When is it time for kids to move out?

[shortbun]

I don't think anyone has said they would want their kids to live in an unsafe place or use credit for groceries.

I never did either of those things. I lived with roommates in a basic apartment and did without luxury. Others have talked about the same things. I'm not sure how you're getting unsafe and unable to eat from that.

Some of my apartments were unsafe AND I had to use credit cards to buy food. I'd live on white bread, pasta, butter and eggs for weeks at a time. I stole ketsup packets and toilet paper rolls from restaurants. Seriously. My parents HAD to have known I was in trouble but didn't lift a finger. It happens.

 

[Uuaww]

I take home about $2000 a month after taxes (thankfully no federal income tax in the VI). And I would say I am doing alright. Rent is approx. $800 a month incl. utilities and I spend between $100-$125 a week on food. I save probably about $500 a month. Luckily for me, or unlucky depending how you see it... I work a ton of overtime.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I admit I am guilty. I don't want to live in a slum.

Maybe this is very regional, but that's exactly what the choices come down to in my area. If I want an affordable apartment, I have to look in the "bad' areas - no if ands or buts. There aren't really basic no-frills small apartments in good areas - just doesn't work that way (the good areas don't want the type of people who can only afford small rents!! lol). Location is everything.

Another poster said if there is nothing affordable, then move. Around here, to find rents under $1000 a month, I would be looking at over an hour and half commute to work in traffic. The gas alone would kill any savings.

Sometimes this comes down to the lesser of two evils - live with parents (and be the lowest form of life possible ), or live on your own in a slum fearing your safety. Of course, I choose to live at home then, since that situation works for my family. There is so much more at play than "entitlement" syndrome. Each situation is different.

First off, I certainly don't think living at home makes you "the lowest form of life possible" nor have I seen anyone else say anything of the sort. But I (just me, my opinion) do think it is better to take care of yourself and live on your own if possible.
Anyway, you commented on my saying if housing is so costly in your area you may need to move so I feel like I need to clarify.
I did not mean move and commute. I meant find somewhere to live where the cost of living is more in keeping with the wages you can earn (be that entry level in a career or minimum wage woring retail or whatever else) and move there and work there. Yes that is much easier said than done--but it can be done (been there done that). If you (generic you) are wokring at a good job in your field and still can't make it on your own safely in your town then how temporary can your situation of living at home really be? Do you expect wages to suddenly rise or cost of living to suddenly drop? Are you planning on living at home until your parents pass and the inheriting their home? I am not trying to give anyone a hard time--I am genuinely curious as to what the long term plan is if your profession does not pay enough in your area to live in your area.

I also keep seeing reference to "even a one bedroom apartment" from lots of people. Okay, so get a studio (that's what I did) or a 2 or 3 or 4 bedroom and get roomates, etc. Obviously those living at home and their parents are making their decisions and that is fine, I am jsut pointing out htat some of the commnets about how it isn't safely possible are still insisting on a minumum level of comfort (not safety) that is not really the minimum.

 

[MizTink]

I think it's definitely cultural.

I come from a group that is known for putting family first in all things. We do not put our kids out and to have a child leave the home before being self sufficient borders on scandal/neglect on the part of the parents... and they'll be shunned for it. In turn, we care for our elderly members and often bring them to live with us when they can't care for themselves any longer, to put an aging family member into a home is a last resort. My own in-laws live next door and in general, families try to stay near each other for support in child rearing etc. This sort of behavior is set into my culture's very fabric and insures that each generation achieves a little more success than the one before it. Of course, there are those that go another way but by and large this is how it goes. I am of European decent.

As for my kids, as long as they keep pulling straight A's they will get cars, a roof over their heads, and an education, spending money (school IS a job), help buying a house and me as a baby sitter whenever they need me. IF, however, they want to goof off instead they will get a place to live and no more, obviously the goal here is to improve their standard of living- not subsidize it.... but my grand kids will get the same contract as my own even if their parents turn out to be less than stellar. That's the contract.

that way of thinking is what's missing in american culture.
i associate with a lot of people from other countries and this is the general way of life where they are from. we have had many discussions about how strange it is that, in america, kids are put out so young and older parents are so neglected. it's sad......

