When your Friends split up...

[LovesTimone]

Our friends after being married almost 30 years got divorced... It has been final almost a year now, but they were separated for almost 3 to 4 years before the divorced was final. They had a very tough marriage, issues that most married people don't have to face and a lot of complications along the road that led to this. They have 4 kids that are all adults, their youngest son( now 21) he is basically a genius, but has some very serious problems psychologically.. to the point that at age 11 they could no longer handle him and for the safety of the other children and themselves, he was sent to a ranch in the Midwest that deals with these type of psychological disorders. It was the best decision for him, and he has done very well there, and is happy. They see him several times a year, Skype, and email, text and talk as much as he can handle... The reason their divorce took so long that because of their son's problems they had to figure out how to take care of him, and put everything in place for his continued care. This was not the only factor to the break down, medaling/nosey families, Religious difference's he is catholic and she goes between a non-believer and fanatic beliefs depending on how the wind blows, the list goes on and on.

They both have been dating for a long time and seemed to be moving on with their lives. We have maintained a friendship with both up till now. Our friend and his girlfriend ( been together 3 years) have bought a home together and just got engaged...and plan on marring this spring and asked us if we would stand up for them. We were honored they ask us. Now my friend is freaking out, and she said we need to choose who's side we are on.... I was like "what are you talking about" its been 5 years and you have a boyfriend what's the big deal... she is acting like they just split up. I told her that we are both of their friends and will continue to be both of their friends. She is out of control, trying to turn the kids against their dad, and starting a bunch of drama...

I was thinking about having a heart to heart girl talk with her, and suggesting that maybe she needs to get some counseling... professional counseling... and move on, but maintain a good relationship with her ex for the kids sake.

 

[sonnyjane]

Our friends after being married almost 30 years got divorced... It has been final almost a year now, but they were separated for almost 3 to 4 years before the divorced was final. They had a very tough marriage, issues that most married people don't have to face and a lot of complications along the road that led to this. They have 4 kids that are all adults, their youngest son( now 21) he is basically a genius, but has some very serious problems psychologically.. to the point that at age 11 they could no longer handle him and for the safety of the other children and themselves, he was sent to a ranch in the Midwest that deals with these type of psychological disorders. It was the best decision for him, and he has done very well there, and is happy. They see him several times a year, Skype, and email, text and talk as much as he can handle... The reason their divorce took so long that because of their son's problems they had to figure out how to take care of him, and put everything in place for his continued care. This was not the only factor to the break down, medaling/nosey families, Religious difference's he is catholic and she goes between a non-believer and fanatic beliefs depending on how the wind blows, the list goes on and on.

They both have been dating for a long time and seemed to be moving on with their lives. We have maintained a friendship with both up till now. Our friend and his girlfriend ( been together 3 years) have bought a home together and just got engaged...and plan on marring this spring and asked us if we would stand up for them. We were honored they ask us. Now my friend is freaking out, and she said we need to choose who's side we are on.... I was like "what are you talking about" its been 5 years and you have a boyfriend what's the big deal... she is acting like they just split up. I told her that we are both of their friends and will continue to be both of their friends. She is out of control, trying to turn the kids against their dad, and starting a bunch of drama...

I was thinking about having a heart to heart girl talk with her, and suggesting that maybe she needs to get some counseling... professional counseling... and move on, but maintain a good relationship with her ex for the kids sake.

Simply put, you don't have to choose and your friend is wrong for telling you that. If she truly believes that, SHE is the one that will be choosing to end the friendship. You can try to have a talk with her, but don't be surprised if it goes horribly.

 

[smiths02]

I agree with you that she needs counseling.
The first thing you said about your friend either not believing or being fanatical and then overreacting and making you take sides makes me think she might have a mental disorder as well (coupled with the fact that her son has a severe one).

I agree with sonnyjane...unless he abused her or something, then I don't think you choose a side.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't think I'd tell her she needs counseling, they were married for 30 years and even though they have been separated for years, she is probably going to be emotional when he remarries. I'd give her some time to get over it, and if she can't seem too then suggest she should "talk" to someone professionally.
I'm guessing right now its just hard for her to imagine someone she spent 30 years with having another wife. She will probably come around and may even apologize to you for giving you an ultimatum. However, if she is willing to end your friendship because you won't choose, then that is her choice and there really isn't much you can do about it.

