When Christmas budgets are so different

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Not sure if someone has mention this but here it goes.
As far as spending money on a vacation and your BIL thinking its not right to spend this kind of money on something that is intangible. A vacation is not intangible. Its priceless to spend time with your kids by taking a vacation. You are spending face to facce time with them and creating memories that they will remember and possibly want to share with their own kids some day. Now a days family are busy and they don't get to spend a lot of quality time together and a vacation is a great way to reconnect with your kids.

On the other hand if the BIL thinks its okay to spend lots of money on high tech toys your BIL never gets to spend quality family time with his kids. He is more or less buying their love. You on the other hand are enjoying your kid, teaching them the meaning of family and family time well spent.
I would explain the fact that you may not get all the toys you want but we do get to take a cool vacation instead.

Also maybe start an allowance and teach them to save for the things they want. You could even say that if your child is able to save 50% toward the cost of a toy you will chip in the other 50%.

I totally get what you're saying...but my nieces have been wanting to go to Disneyworld for years now, and I just can't do that to them. My BIL thinks it's crazy to spend a few thousand dollars on a vacation that is over in a week and not "tangible". They choose to spend their money on other things, which is totally fine for them. Also, if I have my kids open the cruise surprise at my in-laws, all I will hear about from the other adults is "What? Another vacation? Another trip to Disney? How much is that costing you? Are you crazy?" My DH did not grow up going on family vacations, I have sort of won him over to going on one per year because he sees how much fun the kids have and he enjoys going. But it's totally out of the norm for his family. I also think that by opening the cruise surprise at our house, the night before we travel to theirs for Christmas, we can spend time watching the cruise DVD and learning all about it.

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

Christmas needs to be at your own home. Period. You and your children need to come first before his parents. I suggest you let your DH know he is beinf very selfish. The children will be older and maybe eventually you will go back to visiting on Christmas day but for now it should be at home.

 

[labdogs42]

I didn't read all the responses yet, but does your DH not understand that he spent his Christmases growing up in his own home? Now it is time for his children to enjoy Christmas in THEIR home, not grandma's. Your current setup is a recipe for disaster and frustration. I can't see how it could turn out any other way. Sure, the kids will compare notes on what they got if you get together later in the day, but that's very different than having to sit and watch someone else open a ton more gifts than you got. That's just torture for a kid.

My Dh and I made a pact when our son was born that he would always wake up in his house on Christmas morning, no staying over at relatives' houses on Christmas Eve. We will visit people on Christmas Eve (if they are close enough that we can then drive home) or Christmas Day afternoon, but Christmas morning is just our little family in our home and we love it that way. I think it is time for a new tradition in your house!

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I didn't read all the responses yet, but does your DH not understand that he spent his Christmases growing up in his own home? Now it is time for his children to enjoy Christmas in THEIR home, not grandma's. Your current setup is a recipe for disaster and frustration. I can't see how it could turn out any other way. Sure, the kids will compare notes on what they got if you get together later in the day, but that's very different than having to sit and watch someone else open a ton more gifts than you got. That's just torture for a kid.

My Dh and I made a pact when our son was born that he would always wake up in his house on Christmas morning, no staying over at relatives' houses on Christmas Eve. We will visit people on Christmas Eve (if they are close enough that we can then drive home) or Christmas Day afternoon, but Christmas morning is just our little family in our home and we love it that way. I think it is time for a new tradition in your house!

I agree. Christmas morning is always spent in our own home, although it's easier because we don't have to travel to see family. You could still reasonably leave by 8:00 and be at your in-laws' house in time for lunch.

 

[MomToOne]

I didn't read all the responses yet, but does your DH not understand that he spent his Christmases growing up in his own home? Now it is time for his children to enjoy Christmas in THEIR home, not grandma's. Your current setup is a recipe for disaster and frustration. I can't see how it could turn out any other way. Sure, the kids will compare notes on what they got if you get together later in the day, but that's very different than having to sit and watch someone else open a ton more gifts than you got. That's just torture for a kid.

