?? When the parents of the Groom can't afford the...

[slo]

I would think the son should know what his parents can and can't afford. If he expects his parents to pay for something they can't afford, that is very selfish of the son to do that.

My parents and my in-laws paid for everything 50/50, and both sets of parents have average middle class incomes. My DH and I both knew that, so we did not do anything over the top for our wedding. Our rehearsal dinner was at a local pizza place, and we had no alcohol. We had no desire to make our parents go bankrupt while paying for our wedding.

Your friend really needs to talk to her son, and let him know how much they can afford.

 

[madcam]

A good friend of mine got married a few months before I did. We were in each other's weddings. Her in-laws paid for their rehearsal dinner at a very upscale steak house with an open bar. Only thing was, other than the imediate family, only the bridal party and their SPOUSES were invited. Meaning my DH (who was my fiance at the time) and the maid-of-honor's boyfriend of four years and one of the groomsmen's fiance were not invited. I thought that was pretty petty. As we had to travel to attend the wedding, my fiance sat in a hotel room that night. And as for the open bar, we were told we were allowed each 2 alcoholic beverages, they had to be "house" brand and then we were expected to pay for anything other than that. I found that to be verry off-putting since they actually said that to us. As I had no designated driver since I had no date.....I had water.

My DH paid for our rehearsal dinner as it was his second marriage and his parents are on a fixed income. We had a fijita buffet at a local mexican restaurant's party room and paid for a margarita machine. When it ran out....it ran out. It was pretty reasonable in cost. Everyone that was involved in the wedding was able to come, with their date of choice, and all family members and those who traveled to attend the wedding were invited. We even had the minister and photographer and their wives there as they were family friends. People who wanted to stay after dinner was over went with us to the restaurant's bar to hang out. We had a blast and no one was left out.

 

[aprilgail2]

If he is in his 30's then WHY would he even expect his mom to pay ANYTHING. Sorry but the days of parents paying for weddings is LONG past in my book.

I agree- I don't care if they are 21 or 30, if they can't pay for their own wedding they really have no business having a big wedding. Let them save their money and then get married or elope! Weddings here are insane, way to much money is spent on them and every event leading up to them!

That sounds like an engagement party, not a rehearsal dinner. I always thought the rehearsal dinner was only for the wedding party and parents, no dates. Every wedding I have been in has been this way. I can't believe how out of control weddings are these days.

Not only are dates invited along with parents here, any out of town guests that have come in for the wedding typically get invited too!

 

[Barb D]

My in-laws had a dinner at home (cooked by MIL) for our rehearsal dinner.

My niece got married last year, and not even all her (9) siblings were invited to the rehearsal dinner, let alone the out of town relatives. We were on our own that night. The groom's family had a budget and they stuck to it.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with telling her son what her budget is. (He's in his 30's)
I think she's overwhelmed with the whole thing, being modest in her income.
She has only been married to her DH for 5 years and the Father of son is pretty much not involved.

If he is in his 30's then WHY would he even expect his mom to pay ANYTHING. Sorry but the days of parents paying for weddings is LONG past in my book.

I agree. I think it's fine for the parents of the groom to host the rehearsal dinner, but when the groom is in his 30's, I think that's stretching it a bit. I'm amazed that he even mentioned that they should be responsible for it.

In our area, generally the rehearsal dinner includes at least the bridal party, their dates, the parents, and the grandparents. Usually, it includes any out of town guests as well.

If the mother wants to help out, I agree with the others who say to give a financial gift to go towards the rehearsal dinner, but I don't think she should put herself in a bad situation. A man in his 30's should be taking care of himself.

 

[minniecarousel]

HA! We're cheap!

For our wedding 33 years ago, everybody came back to my parent's house for pizza!

DS#1 - We reserved the upstairs bar at a great BBQ place.

DS#2 = We reserved the upstairs bar at their favorite college hang-out (they went back to their college town to get married).

 

[manning]

HA! We're cheap!

For our wedding 33 years ago, everybody came back to my parent's house for pizza!

Same thing with us and everyone had a good time. My buddy did the same thing. We didn't have the money and everyone understood.

