When is it time to stop giving gifts?

[White Cat]

What’s wrong wth giving gifts. As long as the receiver gives a heart felt thank you. If they don’t say thanks and don’t appreciate it then I would stop.

 

[china mom]

There is nothing wrong with giving gifts if it is something youj wnat to do and it comes from the heart. It is the obligatory gift exchanges that are tough. Trying to find a gift for a child who you don't see very often is tough. I could not even guess my niece's sizes or preferred style of clothes. They have every Barbie ever made. I don't know any of their other interests. All that causes so much holiday stress,

And with a family as large as ours, it all becomes a blur. When my kids were younger, I remember that they would open each present and look the gift giver in the eye and give a heartfelt thank you. They appreciated each gift as it was received - not always for the item itself but the thought behind it. And then we would get home and we would play the "who gave you that?" game and we had already forgotten which gift came from which aunt or uncle. It was too much. The number of gifts exchanged and the stress of shopping made the season unpleasant for me.

Last year, with people still weirded out by the post covid world, we had a much smaller gathering and it was only us and two other families, both with grown kids. Even though we never said anything, no one showed up with gifts and it turned out to be the best Christmas in 35 years. We enjoyed each other's company and there was no pre-holiday stress.

 

[onewishupon]

Gift giving ebbs and flows for me. Give if you want and don't if you don't have the means or are finding it to be too much. A gift is just that a "gift" and no one should "expect" it from you.

 

[mumto3girls]

I think it’s fine to stop whenever you are ready. Probably best though to have a conversation about your plans prior to the holiday though if you are changing what you have been doing.

We have certainly evolved with gift giving over the years. After we were first married we continued buying for parents and siblings for a while. DH and his sister were the first to stop. Once she had kids we bought for them and decided that we would buy for them through college. My reasoning was that I thought those years are when they might most appreciate a gift card/extra cash/something fun.

On my side we bought for everyone for years—sisters, brothers-in-law, all the kids. My mom did a stocking for each person. One year she just didn’t. It was too much for her. My youngest sister was disappointed so we decided each adult would draw a name and do a stocking for that person. Each adult also contributes an item to each kid’s stocking. That led to a few years later discontinuing adult gifts and only doing a stocking for adults. Kids were young but we agreed stopping gifts once they finished college. Oldest DD is the oldest on my side and graduated in May so she is done. She can join the adult stocking thing if she wants, but a few years ago she and her sisters and a few older cousins decided to do their own stocking thing so she is sticking with that. My dad does give all the grandchildren a generous check and I think still buys toys for the youngest kids who are all in one family.

 

[HopperFan]

We are retired. No children. We have nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. We stopped giving to the married ones years ago but gave to their children. One of greats is now in college. The others we don't see since we had a falling out with their grandparents (my brother). So we no longer get together for holidays, birthdays etc. We did give them birthday presents this year which we just dropped off at their house since we could not come up with a time to get together (they are very busy).

On my sisters side, her son just got married and left the state. Her daughter (26) still lives at home, and we do see her occasionally. (we run in the same circle of friends) .

Just not feeling the holiday giving spirit.

It is time to stop??

NOW.

Nothing you said about the intended relatives made me believe that you should be giving them gifts. If we are just giving gifts because we used to or we feel obligated or they are family ... if we have to keep making excuses why we are gifting people then we have reached that point where it is time to stop.

With inlaws it had become so out of hand and unappreciated we changed to a white elephant. And then MIL & FIL ditched us one Christmas with virtually no notice so the writing was on the wall the gathering would stop and then the gifts stopped. [We continued to have a small Christmas with just MIL & FIL on a different day). About 6 years ago as the youngest hit about 16 on my side, we ditched the gifts for all and did a white elephant. Grands still did their thing and we gifted them. That tradition continues because we all get together (if you don't come you don't play). My kids are adults, one married and they got to that point of giving each a bottle of liquor ... I told them that is no different than handing each other cash or a gift card, time to stop. Focus on the baby and their brother (disabled and loves even the smallest gift). I told them no gifts for me, I need nothing, buy yourself something you wouldn't normally. I just want them home for Christmas Eve. Like this year we are doing a cruise for their brother's birthday and I said put the money towards their trip.

When the reasoning, the heart, the thoughtfulness is gone, or even if they are physically gone from regular life - it is no longer even gifting ... it's just spending money on an obligation. Time to stop. Time to find other traditions or enjoyment from the holidays. Nothing worse than dreading part, been there done that.

