When is it time for kids to move out?

[DanzP]

well im 19 and still at home
BUT
im also in college and simply cannot afford to move out just yet

 

[mamacatnv]

my 19 year old returned home 2 weeks ago from his first year of college and he can't wait to get his student apt. and leave again! Course Mom and Dad are paying the rent on said apt.

When I was 18/19 I was on my own but I did not have supportive parents, I also learned quickly not to date men who in their 20's still lived with their Mothers. Well, now I am a Mother and I see that encouraging my son to stay at home would not be in his best interest as hard as it is for me to let go I know I must for everyones sake.

That all said, there is going to come a point when we stop paying his living expenses and he is on his own. When that time occurs if he is still working on his education or saving to buy a house I see no issue with him living with us, but living with us and not contributing or saving I do not see happening. As his Dad ages I actually worry about trying to handle the house all by myself thus having him around would be nice..... double edge sword

 

[smartestnumber5]

I think there are probably some cultural aspects to it.

My family is Italian-American and a lot of the immediate and distant relatives did live at home until marriage (and I think in some ways this is pretty expected). In most cases, those who lived at home also married pretty early (early 20s usually, a few mid 20s) and did not go away to college (a few went away to college but then moved back in with their parents for a couple of years before the got married). The people who are not married, who are in same-sex partnerships, who went beyond a masters degree in terms of education, or who moved further away geographically for work/military/education after high school/college almost always lived on their own or with roommates or cohabited.

I lived at my parents over college breaks and for the summer after college when I turned 22. At the end of that summer I moved to graduate school 600 miles away. Personally I would never have done it any other way. I had no desire to still be living with my parents after college once I could afford to be on my own and I think they prefer having my brother and I out of the house. (In fact they are planning to downsize the house and move into a nicer area of town which our presence would make impossible.) Also for me the idea of planning my life or living arrangements around whether I was married never entered my mind. Marriage was never something I was planning on or which I looked at as an organizing event in my life.

I do wonder how increasing levels of higher ed attainment (post BA) and later, later ages at first marriage, and later age while having kids will affect the living at home cultural trend (not to mention more and more people not marrying and the rate of divorce). For instance, my aunt and uncle had kids young and their kids got married young, so by their mid-40s, they had the house all to themselves again and started making plans (like moving to a new house) for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, given how old GF and I will be when we have kids, by the time the youngest is finished with college, she will be at least 60. I want the kid out then (if possible)! No sticking around while finishing a masters, or living with us until s/he is 30 and ready to get married or never getting married and living with us forever--I'd like to get to enjoy some time alone after the kids and I think they ought to be enjoying their time as young adults trying to start their lives without parents looking over their shoulder.

 

[NotUrsula]

Definitely cultural. IME, being accepting of adult kids living at home is most common in Italian, Hispanic, East Asian and Asian families. Those of us who are Americans from northern European cultures tend to think it is a bad idea, and most of us will only do it or allow it past college in situations of severe financial hardship.

For instance, if I heard this statement coming from a relative of mine it would strike me with horror: "My boyfriend, while he probably could afford to move out and live on his own without a roommate, doesn't see the point when he could live at home rent free and save the money to buy something instead. He just finished school a couple years ago, since the pharmacy program is 6 years."

He finished GRADUATE SCHOOL and still lives at home rent-free? A man, working full-time? All my instincts scream "spoiled Mama's boy", and would tell me to run as fast and as far as I possibly could. No way would I ever date someone who lived in that situation and openly admitted it, unless there were mitigating circumstances. (My DH did live with his mom for a couple of years while when he was in college, but it was just after his father died, and she was in poor health at the time. If he had not been there to pay the bills, cook, and do the laundry, she might not have survived.)

I'm female, and I moved out permanently when I left for college the day after I finished high school. Within 6 months of that time, my mother had given away any of my belongings that I had failed to remove from her house. I did stay with her for a short time (2 weeks) after I left grad school and was looking for a job, but she made it quite clear that the free ride would last no more than 30 days; at that point she expected market-rate rent for any additional time, and was very clear that as soon as I had a job I would need to leave. That is how my extended family operates.

