When is it time for kids to move out?

[lisajl]

My DD is 23 and I can't wait for her to move out. I love her, I do, but she is making me crazy! We just had a talk about this last night. She is still in school and while she is, she can stay here. But, I had to lay down the law again, on how things work around here.
Now that she understands (again), I think we will be fine for a while. We are hoping she will be done with college next year. she did not start until she was 19, real close to 20.

Lisa

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Well I wasn't the person who said I wouldn't date someone who lived with their family (though it would give me pause depending on the reasons). But my first thought is how do you have a sex life (or even an intimate conversation or work through a serious conflict you're having in your relationship) with your parents living right outside your bedroom door?

My parents had this problem with my brother when he was home from college during one summer. One day my parents were going about their business (walking in the hallway leading to their bedroom) and heard the squeaking of bed springs coming from my brother's room when he and his gf were in there in the middle of the afternoon. My mom told him she didn't appreciate him doing it in the middle of the day when my dad and she could overhear. Apparently after that he and the gf went down to the basement. Now it's one thing to be scolded by your parents for having sex when you're 20 and just home from college for a few months. But at 22, 25, 30--no way!

Seriously I do wonder how this issue gets handled when people in their 20s and even 30s are still living at home. Do the parents still put rules on the kid--no sex in the house? no sleepovers? If the 25 year old brings someone home on the first date, do the parents meet him/her at breakfast the next morning--"Morning Mom. This is my one-night stand from last night"? If you're having an important conversation about where your relationship is going, do you have to leave the house so mom and dad aren't hearing everything in the very next room? (Can you tell I grew up in a small house with a very loud family.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with living at home in one's mid and late 20s. But I was extremely happy to have some privacy and the ability to do things my way when I left home. It was hard to be back even over summer breaks and I felt I was constrained in ways I hadn't been living on my own at college. I wouldn't want to go back to that constrained feeling which I assume is what would happen if I were seriously involved with someone who still lived with their parents.

Neither I nor my sister had problems as adults dating men. Heck, my parents let my sister's boyfriend move in. I was only about 12. I had quite a few conversations with my ex-fiance while living at home.
It's a point of recognizing that we're all adults and not being embarrassed about what goes on in a relationship. If you can't talk comfortably about sex and relationships around your parents, then you shouldn't be having relationships and sex.

And the only things my parents (now my dad) asks is for me to let him know what's going on and not have any wild parties (which is not my thing anyway).

 

[Aisling]

My son is 23, just completed his Masters Degree, and still lives at home. He lived at home for college, too. He works, pays his own bills, does his own laundry, and has a girlfriend that I allow into his room with the door closed. He can't wait to move out and get his own place, and almost has enough saved to buy a condo. Since he has his freedom, and we all get along, it makes sense for him to save the money he would use to rent an apartment and use it to be a residence-owner by next year. Every one of his close friends also live at home and are saving to buy. We live in an expensive city, and it makes sense to continue to help him achieve his goal.

He's lucky he has a supportive family for this, as my sister has basically told her kids that once they move out for college they are on their own and must get their own place to live when they gradute. She says it's to make them "grow up". I know my son will soon enough be on his own with the struggles of a mortgage and responsibilities in the "grown up" world, so why make him struggle at 23 when we can help him achieve his goal?

 

[jessily]

After I started college at 18 I never lived at home again (I'm 25 now) and always paid for housing myself after my freshman year. My sister graduated from HS in 2004 and a lot of her friends have been out of college for a year now and are back at home and can't find jobs. I feel bad for some of them since the job market is obviously pretty slim right now, but some of them I think would be back at home not working anyway.

I'm considering moving home for a few months between leaving PA and finding my own place in NJ. My parents live 2 miles from my office and have invited me many times to live with them. I know we would drive each other crazy at times, but I think it would be worth it. If I lived at home for 6 months I could finish paying off my student loans with the extra money saved on not paying rent. I would of course pay for food and offer to chip in for utilities and other expenses.

I think it definitely depends on the culture of where you live. I don't see anything wrong with a motivated 20-something year old living at home temporarily in order to help their future or until they get married (as long as the parents are okay with it and aren't being taken advantage of).

 

[pearlieq]

Unless there's a good reason (still in school, caring for ill parents, etc.) I don't like the idea of adults living with their parents.

Kids need to grow up and cut the cord. They need to establish their own life and succeed and fail on their own, with encouragement from their family, but not subsidy.

Establishing your own household is an important step in becoming an adult. When I hear people say they "can't afford" to move out, it usually means they can't afford to move out to a situation that is as comfortable as they feel entitled.

I can understand why a cushy set up at Mom & Dad's looks better than 3 roommates in a two bedroom apartment, or a tiny studio and ramen, but at some point you need the self respect that comes with supporting yourself and being responsible for your own upkeep.

