when kids have problem with friends..

[sunlver]

When your children are having problems with friends, do you get involved.

Please, no debates..just honest opinions, and have you been in this situation.
My story is really probably just nonsense stuff compared to other things in life.
I have a 10 1/2 yr old daughter in 5th grade. She is a smart girl, gets good grades behaves in school(not so much at home).She doesn't have a ton of friends as really school to her is about learning. This year she became friends with the new girl "Mary"(not her real name). They started off talking on phone, then would get together for playdates and such, mainly at our house. I didnt mind, I am a SAHM and Mary's parents both work fulltime. Sometimes Mary would come home after school with my daughter, she would eat dinner with us, and then I would take her home. Mary joined girlscouts with my daughter, and those days she would almost always come over afterschool, Id take them to girlscouts and take her back home. I didnt mind, I realized her parents worked and I was just helping out. My daughter had only been to her house to play 2 times, which wasnt a problem. Basically 97% of the time I Would pick Mary up and take her home, again not a problem they live in the same neighborhood..Mary is also friends with another girl "Susie"(not her real name). I would hear Mary sometimes talk about plans with Susie in front of my daughter. Although I find it rude, it wasnt a big deal.

I would say the last month or so Mary has been shutting my daughter out a lot. I remember one time my daughter called to Mary's house to ask her to play or to just hang out, Mary said no Susie was there. Ok, again no problem. We did a bowling event with girlscouts and Susie decided she wanted to go, I picked up all girls, brought to girlscout event, and dropped at home, and not one thank you..Mary hardly ever says thank you to me either, I can remember onlyone time all year Mary thanked me after taking her home.

So last night another girlscout meeting, and my daughter invited another girl to join girlscouts. They had a sleepover last week, and this other new girl seemd very nice and sweet. In the car, the new girl said she didnt like "Susie". I asked why she didnt like Susie. She said because Susie told Mary they shouldnt be friends with my daughter anymore. She went on to say they whisper when my daughter is around and such. Mary said it was because My daughters room is really messy and she doesnt like to be in it. Well it is true my daughters room is messy LOL...

I know you are all reading this thinking, so whats the big deal. In all reality it isnt a big deal. I guess it probably bothers me more then my daughter. For me its the fact that that Mary clinged on to my daughter and called a million times a week, came over, had manymeals with us, and I got one thank you. I went out of my way to pick her up,take her home, drive her places, invited her places with us. NOW..she has a new friend who is telling her not to be friends with my daughter.GRANTED my house isn't always fun to be at , because my daughter can be a little witch at times, which she gets in trouble for. When she has friends over, I try to pull my daughter aside in different room, to discipline(meaning, stern talking too, and yelling if reallly bad). I always do this away from other people(friends). Also,I have 3 kids and 4 dogs, so my house is always LOUD...

We had girlscouts last night and Mary didnt show up or call, usually she calls if she needs a ride. BUT..schools have been closed here for 2 days because of snow days, and a lot of people didnt realize we were still having a meeting anyways.
Would it be awful of me not to offer to drive Mary to meetings anymore. After all if she doesnt want to be friends withmy daughter anymore, and if she is going to be mean to her, why would I want her in my car ???

Does this make me sound childish???Do I think everybody needs to be friends with my daughter??HECK NO!! Do I think kids should have many friends, YES!!!! The fact is its probably been a month since Mary called her to ask toplay with my daughter. She called once last week, to ask about an assignment and thats it.

Should I just let it go, ??I am not really friends with the mother.I mean we have chatted several times in passing but we are not "Friends".

I just don't know why kids have to be so mean...
Oh by the way..my daughter is no saint. In school she is perfect, at home she truley is a witch..but she makes friends at school whenkids see the good side of her..and the other girl "Susie" doesnt know her from playdates, so all her info is coming from "Mary"..
It is so sad to me. I told my daughter to just stay away from both of them, and stick to friends who are nice to her.