I love that decades ago an Aunt (who once hosted Christmas parties with small thoughtful gifts for each child, always loved mine) announced she was no longer spending money on Christmas Cards, stamps etc. She would be making a donation to children's charities instead. You could announce to all that it might impact that you will no longer be buying gifts but donating to "[insert charity] that you feel has a need.

We have had peace treaties in place for decades now that decree no gifts.

At first some family thought it was my wife and I just being cheap but quickly everyone came on board.

We get together in person and that is worth more than any gift. Gift giving causes so much stress in the giver that tries to really find a meaningful gift year after year.

And to add to the stress is the ones who are quite vocal that they didn't like your gift.

On inlaw side we were all very local but one family who only came at Christmas all year long even though they were only a few hours away. Then they decided they would only come Thanksgiving and pick up their gifts while there. Okay. So they open gifts at Christmas, and after the holiday we got a message the children were not pleased with their gifts. Okay ... they are virtual strangers to us, even to their grandparents, we had no ideas from you, we did our best.

After that the adults decided the kids would also do white elephants. Only one gift per kid to buy, it had to be for boy or girl and you had a shot at something you liked. Kids loved it. Guess BIL didn't tell his wife the new plan - which meant if they didn't come there would be no gifts. They rolled up Thanksgiving and after most of us had gone home asked the host sister where their gifts were? Ummm we told you we weren't doing gifts (note they brought no gifts for anyone else either). Apparently a big argument happened about their kids being left out ... of what? You never bring them to visit, they are strangers to their cousins, we told you kids at Christmas would do white elephant. Not our fault you didn't tell rest of your family.

When it becomes only about the gifts and not spending time with people, it is time to stop.

 

[disneychrista]

We have had peace treaties in place for decades now that decree no gifts.

At first some family thought it was my wife and I just being cheap but quickly everyone came on board.

We get together in person and that is worth more than any gift. Gift giving causes so much stress in the giver that tries to really find a meaningful gift year after year.

My mom did that the year I told her we weren’t planning of giving/exchanging gifts. My parents still gave the $50 bill in a card that they had been for years. And then accused me of being greedy/money grabbing. The whole reason I said to stop exchanging was because we weren’t giving gifts just exchanging money/money equivalent. The next year she miraculously decided we shouldn’t exchange gifts like it was her idea.

 

[_19disnA]

I know of some large families who get together for Christmas and have agreed that everyone picks a name and then gets ONE gift for only that person. Solves the problem of huge families with lots of relatives or perhaps the concern how expensive it would be getting everyone a gift. IF your family is the type that still gathers for Christmas, then you should have a discussion among the adults ahead of time regarding gift giving.

 

[fla4fun]

We never exchanged gifts with the extended family. My mom was the youngest of seven, and her siblings had lots of kids (there were nine kids in just one of the families), so even the grandparents on that side didn’t buy gifts for the grandchildren. Christmas cards were about as gift-exchangish as we got, and once we turned 18, we didn’t even get cards. (Side note - One of the cards from my grandmother had a recipe on it for the best gingerbread cookies I have ever eaten, and we still make those cookies to this day. It truly was a gift in card form!)

No one is required to give a gift. I feel that if exchanging gifts has been a tradition and you would like to stop, that simple communication of that wish is enough. I would do it well in advance of the holiday though, so the other people involved haven’t gone shopping yet. You could also de-escalate by going from a gift, to a simple card the next year, to then nothing the following year, so they don’t feel the loss as abruptly.

 

[SC Minnie]

We stopped family gift exchange about 10 years ago. The grandchildren were all out of HS. There were some job challenges going on with several in the family so we decided to get together and no gifts. We've kept that since and it's been nice.

For my parents, when we put my mom on our cell phone plan I told her we would pay for it and it would be her gift for al the gift giving occasions. She loved it. Said she didn't need any more 'stuff' and is actually trying to declutter. For my dad, one year I noticed his yard wasn't getting taken care of. He had gotten to the point health wise he couldn't do it so I paid for a lawn service from Spring to Fall every year and that was his gift for all gift giving occasions. He loved that too. It was something he needed.

My inlaws have passed. For DH's side for many years the siblings did a name drawing and gift exchange. The grandchildren could opt in when they graduated HS. It got to the point it was a gift card exchange so DH opted us out. Everyone lived in different states and rarely got together. I'm not sure if they still do it or not.

 

[jdb in AZ]

We switched from drawing a name to give a gift each year to donating to a charity. The extended family expected us to say which charity, but we'd rather keep that part anonymous.

There really is no one-size-fits-all to gift giving.