My Dh and I made a pact when our son was born that he would always wake up in his house on Christmas morning, no staying over at relatives' houses on Christmas Eve. We will visit people on Christmas Eve (if they are close enough that we can then drive home) or Christmas Day afternoon, but Christmas morning is just our little family in our home and we love it that way. I think it is time for a new tradition in your house!

With a six hour drive to family, waking up in your own house, opening presents, getting dressed/fed then driving would probably mean not getting to the in-laws until mid to late afternoon, and I can understand how that experience would be much different and how the OPs husband might not like that idea. Not that he shouldn't have to compromise, but I can see his side too. (And I want to point out that asking kids to leave the presents they just opened can be a not-so-wonderful experience too.)

I live a long distance from my family. I have chosen to travel with my daughter every Christmas because I want her to share the time with her extended family. While I would love to spend the morning at home just with her, doing that would mean NOT seeing family for Christmas at all. It's a hard choice when you live further away from family. It won't be perfect any way you do it, you just have to compromise and look for ways to do things that you can live with.

 

[seashoreCM]

A good excuse to say out loud while putting your foot down and keeping your kids at home would be, "... they feel uncomfortable and out of place at Grandma's (your MIL's). You (DH) don't want your own kids to be sad at Christmas time do you?". After your kids have gone to bed you can suggest to DH that he in turn suggest to his mother about ways they can make your (his) kids feel better. (Can his mother offer financial aid?)

In the OP's specific case, IMHO kids don't need so many gifts of the kinds mentioned even if the family did have the money.

I would also suggest changing things around so your own intra-family gifts are not brought along just to be opened in front of the whole family. Just less baggage to transport or get lost.

 

[NotUrsula]

For goodness sakes, folks, wanting to spend a holiday with extended family isn't necessarily evil OR selfish. Some of us happen to LIKE travelling for Christmas and/or don't have the room to host everyone. Sometimes the old folks are too old to travel. My family cannot all travel to my place for Christmas, it would be out of their budgets at all times, and my 1000 sq.ft. house couldn't contain them, either. My kids happen to like spending the holidays at my family home; riding horses out to cut down the tree and all. It' culturally different than it is where we live, and we prefer it, even DH. We cannot afford to make the trip every year now that we have children, but if I'm not there it isn't much of a Christmas to me; just the 4 of us is not remotely the same as a party of 40 people.

This isn't about WHERE they are, it is about what is happening there with the gift-giving, and it should be very easy to fix just that part without the OP forcing her DH's family to give up their tradition of an extended family gathering. (And yes, if they want to switch off and not go EVERY year that makes sense, but why is his whole family's beloved tradition wrong just because you don't do it that way?)

 

[seashoreCM]

What kind of quality time can your kids spend with the rich cousins?

Note that not bringing the intra-family gifts to Grandma's will also force y'all to use more imaginative means of spending quality time together.

If BIL/SIL always bring their intra-family gifts to Grandma's to open, then nothing will keep your kids from seeing those gifts.

But now the cousins will have to set aside their gifts to make quality time together, or will have to share those gifts to make quality time together. Anyone for non-computerized Monopoly or Parcheesi? (The kind with the dice and fold out board)

Or if you can't think of a plan to get the kids to spend that much quality time together then you can delay your travel over so the kids have more time with their own gifts at home and then you arrive at Grandma's just in time for Christmas dinner.

 

[tlbwriter]

but why is his whole family's beloved tradition wrong just because you don't do it that way?)

What's wrong is that the OP is now unhappy with it, and her husband refuses to consider anything else. It's not RIGHT just because he wants to do it that way.

 

[NotUrsula]

What's wrong is that the OP is now unhappy with it, and her husband refuses to consider anything else. It's not RIGHT just because he wants to do it that way.