 

[Robinrs]

This is your opportunity to teach your daughter about the proper way to handle this inevitable side of relationships.

Remind her that you cannot change people only your reaction to them.

Remind her to NOT depend on "friends" but to look to herself, the consistent people in her life and not the in and out ones.

It's a life lesson that never stops. She will run into this kind of conflict at school, work... even in a nursing home. The main thing she WILL remember is how her Mom told her how to react to it.

Hang in there.... remember, you are to teach her how to be an adult, don't go down to where she is, lift her to where she's going.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When your children are having problems with friends, do you get involved.

Please, no debates..just honest opinions, and have you been in this situation.
My story is really probably just nonsense stuff compared to other things in life.
I have a 10 1/2 yr old daughter in 5th grade. She is a smart girl, gets good grades behaves in school(not so much at home).She doesn't have a ton of friends as really school to her is about learning. This year she became friends with the new girl "Mary"(not her real name). They started off talking on phone, then would get together for playdates and such, mainly at our house. I didnt mind, I am a SAHM and Mary's parents both work fulltime. Sometimes Mary would come home after school with my daughter, she would eat dinner with us, and then I would take her home. Mary joined girlscouts with my daughter, and those days she would almost always come over afterschool, Id take them to girlscouts and take her back home. I didnt mind, I realized her parents worked and I was just helping out. My daughter had only been to her house to play 2 times, which wasnt a problem. Basically 97% of the time I Would pick Mary up and take her home, again not a problem they live in the same neighborhood..Mary is also friends with another girl "Susie"(not her real name). I would hear Mary sometimes talk about plans with Susie in front of my daughter. Although I find it rude, it wasnt a big deal.

I would say the last month or so Mary has been shutting my daughter out a lot. I remember one time my daughter called to Mary's house to ask her to play or to just hang out, Mary said no Susie was there. Ok, again no problem. We did a bowling event with girlscouts and Susie decided she wanted to go, I picked up all girls, brought to girlscout event, and dropped at home, and not one thank you..Mary hardly ever says thank you to me either, I can remember onlyone time all year Mary thanked me after taking her home.

So last night another girlscout meeting, and my daughter invited another girl to join girlscouts. They had a sleepover last week, and this other new girl seemd very nice and sweet. In the car, the new girl said she didnt like "Susie". I asked why she didnt like Susie. She said because Susie told Mary they shouldnt be friends with my daughter anymore. She went on to say they whisper when my daughter is around and such. Mary said it was because My daughters room is really messy and she doesnt like to be in it. Well it is true my daughters room is messy LOL...

I know you are all reading this thinking, so whats the big deal. In all reality it isnt a big deal. I guess it probably bothers me more then my daughter. For me its the fact that that Mary clinged on to my daughter and called a million times a week, came over, had manymeals with us, and I got one thank you. I went out of my way to pick her up,take her home, drive her places, invited her places with us. NOW..she has a new friend who is telling her not to be friends with my daughter.GRANTED my house isn't always fun to be at , because my daughter can be a little witch at times, which she gets in trouble for. When she has friends over, I try to pull my daughter aside in different room, to discipline(meaning, stern talking too, and yelling if reallly bad). I always do this away from other people(friends). Also,I have 3 kids and 4 dogs, so my house is always LOUD...

We had girlscouts last night and Mary didnt show up or call, usually she calls if she needs a ride. BUT..schools have been closed here for 2 days because of snow days, and a lot of people didnt realize we were still having a meeting anyways.
Would it be awful of me not to offer to drive Mary to meetings anymore. After all if she doesnt want to be friends withmy daughter anymore, and if she is going to be mean to her, why would I want her in my car ???

Does this make me sound childish???Do I think everybody needs to be friends with my daughter??HECK NO!! Do I think kids should have many friends, YES!!!! The fact is its probably been a month since Mary called her to ask toplay with my daughter. She called once last week, to ask about an assignment and thats it.

Should I just let it go, ??I am not really friends with the mother.I mean we have chatted several times in passing but we are not "Friends".

