When is it time for kids to move out?

[pooh4evr]

I lived at home after college until I got married- my salary as a catholic school teacher was not going to pay for student loans, car, and rent- so I stayed home, my brothers did the same thing until they could afford to buy a condo together, as did my sister, then there is my youngest sister who just moved out at 25 - she nees to still live there though because of finances but doesn't want to he parental oversight. I guess the same thing will happen when our girls are older I know they will have loans to pay back, we will help them when we can parenting isn't over magically when you turn 18, 21 or have a diploma.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Yeah, that's another of those "character building" experiences my kids won't have if I can help it... Not only will I allow them to live at home while saving for a decent residence, I'll subsidize their first car to make sure they are in something safe. It won't be flashy or new, but it'll be reliable and modern enough to have some safety features. Putting a brand new driver in a crappy, unreliable car that predates things like back seat shoulder belts and airbags isn't a rite of passage IMO. It is a pointless risk that I'm not willing to take with my kids.

You're confusing "crappy" with unsafe. The crappy car was a tank, it took all my concentration to drive the tank, I wasn't thinking about showing off or blasting the radio (it didn't work), I was concentrating on driving carefully so my beater wouldn't die.

Lots of crappy neighborhoods, especially in college towns, are safe.

And the whole "unsafe neighborhood" argument is just so baloney. Statistically, in America, your odds of coming to harm in just about any area of the country are very low. We lived on the edge of Liberty City in Miami, in Overtown (y'all who know Miami know where I'm talking about) and NOTHING HAPPENED TO US. We eventually moved over to Coral Gables and found a crappy duplex there, but for a year we lived in one of the statistically most dangerous places in the country and were fine. We learned to be careful, smart, and attentive.


Overall, though, you're perfectly welcome to shelter your kid as much as you want. It's America!

 

[smartestnumber5]

Hmmm...How do you think adults ever have more than 1 child? Do you think that parents shouldn't subject their young children to the sounds of their parents having sex? Should they just get a babysitter and a hotel room every time they want to have sex? Young children also sometimes over hear the intimate details of relationships between their parents.
I was about 6 or 7 when I accidently saw my parents having sex.

I see nothing different than a child being sujected to it than grown adults overhearing it.

Actually as a child/teen I never overheard or saw anything related to sex. I don't know how they managed that when I was a teen, but I was also out of the house a lot by the time I was that age. I assume with a younger child more strategies are available--like wait til 9pm when the kid is asleep like a rock or put the kid in front of a t.v. show they like on Saturday morning.

My parents don't sleep on a 5 year old's schedule. My my mom is an extremely light sleeper. My parents very rarely are out of the house at the same time. They basically live out of their bedroom which shares a wall with mine. So yeah, I fully expect she'd be knocking on the door telling us to keep it down so she could sleep. And as I said before, they would NOT be okay with hearing sex noises even besides sleeping issues. I suppose their view would be that the 5 year old doesn't own the house; if the parents decide to subject their 5 year old to noisy sex, that's their choice. But since my parents own the house I have no doubt that they would refuse to listen to their kids have sex and think they were in the complete right to do so.

*I* am not saying it's wrong to have noisy sex while your parents or kids are overhearing. For me, though I would not want to be having the beginning "I gotta have it right now" period of a relationship to be taking place in the bedroom next door to my parents. We had that part of our relationship while we were both living with roommates (who were also in that period of a new relationship themselves). We spent a lot of time in our bedrooms and used a lot of sound blocking music, but in such close quarters we all still overheard a lot, accidentally saw other people in various states of undress, found the dog with someone else's sexual device in its mouth, found computers with porn scenes in the internet windows, etc.

I admit it--I would not be comfortable with my parents having heard and saw all (or even part) of that. I guess maybe I'm a prude for thinking such kinkiness shouldn't be shared with one's parents. (That's funny, no one has EVER implied that I'm too prudish before! )

It may work for some people and that's fine. I have no objection to others living at home. It just wouldn't work for me.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

That's what most of the people I know around here make now in their early 20's. I certainly don't make much more than that. Rent around here in a BAD area will run you $500-$700, iffy areas $800-$1,000, and good areas $1,000+.

