Who would take the kids? - inspired by the car title/will thread

[Wishing on a star]

This has got to be one of the hardest things for a lot of people.

What do you do if you want to update, or create, your will and you simply cannot think if a single person/family who you would want to raise your child.

Things have changed considerably for us. Grandparents have passed away. My sister now lives out of State. etc...

Let's just say that I would describe my family as a bit, well, disfunctional. And, let's just say that on a basic idealistic level, they have a completely different outlook. (does that make sense???)

I know that many parents might have a hard time with the thought of somebody else raising their child. But, this really goes beyond that. I can really think of only one who I even think is 'capable' of caring for my child the way he needs cared for. But, they are complete and total opposits when it comes to the belief system that I would feel necessary to instill in my DS.

How have you handled this situation?

 

[dhcoffey]

My DH and I decided on his brother and his wife but then his brother passed away a couple of years ago. Now we have decided on my cousin and her husband. They actually live about four houses from us and my children love them both and they love my kids. They don't have children of their own, so they do tell us they pray that we stay healthy every night .

 

[LindsayDunn228]

My DH and I decided on his brother and his wife but then his brother passed away a couple of years ago. Now we have decided on my cousin and her husband. They actually live about four houses from us and my children love them both and they love my kids. They don't have children of their own, so they do tell us they pray that we stay healthy every night .

So you wouldn't want just your SIL to raise your kids?

 

[MushyMushy]

For us, it's not a matter of being picky about what kind of values they'd be raised with, but that they'd be treated with any kind of care at all! My sister is first on our list. She certainly wouldn't raise them with love, but she'd do her best. I wouldn't trust any of the in-laws. My parents would be right after my sister, but they are elderly. If they were 10-15 years younger, they'd be first on the list. Although my mother was abusive to me when I was a kid, she treats her grandkids really well.

I have a friend who I'd love to ask, but I never would because she's already got 4 kids of her own. I couldn't impose that kind of responsibility on her.

 

[Stacerita]

This is something that my family has made known everyones wishes since the kids were born. It its out and everone knows about it, there are no surprises or uncomfortable situations down the road.

If something should happen to me, my parents will take the sweetpea. That is assuming that they are still young enough and healthy to handle her. If they are not, my brother will be taking the sweetpea. She loves them all and understands if something happens to me, she will be with them.

Same goes for my nephews. If something should happen to my brother and SIL, their boys will be with me. I am their first choice and then my parents.

This isn't something one enjoyes talking about, but its something you need to have set ahead of time.

Same goes for organ donations, how to handle elderly parents and who will be in charge of decisons when someone cant make them for themself.

 

[punkin]

We have a will. My sister is the only one I would trust. My ILs are crazy and selfish and should never be allowed near children. My sister is also crazy, but she loves my girls as much as she loves her own children.

I am also named in my sister's will to take my DNiece if anything should God-forbid happen to her and my BIL.

 

[dhcoffey]

So you wouldn't want just your SIL to raise your kids?

Hey, Lindsay, it wouldn't be a problem for me; but my SIL and BIL lost their only daughter in a car accident nine years ago and then my BIL passed away two years ago after being sick with cancer for a long time, so SIL is not quite up to it on her own after all that. We all feel this is better in the long term for the kids. Her patience is just not there anymore and I really have no hard feelings towards her for it.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Hey, Lindsay, it wouldn't be a problem for me; but my SIL and BIL lost their only daughter in a car accident nine years ago and then my BIL passed away two years ago after being sick with cancer for a long time, so SIL is not quite up to it on her own after all that. We all feel this is better in the long term for the kids. Her patience is just not there anymore and I really have no hard feelings towards her for it.

I totally understand. Was just curious and didn't know the circumstances.

 

[dhcoffey]

No problem!!

 

[Snowysmom]

Unfortunately we don't have much family left-Dh's parents have passed away, my mother has passed away, my father is in a nursing home, and my brother is single and likes his single life and going out. DH's sister and BIL are listed in our will for now. We aren't not really thrilled with this but they were the only ones left. However, older DS will be 21 in the fall and younger DS is almost 17. We may need to rethink this soon. It is a tough decision.

 

[barkley]

i'm glad to hear people have back up plans if a certain family member can't take over for them-i had a co-worker who became a widow at an early age and then was diagnosed with terminal cancer (the kids were young-both less than 10). 3-4 weeks before she passed (and i think it sped up the process) the sister she was leaving the kids with drowned trying to save one of her own children in a swiming accident (child drowned too). you never know what's going to happen, and it's much better to have a back up plan set up.

 

[THE HAT]

DH takes a lot of business trips and I am lucky enough to be able to go along for free, when this started the first thing we did was get our wills done and ds' guardinship taken care of. DS will go to my brother and sister in law, he will be much loved and wanted, and very well taken care of. He will also be able to have time with both sets of grandparents as well. If for some unknown reason either bro or sis in law can't take him then he would go to my in-laws. (they are young enough for that to be a real choice if need be) , my parents are to old to take him full time but, would see him often.
where this isn't a fun topic or item to take care of it is very important and should never be put off.