My argument is with all the folks who are saying "Put your foot down and keep those children in their OWN home where children belong on Xmas morning!" My point is that the OP isn't unhappy with the tradition of the trip itself; she said that they LIKE going:

Hi, OP here--it's really not an issue of visiting his family vs. my family. His family lives only 6 hours away, mine lives 14+ hours away where the weather is bad in the winter. We see my family in the summer and I'm totally fine with that. I believe that in marriage, you have to choose your battles. And spending Christmas away from his family isn't, at this point, a battle I want to fight. His family is great (not to mention that our kids totally look forward to playing with their cousins non-stop while we're there). It's just the gift discrepancy part that is challenging. I appreciate your comments.

I just don't think it is at all necessary or desirable to throw the baby (the tradition of spending Xmas with extended family) out with the bathwater (the issue of conspicuous consumption in front of the children of family members who for whatever reason cannot keep up.)

We have more disposable income than most of my extended family. My children have known since they were old enough to speak that this was so, and that it is impolite to show off and rub their cousins' noses in it. (And no, I would never consider offering to supplement what their parents cannot afford so that we could be more lavish; that would be offensive. Parents have their reasons, AND their pride.)

 

[angierae]

I have to wonder if kids just pay attention to this kind of stuff more now, or if kids believe in Santa longer, or what - when I was growing up I had two cousins within about 15 months of my age. Our families were all very different, financially, and the only time I ever remember this coming up was when our grandfather gave one of my cousins a Cabbage Patch Doll on CHristmas Eve, and my other cousin and I were jealous, and then come Christmas Morning we each got one from our parents and realized that grandpa had bought my cousin one because her parents couldn't afford it.

But I knew there was no Santa from the time I was 6 or 7, and before that I certainly wasn't comparing the cost of my gifts to my cousins'. I was too busy being excited about my own gifts to worry too much about what anyone else got.

 

[doodle&june]

I've used a couple different techniqes. I have 3 kids...two older (17 and 21) and one younger (4) so my priorities have changed over the years. With the older kids I always had a budget that did not necessarily cover the big gifts they wanted (video game systems). So I told them that they would never get anything I could not afford from Santa. I told them that Santa knew what each kids parents could afford and bought/made accordingly and sent a bill after Christmas. Santa had to use his money to buy for the children that wouldn't get gifts if he didn't provide them. I also always felt a little anger about Santa getting credit for things I had worked hard to earn money to buy. So honestly, the majority of the big gifts came from me and Santa brought cheaper things they wanted. As the older kids grew they would start asking what their budget was and provide me a list within that budget. If they asked for something expensive they knew that it might be the only gift they got.
Now on to the baby...she's still little. We spend Christmas morning at home and go to the inlaws later or if it's too far we just stay home (we have moved since she was born). I still set a budget for her but last year my husband said "Do we have to spend her entire budget? Can you get her what she wants and still be under budget?". Well guess what? He was right. She didn't need the whole amount spent on her. For the record it was $150. She got four gifts from Santa and the rest from us. Her gifts were a firetruck, a book of Curious George stories, a doctor kit, and a huge coloring book and crayons. I have more money to spend on her than I did the older kids but my priorities have changed. No tv in her room. No video games at this age. No computer games. Just basic toys that she can use her imagination to play with. She does get movies but they have to be watched in the living room or the "spare" room. I'm just more concerned with providing her experiences like others have mentioned (like vacations and dance lessons) that some electronic gadget that will prevent her from interacting with the rest of us.
So...I still don't want Santa getting credit for the big things but there are less gifts all around now because Christmas isn't about excess...it's about appreciating family and having a few great new things rather than so many you get overwhelmed.
I saw a family at dinner the other night. They had a portable DVD player on the table in front of the kids playing a Spongebob video. I was floored! They can't go to a family restaurant for a decent dinner without the kids watching tv? What happenned to talking to each other? Sorry...off my soapbox.

