Who Pays? A Going Out To Dinner Question….

[_19disnA]

Anyone who tries to take advantage of their dinner/drinks being paid for by someone else must be clueless and lacks any self-awareness. Would NEVER eat out again with someone who acts that way. Probably when it is their turn to pay the next time, they would suggest going to some fast food place.............LOL.

 

[BrianL]

Oh God, YES!

I may have posted this before, but we were once in a situation where we went out with a couple and said we wanted to pay, They (well, especially the man) was like "Well, since you are paying...". It was ridiculous and disgusting what he ordered and drank. We actually had to say something. Never again. In fact, we ceased our relationship over that situation.

But had I known what kind of manners this mutant had, I would have been at a more reasonably price restaurant.

Not saying the OP is going to be put in that situation. But @ronandannette opened up some old wounds by her (very smart) suggestion

While I would expect my friends/guests to get what they want if I had offered to pay, I would not expect them go overboard only because I was paying. The fact that he told you that too - very tacky! When someone is offering to pay for me at a nice (expensive) place, I an conscious of that. Of course, I don't eat heavy nor drink anyway, but still. I'm not going to order the most expensive thing on the menu just because.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I am surprised you are on speaking terms after that stunt Seriously, what is wrong with people?

And looking back, are you like me? Does it still bother you? Although we politely said "I think that is enough" when our dinner guests discussed ordering an expensive bottle of wine (on top of their cocktails and apps and "market price" mains), I wish I would have be more aggressive with my tone from the minute I realized we were being taken advantage of. This was YEARS ago, and it still owns space in my brain.

Don't you wish you would have told your BIL that his guests would have to pay for themselves and you would cover you and your husband and your MIL/FIL? Hindsight is 20/20 for real.

If we had brought it up to the whole table, I'm sure my FIL would have paid. BIL has (by now!) a long and storied history of bilking his parents out of money. It DOES still bother me--not the treating the in-laws part, the obnoxious BIL part.

I wouldn’t bring it up. It might make you feel good for 5 mins but then what after that.

In my mind, I've thought that I won't say anything, out of respect for my daughter and her big day. And the good news is, I don't drink, so I'm not likely to have alcohol loosening my tongue. That said, it's also possible that BIL/SIL will say something that pushes me over the edge. And if BIL says something like, "Remember we had the nice anniversary meal here?", it's extremely likely that my husband will say, "Yeah, I remember you stuck me with the bill!"

 

[White Cat]

If we had brought it up to the whole table, I'm sure my FIL would have paid. BIL has (by now!) a long and storied history of bilking his parents out of money. It DOES still bother me--not the treating the in-laws part, the obnoxious BIL part.


In my mind, I've thought that I won't say anything, out of respect for my daughter and her big day. And the good news is, I don't drink, so I'm not likely to have alcohol loosening my tongue. That said, it's also possible that BIL/SIL will say something that pushes me over the edge. And if BIL says something like, "Remember we had the nice anniversary meal here?", it's extremely likely that my husband will say, "Yeah, I remember you stuck me with the bill!"

Good chance it will work out that way and you won’t look bad. Even though yiu wouldn’t be doing a thing wrong.

 

[AustinTink]

Just pick up the check. He can pick it up next time.

 

[Pink Partridge]

And if BIL says something like, "Remember we had the nice anniversary meal here?", it's extremely likely that my husband will say, "Yeah, I remember you stuck me with the bill!"

The fact that he isn't awake at night, ruminating about That Time says a lot about him. I hope your DH does respond if BIL says anything.

 

[WDWEPCOT]

I would think that it would be separate checks
If it was me I might offer to pay for the appetizer for everybody to share but I wouldn’t be under the impression that I was paying for the boyfriend and his father and I wouldn’t expect him to be paying for us

I would be checking with DD see if she has any idea about how this might go down but I would think it would be separate checks If it was a well established situation where we often go out to eat then often times split who pays but this isn’t the case

I hope you have a nice dinner!!! And I do hope it’s not real getting this situation straightened out let us know how it goes!!

 

[georgina]

When traveling with a team to events, we always split the checks with our friends. I think most people would agree, but it is a good idea to have the DD discuss with BF.

If we had brought it up to the whole table, I'm sure my FIL would have paid. BIL has (by now!) a long and storied history of bilking his parents out of money. It DOES still bother me--not the treating the in-laws part, the obnoxious BIL part.


