When teens are GF and BF.........

[Beth76]

And I guess it bugs me because this kid doesn't even have a job, but he drives and his parents pay his insurance and gas for him. Also he isn't cheap with himself. His Mom will give him money and he goes out and buys $90 sneakers all the time like it is nothing yet he couldn't buy the $9.00 ticket for her.

Because if I were him, and my parents gave me that much money, didn't work, had a girlfriend I would at least save some of the money to take her out on a date. This is how I feel. But he is a kid, putting himself first.

So how many dates has your daughter paid for? You said the kid doesn't have a job. He gets some money from his parents. How do you know how much he has? And what's the appropriate amount he should spend on your daughter? Sounds to me your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. It's a good thing your sexist attitude hasn't rubbed off on her. I think she'll be better off that way.

 

[robinb]

Back when I was a teen just starting to date 30 years ago the boy always paid. These days most "dates" are group things. I wouldn't expect a boy to pay for my DD until they were "going steady" or whatever they call it these days. I have 8-9 more years to figure that out.

 

[bekkiz]

Have you thought about the message you're sending your daughter--that she needs a man to take care of her and that she's not mature enough to handle things for herself?

Of course it's nice to be taken care of, if offered, but really...to expect it just because he's male is rude and, frankly, sexist.

 

[RadioNate]

If it doesn't bother her, it shouldn't bother you. As a mother of a boy I have a problem with a hard and fast the boy ALWAYS pays. First date ok but equal relationships should be equal.

I also don't see why it is any of your business that this boy doesn't work or that his parents give him money. Maybe they don't want him working during school? It isn't your concern if the kid has a job or what his parents do or don't pay for. The shoe comment also bothered me. If I give my DS money for shoes he better spend it on shoes not his girlfriend.

A boy always paying makes the relationship that much more serious to me and I wouldn't want my teenager in that type of relationship.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

should the BF pay when they go out somewhere or should they each pay their own way. DD 16 went out to a show tonight with her boyfriend and she paid for her own ticket. It was only $9.00. I thought the BF should have paid for it, he didn't even offer. She doesn't think it is a big deal, of course this discussion turned into a big argument between her and I. I don't expect the BF to pay all the time, but I do think he should pay most of the time. So what does everyone else think?

I think the '60s are calling. They want you back!

Seriously, though, why should the boy be EXPECTED to pay? I think if your daughter wants to enjoy equal rights in society and her relationship, she should be prepared for equal responsibility. I can't for the life of me understand why you would fight with her about it, anyway...no matter your personal opinion on the matter.

 

[pooh98378]

Because if I were him, and my parents gave me that much money, didn't work, had a girlfriend I would at least save some of the money to take her out on a date. This is how I feel. But he is a kid, putting himself first.

Well both my parents and my now DF's parents paid for our cars, insurance, gas, etc and we did not have jobs in high school. To both of our parents, school was more important and they felt that having a job during the school year would interfere with our school work. They did, however, demand good grades. It wasn't like they were throwing money at us -- they just thought it was their responsibility to pay for what we needed (and we did need a car for several reasons which I won't go into detail) and it was our responsibility to do well in school. I am well aware that this is not how everyone parents, but this was our parents' philosophy.

DF did always pay for everything. But, should this be expected? I think it really just depends. Were they on a real date or just going out as friends? Did the guy think they were on a real date? You might be surprised how oblivious some teenage boys can be.

Although I will say this -- we had this semi-high school reunion about a year ago. DF wasn't in town, but two of my really good friends from high school were (both guys). Now, we're going to a high school football game and they know that we're going to have to pay to get in. Well, we get up to the gates and guess what -- neither one has any cash and guess who pays for them to get in -- me. They said they would pay me back, but I didn't really expect it back and told them not to worry about it. Now, these guys are not moochers -- they were just oblivious. They also aren't stupid either-- one is in grad school at Stanford!

I agree with the previous poster -- pick your battles. Your DD now knows that it might be kind of weird if he doesn't pay and she has that in the back of her mind; but now that the thought is in her head, I would leave it at that and let her decide what she is comfortable with.

 

[NewJersey]

I don't think the teen boy should have to pay all the time, or even most of the time. and if she was okay with it, why would it have caused an argument? My problem is that he was 'expected' to pay.

 

[NewJersey]

Well it mainly turned into an argument because of the attitude she had while I was talking to her.

I guess I feel this way because I never paid when I went on a date. And I guess it bugs me because this kid doesn't even have a job, but he drives and his parents pay his insurance and gas for him. Also he isn't cheap with himself. His Mom will give him money and he goes out and buys $90 sneakers all the time like it is nothing yet he couldn't buy the $9.00 ticket for her.