 

[kaytieeldr]

A number of years ago, but:
When my cousin got married in a state around the middle of the country, with guests from not just all around the country but two other continents, the rehearsal dinner was limited to the couple, the bridal party and spouses, and immediate family including aunts and uncles.
When my brother got married, one state away - where the bride's family lived - the rehearsal dinner was for the couple, the bridal party and spouses, immediate family... and everyone at the motel the groom's side took over

In both cases, the respective grooms' families paid; but in the first case, the groom's family actually paid for most of the wedding.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

I haven't seen this brought up, so I'll mention it: Your friend's son is marrying a family that has much more money than she does. It's important that she set the right tone now, with the wedding, because she could be in for a long haul of trying to keep up with people who clearly have more resources than she does. It starts with the wedding,a nd then it's "Susie's family is taking us on a cruise" or "The OTHER grandparents are setting up a trust fund", etc. So, it's really important that your friend be honest about how much money she has available, and that it doesn't equate to being any less happy, proud, or loving towards the couple.

Since the wedding is far away, the friend should have a frank talk with her son about how much she wants to contribute. She could possibly pass on some of the nice suggestions you've gotten here, as ways they could do the rehearsal dinner. I particularly like the idea of limiting alcohol since the wedding is the next day.

FTR, I was the person who came to the marriage with the "poor" parents. It acutally was more an issue for me than for DH and his family (although MIL thought I was "beneath her station"). My parents couldn't compete and didn't try. I know it bugged my mom sometimes, but we never felt that they loved us less because they had less.

 

[Ohiodislover]

My niece just got married. The groom's mother gave him the money that she was willing to spend. They planned the rehearsal dinner. This was easier since his mom was out of state. It was understood from the git-go that that was all she was spending. If they chose something w/ more $$--the cost was on them. If they spent less, they could keep the difference. It worked out fine.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The couple is getting married. It is their responsibilty to pay for everything. If people want to do pay for things for them then that is their choice. Not the decision of the bride and groom. They should be thankful if anyone pays for anything. If the MOG wants to throw a rehearsal dinner she should throw what she can afford. If they don't like it they can pay for it themselves. JMHO.

 

[mjkacmom]

That sounds like an engagement party, not a rehearsal dinner. I always thought the rehearsal dinner was only for the wedding party and parents, no dates. Every wedding I have been in has been this way. I can't believe how out of control weddings are these days.

I got married 14 years ago, and my engagement party was at my parent's home. The rehearsal dinner was at a restaurant, open bar, for the wedding party, their dates, out of town guests, and close family. My IL's paid for it, plus the flowers for the bridesmaids, ceremony, and reception.

I've never seen it done any other way. I think the OP should either contribute what she can afford, or plan it the way she wants (I didn't have a say in our rehearsal dinnner).

 

[Liberty Belle]

That sounds like an engagement party, not a rehearsal dinner. I always thought the rehearsal dinner was only for the wedding party and parents, no dates. Every wedding I have been in has been this way. I can't believe how out of control weddings are these days.

Our attendants did not bring dates to our rehearsal dinner (held at my husband's aunt's home - beautiful and historic home). We all went right from the church to her house. It would have seemed weird to have guests waiting and watching at the church, meeting us at the house, or taking time to pick them up on the way to dinner.

Btw- I didn't have a say in our rehearsal dinner, either. I was told that was what we'd be doing and I was very happy with it.

 

[crz4mm2]

When DS got married almost 2 years ago, we held the dinner at DDIL's Grandmother's home (of course that would not work if you don't live near the wedding venue). I asked what they would like to eat and that is what we did. Fried Chicken, potatoe salad, beans, chips, dips etc. DDIL's Aunt and Uncle were kind enough to do the cooking while we were at rehearsal.

It was wonderful.

And EVERYONE was invited. All the wedding party and families and all the out of town guests and both sides aunts uncles and grandparents , oh and siblings too.

 

[claudia]

I agree with telling her son what her budget is. (He's in his 30's)
I think she's overwhelmed with the whole thing, being modest in her income.
She has only been married to her DH for 5 years and the Father of son is pretty much not involved.

If the son is in his 30's, I think he needs to understand that this is a burden for his mother and step up to the plate and pick up the tab on this one. Especially so since the father is AWOL.