My parents were immigrants, and both had left their home country by the time they were 16. They expected us to want to leave once we reached adulthood, and I expect my kids to want to do so as well. I will not consider them permanently domiciled in my home once they leave for college, though they will of course be welcome as guests.

 

[browneyes106]

I also watched that True Life episode yesterday. The guy trying to be a wrestler really bothered me. I think he could have worked part time or something with places like UPS or Fedex.

When it comes to living at home I think it depends on the situations and the type of people living at home. I lived at home until I was 20 because I was attending a junior college 20 miles away from home. I commuted a few days a week for classes and I worked as a tutor for test prep center. My parents didn't charge me rent but we split the ulititlies and grocery bills. I transferred to a four year school and moved a few hours away. When I moved here a lot of people I became friends with were people who grew up in the city and we were still living at home for financial purposes. Some of them could have lived on their own but if they had lived on their own they wouldn't have been able to pay for car insurance, tutition or expenses. One of my friends is a bipolar and she choose to stay at home to help lessen the stress of being in college and working. She said usually her moods rapidly swing if she has a lot of stress. Once she graduated she got a great job and later bought a relative's house. Often people with mental illness, other illnesses or disabilites sometimes are little better off being at home for awhile.

I have relatives who live an hour away from me. The area they live in is a high cost. My cousin recently got discharged from the military at age 26. He decided to go into the respiratory therapy at local community college. He has decided to live at home with my aunt and uncle for awhile. I can understand somebody in that position wanting to live at home while they are getting used to different type of lifestyle and are starting a new chapter in their lives.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I don't think it's a cultural thing totally. I sometimes think it's a spoiled thing mostly. I could absoutely state that I wouldn't date someone that was a professional but still lived at home at 26 or 27. That shouts dependent to me.

I'm not sure why someone in their mid 20s with a good job would want to live at home. I think it's because they don't want to have their lifestyle suffer. The person might have to live in a tiny apartment or even have a roommate. The person might not go out and about as much and may have to learn to cook and stay in. A 20 something at home doesn't pay the home bills and most don't even do their own laundry or clean up after themselves. I just think at some point a person needs to move out and be an independent person living on their own. You really learn alot about yourself when you are responsible for everything.

I'll never forget one time after college, a friend of mine was dating a guy that lived with his parents. For whatever reason, she ended up at his house. He still had his twin bed, with his kiddie sheets and his mom offered to make pancakes for his friend sleeping over. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship lol.

Excuse me. I have done my own laundry since I was in college. I have cleaned up after myself since before that. I fix my own meals, buy most of my own food, make my own bed, buy all my own personal items including clothes. I also clean the house when it needs it. I also work when work is available. I do not sit at home on my *** and think everyone will do everything for me. I do not go out and party either. I don't drink often, I don't smoke. I also pay a nominal amount for rent.

Other than 13 months of living with my ex-fiance, I have lived in my parents house and I'm in my 30's. Would I like to move out on my own? Yes, I would. I simply cannot afford to live on my own or even with a roommate.

Do not judge all people by a few or by your own beliefs.


It used to be that children lived at home until they got married. Or they were financially stable enough to move out into their own place. It's only been in the last 60 or so years that it's been expected of children to move out after leaving school.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't anticipate pushing the kids out of the nest as soon as they finish their schooling. Personally, I'd rather give my kids the leg-up that comes from having some time in on the job and some savings before leaving home. I don't think there's any virtue to struggling to make ends meet while working an entry-level job, and if my kids want to live at home during that time to save for an apartment or a down payment, that's fine with me.

I'm not willing to enable a slacker, but if the kids are making good choices and need/want some time to get things together before moving out, I'll happily give them that.

 

[tennisfan]

I'm 27 & still live at home with my parents. That is due to not being able to move out yet. I finished Uni in 2006 but struggled to find full time work. I applied for a job in 07 which took thill this year to sort out. I do pay rent, & help around the house. I paid for my own car & all my bills I pay myself & have done even when I was only working part time.

I have done my own washing since I was 14 & my own ironing since I was 16. I can certainly managed on my own I just need to save a fairly big deposit to buy a house. I probably wouldn't rent as its costs more then having a mortgage. I just need to be given a mortgage.

