When in laws cause problems

[Grmnshplvr]

after a very long discussion this weekend I'm pretty sure DH and I are on the same page, or at the very least he agreed his brother will not be using our home for a flop house while we are on vacation. We will never see eye to eye on his brother but I understand that is due to a drastically different upbringing, and that is ok. We don't have to agree, but we both understand there is no comprising in this situation, it is my home too and I'm not comfortable with him being there so it is what it is. I did let my stepsister know to call the police immediately if she sees a car in the driveway or suspects someone is in the house. I don't think DH would give him the go ahead behind my back but I'm not 100% his brother wouldn't show up anyways.

 

[LukenDC]

Stick to your guns. If you give in to a mooch, they will be back for more. I, too, am dealing with a pseudo-family member who is a mooch with an unbelievable entitlement complex. It is aggravating, but it would be much worse if I did not take a stand and refuse to give in.

 

[Monykalyn]

OP go ahead and let police know that you are going on vacation and that only one person has Authoruzedvacces to your house- give them your stepsisters name and contact info. This way if something does come up the police will understand the situation and back your stepsister up. Heck is let the family know as well that your stepsister is the ONLY one allowed in the house and that the police are alerted as well. Hope you are able to relax and enjoy your family time away!

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

after a very long discussion this weekend I'm pretty sure DH and I are on the same page, or at the very least he agreed his brother will not be using our home for a flop house while we are on vacation. We will never see eye to eye on his brother but I understand that is due to a drastically different upbringing, and that is ok. We don't have to agree, but we both understand there is no comprising in this situation, it is my home too and I'm not comfortable with him being there so it is what it is. I did let my stepsister know to call the police immediately if she sees a car in the driveway or suspects someone is in the house. I don't think DH would give him the go ahead behind my back but I'm not 100% his brother wouldn't show up anyways.

I'm glad that your husband is working with you on this, even though he may not agree/understand. I deal with the same issue with my brother, and it's very hard not to try and reach out, especially when they try to manipulate emotionally.

 

[kollerbear]

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP-- I'm the oldest and my sisters actually both occasionally tell me how hard it is for them that I "left" them by going to college far away to get away from the dysfunction of my family--specifically my mother. We're younger--I'm 29, they are 20 and 25, and none of them are moochers, but they do enable my mom's behavior, get sucked into it, and think that I'm being really selfish by avoiding it and picking and choosing the ways in which I interact with her. I struggle with the guilt of it all the time and, esp. if my youngest sister was ever in this position, I'd feel very guilty and accountable for her and would have a hard time letting her crash and burn, even if that was what she really needed. I'm glad your DH is supporting your feelings--but I can see how it must be really hard for him and would feel like he's abandoning his brother, even if it's clear that his brother needs help that your couch and garage cannot provide.

 

[Aladora]

OP, your description does sound a lot like an Asperger's kind of thing.
Even if there is some truth too that, what your BIL needs is some real assistance to deal with it... Not just being enabled.

I still agree that I would stand firm that this man is not staying in my home.

OP, again, As I tried to mention and caution earlier... I would very strongly caution you against just issuing a negative judgement like "He is just LAZY."

From the little information that you have described, I would imagine that there are some much deeper issues than just laziness.
I was the first one who mentioned this kind of thing in my one earlier post.
And, very frequently, those with some pretty heavy issues or developmental disabilities are very unfortunately MIS-labeled as lazy.
(this is coming from a parent who knows a little about developmental disabilities)

I am not saying this to give ANY credit to this BIL.
Not at all.
Again, you are VERY correct to take the stand that this man will simply not be in your home.

What I am saying is that, whatever his issues might be, enabling him and/or calling him lazy, are not going to be the correct or effective way to deal with this. (and that seems to be the only two ways of dealing with him right now....)

And, just to put this out there.... in all reality, your husband is probably too close to the fire, or deep in the forest to see the trees, so that he might not have the ability to see things and handle these things the way they should be. It might be far too much to begin to expect him to be able to see and deal with this in an appropriate and firm way. Which is what I know you would like... But, might not be realistic.

As a parent who knows a lot about developmental disabilities, I would very strongly caution against labeling someone as having "an Asperger's kind of thing." Not only does the diagnosis of Aspergers no longer exist but autism is a complex spectrum and I find that people are way too quick to slap a label of autism onto people. Sometimes people are just lazy or awkward or not that social or very into a certain topic or just plain introverts.

OP, I am glad that you and your husband seem to be on the same page, it is hard to have to deal with family issues like this. It has taken my step brother more than 35 years to get his life on the right track, I know how hard it can be.

 

[Cee]

He must not cross your threshold.

 

[yoopermom]

You deserve to feel safe in your own home. We moved last fall, and our new neighbor, IMHO is crazy, but DH thinks he's just "eccentric". I told DH right away that the neighbor could come in/over when DH was home, but that if he sets foot on the property when DH isn't home, I'm not answering the door. DH didn't agree with my assessment of the person, but respected me enough to speak to him, and we haven't had trouble (yet).

