When you don't get a gift in return

[tzolkin]

I also don't think age has anything to do with thanking someone, if you are given a gift, no matter what it is, you say "thank you".

ITA. My only issue in my family now is my brother and SIL. I really don't want to give them anything, but feel that I'm obligated to. The problem is I do want to buy gifts for my other family members and feel that their gifts must be equal. Normally, I would have no issue with giving without it being reciprocated (I actually don't like receiving gifts), but it's just their attitude that makes me resent giving to them. They just have this sense that other people are supposed to give them things, yet they give no thought to giving to others or even acting like they appreciate what's given to them.

For example, SIL attended both my and my sister's baby showers and did not give either of us a gift. Fine, but when she was pregnant they did not purchase anything for their baby because they expected that everything would be provided to them at their baby shower. Also, they expected a certain money amount from everyone who attended their wedding, but when we went to a cousin's wedding SIL actually had the audacity to ask my mother if they were "supposed" to give a gift...

SIL also tends to turn up her nose at anything you give her and is very difficult to buy for anyway. Now that they have a child this is even causing problems with giving to the niece. Last year my sister gave the baby a certain toy that she gave every other niece/nephew for their first Christmas, so this was a special/meaningful gift. Instead of just saying "Thanks", SIL ruined my sister's joy by telling her she needed to return it and get her something else because "Santa" was already bringing that toy. WTH? The baby was only 4mos and my sister was not going to be at their house Christmas morning, so why not just act grateful and return the one you bought.

My brother and SIL just sold their house and are planning to move across the country. I will send gifts to my niece as long as I feel they are appreciated by the child, but I have no intention of sending gifts for the adults. I guess I just give to them at Christmas, so I don't feel awkward giving everyone else gifts while they're sitting there. But honestly, they don't feel awkward "forgetting" to bring gifts to all the nieces' and nephew's birthday parties so I don't really know why I should feel bad. ugh.



This has mostly just turned into a vent, but related to the OP I would say something to the parents about not being acknowledged and try to find out whether the kids actually apprecitate the gifts or not. Then I would consider not giving to them any more.

 

[MrsPete]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

This makes me think that perhaps they'd like to change the family's gift-giving habits. Perhaps they'd like to NOT exchange gifts with the extended family at all, but they don't know how to bring it up.

It's a little close to Christmas now to start doing this, but I'd suggest that NEXT YEAR you ask around the end of October, "The kids are getting older now. What are our family expectations for kids' gifts?" Come to agreement, then abide by it.

I don't think dropping the dollar value of the gift is the answer. You're irritated at lack of a gift at all. You won't be less aggravated with giving a small gift that isn't reciprocated.

 

[JoiseyMom]

ITA. My only issue in my family now is my brother and SIL. I really don't want to give them anything, but feel that I'm obligated to. The problem is I do want to buy gifts for my other family members and feel that their gifts must be equal. Normally, I would have no issue with giving without it being reciprocated (I actually don't like receiving gifts), but it's just their attitude that makes me resent giving to them. They just have this sense that other people are supposed to give them things, yet they give no thought to giving to others or even acting like they appreciate what's given to them.

For example, SIL attended both my and my sister's baby showers and did not give either of us a gift. Fine, but when she was pregnant they did not purchase anything for their baby because they expected that everything would be provided to them at their baby shower. Also, they expected a certain money amount from everyone who attended their wedding, but when we went to a cousin's wedding SIL actually had the audacity to ask my mother if they were "supposed" to give a gift...

SIL also tends to turn up her nose at anything you give her and is very difficult to buy for anyway. Now that they have a child this is even causing problems with giving to the niece. Last year my sister gave the baby a certain toy that she gave every other niece/nephew for their first Christmas, so this was a special/meaningful gift. Instead of just saying "Thanks", SIL ruined my sister's joy by telling her she needed to return it and get her something else because "Santa" was already bringing that toy. WTH? The baby was only 4mos and my sister was not going to be at their house Christmas morning, so why not just act grateful and return the one you bought.

