When is it time for kids to move out?

[minkydog]

I'm ready for DS22 to move on. He wants to move out, but his "requirements" are too high, IMO. He wants a couple of bedrooms in a nice house, no apartments, some place where he can play his electric guitar, near his friends (who mostly live at home also) and he wants it all for $500/month. Yeah, son, good luck with that. Did I mention he's out of a job at the moment?

DH won't let me kick him to the curb and honestly, his biggest sin is that he lives like a slob. His room is nasty and he sometimes eats up leftovers I've designated for another meal. It's aggravating to go to the fridge to fix dinner and find out your meat has disappeard. He will do household and yard chores if we ask him but he'd never just do chores on his own. At least he does his own laundry and usually fixes his own meals.

Erg...we're probably gonna have to sell the house to get him out of the basement.

 

[Colleen27]

Not all people can get up and move to a new city or part of the country. Just because some have done it successfully doesn't mean everyone can.

And as a parent, why encourage a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Sure, someone straight out of college might find work faster away from home, but if they want to live near family, why force that decision when you have the ability to help them wait out the job market where they want to be? I know some people don't really place much importance on living near family, but the norm in my family is to stay close and I'd like for my kids to be able to continue that tradition if they so choose.

 

[bunny]

You just need to do what my father did. Set the rules. I had so many rules I couldn't wait to get out. I knew whose house it was. In fact back in those days we only had cable in the living room. If I wanted to watch TV, I either watched what my father wanted when he was home or watched fuzzy TV using rabbit ears in my room. We didn't have a cordless phone yet, so I had to talk on the phone in the kitchen. My parents live in a 1/2 million dollar house and I couldn't wait to get out. I lived on $600 a month. I had a studio I paid $300 a month for including utilities. I had a $1000 car. My apartment wasn't the Tag Mahal but it was my own. My friends could come over when I wanted. I loved it there. Now I live in a huge 4 bedroom colonial and sometimes wish I only had one room to clean again.

 

[bluesaturn]

If your family can help you prevent that, why shouldn't they? I was always raised with the notion that family supports each other any way possible, and if that means financially, that's what you do.

This must be cultural. This whole conversation must be. Or at least associated with areas of the country and cost of living. I've never heard people in real life use the age they moved out at as a judge of their character. I actually don't know anyone with five years of my age who moved out at 18, besides to go to college or the military, because there is literally no where for you to go. You would not be able to afford anywhere to live.

 

[NotUrsula]

Must be a different generation. In my day, this absolutely was not done as a kid living at home. Even if you were an adult, you were subject to the rules of the house -- and that meant no boys in bedrooms, and certainly no sex in the house. It would be just unheard of -- no parent in my neighborhood would have put up with this. You'd be out on the street.

And I guess it's why my generation moved out and started their own lives!

Tee-hee. Yeah, Dad standing in the bedroom doorway with a loaded shotgun might have kind of killed the mood!

There is NO WAY that I would ever had had relations under my parents' roof whether they were home or not; my very religious mother firmly insisted on maintaining the fiction that her unmarried daughters were virgins. She would have noticed somehow, and there would have been hell to pay for that kind of presumption.

Once when I was about 21 I was an overnight guest in my boyfriend's parents' home. They were VERY conservative. He sneaked into my room in the middle of the night, but I made him go away immediately -- getting caught with him in there would have been REALLY unpleasant for the both of us.

 

[bluesaturn]

And as a parent, why encourage a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Sure, someone straight out of college might find work faster away from home, but if they want to live near family, why force that decision when you have the ability to help them wait out the job market where they want to be? I know some people don't really place much importance on living near family, but the norm in my family is to stay close and I'd like for my kids to be able to continue that tradition if they so choose.

And what if your parents live in a much part of the country for jobs and opportunities. You're supposed to just up and move to somewhere with cheaper apartments? That would be a very stupid decision because you might be cheating yourself out on the beginning of a very stable career.

 

[bluesaturn]

At age 24(?) I can't imagine asking for permission to be ALLOWED to move out.

Yes, everyone wants better for their children than they had. However many of us didn't have it that bad. Having roommates, driving older cars, working through college doesn't make a hard life for anyone. I look back fondly on those carefree days of being a young independant woman. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Considering the OP is on her way to becoming a physician, she sounds pretty independent to me. Even though she might be going to clinicals from her parents' house.

 

[NotUrsula]

And as a parent, why encourage a permanent solution to a temporary problem? Sure, someone straight out of college might find work faster away from home, but if they want to live near family, why force that decision when you have the ability to help them wait out the job market where they want to be? I know some people don't really place much importance on living near family, but the norm in my family is to stay close and I'd like for my kids to be able to continue that tradition if they so choose.

Permanent? Who said any living arrangement had to be permanent in this day and age? Unless there is some kind of career restraint, I don't see any reason why a single childless person cannot relocate as often as they please. It's cheap to move when you don't have much; just pack the car.