 

[carebee21]

I just don't think it is at all necessary or desirable to throw the baby (the tradition of spending Xmas with extended family) out with the bathwater (the issue of conspicuous consumption in front of the children of family members who for whatever reason cannot keep up.)

The issue that I think a lot of people are forgetting though is that it's not a matter of not being able to keep up. It's a matter of them choosing to spend their money on something else, in this case a vacation.

A lot of people keep assuming one side is more well off than the other side and the more well off side is throwing it around by buying expensive gifts for their children when that is not the case. The OP has stated one side doesn't go on vacation but buys their children expensive electronics etc for Christmas, whereas the other takes a vacation and is more frugal at Christmas.

Personally, I don't think the other family is being rude by buying big gifts and allowing them to be opened in front of the other children. A) They may not even realize it's an issue. B) It's their kids Christmas too and they want their kids to be happy and excited C) The other family has the money but is deciding to spend it on something else. Why should their children have to give up their big Santa presents because the other family wishes to spend their money on a vacation that that family either can't afford or doesn't wish to take? My opinion would be different if one family was truely poor and the other more well off, but that isn't the case here, just different opinions on how money should be spent.

The OP has been given a lot of good suggestions: Opening the cruise tickets as a gift, cutting back on the vacation budget to allow for a healthier Christmas budget, stop opening presents with the in-laws, talk with the other family about it and see if they will open the big presents alone, etc. But IMO it's a great opportunity to discuss a budget and priorities with your children. There's always going to be people who have more or less or decide to spend their money this way or that way. If you just try to hide or conceal what's happening now, it's going to keep coming up, especially as they enter school and realize some kids have more toys at their house, some kids do more activites, some kids have better clothes. So now's as good a time as any to teach children that they can't have everything and have to decide between items and budget for them.

 

[NotUrsula]

I agree with you that there is a bit of a difference in choices vs. necessities, and I also agree that children need to be taught from the beginning that there will always be folks with more disposable income, and that life just isn't fair that way.

That said, this is family, and apparently a rather close family since they enjoy spending holidays together. In my book, adults in families who care about one another will do their best not to undermine or make difficulties that make parenting harder than it has to be. We all have our reasons for the ways that we choose to raise our children, and as they grow older they have it explained, but it just isn't kind to your own siblings to put them on the spot with their children at a family gathering when doing so is very easily avoided.

I think the OP is on the side of the angels here, quite frankly. She knows that the BIL's children have been told that their parents are NOT willing to spend money on travel to WDW, and she is unwilling to put their parents on the spot by making a big deal out of the cruise announcement in front of those children. (And yes, there is some self-preservation involved in not wanting to hear the criticisms about spending on travel, but it's still kinder not to rub the children's noses in the fact that their cousins will be going to WDW and they will not be.)

FWIW, I consider the OP's gift budget to be quite "healthy" -- IMO it's quite generous for children that age. I certainly wouldn't consider her a tightwad.

 

[carebee21]

That said, this is family, and apparently a rather close family since they enjoy spending holidays together. In my book, adults in families who care about one another will do their best not to undermine or make difficulties that make parenting harder than it has to be. We all have our reasons for the ways that we choose to raise our children, and as they grow older they have it explained, but it just isn't kind to your own siblings to put them on the spot with their children at a family gathering when doing so is very easily avoided.

But then that puts the other family in a spot. When my son was 5, he wanted a DS more than anything for Christmas. It's all he talked about, all he told santa about, etc. That could very well be the scenario with this other family. So why should they either have to give their son that one present earlier or later than everyone else? Why should they have to find some excuse as to why santa decided to bring that present earlier or later? Why should the child be penalized and not get to open his present under the Christmas tree, on Christmas morning, just like everyone else? And why should the parents not get to witness their child opening up the present that he really wanted and they saved up for and worked hard for under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning?

Not to mention, when my son got his DS, the majority of his other presents were DS games, carrying case, etc. So even if that child didn't open the DS in front of the other kids, if they bought him games, etc, it's still going to be quite clear that he has a DS and the other kids don't.