I realize not everyone agrees, but I'm very much against this protracted adolescence that seems to be popular these days. I would never have dated anyone who lived with their parents after school and to be honest I don't take people who do as seriously as I take people who are standing on their own two feet.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I'm 27 and live at home. I have a full time job and a dog that I take full responsibility for. I buy my own groceries and pay for all of my own stuff. My parents are well off and love having me home (so they tell me all of the time). I love being there. I am working on getting out of debt and saving up for a down payment for a house. I moved to Cincy for 2 years and it felt good to know, when the time comes, I am able to take care of myself. I truly treasure these years I get to spend with my parents.

 

[C.Ann]

I don't think it's a cultural thing totally. I sometimes think it's a spoiled thing mostly. I could absoutely state that I wouldn't date someone that was a professional but still lived at home at 26 or 27. That shouts dependent to me.

I'm not sure why someone in their mid 20s with a good job would want to live at home. I think it's because they don't want to have their lifestyle suffer. The person might have to live in a tiny apartment or even have a roommate. The person might not go out and about as much and may have to learn to cook and stay in. A 20 something at home doesn't pay the home bills and most don't even do their own laundry or clean up after themselves. I just think at some point a person needs to move out and be an independent person living on their own. You really learn alot about yourself when you are responsible for everything.

I'll never forget one time after college, a friend of mine was dating a guy that lived with his parents. For whatever reason, she ended up at his house. He still had his twin bed, with his kiddie sheets and his mom offered to make pancakes for his friend sleeping over. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship lol.

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I agree - unless it's a "cultural" thing.. DD's MIL is Greek and it was their custom that everyone (male and female alike) remain in the home to work for the parents in the family business - as well as carry their weight within the home - until they married..

 

[smartestnumber5]

Neither I nor my sister had problems as adults dating men. Heck, my parents let my sister's boyfriend move in. I was only about 12. I had quite a few conversations with my ex-fiance while living at home.
It's a point of recognizing that we're all adults and not being embarrassed about what goes on in a relationship. If you can't talk comfortably about sex and relationships around your parents, then you shouldn't be having relationships and sex.

And the only things my parents (now my dad) asks is for me to let him know what's going on and not have any wild parties (which is not my thing anyway).

Well I guess different strokes for different folks.

I'm not at all embarrassed to talk about sex or relationships with or around my parents. (I'm not sure *they* feel the same way. Guess they shouldn't be having sex then! )

But I have no doubt that my parents would not accept having to experience the audio of their kids' sex lives and I don't blame them for that! And there's no way they'd let my significant other move in (though they have no problem with us cohabitating) just because of the smallness of the house.

I also think that many of the intimate details of a relationship should stay intimate--not be open for discussion amongst one's entire family--and I would always feel like someone was overhearing (because usually someone is) if I was living in such close quarters with my parents.

So it's not for me, though it seems to work for others.

 

[Arielle22]

I did not attend college right after high school. My sister and I moved in together when I was 18. DH and I married when I was 20 and we lived with my mom for about 9 months during the second yr of marriage.

Since then we have been on our own.

I think the circumstances depend on whether I would let my dds live at home when they are older. DD16 cannot wait to move out. DD14 hasn't given it much thought.

I will say that if they live at home I would not allow boyfriends in their bedrooms so that may make it unappealing for them.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I'm 27 and live at home. I have a full time job and a dog that I take full responsibility for. I buy my own groceries and pay for all of my own stuff. My parents are well off (only saying this as if it was a financial burden to have me home I wouldn't be there) and love having me home (so they tell me all of the time). I love being there. I am working on getting out of debt and saving up for a down payment for a house. I moved to Cincy for 2 years and it felt good to know, when the time comes, I am able to take care of myself. I truly treasure these years I get to spend with my parents.

Oh and my bf and I don't believe in living together before marriage so it's nice to be able to save up for a wedding too

 

[Colleen27]

Seriously I do wonder how this issue gets handled when people in their 20s and even 30s are still living at home. Do the parents still put rules on the kid--no sex in the house? no sleepovers? If the 25 year old brings someone home on the first date, do the parents meet him/her at breakfast the next morning--"Morning Mom. This is my one-night stand from last night"? If you're having an important conversation about where your relationship is going, do you have to leave the house so mom and dad aren't hearing everything in the very next room? (Can you tell I grew up in a small house with a very loud family.)

I think the answers to that would depend upon the family dynamics, the size and layout of the home, and a million other things.

For us, there would still be rules for my older two regarding sex/sleepovers. Not an absolute prohibition, but definitely a "no one night stands" rule because we'll still have a fairly young child at home when the older two are in their post-college years (there's 10.5 years between our oldest & youngest) and I wouldn't want them modeling casual sex to her. But as far as privacy goes, I don't see that being an issue since we have a fairly large home and plenty of ways to configure it so that we wouldn't all be on top of one another... If we were still in the 1200sq ft ranch we just moved out of, yeah, I think awkward would be an understatement!