My brother and SIL just sold their house and are planning to move across the country. I will send gifts to my niece as long as I feel they are appreciated by the child, but I have no intention of sending gifts for the adults. I guess I just give to them at Christmas, so I don't feel awkward giving everyone else gifts while they're sitting there. But honestly, they don't feel awkward "forgetting" to bring gifts to all the nieces' and nephew's birthday parties so I don't really know why I should feel bad. ugh.



This has mostly just turned into a vent, but related to the OP I would say something to the parents about not being acknowledged and try to find out whether the kids actually apprecitate the gifts or not. Then I would consider not giving to them any more.

Vent away. If I was you I would just stop gifting. I have had issues with my sil and gifts for years. My eldest first Chanukah (she and my DB were his g-d parents), they brought some inappropriate dollar store toys. He was 1 month old, none of what they bought could I give him. The year my brother bought both my DS's gifts I remember..he got them bikes (they were 5 &6). That was the best year ever..the kids were so appreciative and so was I. When my DS's moved out they left behind brand new shirts with Tags from JCP that my sil had bought them, even though she asked what to get them and I gave suggestions she never took them!

And when she and my DB had kids (they struggled for years) I went to the Disney Store and spent a fortune (well for a me a single mom) on the cutest outfit with Mini Mouse. My DB gives it back to me, saying wifey didn't like the colors. . Man I was so upset. I had never so much as dissed any of the carp she had given my kids (or me) over the years...just smiled and said thank you.

This year I got my DN's (17 & 14) really nice jewerly. DD14 got an inappropriate music CD. DS9 got a shirt (the same gift she got a neighbors son who was there). DS opened it and said to me quietly, is there another Paul here? He had never gotten clothing from her before. I just said, nope it is yours, just say thank you. WHich he did. ANd when asked later if he liked it, he lied and said yes.

I decided to do something I had never done before. Then next day when I picked up DD (she slept over), I very nicely asked SIL (I didn't go through my DB like she does), if she had a gift receipt, that the shirt isn't Paul's style (it wasn't his color and it had embroidery on it that bothers him). She said, ok, just bring it back and exchange it. I said thanks..but he doesn't wear things from that store. So she said to just drop it off and she would return it. Lucky me, I had it in the car.

Now I know she won't give him anything else...but I have had enough. We avoided their holiday parties for years, by having other things to do. Then we were home. I think we are going to be busy again.

Oh, and they always for my DS's birthday every year... No more gift exhanges for us...I am done. Oh, DB didn't see anything wrong with the CD that was bought for my DD . He was like, she knows bad words doesn't she. Sigh...

 

[amy-momofthree]

I just want to say that I have really enjoyed this thread. I could get into all my families gift giving woes but that would take days

So glad to know my family isn't the only dysfunctional gift giving/ receiving family out there

 

[pacrosby]

Reading all these posts illustrates how meaningless gift-giving has become. Why are people giving gifts to people they barely even know? Because they are family and you all feel like you have to? Talk about a sad state of affairs. The holiday isn't about doing your duty, it's about giving generously to people who you love and appreciate and who give meaning to your life. And if you love and appreciate people than you KNOW they have received and appreciate your gifts because you see them/talk to them fairly often. You shouldn't have to rely on that formal awkward phone call or insincere thank you card. Honestly, it sounds like there is much too much obligatory 'goft-giving' going on here. Followed by a lot of score-keeping.

Call me crazy but if my brother lived across the country and I only talked to him once a year then we don't have a relationship and I don't want to pretend we do by exchanging obligatory gifts at Christmas/birthdays. Wose yet, if he lived the next town over and I only talked to him when we ran into each other at Home Depot.....we definately don't have a relationship! Nope. No gifts wanted nor needed. What would be the point, really?

It's funny how people confuse "family" with "blood-relative"

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I love giving gifts. To me giving gifts is so much fun. I never expect a gift in return nor do I keep track of what someone spent on my DS vs. what I spent on another child. I make a list of those I want to give gifts to. I set a budget and I have a ball shopping for things that I think they will enjoy.

