When your kids disappoint you

[Tiggeroo]

how do you deal with it?
One of my college sons made a mess of his freshman year. He had a hard time but instead of telling me and getting help he lied or kept things to himself. He got help the last half of the second semester.
He feels bad. It's going to hurt him. He's spending his first 4 paychecks on summer classes. But he's on an athletic scholarship and will not be able to participate for xc season which is his most important season. He's a main part of the team. There's so much junk to deal with because of this. Meetings with advisors, meetings with coach and athletic directors. I go to races with another set of parents and I'm going to have to tell them. Every time I see any of his coaches, friends, neighbors, etc from hs they ask about his running. I don't really want to disclose personal stuff but it seems hard to get around.
So I'll get over dealing with my upset/anger over this and then we have to do something else to deal with the problem.
When I spoke to the learning center they feel he has some undiagnosed ld. He'll be getting tested over the summer and will then get alot of help at his school. I'm not an overly hard parent. If he had told me what was going on this would have been done so much sooner.
His coach is very upset and my son hasn't spoken to him yet. He doesn't know what to say to the man. He had trouble dealing with the work but this is also his fault. His coach referred him into tutoring and other programs at the first sign of a problem and my son didn't go. He thought he could fix it on his own.

 

[bananiem]

He got help the last half of the second semester.
He feels bad.

Sounds to me like he learned his lesson. It also sounds like he's disappointed in himself. I don't know very many people that didn't have some type of trouble the first year at school. Either they got homesick, started doing drugs, grades dropped...something. After they got help it was smooth sailing.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I have three kids with three different personalities. Two of them you have to hit over the head to get their attention. This one is more sensitive. He'll take things hard on his own. If I'm too hard on him I"ll risk him falling into a serious funk/depression. So I'm trying to offer him a lifeline of help while still letting him know this isn't ok. He took out the max in loans plus what we paid so it's an expensive lesson too.
He was homesick and depressed alot of the first semester. Now i'm going to worry about him in the fall. He'll train with the team but every week they'll go away to a race that he won't get to go to.

 

[DVCLiz]

Wow, sorry that happened.

At this point, really, I'd just be calm and rational about it. No use making things worse, especially if you've got a sensitive boy to begin with. What I WOULD do is have a calm discussion with him about what he's likely to face. Talk it over with him - "How do you think you'll want to handle watching the team leave without you? What kind of support can we provide or can you get at school that will help with that? Can you think of ways to make this time easier on you that we can help you with?" That kind of thing - it's letting him know you're over the mad part and still willing to be on his side about it. Yes, you're disappointed, but what you're after is to have a boy get back on track (haha, so to speak) in the end, and not to punish him anymore, right???

I'd also help him research some other options for sports participation. If he has an image of himself as an athelete, it might be really hard for him to settle for just practicing a sport he's not playing. Check out the intramural offerings - see if he can spend the time coaching a younger group of students somewhere. Anything to keep him still feeling good about his skills.

Hope you get throught it OK - and I'll probably be back here for advice soon, as DD17 heads off for her freshman year in August!!!

 

[CEDmom]

My DD is young so I haven't dealt with this type of issue as a parent but I can relate from your DS's position. I think the best way for you to deal with it is to let you DS face the consequences of his decision. You can guide him and support him but in the end the best thing you can do is let him clean up his own mess. It sounds like you're doing that with having him pay for summer school. He also needs to face his coach and deal with that. He's let a lot of people down and as a parent it must break your heart to see him go through this but he'll come out a much stronger person. Good luck.

 

[Kitty 34]

Just sent you a PM.

 

[crz4mm2]

I feel your pain
At least he CAN go back. I guess you can just not talk about it, or you can tell the truth when people ask. You can say "do to some choices he made, he will not be participating" and leave it at that. If they press you further just say "I would really rather not discuss it further". It has worked for me.
It is heartbreaking isn't it? sigh. Hugs to you.

Everyone tells me it will get better

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't have any great advice, but I'm so sorry that he's going through this (and you, too, of course).

He's obviously a bright boy and good at running and I know that he can overcome this!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Right now my philosophy is what is done is done...Move forward.

If I had your son I would ask for his grade updates weekly.
Even though it is "checking up" it is also getting him on track. This is something he needs to learn how to do.
Be a gentle guiding hand and then when you see "he gets it", then you can lay off. (Sounds like you are already doing that.)
I would particularly keep a close eye since he cannot go to the games and play.
It is clear he needs guidance from you.

OR...you can share my philosophy I have with my 15yodd. If you are not doing well then expect me in your business.
This includes asking/seeking/getting HELP! This is an important skill to learn in my book.
So we are headed into Sophmore year. Her classes are rough.
We can all keep each other company for a good year.

