares about all of her parents. People change, people make mistakes. In this case, the parents are choosing their selfishness over their daughters chance to have closure and heal.

 

[luvmy3]

well this is the result of lies and minupulations, not caring about anyone else will cause this situation. She could have been honest and upfront, instead it is this.....

I see it differently, I see that the parents caused this, not her. Sure they have the right to be hurt, but if this is the dd that they claim to love, then they should have asked her about why she went behind their backs and let her explain instead of letting their anger take over, acting like spoiled immature children and making it all about them.

I'm a bit biased, I was abandoned by my mother so I know how hard it can be when that parent wants to come back in your life. I also know how hard it is to want to do the right thing by everyone, but still making sure what you want is the most important thing. I don't fault her for not coming to her parents first, especially if the mother had held onto the resentment for the bio-dad all these years. I fault the parents for not looking beyond their selfishness and see that their dd has every right to know that man and listen to what he has to say as opposed what they have to say about him, and that no matter what they feel about what he did in the past, its about their dd's future with him.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I see it differently, I see that the parents caused this, not her. Sure they have the right to be hurt, but if this is the dd that they claim to love, then they should have asked her about why she went behind their backs and let her explain instead of letting their anger take over, acting like spoiled immature children and making it all about them.

I'm a bit biased, I was abandoned by my mother so I know how hard it can be when that parent wants to come back in your life. I also know how hard it is to want to do the right thing by everyone, but still making sure what you want is the most important thing. I don't fault her for not coming to her parents first, especially if the mother had held onto the resentment for the bio-dad all these years. I fault the parents for not looking beyond their selfishness and see that their dd has every right to know that man and listen to what he has to say as opposed what they have to say about him, and that no matter what they feel about what he did in the past, its about their dd's future with him.

My dad was absent through our lives. I am so grateful that my mom encourage us to work things out rather than being nasty and bitter.

 

[ginna74]

My dad was absent through our lives. I am so grateful that my mom encourage us to work things out rather than being nasty and bitter.

that sounds like a good mom teaching a child to hate another isn't right. And knowing seems to be the key here. lying and hiding isn't good at all.

 

[OceanAnnie]

To me, regardless of who's at fault, or who did what, the people involved are acting the way they are because each side feels their role is threatened. Age doesn't matter much when roles feel threatened. You are a parent or daughter for the duration. I do believe there is a lot of fear driving their actions.

If they can get beyond, "who did what", and have a heart to heart about their feelings of fear and their love for one another, I'm sure they can work through it all. The blame would have to be left at the doorstep. Doesn't mean that could never be talked about, but the acceptance of each other and how they feel as a daughter and a parent should come first, IMO. I think then the understanding of each other would follow. Doesn't mean certain actions were "right" but sometimes knowing why a person did what they did does make a difference. Crazy as it sounds.

 

[ginna74]

To me, regardless of who's at fault, or who did what, the people involved are acting the way they are because each side feels their role is threatened. Age doesn't matter much when roles feel threatened. You are a parent or daughter for the duration. I do believe there is a lot of fear driving their actions.

If they can get beyond, "who did what", and have a heart to heart about their feelings of fear and their love for one another, I'm sure they can work through it all. The blame would have to be left at the doorstep. Doesn't mean that could never be talked about, but the acceptance of each other and how they feel as a daughter and a parent should come first, IMO. I think then the understanding of each other would follow. Doesn't mean certain actions were "right" but sometimes knowing why a person did what they did does make a difference. Crazy as it sounds.

wow........ nicely put

 

[Disney Doll]

My dad was absent through our lives. I am so grateful that my mom encourage us to work things out rather than being nasty and bitter.

What a great Mom you have! How lucky you are to have her!!!

