When spouses butt heads over spending

[wishesuponastar]

That's what DH & I are doing this week. DD14's 8th grade trip is going to cost $350 and because we have credit card debt and other bills to pay I do not want her to go but DH says he can come up with the money and let her have the experience. He even wants to give up his gym ($20/mo) for her trip but I won't let him do that for his health. He wants to pay less on our monthly credit card bill. I figure she does not HAVE to go and we can probably wait to send her on her senior trip instead. 10% of the kids did not go last year and DD will get over it.

This is an email war because I don't want the kids to be involved in hearing any discussion. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

[Marionnette]

That's what DH & I are doing this week. DD14's 8th grade trip is going to cost $350 and because we have credit card debt and other bills to pay I do not want her to go but DH says he can come up with the money and let her have the experience. He even wants to give up his gym ($20/mo) for her trip but I won't let him do that for his health. He wants to pay less on our monthly credit card bill. I figure she does not HAVE to go and we can probably wait to send her on her senior trip instead. 10% of the kids did not go last year and DD will get over it.

This is an email war because I don't want the kids to be involved in hearing any discussion. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

Yes, we do have disagreements on how money gets spent. One of us eventually gives in and the other one lives with the decision. It isn't all one sided. Sometimes I give in and sometimes my husband has to. Most marriages have those kinds of give and take compromises.

Did you want us to comment on the 8th grade trip, too? Or is that just background noise? Because I'll keep my opinion to myself unless you're looking for people to weigh in on that subject.

 

[runwad]

Stick to your guns, you're right she will get over it. If you have credit card debt I'd concentrate on getting that paid off. I know it's hard to deny our kids but I just tell my kids like it is. My DH is an ostrich that keeps his head in the sand when it comes to finances. For some reason he doesn't understand how we've not gotten raises in 3 years, in fact his salary has gone down due to furloughs, and our city taxes have gone up not to mention food yet he wants to spend the same Everyone on my dd13 soccer team went to Kalahari for 2 days while they participated in a soccer tournament. We didn't have the extra money and didn't go. I told DH who wanted DD to go that if he had the cash to give her I was fine with it but we're not putting it on a card. It's been a month and DD doesn't even remember it anymore.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Oh yes, comment on the trip please! I don't like it one bit they planned this in this economy

 

[kerplop]

8th grade trip? Not worth all the fuss, honestly. I regularly had to miss school events like that because we never had the money growing up and I turned out just fine. I think saving it for her senior trip is a good idea!

 

[bemily]

If the $350 is not going to put you in the poor house, and you can make it up in other ways before the school year is out,or before the trip, then I would let your daughter go. I think experiences like that are worth the money and if budgeting can be adjusted, then Id let her go.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

 

[4HppyCamprs]

I agree with your DH that she should go. I went on mine and still talk about it on occasion. I am sure that ours was somewhere near that cost as we went to Great America and a Giants game and it was a weekend trip and took 3 hours by bus to reach our location. We stayed in a hotel. I am sorry that your in credit card debt but I truly do not think she will just "get over it". Sorry if that is not the answer you want to hear. Yes my DH and I do occasionally disagree over money but not where the kids are concerned.

 

[Marionnette]

Oh yes, comment on the trip please! I don't like it one bit they planned this in this economy

Okay. Since you asked for opinions...

I agree with your husband.

If 10% of the kids did not go last year, that means that the vast majority of the kids went. How big is her class? 10% of 50 kids is 5 kids and much more noticeably absent than 10% of 500 kids (50 kids).

8th grade doesn't come around again in a kid's life. It really is the end of childhood. She won't get a do over on this.

Your husband is willing to give up something that is his and his alone in order to make this happen. Yet you won't "allow" him to do it? Doesn't he get a voice in this at all? You get to say "no" and that is that? No compromise. No entertaining alternative ideas?

I would try to make it happen for your daughter if it is at all possible. Let your husband give up the gym. Tell your kid that you will match her saving 2:1 toward the trip. Let part of it be a Christmas or birthday gift. But I would make it happen if it is important to her.

No one wants to be the kid who gets left behind.

ETA - Oh, and emailing back and forth on a matter like this? I don't agree with doing this. The written word does not allow for voice inflections and facial expressions that add so much more to the discussion. In my book, emails are for "Could you please stop for milk on your way home?" types of conversations.

 

[Anne34]

If the $350 is not going to put you in the poor house, and you can make it up in other ways before the school year is out,or before the trip, then I would let your daughter go. I think experiences like that are worth the money and if budgeting can be adjusted, then Id let her go.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

I agree -- it is always an amazing experience for kids this age. They learn to work with each other & deal with other people. (4 kids per room??). My DD14 just came back last night from her 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. It was $959 for 3 full days (left at 3:45am on Fri and got back at 8pm Sun night). She had a great time & learned more about our country.