I live in a city where lots of people "come home to roost" as they say. A lot of young adults tend to move to the coasts for a few years after college, then move back here once their careers are on a firm footing and they are thinking about wanting to settle down and start a family. A few years in another place will give them a much better idea of whether the place they grew up in is really where they want to be, rather than just the default choice.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think there is a difference between kids (or shall I say adults) living with their parents because of real financial reasons (still in school, can't find a job, lots of student loans, etc.), or because they need to care for their parents, compared to those who do it so they can spend freely, go on vacation, get free food, etc. I had friends who lived at home because it was convinient, and then got married. I feel sorry for them, because they did miss out on a very great experience. I love being a wife and mother, but I really did feel on top of the world when I had my very own apartment - I felt so independent, so free, to rely on just me, and not have to tend to the needs of others (unlike now - with 5 kids, I'm tending! ).

 

[fussymonkey]

I think some of the back and forth on this thread is hilarious becuase it basically amounts to:

Group A: "Only if you live your life exactly as I lived mine and follow the same path that I did will your adulthood be complete, otherwise no matter your accomplishments you will not have grown enough to withstand adversity" meaning move out young, eat crappy food, live in a crappy apartment, live on your own before marrying.

Group B: "What-ever. Screw you".

Now imagine I insisted other people had to have the same life experiences as I in order to be "complete" or to "develop character": motherhood, hetrosexuality, marriage, caretaker of infirm parents. I would never dare to suggest that anyone who hadn't married or had children was not truly self-sufficent or adult, even though being a wife and mother has taught me far more self-reliance, accountability, creativity in the face of adversity than any amount of raman noodles and roach infested apartments. Its just totally obnoxious to insist that the path you chose is 100% right and is 100% better than anyone else's.

I have a good friend who lived at home for two years after graduating college. She came and went as she pleased, did whatever she wanted, paid a nominal amount of rent. He parents loved having her at home, and she loved being close to them while starting her career and planning her wedding. She and her now-husband bought thier first house right before thier wedding and put down almost 50% down payment, which enabled her to stay at home with her kids in a few years. She has four kids and they live decently on under 50K. Now tell me how she is somehow less accustomed to udnerstanding the value of a dollar, living without luxuries or being a self-reliant adult. Its just laughable.

Based on my friends/co-workers/aquaintences I see no correlation at all between eventual sucess in marriage/finances/relationships and moving out before, say 25. I know people who stayed home longer who have done awesome in life and I know people who moved out at 19 that turned out to be loosers. Just like everything else in life, moving out younger is no more an gaurantee of eventual independance or intellect than going to college is a gaurantee of eventual financial sucess.

 

[bluesaturn]

I think some of the back and forth on this thread is hilarious becuase it basically amounts to:

Group A: "Only if you live your life exactly as I lived mine and follow the same path that I did will your adulthood be complete, otherwise no matter your accomplishments you will not have grown enough to withstand adversity" meaning move out young, eat crappy food, live in a crappy apartment, live on your own before marrying.

Group B: "What-ever. Screw you".

Now imagine I insisted other people had to have the same life experiences as I in order to be "complete" or to "develop character": motherhood, hetrosexuality, marriage, caretaker of infirm parents. I would never dare to suggest that anyone who hadn't married or had children was not truly self-sufficent or adult, even though being a wife and mother has taught me far more self-reliance, accountability, creativity in the face of adversity than any amount of raman noodles and roach infested apartments. Its just totally obnoxious to insist that the path you chose is 100% right and is 100% better than anyone else's.

I have a good friend who lived at home for two years after graduating college. She came and went as she pleased, did whatever she wanted, paid a nominal amount of rent. He parents loved having her at home, and she loved being close to them while starting her career and planning her wedding. She and her now-husband bought thier first house right before thier wedding and put down almost 50% down payment, which enabled her to stay at home with her kids in a few years. She has four kids and they live decently on under 50K. Now tell me how she is somehow less accustomed to udnerstanding the value of a dollar, living without luxuries or being a self-reliant adult. Its just laughable.

Based on my friends/co-workers/aquaintences I see no correlation at all between eventual sucess in marriage/finances/relationships and moving out before, say 25. I know people who stayed home longer who have done awesome in life and I know people who moved out at 19 that turned out to be loosers. Just like everything else in life, moving out younger is no more an gaurantee of eventual independance or intellect than going to college is a gaurantee of eventual financial sucess.

Even though you'd probably include me in the "Screw you" group, I totally agree with you.

 

[BCV513]

I think some of the back and forth on this thread is hilarious becuase it basically amounts to:

Group A: "Only if you live your life exactly as I lived mine and follow the same path that I did will your adulthood be complete, otherwise no matter your accomplishments you will not have grown enough to withstand adversity" meaning move out young, eat crappy food, live in a crappy apartment, live on your own before marrying.