Quentina, my parents have always told my brother and I that they don't want us wasting money on rent. He lived at home and moved out at 28 when he purchased(outright) his own home. I wouldn't trade any experience I've been able/fortunate to have just to be able to say I lived in an apartment in a run down area with a beater car eating ramen noodles. People can survive, and be well rounded individuals, on their own without going through that.

Mmm, a few things.

1. My good friend has a condo in Cambridge, (boston) massachusetts that she rents to four women who pay 500/month. Cambridge is by no means crappy. So, with some hunting and effort, it is possible, even in high cost of living areas like boston, to find something safe and affordable.

2. To those people who are *****ing that their parents saw them struggling and never lifted a finger to help them out, well, it's their money, not yours. You're an adult. You f*** up, and then resent your parents when they don't come bail you out. You must have figured your way out of it, though, or you wouldn't be posting here, without your parent's help.

3. People who've never lived on their own and struggled and are posting from the cozy confines of Mommy and Daddy's house insisting that they are as well rounded as people who have struggled in their lives are just kidding themselves. How would you know? Have you ever struggled? Have you ever faced running out of money and had to solve that problem ON YOUR OWN?

You're NOT kidding us, we who've Been There, Done That, Earned The Tshirt.

Experience and adversity breeds resilience and wisdom. Not extreme abuse and neglect and depravity, but the idea that YOU have to find a way to make things work, that your parents haven't constantly blunted the sometimes hard edge of life for you along the way.

How can you pave your own way in the world when your parents have done all the hard work for you and you're just strolling along on the already made path? Has Paris Hilton ever had to pave? Look how well she's turned out!

I would LOVE to have my daughters always stay with me, but you know what? That's selfish of me, as a parent.

Will I always be there for them, to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on? Absolutely. To do their laundry and co-sign for their new cars?

No way, baby.


eh...I need to moderate this with I think I may have pms.

 

[Mom2Nick]

Mmm, a few things.

1. My good friend has a condo in Cambridge, (boston) massachusetts that she rents to four women who pay 500/month. Cambridge is by no means crappy. So, with some hunting and effort, it is possible, even in high cost of living areas like boston, to find something safe and affordable.

2. To those people who are *****ing that their parents saw them struggling and never lifted a finger to help them out, well, it's their money, not yours. You're an adult. You f*** up, and then resent your parents when they don't come bail you out. You must have figured your way out of it, though, or you wouldn't be posting here, without your parent's help.

3. People who've never lived on their own and struggled and are posting from the cozy confines of Mommy and Daddy's house insisting that they are as well rounded as people who have struggled in their lives are just kidding themselves. How would you know? Have you ever struggled? Have you ever faced running out of money and had to solve that problem ON YOUR OWN?

You're NOT kidding us, we who've Been There, Done That, Earned The Tshirt.



How can you pave your own way in the world when your parents have done all the hard work for you and you're just strolling along on the already made path? Has Paris Hilton ever had to pave? Look how well she's turned out!Experience and adversity breeds resilience and wisdom. Not extreme abuse and neglect and depravity, but the idea that YOU have to find a way to make things work, that your parents haven't constantly blunted the sometimes hard edge of life for you along the way.

I would LOVE to have my daughters always stay with me, but you know what? That's selfish of me, as a parent.

Will I always be there for them, to listen and to be a shoulder to cry on? Absolutely. To do their laundry and co-sign for their new cars?

No way, baby.


eh...I need to moderate this with I think I may have pms.

Sorry but people absolutrely do not NEED to struggle financially in order to be well rounded individuals.

I lived home until I got married at 26. DH lived home as well he was 28. We bought our own home, live well beneath our means but still live a great life.

Our only debt is our mortgage. We never carry any CC debt ever. We have never had two car payments going at any one time and at this point in time we have none.

We own DVC and vacation regularly. We have 3 kids that are well provided for and all have college/life funds established. Our retirement fund is doing great and we have a very nice savings account going.

No I have never in my life faced running out of money but why on earth is that a necessary life lesson? Am I somehow less of a responsible adult because I have never had to survive on ramen noodles?

I earned my adult T-shirt by being the mother of three children, one of which has special needs and I wear THAT shirt with extreme amounts of pride.