 

[Val]

I am a college prof and work with LOTS of student athletes. He can, and will recover. I always remind my frosh (second semester after their first disaster) to be sure and ask their other profs about their first year in college- you'd be surprised at the number of now-profs who were on probation!

Get help for next year lined up. Does the college have a study center? Make sure he in contact with them and signs up ahead of time. What about his course load with practice etc.- in all honesty the athletes essentially work a 40+ hour week and travel on top of it- all while going to school. If his sports are mostly a one semester deal, take a lighter load that semester. It may take longer, but he will do better and be happier!

Finally, be patient and kind. Sounds like he has learned the hard way, and has lots of consequences to face. Work with the coaches- and pressure them to find out why your son wasn't monitored a little better. The coaches/athletic staff should have helped him more (although he may not have known to ask for it).

Tell your son good luck. He can and will recover. He will be wiser, stronger, and poorer as a result. All good life lessons (well, okay, in 10 years you will be able to look back and see the lessons).

 

[Tigger&Belle]

OR...you can share my philosophy I have with my 15yodd. If you are not doing well then expect me in your business.
This includes asking/seeking/getting HELP! This is an important skill to learn in my book.
So we are headed into Sophmore year. Her classes are rough.
We can all keep each other company for a good year.

I'm this way with my 15yo son, which doesn't make him happy. For the first time in his life, he got a good report card this last marking period without me looking over his shoulder constantly (5 A's and 2 B's). I'm not naive enough to think this will always be the case, but it give me a little hope that he has what it takes (trust me, I've wondered). He'll be a junior this fall and he doesn't have long to get it together as far as studying, etc before college.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We started this "rule" in 6th grade, 2nd quarter. So far minor bumps, but she has been doing fantastic! Practically straight A's.
I am scared for next year. She signed up for some hard classes. She is prepared to do the work she says.
We do have a Math tutor already.

Right now she has 2 english assignments to turn in the first day of class. Plus they are taking the PSAT in Oct. Of course it is practice for next year, but still it does put some pressure on the kids.

 

[ceiligh1]

I have been where your son is. I was on a sports team in college. My freshman year was a struggle, 3 hours of practice a day, with a 1.5hr additional practice on tues and thurs. mornings and 3 hour sat pratice. It is hard to go to classes and study as well. My first year I was put on academic probation. It was not my best moment.

I know I felt very bad about this and kept it from my parents. Working with my coach I was required to go to a study hall at the athletic center and had tutors and help with notes ect. I finally learned from them how to study, I had never had to before so I didnt know how.

I would look at the class load he is taking as well as the type of classes.
I also reduced my class load as I was taking 15-17 credits and just could not keep up. I reduced it to 12-14 and it worked out much better. Also maybe set him up with someone who can look at how he studies and help him build better habits that work for him as not everyone can study the same way. I turned it around and your son can too.

 

[Poohbear123]

THAT was a big Disappointment. However, flash forward to Last October, when an opportunity came for him to take a job earning 55,000 a year....unfortunately, its over in Afghanistan, and he would have to flly to Houston Tx for 1 week, for evaluations/inteviews and medical stuff.....well....out of 500 folks applying, he was one of 250! He got accepted. He had NEVER been on a Plane in his entire life, and is now flying half way around the world, residing in a Country we are not too friendly with. He has flown to Denmark/Paris France/ and different parts of the US....he STILL doesn't have a Diploma, but I am proud of the decision he has made...rebuilding a Country! I DON'T even have a Passport, and he has many stamps in his to show for it. This too shall pass.............

 

[Wishing on a star]

how do you deal with it?
I don't really want to disclose personal stuff but it seems hard to get around.

So I'll get over dealing with my upset/anger over this and then we have to do something else to deal with the problem.

When I spoke to the learning center they feel he has some undiagnosed ld. He'll be getting tested over the summer and will then get alot of help at his school. I'm not an overly hard parent. If he had told me what was going on this would have been done so much sooner.

My son is still only in elementary school, and yet I know JUST how you feel!!!

My son has a serious LD, and he was held back in first grade, as we were just getting this diagnosed.

I went thru ALL of these feelings!!!! I was upset. I was angry. I was disappointed. etc.... etc... I know that it is not 'right' to take all of it personally and to feel this way. But, honestly, I did.

I knew my son was smart. I knew I had done EVERYTHING I possibly could have. And, when we finally, after many months, did get a good diagnosis, I kicked myself because 'it would/could/should have been done so much sooner'.