Group B: "What-ever. Screw you".

Now imagine I insisted other people had to have the same life experiences as I in order to be "complete" or to "develop character": motherhood, hetrosexuality, marriage, caretaker of infirm parents. I would never dare to suggest that anyone who hadn't married or had children was not truly self-sufficent or adult, even though being a wife and mother has taught me far more self-reliance, accountability, creativity in the face of adversity than any amount of raman noodles and roach infested apartments. Its just totally obnoxious to insist that the path you chose is 100% right and is 100% better than anyone else's.

I have a good friend who lived at home for two years after graduating college. She came and went as she pleased, did whatever she wanted, paid a nominal amount of rent. He parents loved having her at home, and she loved being close to them while starting her career and planning her wedding. She and her now-husband bought thier first house right before thier wedding and put down almost 50% down payment, which enabled her to stay at home with her kids in a few years. She has four kids and they live decently on under 50K. Now tell me how she is somehow less accustomed to udnerstanding the value of a dollar, living without luxuries or being a self-reliant adult. Its just laughable.

Based on my friends/co-workers/aquaintences I see no correlation at all between eventual sucess in marriage/finances/relationships and moving out before, say 25. I know people who stayed home longer who have done awesome in life and I know people who moved out at 19 that turned out to be loosers. Just like everything else in life, moving out younger is no more an gaurantee of eventual independance or intellect than going to college is a gaurantee of eventual financial sucess.

Now don't go injecting logic and reason into this thread!

 

[smartestnumber5]

3. People who've never lived on their own and struggled and are posting from the cozy confines of Mommy and Daddy's house insisting that they are as well rounded as people who have struggled in their lives are just kidding themselves. How would you know? Have you ever struggled? Have you ever faced running out of money and had to solve that problem ON YOUR OWN?

Well I don't believe that this kind of experience--running out of money--is necessary for being a well rounded person. Wouldn't it be ideal to *avoid* that kind of experience? And why think that everyone who has moved out of their parents house in their late teens/early 20s has had that experience?

I guess it depends on what it means to "run out of money." To me running out of money means I cannot pay the bills, I do not have any savings, I do not have available credit to tide me over, the utilities will be shut off, I will be evicted, the repo people will be coming over, etc. I sure hope *that* isn't necessary to be well-rounded! I hope most people are never in that situation!

I am someone who moved out on my own right after college and have been living on a grad student's salary in crappy (but safe, and maintained apartments) since I was 22. But I wouldn't say I ever faced the problem of running out of money. This was partly because I was very lucky. My college scholarship meant I didn't need to contribute to paying for college and was able to work purely for spending money and savings then. I won a fellowship that made the financial constraints of grad school much easier to deal with and I used some of the savings I built up during college to buy a dependable vehicle. Of course, we live pretty cheaply and have always had crappier furniture and all that. But I wouldn't say I've ever really struggled since I've been on my own or worried that I was running out of money.

Actually in some ways my standard of living went up once I was on my own (at least in terms of spending money), because my parents had always been working class just verging on lower middle class. It was while living at home that there were actually times of "struggle."

I suppose I had one year--the year that my grad student stipend was lowest--when I was not keeping good control over my spending and ended up with a few hundred dollars in credit card charges I couldn't pay just then without dipping into savings. I just did a balance transfer to a card that had 0% for a year and paid it off a few months later when my salary was back up to normal. I didn't consider much of a problem (well, it was a sign that I needed to get better control over spending) or a struggle since there was an easy solution.

 

[shortbun]

Mmm, a few things.

1. My good friend has a condo in Cambridge, (boston) massachusetts that she rents to four women who pay 500/month. Cambridge is by no means crappy. So, with some hunting and effort, it is possible, even in high cost of living areas like boston, to find something safe and affordable.

This is just baloney!!! I lived in Boston, 1973, we paid $100 a peice for a walk up. There were four of us. It was in Cambridge. You trying to tell me that there are apartments in Cambridge NOW for $500 that accomodate four?Ha! Wait-what you failed to tell us is that your 'friend' is renting to her daughter, right?! lol!!!

2. To those people who are *****ing that their parents saw them struggling and never lifted a finger to help them out, well, it's their money, not yours. You're an adult. You f*** up, and then resent your parents when they don't come bail you out. You must have figured your way out of it, though, or you wouldn't be posting here, without your parent's help.