Hang tough!

Terri

 

[fly girl]

after a very long discussion this weekend I'm pretty sure DH and I are on the same page, or at the very least he agreed his brother will not be using our home for a flop house while we are on vacation. We will never see eye to eye on his brother but I understand that is due to a drastically different upbringing, and that is ok. We don't have to agree, but we both understand there is no comprising in this situation, it is my home too and I'm not comfortable with him being there so it is what it is. I did let my stepsister know to call the police immediately if she sees a car in the driveway or suspects someone is in the house. I don't think DH would give him the go ahead behind my back but I'm not 100% his brother wouldn't show up anyways.

I'm so glad this was mutually agreed upon.


Like you said, you have different angles at seeing this. His eyes are likely clouded by his mothers enabling, personal guilt for "getting out", and empathy for his brother. Not sure if he can ever see it from a clear perspective since it's too close. You can't fault him for it, but then again you have to keep standing your ground.


And after my original knee jerk post I do feel sorry for younger brother that he's too weak to get out of the cycle. But then again, it sounds like he's never really tried either. My sympathy can only go so far.

 

[ZachnElli]

OP'r, I think your in-laws are related to my in-laws, seriously! My sil is the same way, I've always said, the only hard works she's known, is working hard at not working!! Fortunately, my husband absolutely believes in the mantra, "happy wife, happy life!" But he did just try this house-sitting bit with me and this sil (he has 2 sisters). I told him I was very uncomfortable with her in my home while I'm not here. I absolutely believe she would rob us blind and pawn everything she could. She's done it to her own mother, why not us? His dad was the only other one in the family who saw her (his own daughter) as she truly is and he passed away, so without his voice of reason, she's had a field day! Even sold FIL's minivan after he died and went to WDW with the money!! She hasn't worked in decades!!
You can't let your BIL stay there even one night, he probably won't leave. I've told my dh if certain family members of his come to live with us, I'm moving out with the kids! And I'm dead serious! I'm not cold-hearted, his brother has stayed with us, twice, with wife and kids. But he works, always has, just took him a while to find a career. Stay strong!!

 

[castleview]

Your DH needs a kick in the butt. Here's the bottom line: you have two young kids and their lives and home do not deserve to be disrupted. Keep saying no. Men can be clueless and too laid back in these situations, but hold your ground. The brother having asked you in front of the family means nothing. I've dealt with that junk before and it's a manipulative ploy. Keep taking care of your own family.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

OP'r, I think your in-laws are related to my in-laws, seriously! My sil is the same way, I've always said, the only hard works she's known, is working hard at not working!! Fortunately, my husband absolutely believes in the mantra, "happy wife, happy life!" But he did just try this house-sitting bit with me and this sil (he has 2 sisters). I told him I was very uncomfortable with her in my home while I'm not here. I absolutely believe she would rob us blind and pawn everything she could. She's done it to her own mother, why not us? His dad was the only other one in the family who saw her (his own daughter) as she truly is and he passed away, so without his voice of reason, she's had a field day! Even sold FIL's minivan after he died and went to WDW with the money!! She hasn't worked in decades!!
You can't let your BIL stay there even one night, he probably won't leave. I've told my dh if certain family members of his come to live with us, I'm moving out with the kids! And I'm dead serious! I'm not cold-hearted, his brother has stayed with us, twice, with wife and kids. But he works, always has, just took him a while to find a career. Stay strong!!

They must be related! In the heat of the moment I did suggest DH to get an apartment with BIL if he feels that strongly that he needs to support him

 

[Grmnshplvr]

UPDATE How in the world did I know this wasn't over. I just knew it. DH got a long text from BIL last night....thick with guilt trips....."You really need to talk to J (me), I'm ready to go just sleep in my car" "I need to get out of here for a week, I'll watch the cat"

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my MIL lives with a roommate, they split the rent and utilities in half. MIL invited BIL to stay with her, for free....I knew in the beginning the roommate would most likely have an issue with this because why should she have to pay half the utilities when there are now 3 people living there. It isn't fair, none of my business so I dont say anything well I guess the roommate voiced her opinion on this yesterday and said she isn't supporting BIL the freeloader and is only giving MIL a third of the rent this month. I don't blame her at all...well instead of thinking geez maybe I should be paying a third to live here BIL is throwing a fit and saying if he can't stay with us he's going to his car. DH and I have not discussed it much other than him reading me the texts. I said nothing. As far as I'm concerned we did discuss it, several times...my position has not changed. But I wasn't too happy to see DH's response to BIL "I'll talk to J" Him threatening to sleep in his car doesn't really bother me at all, if you'd rather sleep in your car than a perfectly good couch at MILs why should I feel guilty?

Yesterday I made a post on FB about us counting down to our trip (6 days) and BIL replied back "where all your dreams come true if you're lucky enough to afford it". Luck had nothing to do with it. I'm so agitated about all of this, I didn't sleep well.

this morning I get to work and get this text from my husband.