IMO, you can't have your cake and eat it too. If they want to spend their disposable income on a cruise or Disney or whatever, so be it. If that means that they have less disposable income to spend on everything else, then that's the decision they made. If it means not being able to or not being willing to spend the money on something their child wants for Christmas, then that's the decision they've made. But to expect somebody else to rework their Christmas and not allow their kid to open one present in front of that child or not open "expensive" (and I use that term loosely, because imo a DS isn't some outrageously expensive or extravegent present that makes it look like the parents are throwing around money or trying to insult anyway. It's a pretty normal gift for kids in that age range.) presents in front of everybody because of their personal disposable income spending decisions is ridiculous.

 

[AntePrincess]

I haven't read all the replies (yet), but I didn't want to lose my thought.

We have the same problem with big spender in-laws, complicated by the fact that the grandparents play favorites. I've handled it with a touch of reality: I explain to my girls that Santa did not bring ANY of the gifts at the family party, no matter what anyone at the party says. They are not naughtier than their cousins because they got fewer and smaller gifts. As they get older, I explain more about Santa and the spirit of Christmas, while they're little Santa brings the stockings (which are most of our gifts anyway and a big deal in our home).

This approach caused a row the first year when I was accused of being a killjoy and trying to debunk Christmas to the cousins, but that died down immediately when I asked if the intended for my daughters to think they were worse people because they didn't get all the same stuff. Over the last three years, the displays of conspicuous consumption have toned down a great deal (except at birthday parties ), and everyone has been exchanging more and more homemade baked treats. I like Christmas a lot better now.

I'm sad to say, it isn't a perfect solution. My oldest has now noticed that it's grandpa, not Santa, that's giving her cousins four or five huge fancy toys and getting her a falling apart generic book written for kids half her age. Not a huge improvement.

 

[jcemom]

I haven't read all the replies, so I don't know if someone else does the same thing I do or not. I explained to DD that Santa brings only one gift per child, and anything after that he will bring, but the parents must pay for. She asked about it maybe two years ago (when she was 7), when we were donating to Toys For Tots. She wanted to know why we need to donate toys when Santa will bring toys. She also noticed that some friends of hers get more than she does, and her cousins get less. The explanation I gave satisfied her, and she's even more careful about what she puts on her wish list now, "knowing" that Santa only provides one gift and I need to pay for the rest.

 

[tlbwriter]

But then that puts the other family in a spot. When my son was 5, he wanted a DS more than anything for Christmas. It's all he talked about, all he told santa about, etc. That could very well be the scenario with this other family. So why should they either have to give their son that one present earlier or later than everyone else? Why should they have to find some excuse as to why santa decided to bring that present earlier or later? Why should the child be penalized and not get to open his present under the Christmas tree, on Christmas morning, just like everyone else? And why should the parents not get to witness their child opening up the present that he really wanted and they saved up for and worked hard for under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning?

I don't know if anybody actually suggested trying to get the other family to change their gift-giving tradition. If so, then I agree with you - the other family should be able to do whatever they want. If the current tradition does not suit the OP and/or her children, she should change her own family's plan, not anybody else's. Unfortunately, it seems her husband is making this impossible.

 

[jrmasm]

QUOTE=tlbwriter;42184176]I don't know if anybody actually suggested trying to get the other family to change their gift-giving tradition. If so, then I agree with you - the other family should be able to do whatever they want. If the current tradition does not suit the OP and/or her children, she should change her own family's plan, not anybody else's. Unfortunately, it seems her husband is making this impossible.[/QUOTE]

Actually a couple of people did. And I think they're dead wrong. No one has any business telling anyone else to tone down their holidays. The other family is not wrong, they just make different choices.

OP, you're in a tough spot. We used the mom and dad send Santa a check explanation with my oldest. She was fine with that expanation as it covers a lot of questions.