Yeah, my parents were mean, mean as dirt. My mother just died and she spent the last three months of her life making amends to me. I'm glad we did the work because I never felt close to her and she was a rigid mean person who finally figured out she had some apologizing to do and some love to give.
I'm grateful for that but her rigidity had nothing to do with making me a strong person and my survival had nothing to do with her meanness and rigidity. I didn't screw up, they did. I paid my own way through college, worked three jobs, starved and I have a real appreciation for what the poor in this country go through because of it. It's why I'm a social liberal. It was their money-exactly and they died without spending it because they were too rigid to be able to do it. Guess who gets it now? Me and Uncle Sam!
3. People who've never lived on their own and struggled and are posting from the cozy confines of Mommy and Daddy's house insisting that they are as well rounded as people who have struggled in their lives are just kidding themselves. How would you know? Have you ever struggled? Have you ever faced running out of money and had to solve that problem ON YOUR OWN?

You're NOT kidding us, we who've Been There, Done That, Earned The Tshirt.

Yeah, well one of MY jobs was making the t-shirt and I didn't get paid much!

Experience and adversity breeds resilience and wisdom. Not extreme abuse and neglect and depravity, but the idea that YOU have to find a way to make things work, that your parents haven't constantly blunted the sometimes hard edge of life for you along the way.

How can you pave your own way in the world when your parents have done all the hard work for you and you're just strolling along on the already made path? Has Paris Hilton ever had to pave? Look how well she's turned out!

I would LOVE to have my daughters always stay with me, but you know what? That's selfish of me, as a parent.

Will I always be there for them, to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on? Absolutely. To do their laundry and co-sign for their new cars?

No way, baby.


eh...I need to moderate this with I think I may have pms.

So what, I'm post menopausal.

 

[bunny]

I might have lived at home too if I could have came and went as I pleased.

 

[sbell111]

... I wouldn't just be doing without luxury. Which I don't even have now. I would be doing without food and without safety. You simply don't know what each person's financial situation is like.

I have been quietly reading this thread without commenting, but I have to object to this statement.

I have been completely on my own since I was 17 years old. I put myself through college and grad school. I reject the idea that I was able to do this because I was somehow privledged while someone else would not be able to.

I stayed in the dorms for half of my freshman year and then moved off campus. Initially, I rented a room in a house full of other college kids. I then shared an off-campus apartment with a friend from school. Finally, I had a string of crappy, but safe, off-campus apartments. They were efficiencies that were completely run down, but they provided what I needed; safe lodging near school. Once I graduated, I took a job in a nearby city and moved to a one bedroom walkup in a collegy area not too far from my job. It was a third floor walk-up, but it had a lot of character. It was also reasonably safe and inexpensive. I moved to Florida to go to grad school and took a cheap one bedroom apartment near campus. It was a struggle to pay the bills and keep my grades up, but you do what you have to do.

 

[sbell111]

Well I don't believe that this kind of experience--running out of money--is necessary for being a well rounded person. Wouldn't it be ideal to *avoid* that kind of experience? And why think that everyone who has moved out of their parents house in their late teens/early 20s has had that experience?

I guess it depends on what it means to "run out of money." To me running out of money means I cannot pay the bills, I do not have any savings, I do not have available credit to tide me over, the utilities will be shut off, I will be evicted, the repo people will be coming over, etc. I sure hope *that* isn't necessary to be well-rounded! I hope most people are never in that situation! ...

I don't think it's the 'running out of money' thing as much as it becoming a necessity to ensure that you don't run out of money. In my opinion, having to come up with the occasional sophisticated bill juggle or imaginitive meal plan is truly part of becoming an adult. Those people that don't ever have to go through that do miss out, in my opinion.

 

[wvjules]

I wouldn't just be doing without luxury. Which I don't even have now. I would be doing without food and without safety.
You simply don't know what each person's financial situation is like. Everyone has something different. But many of you are judging people by your own standards.
"If they live at home as adults, they must be losers" is basically what some of you are saying.

Sounds like you need to get a better paying job.

I don't see any reason for a grown woman to NEED to live at home. Am I going to come out and say adults living at home are losers ? No, but unless there are extenuating circumstances that's probably what I'm going to think to myself.

 

[Mom2Nick]

I don't think it's the 'running out of money' thing as much as it becoming a necessity to ensure that you don't run out of money. In my opinion, having to come up with the occasional sophisticated bill juggle or imaginitive meal plan is truly part of becoming an adult. Those people that don't ever have to go through that do miss out, in my opinion.

Most people have a goal in their live to avoid poverty not seek it out and those that do avoid it are hardly missing out on any necessary life experience.

I have never had to juggle money to pay a bil or resort to creative meal planning yet I am very much an adult and one that has gone through some life altering things that most here will never go through.

 

[sbell111]

Most people have a goal in their live to avoid poverty not seek it out and those that do avoid it are hardly missing out on any necessary life experience.

I have never had to juggle money to pay a bil or resort to creative meal planning yet I am very much an adult and one that has gone through some life altering things that most here will never go through.

Please don't twist my post. I never suggested that one should seek out poverty. I am, however, stating that requiring an adult child to be responsible for him/herself builds a better adult, in my opinion.