In my mind, I've thought that I won't say anything, out of respect for my daughter and her big day. And the good news is, I don't drink, so I'm not likely to have alcohol loosening my tongue. That said, it's also possible that BIL/SIL will say something that pushes me over the edge. And if BIL says something like, "Remember we had the nice anniversary meal here?", it's extremely likely that my husband will say, "Yeah, I remember you stuck me with the bill!"

OMG families. I'm dealing with an irresponsible sibling issue right now so this thread feels a bit cathartic for me.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Good chance it will work out that way and you won’t look bad. Even though yiu wouldn’t be doing a thing wrong.

I did tell my kids this story, but I also tried to emphasize that we had fond memories of their grandparents (now long gone) at this venue, and how happy it would make them for DD to be having her wedding and reception there. I also asked DD28 NOT to mention the incident to her cousins--it makes their parents and maternal aunts look very low-class, and I like my nieces too much to do that to them. It's not their fault.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Enjoy your dinner, dear Slo and extra time with your daughter, too. May meeting her boyfriend and his dad go well, too.

 

[Robber Baron]

I can only tell you what I'd do.

I'd pick up the check.

If after I ask for the check somebody else has some other idea, I'd most likely just go along with whatever they want to do.

It's one dinner in life, it's really not something to worry about.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think it used to be seen as if you invited them (often picking the place too) to dinner you'd pick up the tab.

If it was a less informal "let's grab dinner" that could be assumed to be split checks unless someone offers (and that could be the dad too).

These days I'd think you be more common to see split checks.

I agree with another poster that this situation isn't really one that you have to pick up the tab. It may be the first time meeting the parents of your child's significant other but they are there for a different reason with it sounding more like an opportunity to meet instead of a formal situation set up just for the purposes of meeting the parents. But I also agree broach the topic with your daughter so there's no misunderstandings. She may have told her boyfriend something already.

 

[RJPoste]

I think I've seen all the possibilities in the response, so if you want another vote:
1) There is no right or wrong. Do what you feel comfortable with doing for you. Don't make a big deal out of it.
2) Do talk to your daughter and ask her thoughts. Don't make a big deal out of it.
3) Unless the waitperson asks, I wouldn't ask for separate checks. See how the meal goes and then refer to number 1 above. And of course, don't make a big deal out of it.
4) Finally, don't make a big deal out of it. I know if can be a bit stressful, but whatever you do will be the right thing.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

With friends we always split the check. When I’m out with the girls, most order one drink, we share appetizers, maybe a couple will go for a cappuccino and/or dessert (which is offered up to all). There are 8 of us who go out pretty regularly, we are not going to ask for 8 checks (plus we share food, sometimes two of us will split something). Thank goodness for Venmo.

I know, (from the DIS of course lol) that you're in a region where it's not as common to split checks as frequently as other places, it being more common for places to even charge to split checks. I think I'm remembering this correctly, apologies if I'm not.

Here splitting checks is very common even parties of 8. But I think split checks and sharing are a bit different. I can't say that I've ever asked for a check to be split if me and someone else is sharing a plate, that's also why while not common here I do see some "shared plate" additional charge. But if I'm sharing something with someone else I'm also not asking for them to pay me a portion of the charge, nor have I ever been asked for my portion of something.

If we're sharing a meal or app it's like an offer is being extended to do so no expectations afterwards. It's not uncommon for someone to order an app and then say "hey if you want some have some" or "this is for the table" and there's not an expectation that you're supposed to divvy up later to account for that. Same with dessert. I agree Venmo and other things are a godsent when it comes to account for situations where one or two people buying something is much easier.

So I'd say in your scenario we would still ask for separate checks for the drinks (unless someone says "it's on me") but if sharing were involved it would be with no expectation of venmo'ing later on because so and so is picking up the app another is picking up the dessert,etc. I do understand that not splitting checks can be done for the ease of the wait staff but haven't run into any issues yet. Most wait staff here ask specifically about how the checks will be divided and most actually pre-assume based on how the table is set up. We offer up a good amount of time how the checks will be split ahead of time as well.

 

[tvguy]

I know, (from the DIS of course lol) that you're in a region where it's not as common to split checks as frequently as other places, it being more common for places to even charge to split checks. I think I'm remembering this correctly, apologies if I'm not.

Here splitting checks is very common even parties of 8. But I think split checks and sharing are a bit different. I can't say that I've ever asked for a check to be split if me and someone else is sharing a plate, that's also why while not common here I do see some "shared plate" additional charge. But if I'm sharing something with someone else I'm also not asking for them to pay me a portion of the charge, nor have I ever been asked for my portion of something.