 

[Blueeyes101817]

I am 24 and my brother is 22 and we both still live at home. We both work full time jobs (my brother works 2) and we are in no way lazy. I clean the house so my mom doesnt have to and my brother does the "outside work" There is no way that I can afford an apartment in a safe area by myself and I would love to get one with a roommate, but most ofm y friends are engaged, married, or living with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I offered to pay rent to my parents but they were insulted. My brother and I buy our own things.

 

[PatsGirl]

I did not read all 7 pages of replies so my apologies I started cluing DS19 into my expectations of when he would leave home when he first started high school. My "rule" was/is you can stay home the summer of graduating from high school until that Labor Day Weekend. At that point, you have options ~ 1) college and you can either commute and live at home or come home on holidays and for the summer (but must go full time either way); 2) military, or 3) get your own apartment. He did ask whether he could stay home if he worked full-time and my answer was No. I did tell him, however, that if his intention was to start building a horticulture business and was going to put all his time and effort into building that business I might reconsider. He is now in the Air Force and very, very happy

My daughter will bear the same expectations. I think our children need to show motivation to start their own lives once they complete high school. I see far too many kids living at home, working 30 hours/week, driving new cars, having all the best electronics, and Mom/Dad both working 40+ hours, driving a junk, and struggling to keep their heads above water because they are essentially still providing for their grown children. Not in my house.

Of course, there are many variables to the situation but this is my answer for a child who is capable of higher education and/or hard work and doesn't have other issues to consider. Lack of motivation isn't an option.

 

[MushyMushy]

My husband and I were raised very differently on this. He was expected to either move out right at 18 or to pay rent to his mother -- and the going rate for rent, not just a token payment. I'm, to this day, appalled at the conditions he had to live in at home. He was paying her $400 a month (going rate for a room at that time) and living in a back basement room that was unfinished, had no insulation, and had live electrical cords hanging inches from his head. I wouldn't put my dogs in a room like that one was. She was supposedly putting half the rent into a savings account for when he was ready to move out, but that never happened.

I, on the other hand, lived at home until I got married at 27. I would have moved out sooner, but I'd gotten pregnant and couldn't have supported my child on the money I was making at the time. My parents didn't charge a dime in rent.

So he and I have vastly different views on the subject. My son graduates today so it's going to be interesting these next few months to see how this goes. I won't charge him rent, although I do expect him to chip in as far as helping around the house, which he's always been good at. My husband has already started grumbling a bit.

 

[quentina]

My neighbor lived at home until 24. He purchased the home next to me at this age.

He told me his parents said..stay home, live your life and buy a house..don't waste money on rent.

He put $60,000 down on the house.

I told my kids to stay home and do the same thing. Granted, they are only 11,7 and 5 so, I may change my mind.

 

[wvjules]

I am 24 and my brother is 22 and we both still live at home. We both work full time jobs (my brother works 2) and we are in no way lazy. I clean the house so my mom doesnt have to and my brother does the "outside work" There is no way that I can afford an apartment in a safe area by myself and I would love to get one with a roommate, but most ofm y friends are engaged, married, or living with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I offered to pay rent to my parents but they were insulted. My brother and I buy our own things.

Why don't you and your brother be roommates? That sounds like an ideal situation to me.

I moved out at 18 and wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.

 

[shortbun]

I did not read all 7 pages of replies so my apologies I started cluing DS19 into my expectations of when he would leave home when he first started high school. My "rule" was/is you can stay home the summer of graduating from high school until that Labor Day Weekend. At that point, you have options ~ 1) college and you can either commute and live at home or come home on holidays and for the summer (but must go full time either way); 2) military, or 3) get your own apartment. He did ask whether he could stay home if he worked full-time and my answer was No. I did tell him, however, that if his intention was to start building a horticulture business and was going to put all his time and effort into building that business I might reconsider. He is now in the Air Force and very, very happy

My daughter will bear the same expectations. I think our children need to show motivation to start their own lives once they complete high school. I see far too many kids living at home, working 30 hours/week, driving new cars, having all the best electronics, and Mom/Dad both working 40+ hours, driving a junk, and struggling to keep their heads above water because they are essentially still providing for their grown children. Not in my house.

Of course, there are many variables to the situation but this is my answer for a child who is capable of higher education and/or hard work and doesn't have other issues to consider. Lack of motivation isn't an option.

Your plan would never work in my house. It's WAAAAAY too rigid for me to even wrap my brain around. BTW, any grownups struggling to keep their heads above water with a 20 year old living at home didn't plan very well and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that they have a child at home.