 

[lovemygoofy]

I apologize for those I offended. I did not mean those in school or starting off. Every 20 something I know that lives at home simply does not want to move out because it's too difficult. I wasn't trying to make a blanket statement and I do sincerely apologize for those I offended.

The reason I stated I wouldn't date someone living at home because of logistics. I wouldn't always want that person at my home and I found that alot of the men that were in their mid 20s and still at home were very dependant on their parents for upkeep of house or even spending money even though they had their own job.

 

[moon]

It's cultural allright. In latin America people live with their parents until marriage

My two uncles did. They moved out when they married and they were both married to the same woman until they died. One of them made a very nice living as a lawyer with a stay at home wife. The other one worked shoulder-to-shoulder with his wife and made it work. Living at home until marriage didn't "spoil" them in any way.

In those cultures the American way to move out of your parents home as soon as you can is seen as a very bizarre custom.

 

[bubie2.5]

My son is 23, just completed his Masters Degree, and still lives at home. He lived at home for college, too. He works, pays his own bills, does his own laundry, and has a girlfriend that I allow into his room with the door closed. He can't wait to move out and get his own place, and almost has enough saved to buy a condo. Since he has his freedom, and we all get along, it makes sense for him to save the money he would use to rent an apartment and use it to be a residence-owner by next year. Every one of his close friends also live at home and are saving to buy. We live in an expensive city, and it makes sense to continue to help him achieve his goal.

He's lucky he has a supportive family for this, as my sister has basically told her kids that once they move out for college they are on their own and must get their own place to live when they gradute. She says it's to make them "grow up". I know my son will soon enough be on his own with the struggles of a mortgage and responsibilities in the "grown up" world, so why make him struggle at 23 when we can help him achieve his goal?

My son is just five months old, but I can see myself doing that for him, as long as he's responsible for his laundry... I HATE dealing with the laundry. You sound like the kind of mom I want to be.

 

[Aisling]

I think it definitely depends on the culture of where you live. I don't see anything wrong with a motivated 20-something year old living at home temporarily in order to help their future or until they get married (as long as the parents are okay with it and aren't being taken advantage of).

I agree. My son's girlfriend is a 24 year old school teacher who still lives at home, is responsible for her own expenses, is saving money, and will live at home until she gets married...which will probably be next year when my son buys his condo!

 

[AlleyKat]

my oldest dd26 just moved out and it was definetly time for her to go..yes she works but she never helped out . i think its okay to stay if your going to school and or just getting started at a career.

This was the same scenaro a few years ago, with my ds and dss, both 25.

They both worked, didn't cause any trouble BUT also did as they pleased and did not pay rent!

We gave them a 6 month time frame to save and out they went!

 

[Aisling]

My son is just five months old, but I can see myself doing that for him, as long as he's responsible for his laundry... I HATE dealing with the laundry. You sound like the kind of mom I want to be.

OMG what a sweet thing to say!!! Just be strict about teaching him responsibility at an early age, teach him to have goals, add a ton of love, and you'll be a great mom of an independent wonderful son when he grows up!
Best of luck to you with your new(ish ) baby!! How time flies!

 

[disykat]

I think it's MOSTLY a cultural thing or a finances thing, but I think there are more and more people for whom it IS a spoiled thing. I think it's a big parenting trend for parents not to want to see their kids struggle. They'll let them stay home until they're ready to buy a house the equivalent of what they've grown up in or better and can afford to fully furnish it.

I lived in plenty of shared apartments (four girls in a two bedroom, one bath), dingy smelly apartments, and unfurnished apartments I couldn't afford to furnish. I slept on a palate on the floor in an empty apartment for a year when I first lived by myself. Almost no one I knew thought it was strange at all. We were all doing variations on the same theme. Most people I knew also worked a "second job" at some point when they were first starting out.

Now there are tons of people who would never dream of sharing a bathroom with a roommate, living someplace without all the amenities, not being able to "fix up" their place beyond dorm room chic, etc.

I WANT my kids to experience the fun of just starting out from nothing. I'm serious about the word fun - it WAS fun.

 

[Chim Chiminy]

Sometimes it is cultural. I have a friend who is Guamanian and her sister is in her mid twenties and still lives at home. She likely will until she marries.
My friend says that is just how it is in their culture.

My husband says we will go by the 6 X 18 rule. Once they turn 18, they have six months to move out.

My thought is as long as they are in college and working, they can stay. But once college is finished, out the door.

Heck, he and I have been on our own since we were 17 and 18.

 

[sbell111]

In general, I think that once someone has graduated from college, they should spread their wings and be on their own.

Of course, my 42 year old sister-in-law has a Masters in Nursing and still lives at home. Perhaps that is the exception that proves the rule.