There are PLENTY of things in life that mold individuals into responsible adults. Some things come by choice, others come even though it's the last thing you expect. I could have choosen to move out and be poor and struggle for awhile but I didn't see the point. I chose to become a mother but I did not choose to be the mother to a child with special needs but that is the hand I was dealt and I get up every single day and struggle through my life with pure joy. THAT is what makes me survive and be a well rounded individual and the fact that I never CHOSE to move out and be poor takes nothing away from who I have become as an adult.

 

[NotUrsula]

I will concede that there are HUGE variations in the relative cost of housing depending on where you live, but those of you who live in high COL areas don't seem to want to concede that for the most part you make more than those of us doing the same jobs in lower COL areas. Yes, it is harder for you, I know, but I don't think it's quite as impossible as you seem to think.

I think that some posters her may have a skewed idea of what a slum really is. Every city in America has working-class neighborhoods that are not pretty to look at, but are relatively safe if you are sensible about security. In hot climates, you're going to have bugs and lizards to deal with. You may not have central a/c, a w/d hookup, or a parking space, but places that you can afford to rent are out there, and they are not all in slums. Your neighbors will be folks who drive delivery trucks, answer phones, file documents, and mop classrooms; people who have jobs that pay more than minimum wage, but not a lot more.

I live in a large midwestern city -- IN the city, in an 1180 sq.ft. house built in 1934. We bought it in 1994 for $78K with an FHA loan, and it is now paid for. I have a back yard with a 2 car garage at the bottom of it that opens off the alley. I have a city park 4 blocks away where there are baseball and soccer games EVERY night when it's warm out. People walk and jog and garden and push babies in strollers in my neighborhood in the evenings and on the weekends. Rent on a 700 sq.ft 1 bdrm apt. in a 4 family flat, WITH a garage space but without central a/c or a w/d hookup will run you about $570/mo in my neighborhood. We get the occasional car stolen off the street, but there has not to my knowledge been an armed robbery in my neighborhood in the 15 years that I have lived there. (We do occasionally hear about a violent domestic dispute.)

I live in a NICE neighborhood by my lights, and I know others that are just a bit less nice that are within 3 miles from there, and where I would have happily lived as a single woman. You would not believe the number of suburbanites I meet who think I live in an unsafe slum, just because I live inside the city limits. When I moved to this city for a new job, the relocation person that my employer referred me to could not help me find what I wanted in a rental space; all that she had listed were complexes in the suburbs. I got on my bike and I rode around working-class neighborhoods for days, until I found exactly what I was looking for by checking for signs in the windows.

 

[look1angel]

I have my 23 yr old back home...yes back. I want her to go back to school & get a better career. She is currently the Top Server at an Italian resturant but she'll go no where. She's very good at what she does don't get me wrong but she receives no benefits of any kind. (I wish she'd work at Disney, maybe one day, can you say perks )

As long as you're productive & not lying around getting handouts I'd say try to get out on your own before 27. That just sounds like an ideal age to have gotten your act together.

Beside we parents want to have some time to enjoy eachothers company after putting in 20+ years of raising our kids. Heck, grandkids will be following before ya know it

I love my children, but I need my space too.

Now if on the other hand there is a situation where desperate times called for desperate measures I wouldn't hesitate to help them out whether that meant financially or moving back in temporarily.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Sorry but people absolutrely do not NEED to struggle financially in order to be well rounded individuals.

I lived home until I got married at 26. DH lived home as well he was 28. We bought our own home, live well beneath our means but still live a great life.

Our only debt is our mortgage. We never carry any CC debt ever. We have never had two car payments going at any one time and at this point in time we have none.

We own DVC and vacation regularly. We have 3 kids that are well provided for and all have college/life funds established. Our retirement fund is doing great and we have a very nice savings account going.

No I have never in my life faced running out of money but why on earth is that a necessary life lesson? Am I somehow less of a responsible adult because I have never had to survive on ramen noodles?

I earned my adult T-shirt by being the mother of three children, one of which has special needs and I wear THAT shirt with extreme amounts of pride.