 

[Alyssa88]

I moved away for college at 17, came back for two summers. At 19 I got an off campus place and have not lived with them since. (Although, I totally go there for free food and cable/internet acess sometimes).

I had to work full time (while going to school full-time and managing an entire research study) in order to do it, but it was worth it. Now I have graduated college and while most kids are stressing out about the "real world", I find holding my full-time job and the research to be a nice break.

It just depends on the person, I guess, and their families view on it. My parents would have allowed me to stay there rent free (as long as I was in school, otherwise they would have wanted rent, understandably). I could move back now, but since I am no longer in school I would be paying rent. \

I know a guy who lives at home and he is 26 years old. He does work but his parents don't make him pay rent. He just uses his money on his car, cell phones, etc. I get slightly annoyed by that.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

I wouldn't of wanted to move out of my parents house when I did if it meant going into mountains of debt and/or living in a dangerous neighborhood. I waited until I had my bills maintained, and could afford to live in a semi-nice part of town.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yep, my numbers look as bad!!! If I want an apartment not in a slum, I am looking at spending 60% of my take-home pay, and I have a decent job, too! In my area, you really need to make over $50,000 a year to truly afford a one-bedroom where you don't worry about being mugged or your car stolen every night! Housing costs are insane.

I could do it, living on only 40% of my take-home pay after rent, but most apartments would never rent to anyone scrapping the barrel that badly!

For many of us, it truly is a choice between safety vs. "living on your own".

There is a happy medium - a roomate, in an iffy area. When I graduated college, I got a 2 bedroom apartment in a less desirable town, close to where I grew up, but not as scary as a neighboring town, with a roomate. After a couple of years, I moved to another iffy town, and got myself a 2 room apartment ($650, almost 20 years ago, my salary was $23,000). I live in an area with one of the highest COL in the nation.

I now am back in my original town, a homeowner. I think living on your own is a part of life that many people are missing out on totally these days.

 

[disykat]

When my husband was a young engineer he rented a very small, furnished apartment in a small complex near his workplace. Then he worked his way upwards.

His young co-worker, same place of employment and approx. salary with COL adjustments, just rented a two bedroom apartment. It is in a large complex with all the amenities, and she went out and bought brand new furniture - including a full set of furniture for the "guest bedroom." She lives in a different town, so her commute is 30 miles each way. She has huge financial problems and recently had to live with a co-worker (parental figures) for about 6 months to straighten them out. Yet, the minute she had enough money to put deposits down.... it's like watching a train wreck.

THAT'S what many of us are talking about.

Disclaimer: Posting this story doesn't mean I'm accusing everyone who lives with their parents of being exactly like her. I'm simply trying to illustrate what some of us are talking about. We're not talking about sending young people out to starve on the streets. We're suggesting that, in our experience, we see people expecting to keep a higher standard of living at all times, contrary to in the past, where young people were pretty much expected to live on tight budgets when they first started out.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

After a couple of years, I moved to another iffy town, and got myself a 2 room apartment ($650, almost 20 years ago, my salary was $23,000). I live in an area with one of the highest COL in the nation.

That's what most of the people I know around here make now in their early 20's. I certainly don't make much more than that. Rent around here in a BAD area will run you $500-$700, iffy areas $800-$1,000, and good areas $1,000+.

Quentina, my parents have always told my brother and I that they don't want us wasting money on rent. He lived at home and moved out at 28 when he purchased(outright) his own home. I wouldn't trade any experience I've been able/fortunate to have just to be able to say I lived in an apartment in a run down area with a beater car eating ramen noodles. People can survive, and be well rounded individuals, on their own without going through that.

 

[jodifla]

I notice this too....back in the 70s and early 80s, you moved onto your own place when you got out of college. It was rare to have anyone return home. Nobody wanted to...we all wanted to live together and start our adult lives.

I lived at home for 3 months after I graduated. I got a professional job in my hometown, so I could have stayed at home, but frankly, I couldn't WAIT to leave.

For me, at 22, it was time to GET MY LIFE GOING. Not to revert to being a high-schooler, which I could definitely see happening in my case. The dynamics were also very different -- I was an adult now, and I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Including late nights and good times. I would have driven my mother crazy with worry. It was best to be out on my own.