The key is if you don't want to give a gift, if giving a gift feels like an obligation or if you are keeping score --- you really shouldn't do it. It misses the whole spirit of giving.

OP - talk to your relative directly, in the long run it will save you stress.

 

[VAN]

My two cents to the OP ...

Agree it if perfectly acceptable to stop sending gifts. In our family we give gifts to our Godchildren only and then only until they turn 18.

I don't know where it is written that we have to give gifts to everyone we are related to. Obviously the children's parents don't feel the need to gift to your children, so I'd have not problem in discontinuing the gift giving. If anything is ever said to you about it, I'd just say ... well, you know in this economy we all have to cut back ... I hope, though, Santa was good to them!!

 

[Juliet25]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

Yesterday I received a check in a Christmas card for my two oldest girls, 7 and 2, from my DH's great aunt. It is money for their college fund. While I know the girls wouldn't be excited about getting money that they wouldn't see for 10+ years, I sure did. In this case -- like your nephew's -- it is the parents' responsibility to express gratitude. And, yes, I do think acknowledging a gift is a necessary part of the gift giving/receiving tradition.

Not getting a gift in return would not make me boot someone off the list. A lack of appreciation would.

 

[lovealatte]

I totally think it's fine to stop giving them gifts. Not receiving a gift from them isn't such a huge issue. But not even acknowledging the gift or a simple thank you? no. get some manners. I think that is petty.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

A simple acknowledgement is all I'd like to receive. Wether it be at that time, phone call, email, text etc. A thank you card isn't necessary.

 

[Smiling Cheshire Cat]

My DS, who is 13, would be totally thrilled with that present. He has asked for stocks for Christmas.

OP, it is rude that your nephews and niece have not acknowledged your generous gifts and that their parents have not reciprocated with a gift for your child.

Financially things are tougher for most of us in my family this year. I personally have tried to cut back and have let other family members know ahead of time. We have always only bought for the kids in DH's family, but other than my children who are 13 and 5, the next youngest "child" is 26 with more "children" from 26 to 35. None of these adults are married so they are still considered kids by the grandparents and older aunts and uncles. This is the first year are not buying gifts for them. I'm sure we will be the only ones of the family doing this but I really think it is time.

We would like to have a gift free Christmas sometime soon where we just make charitable donations in someone else's name as their gift. I become so focused on the gift exchanging that I forget the true meaning of Christmas and the joy of just being with my loved ones.

Thanks for the opportunity to share our situations.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

My DN is now 14. He doesn't normally acknowledge the gifts or say thanks, sometimes but not always. My Dsis sends me his wish list every year and every year i go This year there was not one thing under $125. She called a few days later and asked what i was getting from the list because she didn't want to duplicate. I said sorry but nothing, it is all way out of my budget was there anything less expensive he was looking for? She said a video game but it is a brand new one and $60.

Now Dsis usually will make a very nice outfit for DD and her doll(s) for her bday. But for whatever reason she very rarely sends DS a bday present. His bday is in Nov. One year we were at her house for Tday and there was a gift, he was all excited thinking it was for him (he was 6). She said oh no that is for dad. He cried later to me and asked what he did wrong because we always get cousin a present. In fact we had DN's bday gift with us. Dsis just acted as if nothing was amiss. Dsis, DS and my Dad all have Nov bdays. So everyone was opening except for the little 6 year old. I felt so bad for him. He tried to put on a happy face but he just didn't get it.

For Christmas she usually sends him used toys DN has outgrown. Not a problem yet as DS is just happy to get something and thinks it cool it was from the big cousin.

However, I'm kind of tired of being asked to spend big bucks and then my son gets dissed. So this year I got a $30 gamestop gift card. I called my sis and asked if she got it, she sounded pretty annoyed and said yea and she was going to put it in an envelop for me. Not sure why because it was a decorative card in its own gamestop sleeve. whatever! no thank you just irritated response. I guess it wasn't enough.

I will still continue to give him gifts. He has a small family and I do love him. Someday I hope he will realize I did what I could and will see I was always thinking of him.