There are PLENTY of things in life that mold individuals into responsible adults. Some things come by choice, others come even though it's the last thing you expect. I could have choosen to move out and be poor and struggle for awhile but I didn't see the point. I chose to become a mother but I did not choose to be the mother to a child with special needs but that is the hand I was dealt and I get up every single day and struggle through my life with pure joy. THAT is what makes me survive and be a well rounded individual and the fact that I never CHOSE to move out and be poor takes nothing away from who I have become as an adult.

re: my bold of your question. Facing poverty (and overcoming it) for the first time when you have a family to be responsible for is ten times as stressful and devastating as being a poor, single 20 something with only your own butt to save. Most of us who've been through it as either college students, grad students, our 18 and out of the house, know what it takes to get there and get out! Also, living on a shoe string at any point in one's life I believe creates empathy for others who are in that position.

If you've never been poor and understood what it means to eat ramen soup (although we actually preferred boxed mac and cheese and light chunk tuna as our main meal as grad student ), then I think it can be more difficult to really understand what poverty is about. Volunteering in a soup kitchen and then getting back into your lexus at the end of the day is just not the same.

I think there's a lot of value in experiencing the condition of scarcity, no matter what the cause.

 

[wvjules]

If you all are close enough to live at home, why aren't tyou close enough to be roommates with friends from high school or college friends? Why bother giving the "woo is me, I don't feel safe finding a roommate on criagslist" when you absoutely don't need to.

I would be totally put off by a twenty-something guy living at home. During college, maybe- but as a working adult, no way no how.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

First off, I certainly don't think living at home makes you "the lowest form of life possible" nor have I seen anyone else say anything of the sort. But I (just me, my opinion) do think it is better to take care of yourself and live on your own if possible.
Anyway, you commented on my saying if housing is so costly in your area you may need to move so I feel like I need to clarify.
I did not mean move and commute. I meant find somewhere to live where the cost of living is more in keeping with the wages you can earn (be that entry level in a career or minimum wage woring retail or whatever else) and move there and work there. Yes that is much easier said than done--but it can be done (been there done that). If you (generic you) are wokring at a good job in your field and still can't make it on your own safely in your town then how temporary can your situation of living at home really be? Do you expect wages to suddenly rise or cost of living to suddenly drop? Are you planning on living at home until your parents pass and the inheriting their home? I am not trying to give anyone a hard time--I am genuinely curious as to what the long term plan is if your profession does not pay enough in your area to live in your area.

I also keep seeing reference to "even a one bedroom apartment" from lots of people. Okay, so get a studio (that's what I did) or a 2 or 3 or 4 bedroom and get roomates, etc. Obviously those living at home and their parents are making their decisions and that is fine, I am jsut pointing out htat some of the commnets about how it isn't safely possible are still insisting on a minumum level of comfort (not safety) that is not really the minimum.

Well, since you asked ....!

I moved home some years ago to save money for grad school and out-of-pocket surgery to improve my appearance (serious palate & dental-related issues I was born with). Well - all is well now - got my masters and all my surgery/dental work is done and I look normal for the first time in my adult life. I have a nice job which is technically part-time, and I am waiting for someone to retire (or die ) so I can become full-time (we have people in their 70's still working!). When I am full-time, it will be very easy to afford a nice apartment. So yep - I am stuck waiting in a holding pattern at this point. And the economy scares me - if we have cuts, I would be first. But such is life, you deal.

I have most of my stuff in storage and ready to go when the time is right!

I am probably way older than most people living at home posting on this thread, I admit that. I would LOVE to get out again on my own, but for now, living at home makes the best sense. It works for us.

 

[NotUrsula]

re: my bold of your question. Facing poverty (and overcoming it) for the first time when you have a family to be responsible for is ten times as stressful and devastating as being a poor, single 20 something with only your own butt to save. Most of us who've been through it as either college students, grad students, our 18 and out of the house, know what it takes to get there and get out! Also, living on a shoe string at any point in one's life I believe creates empathy for others who are in that position.

If you've never been poor and understood what it means to eat ramen soup (although we actually preferred boxed mac and cheese and light chunk tuna as our main meal as grad student ), then I think it can be more difficult to really understand what poverty is about. Volunteering in a soup kitchen and then getting back into your lexus at the end of the day is just not the same.