If we're sharing a meal or app it's like an offer is being extended to do so no expectations afterwards. It's not uncommon for someone to order an app and then say "hey if you want some have some" or "this is for the table" and there's not an expectation that you're supposed to divvy up later to account for that. Same with dessert. I agree Venmo and other things are a godsent when it comes to account for situations where one or two people buying something is much easier.

So I'd say in your scenario we would still ask for separate checks for the drinks (unless someone says "it's on me") but if sharing were involved it would be with no expectation of venmo'ing later on because so and so is picking up the app another is picking up the dessert,etc. I do understand that not splitting checks can be done for the ease of the wait staff but haven't run into any issues yet. Most wait staff here ask specifically about how the checks will be divided and most actually pre-assume based on how the table is set up. We offer up a good amount of time how the checks will be split ahead of time as well.

One thing that caught some in our group here in California when requesting separate checks was the restaurant adds an automatic 18% gratuity to split checks. Separate checks are common here, but I don't ever recall being asked if I wanted one, you had to request it.
I am just back from a week in Missouri and Illinois and every restaurant we ate in the server asked if we wanted separate checks, even though most meals there were just three of us. Our two biggest groups, 14 at one, and 7 at the second one of us picked up the entire check.
The thing I did see a lot more of in Missouri and Illinois was one price for cash, and a higher price for credit. I do see that here in California, but most places we ate at in Illinois had the two prices on the bill.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

One thing that caught some in our group here in California when requesting separate checks was the restaurant adds an automatic 18% gratuity to split checks. Separate checks are common here, but I don't ever recall being asked if I wanted one, you had to request it.
I am just back from a week in Missouri and Illinois and every restaurant we ate in the server asked if we wanted separate checks, even though most meals there were just three of us. Our two biggest groups, 14 at one, and 7 at the second one of us picked up the entire check.
The thing I did see a lot more of in Missouri and Illinois was one price for cash, and a higher price for credit. I do see that here in California, but most places we ate at in Illinois had the two prices on the bill. View attachment 853100

I live in KS near the border of MO where I visit MO all the time so yeah it tracks about being asked about separate checks up front by wait staff, that's common here. I can't say I've encountered cash vs credit here though.

 

[mjkacmom]

I live in KS near the border of MO where I visit MO all the time so yeah it tracks about being asked about separate checks up front by wait staff, that's common here. I can't say I've encountered cash vs credit here though.

Even though it is very uncommon to ask for separate checks here, I actually like it, I can order whatever I want and not worry about the cost. With my main group it wouldn’t work since most food ordered is to share, but in other situations I’d love it. We also have a lot of restaurants that now offer a cash discount vs. using a card (I guess it sound nicer than a credit card penalty).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Even though it is very uncommon to ask for separate checks here, I actually like it, I can order whatever I want and not worry about the cost. With my main group it wouldn’t work since most food ordered is to share, but in other situations I’d love it. We also have a lot of restaurants that now offer a cash discount vs. using a card (I guess it sound nicer than a credit card penalty).

I have a feeling I might see more of those cash vs credit in the near enough future just due to a pandemic related change and also if something happens with the credit card rewards issue in legislature because that could raise the credit card fee for merchants which they could pass along to consumers. Since we don't carry much cash on us as a norm I'm guessing we would still just pay the added charge but it would suck. You're right the spin can be more of a positive if said "a discount" as opposed to a a charge or penalty like what has made the news a lot.

 

[mom2rtk]

One thing that caught some in our group here in California when requesting separate checks was the restaurant adds an automatic 18% gratuity to split checks. Separate checks are common here, but I don't ever recall being asked if I wanted one, you had to request it.
I am just back from a week in Missouri and Illinois and every restaurant we ate in the server asked if we wanted separate checks, even though most meals there were just three of us. Our two biggest groups, 14 at one, and 7 at the second one of us picked up the entire check.
The thing I did see a lot more of in Missouri and Illinois was one price for cash, and a higher price for credit. I do see that here in California, but most places we ate at in Illinois had the two prices on the bill. View attachment 853100

I live in Missouri. I have never once seen a separate price for cash at a restaurant.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I live in Missouri. I have never once seen a separate price for cash at a restaurant.

I've never seen it in a restaurant, but I've encountered it other places--the dentist is one that sticks out in my mind.