When getting advice, do you consider the source?

[tiff211]

I have been dealing with maritial problems that has leaded to a separation and now impending divorce. It has been a long, hard road and i am happy to see the light and the end of the tunnel. I am surrounded by friends and family who I KNOW all want the best for me and my girls. With that being said, the people in my life are at walks of life, my mom who is well mommy, widowed 2 times, younger sisters who have both gotten married within the last 3 years, 1 girlfriend who is single and old enough to be my mom, 1 girlfriend who is married for the 4th and hopefully final time, she has an amazing gift of knowing just what to say to talk me off the ledge and make me listen, another gf who is married and who was the ONLY one I confided in when my STBX husband first was unfaithful 6 years ago, 1 GF who is my polar opposite but we get along great, she is the poster woman for a happy marriage and life , and finally 1 single friend who has never been married but cant find someone. So, first i know that's a big circle, and only really confide in a couple of them. But they all have advice. The one who gives the most unsolicited is the one who is my polar opposite with the poster marriage. I find it hardest to recieve because she is happily married, to an amazing guy. How can she relate? i know she has my best interest at heart but i try to get her to see the advice she gives is not so clean cut as she makes it. Deciding whether to stay or go, keeping him away once i made the decision, etc, etc. One of my flaws I have been told by my therapist is that I don't trust myself. Great! In a world of advice givers and i don't trust myself to make good choices. So, i have started politely telling people to let me make up my own mind...right, wrong or indifferent. if I want advice, I'll ask for it. I do understand why people ask for such personal advice from strangers, you know they have no buy in and its completely objective....most of the time, anyway.

 

[blissventure]

So, i have started politely telling people to let me make up my own mind...right, wrong or indifferent. if I want advice, I'll ask for it. I do understand why people ask for such personal advice from strangers, you know they have no buy in and its completely objective....most of the time, anyway.

Your challenging walk has made you wise. If you want advice, you'll ask for it. Good for you!!!
And, of course, if "advice" comes your way, unsolicited, you can smile, nod, and IGNORE.
Best of luck to you. (And may I say that your family picture is just lovely!)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, most certainly consider the source!!!!!

If you question her advice because, while well meaning, you feel it is not 'right' for you. And, if you question her advice because you wonder if it is coming from a valid viewpoint.... Maybe you are beginning to 'trust' yourself more than you think!

PS: One take would be to think that this person knows how to maintain a positive happy marriage, so their viewpoint could be very valuable... but I tend to agree with your take that her situation (or viewpoint) might mean that her advice is not 'realistic' from your viewpoint.

I also know that when times get hard, many people have a hard time taking the 'tough' advice.... saying "the person just doesn't know how hard it is....." But, many times, that tough advice can be the best advice.

I think the biggest thing is to look at what the end result might be for YOU if you followed the advice.

 

[Wishing on a star]

So, i have started politely telling people to let me make up my own mind...right, wrong or indifferent. if I want advice, I'll ask for it. I do understand why people ask for such personal advice from strangers, you know they have no buy in and its completely objective....most of the time, anyway.

That is the beauty of advice...
You can learn from what might work...
And choose to ignore the rest!!!!

If there are people around you who seem to think that you shouldn't make up your own mind... and that you should be controlled by their advice (take it as marching orders....) Then this is a real problem.

 

[Disney Doll]

Always consider the source, because peoples' advice, opinions etc. are always colored by their own life experiences.

I am happily married and have been so for 18 years. My advice, always, on these "marital difficulty" threads is to get the financial stuff in order first, know what you have in terms of money, bills, cash, retirement, savings. My second advice is always get documentation of the above....copy everything...retirement accounts, income tax records, savings accounts, checking accounts, credit cards, credit reports etc. I have never personally experienced divorce, but have watched several people go through the process and have seen the difference in people who have a handle on their finances vs.those who don't. Those with a handle do much better, have fewer "surprises" along the way, their children do much better etc. So my opinion/advice is based on what I have witnessed happen to others.