OP, I would reduce the amounts you are spending to where you are comfortable with what you are doing without a response. You should not feel obligated to give anyone a gift.

So sad! I have a little boy about your son's age and my heart ached for him as I was reading your post. And I don't even know him. If everything in your post is exactly as it happened then why, why, why would you even think about sending another present? Save your money and buy your OWN son a brand new gift and let your sister keep her hand me downs for her own children. I never did understand people who let their kindness be abused.

 

[robinb]

The oldest two boys are 10 and 12. The youngest girl is 5. The 10 and 12 year-olds have e-mail, facebook, the 12 year old has a cell phone.

We are not together when they open their gifts. Well, not usually. One year we were, but the kids were younger. The oldest was 9. We got them same games and books. When the 9 year old opened the book he said "We don't like gifts like this." The parents (the dad was sitting right there) said nothing. If that were my child...man oh man.

It's not about receiving something in return other than acknowledgment that they even received the gift. I could be sending these gift cards and they don't even get them so I'm just throwing my money away. I fell weird asking "Did you get my gift?" Maybe I could ask "What stock did you choose to buy?"

Giving gifts only gives me joy if I know the person enjoyed the gift I give. Maybe I should continue giving because I know someday they will enjoy this gift. Maybe they'll thank me in the future (when their stock is worth more than $50).

Well, they do sound pretty ungrateful. However ... I was just trying to imagine how excited my 11-year old would be getting a $50 gift of an ING account. Make that "not excited at all". It sounds like the modern equivalent to a Savings Bond ... they were always yawners when I was that age. While I understand that you are at a loss of what to get snarky kids who have everything but the ING account is probably not tripping their trigger. Now that is NO excuse for not thanking you, but that could be a contributing factor to the sound of crickets you are getting for your time and effort.

 

[winesis]

My DN is now 14. He doesn't normally acknowledge the gifts or say thanks, sometimes but not always. My Dsis sends me his wish list every year and every year i go This year there was not one thing under $125. She called a few days later and asked what i was getting from the list because she didn't want to duplicate. I said sorry but nothing, it is all way out of my budget was there anything less expensive he was looking for? She said a video game but it is a brand new one and $60.

Now Dsis usually will make a very nice outfit for DD and her doll(s) for her bday. But for whatever reason she very rarely sends DS a bday present. His bday is in Nov. One year we were at her house for Tday and there was a gift, he was all excited thinking it was for him (he was 6). She said oh no that is for dad. He cried later to me and asked what he did wrong because we always get cousin a present. In fact we had DN's bday gift with us. Dsis just acted as if nothing was amiss. Dsis, DS and my Dad all have Nov bdays. So everyone was opening except for the little 6 year old. I felt so bad for him. He tried to put on a happy face but he just didn't get it.

For Christmas she usually sends him used toys DN has outgrown. Not a problem yet as DS is just happy to get something and thinks it cool it was from the big cousin.

However, I'm kind of tired of being asked to spend big bucks and then my son gets dissed. So this year I got a $30 gamestop gift card. I called my sis and asked if she got it, she sounded pretty annoyed and said yea and she was going to put it in an envelop for me. Not sure why because it was a decorative card in its own gamestop sleeve. whatever! no thank you just irritated response. I guess it wasn't enough.

I will still continue to give him gifts. He has a small family and I do love him. Someday I hope he will realize I did what I could and will see I was always thinking of him.

OP, I would reduce the amounts you are spending to where you are comfortable with what you are doing without a response. You should not feel obligated to give anyone a gift.

With this history I would have responded with: I am not sure, what are you planning to get NEW off of my kid's wish lists? If she is planning on sending hand me downs, you could reciprocate with a gift from Goodwill.

 

[GJM]

I got a TRU wish list sent to me by family - there wasn't 1 thing on that under $80. I went to the store and got a gift card!