I just don't know why kids have to be so mean...
Oh by the way..my daughter is no saint. In school she is perfect, at home she truley is a witch..but she makes friends at school whenkids see the good side of her..and the other girl "Susie" doesnt know her from playdates, so all her info is coming from "Mary"..
It is so sad to me. I told my daughter to just stay away from both of them, and stick to friends who are nice to her.

Yes, you should let it go. Let your dd decide who she wants to hang with. If you don't you will go crazy in middle school.

I followed my dd's lead and asked her what she wanted to do. I would hear we are not friends, then the next day they would be hanging out and when you would ask dd about the "thing" the other day they look at you like you have two heads.

My older dd had a friend who was always clashing with her in middle school. Flash forward to today. They are now college freshman and her friend got married recently. They are not BFF's however they are friends for life if that makes sense.

This friendship sounds one sided anyway so I am sure it will work itself out.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

Just hold your breath throughout middle school. Girls are vicious. I told my DD13 I was so glad she is 1/2 way through.

 

[JESW]

Let it go. I have a dd11 in the 5th grade so I understand what you are talking about. She has two"bff's" that she has known since kindergarten. Problem with three friends is that one usually gets left out. 4th grade was all about the one getting left out - sometimes it was my dd.

In our town we merge with another town for 5th - 8th (middle school) so all of last summer I talked with my dd about all the new opportunities that would be available to her - new classes, new programs, new FRIENDS, etc. I encouraged her to talk with everyone and see who she could be friends with. Not everyone had to be a bff, but friends you could hang with, eat lunch with, etc. This was all to help her when her old friends went off with someone else. So far so good. My dd is able to handle her "old" friends doing things without her much better since she is doing things with so many other girls - this past weekend she got invited to a bd party with mostly girls from the other town so I was happy to see that - happy to see that she has really branched out and has been able to meet a lot of new kids. Who knows where these friendships will go? I also encouraged her to try to stay away from the ONE best friend as that one friend can really hurt you if they turn on you. But she does have one girl she hangs out with more than the others but they are also part of a big group. Fingers crossed, but middle school has started well.

Encourage your dd to try new things, invite other girls over, meet lots of people. It is HARD for them to do but so important - I wish someone had encouraged me to do that when I was younger as I was shy and had a hard time making friends.

Good luck to y our dd as it is so hard...we have had many tears in this house over the years over "friends".

Jill

 

[mumom95]

Stay out of it. I am a firm believer that when a parent steps in, it only makes a situation worse.

If your dd needs someone to listen to, be there for her and offer advice, but other than that, let her deal with it. In the big picture of life, this isn't a big deal, and would be a great place for her to work things out on her own.

As for the driving, that is up to you. You don't owe the girl anything. But realize at the same time, it isn't going to help the situation between your dd and the other girl.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It may resolve itself. Maybe Mary didn't call for a ride because she feels guilty asking for a ride when she's treating your DD poorly.

If not, and Mary does call for rides, I'm not sure what I'd do. I would have to think about it. My first thought is Mary wouldn't use my DD for rides and give her the cold shoulder too. It would be awkward and I would be enabling Mary to mistreat her. I think I'd have a talk with Mary (maybe when she calls for a ride) and tell her I'd be glad to continue giving her rides, as long as she treated my DD with respect. If she couldn't do that, the rides would be done.

I'm all for helping others, but not at the expense of my child.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I didn't read your story, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to-it's all the same stuff. I got involved with dd10 (at the time) and her friends and really, really learned my lesson. I will never do that again and I recommend you give advice to your dd without slamming her friends, but stay out of it. Teach her to work it out.