Babe, my brother is begging me to stay at the house while we are gone, I want to let him
He is so miserable there
At least a week away will help
I will make him promise to clean up.

I'm so upset, maybe more upset than I should be over this. I'm sure some of it is nerves now that our trip is so close, but i'm seriously close to tears. I know in the grand scheme of things this is so petty but I can't let it go and give in. I have not responded to my husband yet, I figured I'd come here and hear some voices of reason before this turns into a huge fight right before we leave for what should be an awesome vacation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

UPDATE How in the world did I know this wasn't over. I just knew it. DH got a long text from BIL last night....thick with guilt trips....."You really need to talk to J (me), I'm ready to go just sleep in my car" "I need to get out of here for a week, I'll watch the cat"

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my MIL lives with a roommate, they split the rent and utilities in half. MIL invited BIL to stay with her, for free....I knew in the beginning the roommate would most likely have an issue with this because why should she have to pay half the utilities when there are now 3 people living there. It isn't fair, none of my business so I dont say anything well I guess the roommate voiced her opinion on this yesterday and said she isn't supporting BIL the freeloader and is only giving MIL a third of the rent this month. I don't blame her at all...well instead of thinking geez maybe I should be paying a third to live here BIL is throwing a fit and saying if he can't stay with us he's going to his car. DH and I have not discussed it much other than him reading me the texts. I said nothing. As far as I'm concerned we did discuss it, several times...my position has not changed. But I wasn't too happy to see DH's response to BIL "I'll talk to J" Him threatening to sleep in his car doesn't really bother me at all, if you'd rather sleep in your car than a perfectly good couch at MILs why should I feel guilty?

Yesterday I made a post on FB about us counting down to our trip (6 days) and BIL replied back "where all your dreams come true if you're lucky enough to afford it". Luck had nothing to do with it. I'm so agitated about all of this, I didn't sleep well.

this morning I get to work and get this text from my husband.

Babe, my brother is begging me to stay at the house while we are gone, I want to let him
He is so miserable there
At least a week away will help
I will make him promise to clean up.

I'm so upset, maybe more upset than I should be over this. I'm sure some of it is nerves now that our trip is so close, but i'm seriously close to tears. I know in the grand scheme of things this is so petty but I can't let it go and give in.

Tell your DH that your answer is NO. Some hills you have to die on. Or in other words it is your line in the sand.

You send your dh a text and tell him no and say we will discuss it later.

Bottom line, you are being manipulated by both your dh and your BIL. There are things I can compromise with in a marriage but for me this would cross my line in the sand.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who is about to be blindsided imo.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Tell your DH that your answer is NO. Some hills you have to die on. Or in other words it is your line in the sand.

You send your dh a text and tell him no and say we will discuss it later.

Bottom line, you are being manipulated by both your dh and your BIL. There are things I can compromise with in a marriage but for me this would cross my line in the sand.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who is about to be blindsided imo.

That is exactly how I feel. Like they're both trying to guilt me into doing something I am not comfortable with, and if I hold my ground I become the naggy mean wife, which I'm sure his brother already thinks I am and thats ok because I know I am not but it still hurts.

 

[PlutoPony]

Sorry you are going through this - still.

Reply back, husband - do we agree that BIL's life MUST change, hopefully for the better. Maybe sleeping in his car will get through to BIL like nothing else has. Clearly nothing YOU (husband) or your mother have done to "help" him have actually changed his life for the better long term. Hitting rock bottom may be the one thing to do it.

Personally, I'd tell him the vacation was off if BIL was going to stay at our house. My guess is getting him to LEAVE afterwards would be the straw that broke the camels back with respect to your marriage and I'd probably tell my husband I'm choosing my marriage over his brother - will he make the same choice?

GOOD LUCK!

 

[Colargol]

Suggest for your husband that he can pay for a week long stay at some cheap motel for his brother. That way BiL will get his "week away" without entering your house, and DH can can go on holiday without feeling bad for his poor brother who has to stay with his mum.

(And seriously, I would never ever welcomed him to stay at my home. But the issue here is really between you and your husband, and that makes it so much more complicated. Will your husband be able to enjoy the holiday knowing that his "poor brother" is miserable at mum's place? I most certainly would rather cancel holiday than let him stay, but that will hurt your kids and is not really a good option either)

 

[Grmnshplvr]

OH MY GOD. My husband just responded to my "I already said no" and said you're being a blanking blank, I'm letting him stay. He has never in our all years of marriage talked to me like this.

 

[PlutoPony]

OH MY GOD. My husband just responded to my "I already said no" and said you're being a blanking blank, I'm letting him stay. He has never in our all years of marriage talked to me like this.

Wow - seems like he just chose his brother over his wife and family.
I'm sorry.
How much $ can you get back if you cancel the trip?

 

[Vernie822]

Ugh, so sorry you are having to deal with this! I hope he comes to his senses and can tell him no. I think the idea of letting the police know you'll be away is a good one, and filling your step sister in on everything.