I think there's a lot of value in experiencing the condition of scarcity, no matter what the cause.

Or even getting back into your Taurus! You just cannot be in a position to know what it is like unless you have had to do it at some point; seeing it from the outside, if only a little way outside, is not the same.

My specialty was chicken stew. I used to go down to the "welfare" meat market on the bus and buy whole chickens for $.29/lb. I chopped it and cooked it with store-brand condensed soup, flour, and garlic that I grew in a pot on my window ledge, and poured that over rice. I ate off one chicken for at least a week. You know what? I still eat that same meal around once a week, because it tastes good and my family loves it. (Though I admit that now the chicken is tender white meat instead of stringy old hen, and there are a few add'l veggies in it, too.)

If you have ever seen the film "Sex, Lies and Videotape" then you have seen the apartment that I lived in when I was working full time while in grad school. It was the one where James Spader's character lived, the one with the sheets tacked on the windows, the yellow "fruit" wallpaper in the kitchen, and the furnace in the living room. They used it for the film location right after I moved out. It was 2 bdrm in a duplex with a detached carport, and it cost me $270/month in the late 1980's, when my gross salary for 40 hours a week was $9660/yr. The bonus was that it had two fruit trees in the yard: free food!

 

[Aisling]

I would be totally put off by a twenty-something guy living at home. During college, maybe- but as a working adult, no way no how.

Try not to limit youself because of your opinion, or you'll miss out on a lot of great young 20-somethings out there. Not every guy who still lives at home is a lazy, immature freeloader. Some are being financially smart, having a career/financial goal and lucky enough to have family support getting there.

My son is 23, has a Masters, works, and lives at home, and is saving every extra dime to be a homeowner/condo owner in one of the most expensive cities in the country by age 24. I think even Donald Trump would agree that it's a good financial idea to be able to buy in 3 years instead of 6 years if it means living at home until age 24. Real estate in NYC is very valuable, and I've taught my kids to buy, not rent if they can help it.

 

[jodifla]

Sorry but people absolutrely do not NEED to struggle financially in order to be well rounded individuals.

I lived home until I got married at 26. DH lived home as well he was 28. We bought our own home, live well beneath our means but still live a great life.

Our only debt is our mortgage. We never carry any CC debt ever. We have never had two car payments going at any one time and at this point in time we have none.

We own DVC and vacation regularly. We have 3 kids that are well provided for and all have college/life funds established. Our retirement fund is doing great and we have a very nice savings account going.

No I have never in my life faced running out of money but why on earth is that a necessary life lesson? Am I somehow less of a responsible adult because I have never had to survive on ramen noodles?

I earned my adult T-shirt by being the mother of three children, one of which has special needs and I wear THAT shirt with extreme amounts of pride.

There are PLENTY of things in life that mold individuals into responsible adults. Some things come by choice, others come even though it's the last thing you expect. I could have choosen to move out and be poor and struggle for awhile but I didn't see the point. I chose to become a mother but I did not choose to be the mother to a child with special needs but that is the hand I was dealt and I get up every single day and struggle through my life with pure joy. THAT is what makes me survive and be a well rounded individual and the fact that I never CHOSE to move out and be poor takes nothing away from who I have become as an adult.

It's nice you've had a comfortable, safe life. But really, there's nothing like experience...particularly when it comes to not having enough money.

I've been there, done that several times in my life. I grew up kind of on the edge of middle class -- and we took a real hit when Dad lost his job in the '70s recession....THAT will open your eyes like nothing else.

So if I had the choice to have my son have SOME financial difficulty vs. NEVER having any, I'd pick the having some experience, particularly when the stakes are low (young, single, no kids).

 

[wvjules]

Try not to limit youself because of your opinion, or you'll miss out on a lot of great young 20-somethings out there. Not every guy who still lives at home is a lazy, immature freeloader. Some are being financially smart, having a career/financial goal and lucky enough to have family support getting there.

I'm not in the market for a 20-something guy. But when I was 20-something - living on my own since age 18 - I would find it difficult to date a man that still lived at home.