 

[damren]

I understand your worries completely! It's hard to see someone you love be treated bad. My daughter is 11 and we deal with the same issues. Kids are mean and middle school is rough. I would say if you normally bring the girl to GS then keep doing it.
a girl kept calling here one time and messing with my daughter, saying it wasn't her and that it was her friend. (she clearly didn't understand caller id) I finally answered the phone and she asked to speak to my daughter and I told her that we had had enough drama for one night, and she said ok

 

[SydSim]

Uggh! I totally understand what you're going through. Just remember - the mind of a tween girl is totally different than ours. Everything that you said seems logical to us, most tween girls aren't even viewing things in the same way. Sure, basic manners should be present, but since you do so much for the friend, she probably thought that she was part of your family (and if your daughter wasn't thanking you for bringing her to GS, and for cooking dinner, why should she Just trying to show the thinking of a tween)

Hate to say this, but your DD's friend may have enjoyed their friendship until something better came along. If she's having a good time with the new friend, she may not want to continue playing with your DD (who, you admit, can be a witch outside of school).

Let them allow this friendship to go.

 

[Nancyg56]

I agree with the other posters. You need to let your DD work this out adn you need to stay out of it. One thing I learned was that three girls was never a good thing and that one day girls are friends adn teh next day they are biting mad and the next BBF. If you try to sort it out you are going to make yourself crazy.

I would also do as one other poster suggested. Try to teach DD that there will be times when people drift apart and help her if this is indeed what happens.

Good Luck! Girls are tough on parents....drama is their middle name!

 

[MUFFYCAT]

With 2 teen girls ages 18 & 15 I say let your DD work it out herself. It probably is more upsetting to you then her.
Girls are mean! The movie "Mean Girls" is true life!
While she may not be friendly with Mary now she may be best friends with her 2 months from now.

I've seen my older DD and friends talk about each other, leave girls out and backstab each other only to be friends with them again a week later!
Middle school years are the worst!!

 

[hedgehog2owl]

Would it be awful of me not to offer to drive Mary to meetings anymore. After all if she doesnt want to be friends withmy daughter anymore, and if she is going to be mean to her, why would I want her in my car ???

No it would not be awful of you. If she needs a ride, she can call or her mother can.

Maybe she is getting rides with her new friends now.

 

[mjkacmom]

Your dd is 10 1/2, and this is the first time you are dealing with this? Consider yourself lucky! My dd13 has broken up with more gf's than I can count. She doesn't even talk to many of her old bffs (and many of them I'm glad to lose). Follow your dd's lead - DO NOT GET INVOLVED. We carpool with an old bff - so what if they're not friends anymore.

 

[sunlver]

It may resolve itself. Maybe Mary didn't call for a ride because she feels guilty asking for a ride when she's treating your DD poorly.

If not, and Mary does call for rides, I'm not sure what I'd do. I would have to think about it. My first thought is Mary wouldn't use my DD for rides and give her the cold shoulder too. It would be awkward and I would be enabling Mary to mistreat her. I think I'd have a talk with Mary (maybe when she calls for a ride) and tell her I'd be glad to continue giving her rides, as long as she treated my DD with respect. If she couldn't do that, the rides would be done.

I'm all for helping others, but not at the expense of my child.

Yes..this is exactly my dilema for the future..A couple girls missed the girlscout meeting last night,but really I think it is because of the snows days we have been having and everything basically shutting down.
I had offer my services to this girls mother at the beginning of the year not having a problem taking Mary to the gs meetings...but things have turned. I guess I will just play it by ear.

 

[sunlver]

With 2 teen girls ages 18 & 15 I say let your DD work it out herself. It probably is more upsetting to you then her.
Girls are mean! The movie "Mean Girls" is true life!
While she may not be friendly with Mary now she may be best friends with her 2 months from now.

I've seen my older DD and friends talk about each other, leave girls out and backstab each other only to be friends with them again a week later!
Middle school years are the worst!!