 

[smiths02]

I don't think I'd tell her she needs counseling, they were married for 30 years and even though they have been separated for years, she is probably going to be emotional when he remarries. I'd give her some time to get over it, and if she can't seem too then suggest she should "talk" to someone professionally.
I'm guessing right now its just hard for her to imagine someone she spent 30 years with having another wife. She will probably come around and may even apologize to you for giving you an ultimatum. However, if she is willing to end your friendship because you won't choose, then that is her choice and there really isn't much you can do about it.

I agree that I wouldn't suggest counseling. I just also agree that she probably needs it.

I would tell her that you would like to be friends with both of them, you understand that it is a hard adjustment for her, but you are going to his wedding. Then let her make her decision.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I don't think it's all that unusual for one half of a breakup to freak out when the other half truly moves on. And often, at least in my experience, it's the one who initiated the split that goes into freak out mode. I think it could be a control issue. But, if I've been friends with you both for 30 years, don't ask me to pick sides.

Oddly enough, we just had the same happen with friends of ours - we were supposed to all go away together for a weekend, and she called to cancel. In our case, she's been a friend for decades, and he's new. So, that was easier for us, but I'm still friendly if I bump into him.

 

[Poohlove]

I would definitely leave the counseling part out of the equation but I do think that a heart to heart with your friend is warranted. She may have some unresolved feelings for her ex that are coming to the surface and she might be just as angry about that as she is that her ex husband is getting re-married. Even though they have both been dating and this isn't exactly a new situation for both it sounds like it might be the first major "event" since the divorce and I am sure that it has to be hard to adjust to. I would probably sit her down and ask her why she is feeling the way that she is, what about her ex getting married is causing so much animosity and why is she willing to throw away a friendship over it? Just listen to what she has to say before you react, even if her answers are out in left field don't tell her that - it will just make it worse.

On the other hand, and maybe I am reading too much into it, the words that you chose to describe her (not negative in any way) it kind of sounds like she may flip back and forth on more than religion and that maybe this isn't as out of the blue as you might be seeing. Have there been signs that people may have missed along the way that she isn't doing as ok as everyone might think with the whole divorce thing?

 

[nkereina]

If someone told me I need counseling, I would take offense to it. I'm sure counseling of some sort has occurred to her, but for whatever reason, she's not sought it out. I don't think it's your place to suggest it.

I agree with PPs that the best you can do is be understanding to her situation but stand your ground. If she wants to start a war with you, at least you know she's the irrational one. And time heals all wounds anyway - eventually this impending wedding will be old news, and hopefully she will be moving on by then.

 

[MrsDuck]

I agree that I wouldn't suggest counseling. I just also agree that she probably needs it.

I would tell her that you would like to be friends with both of them, you understand that it is a hard adjustment for her, but you are going to his wedding. Then let her make her decision.

This is wise advice.

 

[Marchand63]

I am also of the mind - heart to heart. Do not suggest counseling, it can set people off & she seems like that type. As far as choosing, any friend that wants you to choose between them or other friends isn't really much of a friend.

I feel bad for her SO. I know if my GF reacted that badly to their X getting married I would think they still had pretty strong feelings & attachment. I'd be gone.

 

[LovesTimone]

OP here...

Thanks for all the really good advice... I can always count on the DIS for leveled headed thinking and suggestions.. I decided to call her in a week or so and see how things are going but after all the comments on counseling, I am not going to approach that subject with her...

After taking a step back and looking at the total picture... She has a lot of change happening, Oldest son and wife announced they are having a baby, oldest daughter just got married and is moving across the state in a few months, youngest daughter just got engaged and is moving to NYC when she graduates in the spring...Now her ex is getting remarried. So a lot of change happening for her.

 

[LovesTimone]

I don't think it's all that unusual for one half of a breakup to freak out when the other half truly moves on. And often, at least in my experience, it's the one who initiated the split that goes into freak out mode. I think it could be a control issue. But, if I've been friends with you both for 30 years, don't ask me to pick sides.

Oddly enough, we just had the same happen with friends of ours - we were supposed to all go away together for a weekend, and she called to cancel. In our case, she's been a friend for decades, and he's new. So, that was easier for us, but I'm still friendly if I bump into him.

How did you know....Your right... she was the one who initiated the separation and did the filing for divorce and told him during a marriage counseling session that she had filed...She was back and forth ...yes, no,...no I want out... Yes I want to work it out.... That instance was finally that was the last straw for him.