It hurt... Yes, it hurt to have to come to the time when, for example, others would ask things like 'What teacher will DS have next year', and then I would tell them Ms. XXXXXXX, who was obviously a First Grade teacher, and they would get that look in their eyes and not know what to say. It hurt to know my DS would see all his friends go on to Second Grade. And he would not be able to participate with them. It does hurt.....

Honestly, you are asking a good question in your post. And, you know what. There are no easy answers. How do you deal with it. You know you shouldn't let it upset you, but it does. etc... etc...

My reply to you is simply to give it time... Your son, with your help, and with academic help, will rise above. As others, like the college professer who posted above, have said. Years from now, this will be just a blip that passed by on the radar screen.

Your son is well aware of his difficulties and shortcomings right now. He is well aware of the failure and disappointment. He is well aware of the demands and expectations on him that he is trying to meet. Honestly, to show your feelings and to make him feel responsible for your disappointment and hurt is just adding a HUGE weight to this burden. He needs you to be strong and proactive at this point.

Give it time! Remind yourself every day of all the wonderful things about your son! Look to the future...

 

[Shagley]

The first year in college is a hard year. Most of the kids had never really lived away from home before and spend the year learning how to make their way in the world without Mom & Dad right there. It is very common for kids to academically "mess up" that freshman year. Just make sure he realizes that you love him and are proud of who he is, even if you are disappointed in how he handled the situation with his schoolwork. I am sure that he is just as (if not more) frustrated and disappointed with himself.

 

[arminnie]

He's got time to remedy this. My freshman year I took no notes, did no homework, stayed out late (it was New Orleans), etc. etc. I had a boyfriend who was a football player, pledged a sorority and made a million friends.

My sophomore year I decided to do the work as assigned, and I made a 4.0. I ended up graduating in 3 years Phi Beta Kappa.

So all is not lost because of a dismal freshman year.

 

[Tiggeroo]

So much great help. Val - He has access to alot of help due to being an athlete. He had required learning center time, and weekly meetings with his advisors. However, he frequently missed his meetings with his advisor due to the fact that she had notes from teachers regarding progress and he was avoiding this. He will be going in next year under academic probation. This means mandatory tutors and time in the learning center. Part of the problem is he is very short on credits. He needs to have 24 at the end of freshman year and an additional 28 soph year to be eligible. He has 14 now and will take an additional 6 this summer. Three of his credits are remedial and won't count toward the total needed for the 2nd year. To me this sounds like he will need to get thru 35 credits next year. His school has a very long winter break. There are three semesters of classess offered in the winter. He can also count classes taken next summer. When I talk to the advisor the whole thing gets very confusing. I am going to have to take a ride to the school and just sit down in person and go over all of this.
Wishing- your example of dumping my disapointment on him is a good one. I believe that is what I was doing. Part of this is guilt. I feel that I should have caught these problems sooner. I wanted him tested in high school and let the advisors talk me out of it, even though I didn't feel good about it. I knew things weren't going as well as they should have but I was trying to give him space and probably should have inquired a bit more assertively. Now I want to strangle him and hug him at the same time. I wish I could make it better and I can't.
To make this worst there is a second twin who had his own issues with the first year of college. And I have a bright dd who is a bio-chem major who is now officially a super-senior. Gotta love that term. And she didn't get her paper-work in on time for any internships so she is working for 6.50 an hour at Macy's this summer.

 

[sharbear]

Tigeroo, so sorry about your S and his problems. I have one going to college in the fall and I have fears just like your own. I'm sure he feels bad enough that you don't have to remind him. I would be supportive while reminding him that he needs to work very hard this year. I'm sure the coach will also be reminding him.

Was your S the #1 runner last year? What place did he usually run? If he is their 1 or 2 runner, he will get a lot of attention from the coach and if he does what they want, it will be a very positive experience.

I think that it's a great idea for you and your S to go to his school to talk to his advisor. Did your S sign an agreeement for you to view his grades and talk to his advisor? Colleges cannot give you the parent any information unless the child gives you written permission.

BTW this is so very common. I think that it is especiallly common for boys.(grown men also!) They think that if they ignore something long enough it will go away. It usually comes back to bit them in the butt!

 

[lillygator]

sorry you feel so disappointed....

my first semster in college....hmmm, I was 17 (turned 18 middle of semester), first time away from home, I cheered and I really botched up my grades.


I didn't talk to my mother about it simply because she wasn't paying for any of my schooling or supporting me in any way.

Your son probably knows how upset you would be and is already disappointed in himself and if he can't participate in sports feels he let his teamates and coach down....

ETA - read your latest post - that's great that he is getting help. That seems a TON of classes/credits needed. With you on his side and supporting him all the way he's sure tto turn it around!