 

[horseshowmom]

If the son is in his 30's, I think he needs to understand that this is a burden for his mother and step up to the plate and pick up the tab on this one. Especially so since the father is AWOL.

Claudia, this is off-topic, but I had to tell you that everytime I see your squirrel picture, it makes me smile. We have a 9 year old squirrel (raised on a bottle after losing her mother), and she would probably LOVE a nice backrub like that since she's a senior citizen!

Back to your regularly scheduled thread!

 

[DVC Sadie]

If the son is in his 30's, I think he needs to understand that this is a burden for his mother and step up to the plate and pick up the tab on this one. Especially so since the father is AWOL.

I agree.

I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that the son, who is a grown man expects his mother to pay, even though he knows she does not have the means. The mother needs to speak to her son and tell him what she will or will not be able to contribute, if anything.

 

[luvsJack]

In defense of the OP's friend, it is easy to say that the son should pay for all this himself; but when put in the situation where the bride's family is paying for this big wedding and knowing this is the kind of thing the bride has grown up with; it is very hard to demand he pay himself or say you cannot afford something. Maybe it shouldn't be and maybe one should not worry so much about "saving face" but it is still hard. I just went through this, so I know how she feels.

But, with all that said, I would suggest a meeting between groom's parents, groom and bride is in order to plan this rehearsal dinner (even if the meeting is over the phone). Maybe saying "$X is what we have budgeted for this dinner, so lets figure out how we can have what you want within this amount of money" is in order. Personally, I think rehearsal dinners have gotten a bit out there anyway. It is supposed to be for the wedding party and spouses only--including both sets of parents and grandparents and the wedding official and spouse. Not friends, other family, dates, etc. It is supposed to be an intimate time for the wedding couple to spend with their family and closest friends.

 

[agnes!]

I agree with telling her son what her budget is. (He's in his 30's)
I think she's overwhelmed with the whole thing, being modest in her income.
She has only been married to her DH for 5 years and the Father of son is pretty much not involved.

If he is in his 30's then WHY would he even expect his mom to pay ANYTHING. Sorry but the days of parents paying for weddings is LONG past in my book.

I agree with whoever asked why the parents are expected to pay if he's 30?? I would think if my kids hadn't married by then, they can afford to pay for it themselves.

I would think the son should know what his parents can and can't afford. If he expects his parents to pay for something they can't afford, that is very selfish of the son to do that.

We had no desire to make our parents go bankrupt while paying for our wedding.

Your friend really needs to talk to her son, and let him know how much they can afford.

I agree. I think it's fine for the parents of the groom to host the rehearsal dinner, but when the groom is in his 30's, I think that's stretching it a bit. I'm amazed that he even mentioned that they should be responsible for it....

A man in his 30's should be taking care of himself.

I agree, I think Sonny-Boy is at least being clueless and might even be somewhat of a jerk. He's in his *30s* and expects Mom to pay for his rehearsal dinner. FOR 100?!? DMom needs to sit him down and have a Come-to-Jesus meeting about financing the dinner.

...No Open Bar at all. The rehearsal dinner (as told to me by the wedding planner) should be no more than 3 hours. It is a forum for the bride and groom to thank their bridal party. She suggested we not have allot of drinking as the wedding is the next day and you do not want any hangovers...you want everyone refreshed and ready for the big day.

I will be having carafes of wine, soda and water on all the tables. ...

Smart wedding planner, people sometimes think of a wedding as an opportunity to have hangovers on the big day. Ugh.

...In our area, generally the rehearsal dinner includes at least the bridal party, their dates, the parents, and the grandparents. Usually, it includes any out of town guests as well. ...

...And EVERYONE was invited. All the wedding party and families and all the out of town guests and both sides aunts uncles and grandparents , oh and siblings too.

That's the way we kind of did it. The wedding party, our siblings, and relatives who came from out of town were invited.

agnes!

 

[polyfan]

Just curious, but does the son have any siblings? What have they done for the others? I'm a bit on the other side, but it is more because of personal experience that my inlaws don't have much money but they also made no attempt to help pay for anything, and pretty much didn't even give us any options they just said they weren't having a rehearsal dinner any where - people could just over their house after rehearsal for cake, which was the size of a cracker jack box!