 

[golfgal]

It is a very difficult decision. When we started to put together info for our will the first thing we talked about was who would take the kids. Our first 'requirement' was that they would raise our kids as one of their own. That pretty much ruled out almost everyone. My sister, for example, would raise them well, with similar values, etc. but they would always be second class citizens at their house. My other sister was never even in the running.

For DH's family, they would all be fine, treat the kids well, etc. His oldest sister was out because they are a Jewish and we are Catholic and that is important to us. We also don't really agree with the way they are raising their kids so that is a consideration (way, way too overprotective-their 7th grader can't ride a bike yet because she might get hurt). His younger brother and his wife would be our second choice. His other brother and youngest sister were not married at the time so we didn't consider them. We chose his oldest brother because they would raise our kids like their own. They could afford to take our kids even without the large insurance check that will come with them. They will be RESPONSIBLE with the insurance money, too. Our old stipulation for them is that they would have to move. They are very urban people and live in a very not so safe neighborhood, drive by shootings down the street. They have a lovely old house and can afford MUCH better. They bought in a city neighborhood that was supposed to be rehabbed by the city and after they bought, the funding for the program was lost. They are finally looking for a new house!

Our next choice for taking our kids would be some good friends of ours.

 

[froglady]

Our next door neighbors would be our son's guardians; DD is almost 23, so doesn't need one, but IMO is still too young to take on the responsibilty of raising a teenager. She will also be living in another state.

We have lots of family members who would be suitable, but he would have to leave this area to live with them. This way, he would be in the same neighborhood, with the same school, friends, etc. I really didn't want to add being uprooted to the trauma of losing both parents.

 

[va32h]

If parents do not name anyone, who decides? A judge, probably, who will take far less time to consider all the pros and cons of the available choices. So anyone who has not made this decision yet, should really do so ASAP.

In my case, I started thinking about who would have similar values, similar home life, etc. Then I realized that if this plan ever came to fruition, it would be because I am dead, and their father is dead - horrific circumstances. I asked myself who would my children want to be with at the worst time in their lives - who would give them the most comfort. And that's the person I picked. I do want my children raised a certain way, but more than anything, I want them to be happy.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

We need to get a will done ASAP. I have been saying for YEARS, but it never happens. For the longest time, I could not decide who would take my kids. My oldest sister would be my 1st choice, but she has raised her kids, and is just starting to enjoy life without the responsibility of children. We finally decided my husband's brother would be perfect! He is young, and ADORES the kids. They love him. My husband's other brother is great with money, how to invest it, when not to invest, ect. So I asked him to be the Executor of the estate for the kids. He said he'll make sure they go to college, save for a house, wedding, ect.

 

[diznygirl]

I have several friends and family members volunteer - it's wonderful to think that there are so many caring people in our lives. One friend - who is a divorced mother of two - even told me that although it wouldn't be ideal for her to have two more kids, she wouldn't hesitate to take mine in.

Meanwhile, DH and I have just decided to never die!!

 

[JoyG]

We made a will several years ago and it was a very hard decision. The pickin's were slim on both sides of the family. In the end we just picked my brother in law....because he's a man and my boys would need a man's influence in their lives. I hope if it came down to it he would be able to settle down a little (or a lot!) to raise them. He's a bachelor right now and enjoys his single life!

 

[padams]

When our 1st child was born, we wrote a will that named my parents as their guardians. Now, 10 years later, they are not in good health and have financial issues so we changed our will this year. I'm an only child and we don't want DH's siblings, who live in other cities and rarely see our kids, to be guardians. If something happens to both DH and me, I don't want my kids to be pulled out of their school, activities, neighborhood, etc. My kids would have enough with which to cope without the transition issues of uprooting their lives. We chose a cousin of DH who lives in our city. Because we have friends who died in an accident that also claimed the lives of their siblings who were named in their wills as guardians, we have 3 back-ups. Our second choice is a very good friend. Our 3rd and 4th choices are other cousins of DH who lives in our city.

When naming a guardian, do not name a couple. For example, if you want your sister and her husband to take your kids, then name only your sister. Otherwise, you'll have issues if they later divorce.

 

[minkydog]

We have a kind of different situation, with DS11 being severely mentally handicapped & autistic. However when the attorney sat us down as said,"Think of all the people who could take your children TONIGHT if you dropped dead, then tell me who would be better than foster care."
Holy cow! That put a different spin on it.

As it turns out we had more choices than we thought we did, even though there are also some pretty dysfunctional ones. We ended up choosing to split the kids--Christian will go to one sister and Eleni will go to SIL. Very few people would feel comfortable taking Christian, but him plus his teenage sister?? not a good idea. Of course, i sweetened to pot by setting aside a trust fund for him and leaving him a large portion of our estate so that whoever is left to raise him will have the means to do so. My older kids will have to understand that making preparations for his future means their future will be more secure. We all love Christian, but we're older parents(49 & 50) and I don't want my other kids to feel trapped into taking care of him all their lives because we didn't do what we should have.