 

[Katy Belle]

Similar situation here and im sick of it. My kids are 15,13,10. DSIL kids are 9, 5. Before her kids were born we bought expensive gifts for her and her DH, so it would be even. But they rarely bought anything for our kids. Occasionally McDonald gift certificates or a towel. Since her kids were born i bought them nice gifts, Discovery Toys, etc. She still got our kids minimal stuff. Last year she got DS9 a punching ball/balloon and a movie gift certificate for $25 to her local movie theatre for the rest of us. She handed it to DH, so the other boys had nothing to open. Oh, and the movie gift certificate expired in April, in her town, we were living overseas and only in town for a couple of days! We did not have time to go to the movies and wouldnt be back in time to use it. I spent about $150 on them, and tried hard to get things they would enjoy. Her daughter got horses and a stable, her son a remote control car and DS game.

Sick of it. This year i did a family gift for them, all in one box. Still a nice gift, 6 DVDs, popcorn, candy, a puzzle. Cost about $50. Im done with going all out while watching my kids see hers open great gifts and they open nothing.

 

[EKW]

I've been struggling with this for years. I only have one sibling. We're both single moms with 2 kids. Our incomes are similar.

I have never missed her kids' birthdays or Christmases. I buy for her every year, too.

Our mom died when we were young. Her father gave custody of her to friends. I lived with an elderly aunt. As a result, she has 5 other "siblings" and "parents" plus her ex's siblings and parents who buy for her and her kids. My kids have nobody.

I've gone so far as to tell her directly that it hurts me that she won't even send a card...just a card would let my kids know she's thinking of them. Her response was that she doesn't buy her own kids birthday presents, why would she buy for mine?

I feel sorry for her kids for not getting anything from her...so I keep buying for them. They never acknowledge them. I know, tho, that when it comes to Christmas they each get presents from a couple dozen people. And, the reality is, her kids are 15 and 18 now...they could break out a dollar and send a card if they cared, but they don't.

This is a sore spot for me...don't ask me why I still send gifts, but I do. I'll be interested to see the other responses here. Maybe it's time for me to stop.

I guess my sister has the attitude of some of the posters here...that she gets to pick and choose who she considers to be "family". That works out for her and her kids. For my kids what this means is that if we go to her holiday celebrations, everyone else has gifts to open while my boys watch. I was touched last year when another gal bought for my boys...I have never talked to anyone about this, but I guess it touched her heart when she realized what was happening.

 

[Tanbellisima]

Dear EKW,

My BFF had the same situation, but tenderhearted people like you and her always hate to stop giving love, but I think it's time for you to invest your money more wisely. Time to give all of your time, money and attention to those who really deserve it; you and your sweet children.

Don't feel bad, don't try and explain it to her. Just savor the look on your child's face when you're finally able to give them a gift "just because". Enjoy the day that you can just slip some extra allowance money to your child, or let them bring a friend along to the movies.

Free yourself, and make your own love come full circle.

Merry Christmas

 

[talulabelle]

Last year we deposited $50 into each of 3 stock accounts for our niece and 2 nephews ($150 total). We didn't get a gift from them for our DS. Whatever, we thought maybe they just forgot.

This year the same thing. We got them giftcards to "buy a stock" from ING. The older boys enjoy this as they get to see their money grow (or not) - at least that's what we've been told. The young girl doesn't care, I'm sure, but someday hopefully she'll enjoy her gift. These children have everything. Their parents are well-off. That is why we choose to give them the gift of stock rather than just another toy.

I know this is probably mean, but they don't even acknowledge they got the gift, so I'm thinking, unless DS gets a gift from them or we get a thank-you card, next year they're off my gift-giving list. Maybe DS can pick them out a book or something, but the budget will be $50 for all three instead of $50 each.

What does it take for someone to not make your list?

One year of that would have been enough to be off my list. And there wouldn't be any books next year either. If anything was said , I would say "I assumed you weren't comfortable with exchanging gifts between the cousins as you didn't give DS anything last year and didn't acknowlege our gift to your kids. I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. " Boom, done.

 

[C.Ann]

I have no expectations at all when I give someone a gift - none.. Would a "thank you" be nice? Yes.. But I would not stop giving gifts to the people I love because they failed to say thank you - or didn't give a gift in return.. That is a totally foreign concept to me..