 

[fussymonkey]

Definitely cultural. IME, being accepting of adult kids living at home is most common in Italian, Hispanic, East Asian and Asian families. Those of us who are Americans from northern European cultures tend to think it is a bad idea, and most of us will only do it or allow it past college in situations of severe financial hardship.

Well, I'm American from a northern European culture and its pretty unheard of in my family for a woman - or man- to move out on his/her own without being married. I have 12 cousins, and only one lived on her own without being married, and that was just because her mom and dad divorced and she no longer had a home to go back to.

I didn't move out until I got married at 26, and I was reallllly ready by then. I had a lot of extenuating circumstances- my parents were ill and required a lot of care, that I stayed home to provide, and in addition, we had to save to pay for our own wedding- but even without that, its quite unusual for a woman in our faith to move out on her own. Its not against the religion or anything, and it does happen on occasion, but not very often.

A freind of my DH's stayed home until he was 29. He was certainaly ready to leave, but his parents asked him to stay and he felt an apartment would be wasting money he could be saving. He finished his residency and bought a house he could never have afforded if he hadn't been saving all that time.

I think there's defiantely a difference between a person who is lazing around going nowhere in life on thier parents dime and one who has plans and is staying home to facilitate those plans. If the parents are ok with it, I guess I don't see why anyone would judge that or decide that a person is "dependant" or "spoiled" just becuase they don't make the same choices you would . Saving for a house rather than squandering on an apartment is not spoiled, in my book.

Additionally the whole, women should live on thier own before getting married thing is a bit of a broad statement. I would say it depends on the woman, her goals, her savings, her plans. I didn't live on my own before getting married and yet my marriage and life is more sucessful than many of my friends who did. Many women go to college while living at home to save money, then choose to establish thier future before incurring the expense of moving out.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I am not exactly sure how I feel about this thread. We are living in very different times. Parents are living longer and their health is being extended by medications....BUT that doesn't mean that they don't need their children for additional help.

I started working at 16, was told I HAD to get a job when I turned 16. I wanted to work in an office so I did. Worked Mon- Fri 3 to 530pm and was lucky enough to have the weekends off. In the summer I worked full time Mon-Fri. I got a beeper and a teen line ( which I Paid for! ) Yes I know I dated myself.

I worked at that company for 3 years, I was going to attend a business school but my boss offered me a great package so I took it and felt it was the best that I could do. At 19 I moved out with my best male friend and lived with him for about 2 years it was great, then my family needed me and my friend came out of the closet and I moved back home to help my family. I felt that it was the right thing to do, since I could help with the finances.

Well then 9/11 happened and we lost friends and well my life changed. I moved back out of the house when I was 26 and lived with my cousin, she had just gotten her first apartment. I lived with her about a year and a half and then moved back home because it was too expensive to live on my own in my area.

I have always pulled my own weight and paid my own bills AND helped out with my home. My grandparents were also very ill so I am 31 and yes still home but I pay my own way and then some.

So many people being laid off or thinking that if they don't OWN home they are not worth anything is crazy. I don't feel the need to own a home. I got laid off in November, I would just like a job that pays enough to make ends meet right now. I am single and I have no issue if someone lives with their parents because I know why I am still here. I don't feel its right to judge someone in that way. I also date often, even have had a few boyfriends as well. Why would it be difficult to date someone that lives with their family?

 

[TimothyQMouse]

I'll pretty much insist that mine move out for college for developmental reasons. Once they are finished with college, they are welcome to move back. My thought is that they'll move out when they are ready. At that age, people generally don't want to live with their parents, but if they want to save money and avoid living in a junky apartment, I don't have a problem with it.

 

[BCV513]

I don't think it's a cultural thing totally. I sometimes think it's a spoiled thing mostly. I could absoutely state that I wouldn't date someone that was a professional but still lived at home at 26 or 27. That shouts dependent to me.