I lived with my best friend from 5th grade for two years right after college. It was GREAT! I think young adults miss alot when they go straight from their parents house into being married, although I realize for many, it's a cultural thing.

 

[bunny]

I went away to college after high school and other than a few short stints between sememsters (not for the whole summer) I never lived at home again. I loved my independence. My father is very strict and conversative. If you lived in his house, you followed his rules. Even after I graduated from college, if I was staying at home, I had to be in by 10 on the weekdays and 11 on the weekends. That is when my parents went to bed. I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room and be alone in the house with boys. I wasn't allowed to go on vacations or spent the night at my boyfriend's house. I had to do chores. Basically my parents still treated me like a child which I guess I was since I depended on them financially. When I was in college, I lived in the dorms. After graduating I lived in a studio apartment. Then my friend and I shared a house.

So I think the reason I never wanted to live at home was because my parents had so many rules. Somehow I survived and did really well living on my own. It taught me how to budget and how to take care of myself. I already told my son I expect him to live away from home when he goes to college. Living on your own even when your parents are paying for it like in the dorm is a great experience.

 

[jodifla]

I went away to college after high school and other than a few short stints between sememsters (not for the whole summer) I never lived at home again. I loved my independence. My father is very strict and conversative. If you lived in his house, you followed his rules. Even after I graduated from college, if I was staying at home, I had to be in by 10 on the weekdays and 11 on the weekends. That is when my parents went to bed. I wasn't allowed to have boys in my room and be alone in the house with boys. I wasn't allowed to go on vacations or spent the night at my boyfriend's house. I had to do chores. Basically my parents still treated me like a child which I guess I was since I depended on them financially. When I was in college, I lived in the dorms. After graduating I lived in a studio apartment. Then my friend and I shared a house.

So I think the reason I never wanted to live at home was because my parents had so many rules. Somehow I survived and did really well living on my own. It taught me how to budget and how to take care of myself. I already told my son I expect him to live away from home when he goes to college. Living on your own even when your parents are paying for it like in the dorm is a great experience.

Yes, this was key for me and many of my friends! My sense today is that parents don't have these rules for kids who live at home, so they don't feel the need to rush out so they can have their freedom like we had to!!!!!

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Well I guess different strokes for different folks.

I'm not at all embarrassed to talk about sex or relationships with or around my parents. (I'm not sure *they* feel the same way. Guess they shouldn't be having sex then! )

But I have no doubt that my parents would not accept having to experience the audio of their kids' sex lives and I don't blame them for that! And there's no way they'd let my significant other move in (though they have no problem with us cohabitating) just because of the smallness of the house.

I also think that many of the intimate details of a relationship should stay intimate--not be open for discussion amongst one's entire family--and I would always feel like someone was overhearing (because usually someone is) if I was living in such close quarters with my parents.

So it's not for me, though it seems to work for others.

Hmmm...How do you think adults ever have more than 1 child? Do you think that parents shouldn't subject their young children to the sounds of their parents having sex? Should they just get a babysitter and a hotel room every time they want to have sex? Young children also sometimes over hear the intimate details of relationships between their parents.
I was about 6 or 7 when I accidently saw my parents having sex.

I see nothing different than a child being sujected to it than grown adults overhearing it.

I don't think anyone has said they would want their kids to live in an unsafe place or use credit for groceries.

I never did either of those things. I lived with roommates in a basic apartment and did without luxury. Others have talked about the same things. I'm not sure how you're getting unsafe and unable to eat from that.

As many of you are saying that you have to move out either at 18 or after school, this is what the situation would put many of us in.

I wouldn't just be doing without luxury. Which I don't even have now. I would be doing without food and without safety.
You simply don't know what each person's financial situation is like. Everyone has something different. But many of you are judging people by your own standards.
"If they live at home as adults, they must be losers" is basically what some of you are saying.

Sometimes this comes down to the lesser of two evils - live with parents (and be the lowest form of life possible ), or live on your own in a slum fearing your safety. Of course, I choose to live at home then, since that situation works for my family. There is so much more at play than "entitlement" syndrome. Each situation is different.

Precisely.

First off, I certainly don't think living at home makes you "the lowest form of life possible" nor have I seen anyone else say anything of the sort. But I (just me, my opinion) do think it is better to take care of yourself and live on your own if possible.

No one has to say those exact words. But, the way many of you talking, it's makes many people feel that you think that way.