 

[eliza61]

Ok, first anyone at age 40 definitely can talk to whom ever she wants but.....
She has to accept the consequences of her action.
1) I do think she did it sneakily. Why couldn't she be truthful about it.
2) I have a couple of kids by you, you run out on your responsibility, leaving me financially and emotionally devestated. Yeah, I'm going to be PO'ed for a long time.
3) I really hate people who re-enter my life after causing pain and suffering and think every thing is honkey dory. Why does bio dad get a free pass? Just because he had sperm that could swim and could knock some one up? NOW after his mom pass he becomes father of the year? Plueeze. Reminds me of all the fathers who come back into the picture after they find out their son has just gotten a NBA contract.

 

[eliza61]

Honestly, it would be a sad world if people weren't allowed to forgive one another. I think the daughter is being the bigger person in this picture. It seems like she was trying to spare the pain of her mother and father, while at the same time trying to have a relationship with her bio dad.

My older son's father and I got divorced when my son was 6 months old. I never got child support and his contact was minimal for about 13 years. Then he got his act together, got sober, and created a decent life for himself. I was thrilled that he and my son were finally able to develop some kind of relationship.
years while my son grew up, my ex was not capable of being a decent parent.

But my son is able to forgive him. It is good for everyone involved and I support them both. All that matters is that my son is happy.

Why?
Why should she have a relationship with her bio dad? Why do we carry the assumption that because some one is able to father a child he get a free pass from responsibilty. Sure she can forgive him. I forgive a lot of people but that does not mean I want them in my life. Some people are toxic. Parenthood is a responsibility, if you screw it up IMO you forfeit the right to the benefits. The term "Dad" must be earned and running out on your family for 40 years doesn't give you the title of "Father" It makes you a sperm donor.

Now the end result of this will probably be, she has left bitter feelings with the people who really love her for a guy who probably won't stick around long enough for the fruitcake to get hard.

 

[luvmy3]

Ok, first anyone at age 40 definitely can talk to whom ever she wants but.....
She has to accept the consequences of her action.
1) I do think she did it sneakily. Why couldn't she be truthful about it.
2) I have a couple of kids by you, you run out on your responsibility, leaving me financially and emotionally devestated. Yeah, I'm going to be PO'ed for a long time.
3) I really hate people who re-enter my life after causing pain and suffering and think every thing is honkey dory. Why does bio dad get a free pass? Just because he had sperm that could swim and could knock some one up? NOW after his mom pass he becomes father of the year? Plueeze. Reminds me of all the fathers who come back into the picture after they find out their son has just gotten a NBA contract.

1) She didn't *sneak*, she was in contact with her own father, and didn't need anyone's permission to do so. Its her business whether she wants to tell her parents who she does and who she doesn't speak to. Do your parents know about each and every conversation you have with the various people in your life ? If not, do you feel that you are being sneaky by not telling them?
2) You can be angry, but its not fair to EXPECT your adult child to share those same feelings, even if you spent the better half of your like bad mouthing him. Its not fair to use your own anger as a reason to expect your child to never have contact with their own bio-parent.
3)Who said this guy is looking to be father of the year, that seems to be jumping to conclusions.

 

[eliza61]

1) She didn't *sneak*, she was in contact with her own father, and didn't need anyone's permission to do so. Its her business whether she wants to tell her parents who she does and who she doesn't speak to. Do your parents know about each and every conversation you have with the various people in your life ? If not, do you feel that you are being sneaky by not telling them?
2) You can be angry, but its not fair to EXPECT your adult child to share those same feelings, even if you spent the better half of your like bad mouthing him. Its not fair to use your own anger as a reason to expect your child to never have contact with their own bio-parent.
3)Who said this guy is looking to be father of the year, that seems to be jumping to conclusions.

1) We're not talking about a various stranger off the street. We're talking about some one who caused a lot of pain for the entire family and yes my parents pretty much know about the various people (and I'm in 50's) in my life especially people who in the past have caused great pain to the entire family.

2) I'm not saying she hasn't the right to see anyone but why the behind the back stuff. She's 40, time for her to put on her adult bra and be honest. she kept it to herself for one reason. she didn't want to deal with the fallout. I have grown children and I don't expect every thing they do to pass with me but I do expect them to respect me enough to be honest especially if it involves my welfare. And omission is lying by default.

3) so what's he want then?