I'm not sure why someone in their mid 20s with a good job would want to live at home. I think it's because they don't want to have their lifestyle suffer. The person might have to live in a tiny apartment or even have a roommate. The person might not go out and about as much and may have to learn to cook and stay in. A 20 something at home doesn't pay the home bills and most don't even do their own laundry or clean up after themselves. I just think at some point a person needs to move out and be an independent person living on their own. You really learn alot about yourself when you are responsible for everything.

I'll never forget one time after college, a friend of mine was dating a guy that lived with his parents. For whatever reason, she ended up at his house. He still had his twin bed, with his kiddie sheets and his mom offered to make pancakes for his friend sleeping over. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship lol.

I'm sorry Tina, I usually think you are spot on with everything you say, but I am going to have to way disagree with you here.

I'm 25 and still live at home. However, I am not spoiled, I do not have a twin bed and kiddie sheets, and my mommy certainly does not make me pancakes every morning.

I lived away for college, and I loved it. I have a full-time job and I attend graduate school at night. I live in an incredibly high cost of living area where a studio apartment would cost me about 3 weeks pay every month. Not feasible when you tack on grad school tuition plus my other bills.

Yes, I do pay all my own bills. And I buy my own groceries. And I pay my parents room and board (less than what rent would cost, but still something). I also do my own laundry, as well as theirs.

And for the record, if any guy decided he doesn't want to date me because I live at home, then it's his loss not mine.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Why would it be difficult to date someone that lives with their family?

Well I wasn't the person who said I wouldn't date someone who lived with their family (though it would give me pause depending on the reasons). But my first thought is how do you have a sex life (or even an intimate conversation or work through a serious conflict you're having in your relationship) with your parents living right outside your bedroom door?

My parents had this problem with my brother when he was home from college during one summer. One day my parents were going about their business (walking in the hallway leading to their bedroom) and heard the squeaking of bed springs coming from my brother's room when he and his gf were in there in the middle of the afternoon. My mom told him she didn't appreciate him doing it in the middle of the day when my dad and she could overhear. Apparently after that he and the gf went down to the basement. Now it's one thing to be scolded by your parents for having sex when you're 20 and just home from college for a few months. But at 22, 25, 30--no way!

Seriously I do wonder how this issue gets handled when people in their 20s and even 30s are still living at home. Do the parents still put rules on the kid--no sex in the house? no sleepovers? If the 25 year old brings someone home on the first date, do the parents meet him/her at breakfast the next morning--"Morning Mom. This is my one-night stand from last night"? If you're having an important conversation about where your relationship is going, do you have to leave the house so mom and dad aren't hearing everything in the very next room? (Can you tell I grew up in a small house with a very loud family.)

I don't think there's anything wrong with living at home in one's mid and late 20s. But I was extremely happy to have some privacy and the ability to do things my way when I left home. It was hard to be back even over summer breaks and I felt I was constrained in ways I hadn't been living on my own at college. I wouldn't want to go back to that constrained feeling which I assume is what would happen if I were seriously involved with someone who still lived with their parents.

 

[ols386]

My ds29 didn't move out until about two years ago. He is a college graduate, and was working, but didn't make enough to support himself. He was hired for a different job (about 2.5 years ago), in Ohio, and that's when he moved. I was worried to death about him moving such a far distance away (it's only about 3 hours from my house....LOL), and moving to an area where he had no family or friends, but he has done absolutely wonderful. Was the BEST thing for him.

 

[kafitty]

i think it's a mix of culture, AND...It's The Economy, Stupid. On both the parent's and the child's end.

i'm 23, just graduated college, and i've been living back at my mom's house since last June. i had been living on my own in the dorms/off-campus houses, taking care of all of my own bills, except for the actual rent (part of the contract in my parent's divorce, they each had to pay for my board so long as i was in college. dunno why my dad did that, but okay... i didn't complain!).

now that i'm out of college, i do plan on leaving...eventually. Grad school, hopefully, and hopefully farrrrr away.