 

[jodifla]

Hmmm...How do you think adults ever have more than 1 child? Do you think that parents shouldn't subject their young children to the sounds of their parents having sex? Should they just get a babysitter and a hotel room every time they want to have sex? Young children also sometimes over hear the intimate details of relationships between their parents.
I was about 6 or 7 when I accidently saw my parents having sex.

I see nothing different than a child being sujected to it than grown adults overhearing it.



.
.

Must be a different generation. In my day, this absolutely was not done as a kid living at home. Even if you were an adult, you were subject to the rules of the house -- and that meant no boys in bedrooms, and certainly no sex in the house. It would be just unheard of -- no parent in my neighborhood would have put up with this. You'd be out on the street.

And I guess it's why my generation moved out and started their own lives!

 

[Aisling]

I'm not in the market for a 20-something guy. But when I was 20-something - living on my own since age 18 - I would find it difficult to date a man that still lived at home.

Oops, sorry!

 

[monkey68]

I dunno, I don't see why struggling financially has to be a part of becoming a well rounded individual. If your family can help you prevent that, why shouldn't they? I was always raised with the notion that family supports each other any way possible, and if that means financially, that's what you do. I know my parents have both gone hungry, and I always kind of assumed it was natural to want better for your kids than what you had. When I was in college, my meal plan ran out, and my mom through an absolute fit when she found out I was eating Ramen and food from the dollar store. I was too proud to ask her for money, so I was using the cash from my work study. My mom, I never saw her so angry. And I just can't see my mom allowing me to move out on my own if it means I'm eating Ramen every night.

At the same time, I still consider myself to be a well rounded individual and I consider myself fortunate that I don't need to struggle to find something to eat, or struggle to make the choice between paying for bills or paying for food. There is no way my family would ever allow that to happen, and when I have kids, I plan to do the same. It's not sheltering, it's helping them out. And if my parents ever need help and I'm in the position to do so, I would be more than willing to help them, that's just what we do. Maybe it is a European way of thinking, but I wouldn't be anything without my family. So if a person is going to think less of me because I am moving back home, and I never had to sleep on a bare mattress on the floor or eat Ramen every night, so be it. When I have kids, I probably wouldn't let them do that either. I'm not saying it's wrong, I just don't think that it's a necessary part of being an adult.

 

[pearlieq]

But when I was 20-something - living on my own since age 18 - I would find it difficult to date a man that still lived at home.

I agree. I was in the market for man--a grown up, independent, abmitious, self-reliant man. I was offering the same as a woman and I wouldn't have settled for any less.

I didn't want to date his entire family. I didn't want our comings and goings to be anyone's business but ours. I didn't want him constantly running to his parents for advice and bailouts. I didn't want him expecting that someone else would provide for him. I didn't want to wonder if he'd be able to face adversity on his own.

When I found him, the fact that he had his own apartment was hot. It's obviously not the only reason we fell in love, but it sure was attractive. It was one of many signs that he was the kind of guy I was looking for.

The nice thing about it is that there's someone for everyone. While I wouldn't date a guy who lived with his parents after college, other people might be OK with that.

 

[bluesaturn]

There is absolutely no guarantee that those living outside their parents houses are useful members of society. Or that they will even learn the life skills needed to manage their own home. My boyfriend lived with people who still squandered their parents' money, didn't pay their bills to the point of utilities being paid off, didn't manage to finish college on time with ridiculously easy majors. I had classmates who lived with their parents, had good jobs, graduated early with difficult majors, and make good money. I know people who live on their own without their parents help, and they still waste all their money on stupid stuff they don't need and have nothing in savings. Think of all the middle aged adults with children that come on this board and talk about how they have no money because they went on 7 Disney trips this year.

I do live on my own and will continue to. But I know it's not the financially smart thing to do. I could live with my parents and not throw away money on overpriced rent. I'm living in my own apartment because I like the freedom.

 

[wvjules]

And I just can't see my mom allowing me to move out on my own if it means I'm eating Ramen every night.

At age 24(?) I can't imagine asking for permission to be ALLOWED to move out.

Yes, everyone wants better for their children than they had. However many of us didn't have it that bad. Having roommates, driving older cars, working through college doesn't make a hard life for anyone. I look back fondly on those carefree days of being a young independant woman. I wouldn't have it any other way.