Anyway, you commented on my saying if housing is so costly in your area you may need to move so I feel like I need to clarify.
I did not mean move and commute. I meant find somewhere to live where the cost of living is more in keeping with the wages you can earn (be that entry level in a career or minimum wage woring retail or whatever else) and move there and work there. Yes that is much easier said than done--but it can be done (been there done that). If you (generic you) are wokring at a good job in your field and still can't make it on your own safely in your town then how temporary can your situation of living at home really be? Do you expect wages to suddenly rise or cost of living to suddenly drop? Are you planning on living at home until your parents pass and the inheriting their home? I am not trying to give anyone a hard time--I am genuinely curious as to what the long term plan is if your profession does not pay enough in your area to live in your area.

I also keep seeing reference to "even a one bedroom apartment" from lots of people. Okay, so get a studio (that's what I did) or a 2 or 3 or 4 bedroom and get roomates, etc. Obviously those living at home and their parents are making their decisions and that is fine, I am jsut pointing out htat some of the commnets about how it isn't safely possible are still insisting on a minumum level of comfort (not safety) that is not really the minimum.

Not all people can get up and move to a new city or part of the country. Just because some have done it successfully doesn't mean everyone can.
My dad is now also getting to the point where I'm needing to help him more. He's still working and still fairly healthy at almost 67, even after a heart attack. But, there are some things that I still need to do for him.

Your plan would never work in my house. It's WAAAAAY too rigid for me to even wrap my brain around. BTW, any grownups struggling to keep their heads above water with a 20 year old living at home didn't plan very well and it has NOTHING to do with the fact that they have a child at home.

Sometimes plans get taken out of the equation. Many times from illness, loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, etc. Try having all 3 of those situations plus more happen. It does happen quite often. My dad has had to cope with all the above and then some.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I don't consider my comments romanticized. We actually had fun living there.

Lots of friends, all in the same boat. We only stayed there a yr and moved out into a duplex. However it was good to get out and see you could make it on your own.

Heck my sister has 2 places she lived in that were worse. One was a converted garage and the other was a slanted house.

Then again we did not come from a fancy homes and it didn't seem like it was "awful" to us.

Maybe that is the difference.

Well your apartment doesn't sound that bad. Although, I really would not be able to live without a phone (at least not in an era without internet). I absolutely hate talking on the phone and avoid it if at all possible, but I live 600 miles away from any family members. My mother would buy me a phone and pay for it herself before she'd let me live halfway across the country with no way to get in touch with me.

But I do think there are limits (at least for me) to what kinds of crappy apartment issues can be fun or growing experiences. Someone else mentioned a sewage backup in the bathroom which I always had in my first apartment. It makes a funny story now, but digging and scrubbing other people's poop out of our bathtub was not fun or a growing experience for me. Of course the apartment where that happened was a fine place, though extremely small. We couldn't have known that was going to happen (apparently some tenant was flushing unflushable cat litter down the toilet which is what caused the backup). I'm just saying for me *if* living on my own would mean six years (which his how long my salary has been flat while in grad school) living with a continual sewage backup problem, or only able to eat ramen noodles, or having no phone would be a pretty big motivator to stay living with my parents (if that was possible).

As it is I have not had such problems (other than the sewage thing and we moved out of there shortly after). I did what other posters have suggested. Got a small but okay apartment with a roommate for awhile. Then got a rundown but cheap apartment in an area that is ugly but perfectly fine, though people often say it is unsafe, with my GF when we were ready to move in together. It's definitely not luxury, but it's not falling apart either--it's livable for six years.



On another topic, it's interesting to me that many people are talking about the traditional advice that renting is wasting money. I've heard this a lot too in the past, though since I was moving to a new state right after college, there was no possibility of doing anything but renting. I know a number of people who really got screwed over listening to this advice (usually from parents) though with the housing market as it is. I know grad students who had significant inheritance and their parents encouraged them to buy a house using that as the downpayment while in grad school because then instead of paying rent, one would be paying the mortgage. So two sets of friends bought around 2005. Fast forward to now. Their done or almost done with grad school. In order to get a job or allow the other partner to do their post-grad education, they've had to move. And now they each have a house that they can't sell (because they'd owe money on it). So now they've become landlords, renting out the house while they themselves are back to renting again where they've moved.

I guess it's a different story if you know for sure you're committed to staying in one area/house for at least a decade or more.