But right now? Things are cool. There's no freakin' way i could afford a place on my own right now, and after having various roommates for 4 years i'm aaaaallll set with that for the moment, hahaha.
And, honestly, i'm a help to my mother - my house is WAY too big for just two people, and so with me there, i can help with the dogs and cleaning and cooking and all that stuff. My stepfather is the definition of a lazy slob, so if she didn't have me there to help out, she'd flip. (Which, i've realized, is why she was kind of a psycho when i was younger, and had yet to develop my clean-freakyness )

So i think it can go both ways, really - the child isn't necessarily sponging off the child, and i mean, i'm my mom's only kid and i'm still her #1 priority. We're really good friends now and enjoy each others company, which was NOTTTTT true when i was a teen, so maybe we're kind of making up for lost time?

As for my kids, as long as they keep pulling straight A's they will get cars, a roof over their heads, and an education, spending money (school IS a job), help buying a house and me as a baby sitter whenever they need me. IF, however, they want to goof off instead they will get a place to live and no more, obviously the goal here is to improve their standard of living- not subsidize it.... but my grand kids will get the same contract as my own even if their parents turn out to be less than stellar. That's the contract.

This is the thing though. i do party and go out (maayybeee a little more than i should, lol), but i get myself up and go to work every morning, i clean our house when it needs it, and my room is in WAYYY better condition than my parent's room, hahaha. i like that part that i bolded - it's not that they're enabling me to be a lazy slacker, but they're giving me the opportunity to have a comfortable life when they didn't, and build the same for myself without the same struggle they faced.

I don't think it's a cultural thing totally. I sometimes think it's a spoiled thing mostly. I could absoutely state that I wouldn't date someone that was a professional but still lived at home at 26 or 27. That shouts dependent to me.

I'm not sure why someone in their mid 20s with a good job would want to live at home. I think it's because they don't want to have their lifestyle suffer. The person might have to live in a tiny apartment or even have a roommate. The person might not go out and about as much and may have to learn to cook and stay in. A 20 something at home doesn't pay the home bills and most don't even do their own laundry or clean up after themselves. I just think at some point a person needs to move out and be an independent person living on their own. You really learn alot about yourself when you are responsible for everything.

I'll never forget one time after college, a friend of mine was dating a guy that lived with his parents. For whatever reason, she ended up at his house. He still had his twin bed, with his kiddie sheets and his mom offered to make pancakes for his friend sleeping over. Needless to say that was the end of that relationship lol.

I am trying, VERY hard, to not be offended by that statement, that "most" of us don't even do our laundry, etc. That is an incredibly ignorant blanket statement for you to make, though i assume you probably know some people that make you think that, so fair enough, haha. But i assure you, i know LOTS of people who take care of their own bills, their own personal belongings, and pay rent, all while living at home; in fact, i'd say MOST of them.

i agree with you on the other parts though. Living at home past, say, 27 or 28 is definitely a red flag if they have nothing else going on in their lives, and no other extenuating circumstances, because it does make it seem like they're not ready to let go of being a child to their parents (and there's the weird, icky sex thing). And a twin bed? EEWWWWW no excuse after age 16, hhahahahha.

And i also think everyone should live on their own, if at least for a little while - the same way that i think that it should be required of all American citizens to wait tables for a year of their lives. Definitely good life experiences!!

I think there's defiantely a difference between a person who is lazing around going nowhere in life on thier parents dime and one who has plans and is staying home to facilitate those plans. If the parents are ok with it, I guess I don't see why anyone would judge that or decide that a person is "dependant" or "spoiled" just becuase they don't make the same choices you would . Saving for a house rather than squandering on an apartment is not spoiled, in my book.

Well said.

 

[NotUrsula]

I didn't move out until I got married at 26, and I was reallllly ready by then. I had a lot of extenuating circumstances- my parents were ill and required a lot of care, that I stayed home to provide, and in addition, we had to save to pay for our own wedding- but even without that, its quite unusual for a woman in our faith to move out on her own. Its not against the religion or anything, and it does happen on occasion, but not very often.

I'll grant, I should have also mentioned situations where the parents need care. THAT is an old tradition in my culture, that the youngest daughter will remain unmarried, live with the parents and provide their physical care when they grow old, in return for being left the home in the will. However, that tradition has been fading away since WW2, when women started working outside the home in larger numbers, and building their own credit histories. In my mom's generation it was her youngest brother who made the "take care of Mom and get the house" deal, but in my Father's family his youngest sister did do it, though she lived away from home during WW2 when she had a defense job. (My uncle was 56 when he married, because Grandmam lived to be 87, and she didn't want another woman living in her house. My Dad's sister remained single.)