You are right, it is more upsetting to me then my daughter. My daughter is a tough cookie. In some ways she is oblivous to what is going on around here, and sometimes I think that is a good thing. That way, she isn't worrying about every little thing. I think its bad in a way as well, because I dont want her to be played for a fool. I dont want people talking bad about her in front of her and not be aware what is going on

I am much more sensitive/emotional then my daughter is, even at that age. At that age, I Would of been home crying in my room if that happened to me SHe isn't like that.I just try to let her know to find kids who want to be friends with her and ignore the mean ones.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes..this is exactly my dilema for the future..A couple girls missed the girlscout meeting last night,but really I think it is because of the snows days we have been having and everything basically shutting down.
I had offer my services to this girls mother at the beginning of the year not having a problem taking Mary to the gs meetings...but things have turned. I guess I will just play it by ear.

I would just stop offering. Things have changed. At 10, Mary is big enough to know her actions have consequences. (She doesn't have to be friends with your DD, but to ride in her car, she does have to be respectful -- which she hasn't been.)

If the girl calls, have a little chat. You wouldn't be involved, you would be setting the ground rules for your car, your transportation.

 

[sunlver]

Your dd is 10 1/2, and this is the first time you are dealing with this? Consider yourself lucky! My dd13 has broken up with more gf's than I can count. She doesn't even talk to many of her old bffs (and many of them I'm glad to lose). Follow your dd's lead - DO NOT GET INVOLVED. We carpool with an old bff - so what if they're not friends anymore.

Well this is the first situation I am aware of. My daughter is a tough cookie, doenst talk much about those sort of things.It was that the last two times the other 2 girls were with us, I could tell the cattiness...they were trying to say things to make my daughter jealous..like saying how they had a sleepover, how they were going to the movies etc...See my daughter is in her own little world she really doesnt pay attention to all of it. As a matter of fact, in the car that day she was playing her DS..and didnt pay attention to the other girls. THe other girls were talking LOUD and PROUD of their upcoming plans and I KNOW what they were trying to do.
When I brought it up to my daughter later, she said "I didnt hear that" and she was sitting right next to them..

I just dont want her to be played...SO I continue to tell her to be friends who want to be your friends and stay away from the rest.

 

[robinb]

You have a Queen Bee problem. Susie is the Queen Bee and has all her little drones like Mary under her control like puppets. Can you tell that we have had this problem too? Once in 1st grade and again in 4th grade, both times the same girl.

What can you, as a parent, do about it? Not much. Just be aware that Mary might be feeling conflicted too. I remember when our Queenie successfully put the pressure on one of my DD's best friends to leave her in 1st grade. It was just as awful for our "Mary" as it was for my DD and her mom was completely distraught. Mary wanted to be friends with both girls but Queenie told her she had to choose. Seeing how Queenie treated girls she didn't like it was a no-brainer for our Mary and in many ways an act of self preservation.

While you may not be able to do much, someone at your DD's school may be able to step in to put a stop to Susie's control over Mary and (I assume) other girls. Last year in 4th grade Queenie's pressure was so intense that a girl who was not even involved in the drama withdrew into her shell and began to hate school and develop stomach aches. This girl was a straight-A student and loved school but the ongoing drama was too much for her. In the case of Queenie in the 4th grade, the teacher was more on the ball than the 1st grade teacher and intervened. Kids at this age are very sensitive to Bullying and she pointed out that Queen Bee's pack was being bullies to the other girls. In addition, she the parents of Queenie's pack were involved so they also knew what was going on at school. School was much better for my DD and her classmates after the intervention. I kinda wonder how things would be different if Queenie's shenanigans had been stopped in 1st grade .

Anyway ... back to your question about Mary. I would continue to give Mary a ride to girl scouts unless your DD asks that you stop. There is no use burning bridges if you don't need to. Mary may wake up and realize that she is being manipulated by Susie.

Good luck .

 

[iwrbnd]

1. I would try to blow this off and stay out of it.

2. I wouldn't call the girl to pick her up.

3. If the girl calls for a ride then swallow your pride, take the high road, and pick her up.

4. Good luck! The days when all they needed to be happy were love, fresh diapers, food in their tummy and a safe place to sleep are gone!