Why do you care that he works or doesn't work? that's up to his parents to decide on if they are teaching him lessons on how to be responsible; not up to you.

Times have changed and I think you need to realize it's the same as when you grew up.

 

[Kath2003]

No, he shouldn't be expected to pay. It's a relationship - that means both parters are equal. Now if I went to the cinema with a guy as a teen and he paid, I'd have got the popcorn, or paid next time. Even now, if the boyfriend drives, I buy the first round of drinks (his is obviously a soda) because he's done something for me.

 

[CEDmom]

They're both 16 so I doubt they're rolling in $$$. At that age I think most things should be split 50/50.

I can't imagine turning this into an argument with my DD. I'm sure when she hits that age there will be plenty of more worthwhile things to argue about.

My main concern with my DD having a BF at that age would be ensure he treats her well and isn't pressuring her into doing things she's not ready for. If I have to foot the bill myself to ensure she dates nice guys I'd probably do it.

 

[Kath2003]

Sounds to be like your daughters smart enough to know that she has to meet her own ends rather than expecting a free ride from her boyfriend. You don't like this because....?

 

[NewJersey]

another benefit to being gay...I don't have to worry about this!

 

[Christine]

OP: You are being old-fashioned. Believe me, I understand. I grew up in the late 70s and 80s and I never had to pay a dime on any dates. Then was then. That time is over.

 

[Disney Ella]

I think they should each pay their own way or take turns paying. I know the boy paying was how it was done for years, but that just doesn't make any sense to me (and I have girls). Why should one person always have to pay when there are two people enjoying the same movie, dinner, etc.?

 

[BuckNaked]

I think they should each pay their own way or take turns paying. I know the boy paying was how it was done for years, but that just doesn't make any sense to me (and I have girls). Why should one person always have to pay when there are two people enjoying the same movie, dinner, etc.?

Exactly!

I have a son and a daughter, and even though neither one is old enough to be dating, I wouldn't expect either of them to always pay for both parties of a date.

I also wouldn't give a fig about how my child's GF/BF got their money (barring anything illegal, obviously). Not my kid, not my business.

 

[dg39]

I'm married 25 yrs. When dating (way back then) I never ever paid for anything. He always paid for dinner/movie etc. I think it was expected then and the norm.

Now things are totaly different. In the beginning when my oldest was dating I always asked her when she came home, did you have a good time? What movie did you see?, Where did you eat?. You know the regular questions. I always threw in "Who paid".

At first I thought it was odd that sometimes she would say, they paid for themselves (dutch). Then realizing, hey, they both had a good time, who cares who paid.

Now when its time for my youngest to date (she's only 13, so we have awhile for that), I'll give her money and tell her to pay her own way, unless of course her date insists he's paying. I'll just be glad that she comes home and tell me everything went good and she had a great time.

 

[luvtogo12]

Times have changed. I was surprised to find out that DD pays for herself when she goes out on dates. She was just as surprised when I told her that all my dates were paid for by the guy. I am fine with it, but I would be much happier if it were not always on my dime. She needs a job.

However, when my DS's start dating I hope they offer to pay on each date. If his date insists on chipping in, so be it.

 

[VSL]

Wow.

Seems like the whole feminist equal rights movement was for nothing.

You either want equal rights or you don't. You can't have it both ways.

At least your DD has some sense.

 

[shirleyb]

Well it mainly turned into an argument because of the attitude she had while I was talking to her.

I guess I feel this way because I never paid when I went on a date. And I guess it bugs me because this kid doesn't even have a job, but he drives and his parents pay his insurance and gas for him. Also he isn't cheap with himself. His Mom will give him money and he goes out and buys $90 sneakers all the time like it is nothing yet he couldn't buy the $9.00 ticket for her.

So, in other words, since he doesn't work, what you're really saying is HIS PARENTS should be paying your DD's way? Sorry if I'm repeating someone else, I haven't read the whole thread.

 

[AKLforever]

None of that is any of your business. But the fact that this young man is discussing private family finances with others makes me think he isn't the kind of guy I'd want DD dating.

I would have to agree with sunee. The kid sounds like a looser. But even so, I really wouldnt get involved because its not that big of a deal. After all, you are the one who raised her, so she will figure things out at some point. And if not, maybe things have changed in the teen world that we dont understand. I personally think the guy should pay, esp if hes got money like that. But other wise, its not a big deal. How he treats her person to person is a lot more important.