The tradition of girls staying home until marriage was related to the idea of protecting her, but it also had a lot to do with the practical impossibility for single women of doing things like buying furniture or leasing a flat. Back in the early 1930's, my mother at age 20 was working in a factory and sharing a flat with her brother. She wanted to buy a kitchen table, but the store wouldn't sell one to a single woman. She went back the next day, spoke to a different salesman, and ordered the table in her brother's name, saying he was her husband. The store took her money without protest. Seventy years ago issues like that were common, but today they are almost unheard of.

It also used to be the norm in my culture that you had at least 6 children unless you had a medical problem, but we've largely given that one up, too.

FWIW, we also paid for our own wedding, and we married at age 28. I paid for my own college and grad school educations, too. Being a starving student is a rite of passage, after all.

 

[HugsForEeyore]

I admit I am as old as dirt and currently live with my parents.

I think there is a HUGE financial trend that has made this more common. My parents married right out of college at 22 and bought a house at 23! So did most their friends and my aunt and uncle. I don't know anyone where I live who has the money to do that so young (most homes are over $300,000+ here, even starter homes). The economics just aren't the same anymore - kids aren't expected to do better than their parents. People my parent's age (70) had it the best, in my opinion. Their level of living won't be seen again by most in future generations.

I know many unmarried women with "pink-collar" jobs living with parents, simply because there is nothing they can afford on a single income. I had friends who were librarians, daycare workers, teachers - who all lived at home for quite some time. A one bedroom not in a slum is $1250 a month here. There is nowhere to go until your income goes up.

Another poster said that anyone who doesn't want to live on their own doesn't want to lower their lifestyle. It's not so simple. Finding something you can afford can also mean living in an unsafe neighborhood, something someone like me has to be realistic about. And finding a roommate to live with is not as simple as it sounds - its fun in college, but when you are older and working, you just aren't going to hook up with strangers and live with them. What most women I know ended up doing is moving in with a boyfriend when they want to leave the home (if they are ready for that relationship or not).

It's complex why kids live at home longer. I wish the stigma would go away (but it won't), as most kids I know living at home with parents work hard but don't make much money. Many economic factors at work.

 

[kafitty]

I know many unmarried women with "pink-collar" jobs living with parents, simply because there is nothing they can afford on a single income. I had friends who were librarians, daycare workers, teachers - who all lived at home for quite some time. A one bedroom not in a slum is $1250 a month here. There is nowhere to go until your income goes up.

Another poster said that anyone who doesn't want to live on their own doesn't want to lower their lifestyle. It's not so simple. Finding something you can afford can also mean living in an unsafe neighborhood, something someone like me has to be realistic about. And finding a roommate to live with is not as simple as it sounds - its fun in college, but when you are older and working, you just aren't going to hook up with strangers and live with them. What most women I know ended up doing is moving in with a boyfriend when they want to leave the home (if they are ready for that relationship or not).

i didn't even think of it that way, as a safety issue, but you're totally on to something there.

i too know many people who are moving in with their significant others, and having babies, all before becoming financially stable and independent - as in, not only being able to pay their bills, but actually provide a good life for their family, KWIM? i fear for them, i really do...because i can totally foresee that they'll be the ones living at home in 10 years after they get a divorce, while i will (hopefully) be living comfortably because i waited it out. i am in NO RUSH to grow up!!

 

[bubie2.5]

It's a cultural thing. In Europe and Latin America finding good AND cheap housing is almost impossible, so young people are forced to stay put until they can save enough. There's also the option of sharing a small flat with others, but some see it as a waste of money.

 

[BCV513]

i didn't even think of it that way, as a safety issue, but you're totally on to something there.

It totally is. I'm not going to go live in an unsafe part of Boston just so that I can say that I live on my own. I'm also not going to find roommates on Craigslist for the same reasons. Common wisdom says that you should spend, what, 25-30% of your salary on rent, right? For me, that would be $600 a month. I couldn't even get a studio in the slums for that.