Is there any way she can babysit, do odd jobs and try to help you with the money for the trip?

 

[padawans]

Oh yes, comment on the trip please! I don't like it one bit they planned this in this economy

Keep in mind that the economy is not bad for everyone. Why deny some kids a trip because a few kids in the class can't afford it. You have to make your own desciosion, but I would not get made at the school because of your situation.

 

[Chelley00]

Let part of it be a Christmas or birthday gift. But I would make it happen if it is important to her.

DS wants to go on a mission trip to Belize this summer. It's not in our regular budget to do this for him, so we asked if he was okay with us putting his Christmas and birthday budgeted money towards it, as well as having grandparents do the same, and he was more than fine with it. If it's important enough, kids will do what they need to help out and make things happen.

But OP, DH and I disagree about money all the time. I think most couples do.

 

[CAFarmerGirl]

Sorry, I am totally with your hubby.

In our house, we go with whomever feels the most passionate about something. I usually get my way. But, I can tell when something is important to dh and I will make sure to accommodate him (since I usually do get my way ).

It is obvious your hubby feels passionately enough to give up something he enjoys...or was that his way of wiggling out of gym time?

 

[mrsklamc]

I wasn't post stalking but I just happened to notice...I think you posted in the last couple days about buying $150 uggs? (I apologize if I have you confused with someone else?)

If so, I would definitely say take the Uggs back and apply that money to the trip. The Uggs are far more likely to be forgotten in a few years than the trip.

There are ways to exercise for free. And you'd be surprised what you can sell on craigslist.

Research shows that people are likely to enjoy money spent on experiences much more than that spent on things. The 'new' of stuff wears off over time, while the memories of experiences get fonder. I also have incredible memories of my 8th grade trip.

 

[Colleen27]

DH and I do butt heads on certain issues, but school trips are something we're 100% in agreement on. Unless it is something really frivolous (like a spring break beach trip) we make fees for school/band/sport trips a high priority. I don't think kids should have to "get over" missing out on milestones - and yes, those first trips without parents are a milestone/rite of passage and a great learning experience - unless absolutely necessary.

Life is all about balance and sometimes that means putting this sort of once-in-a-lifetime event ahead of debt reduction.

 

[wishesuponastar]

Yes, we did buy her Uggs that she has been wanting forever and we promised them for her only Christmas gift. Then we got the school letter about the 8th grade trip. She wore the Uggs so can't take them back.

I do not have final say over my DH's gym membership, sorry if I made it seem that way. I just want him to know that it's important to keep it for his health, he wants to lose weight and it shouldn't be something that we take away just so DD can go on a trip.

I agree with a pp that didn't go on a trip and I was one of those kids too who was left behind and I turned out ok. Looking forward for the next year we have many bills coming up like house repairs, our family vacation and this 8th grade trip is not a requirement for DD's life experience to be complete.

 

[DawnM]

It sounds like you really have made up your mind. I can't say that I agree with you on this one though. I think that you got yourself in this financial mess and asking her to give up something important because of your mess isn't really fair.

Now, if she really doesn't want to go, fine, but if she does, I think you should make it happen.

Dawn

 

[rigs32]

What does your DH do at the gym? Cardio? Running is free once you have shoes. Weights? You can do pushups, situps, etc at home with zero equipment.

You can rent fitness DVDs at the library.

I do cross fit, but if work gets in the way of getting to a structured workout, I go to the website below for a substitute. Click on "bodyweight" and it will generate a workout that doesn't need weights.
http://www.wodshop.org/wods.html

 

[mrsklamc]

It's her one and only Christmas gift and you gave it to her early? That makes me sad for her on Christmas day but I can understand wanting to get as much use out of them as possible...

If the letter just came home today I assume there's at least some time before the money is due?

 

[QVCshopper]

Well, since you asked, I think you should let her go. First, you aren't talking tons and tons of money. I bet if you ate out of your pantry/freezer, made eggs for dinner, skipped meals out, etc. you could easily make up the difference.

Since you already bought her XMas gift, I'd also ask for cash from any relatives that usually give money to her and use that. Does she have any money herself to use? I think it's fair for her to contribute a little from things like allowance, etc.

Anyway, I'm not one to spend money lightly, but a trip like that can be good for a kid. I still have the journals I kept from my 7th and 8th grade trips.

 

[wishesuponastar]

No, she will still get a stocking gifts.

The point here is we are in debt and I feel that we should not add anymore. Isn't that a smart thing to do?