When children (an adults) stare.

[graygables]

I appreciate this thread. My 9yo DD is bipolar and has chronic fatigue issues, so we use a w/c for her when there's a lot of walking involved (WDW). This last trip, she'd outgrown her stroller chair and we've graduated to just a regular pushchair. She HATES being stared at and I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to be checking her out to see what's "wrong" with her. I've taken to staring right back (the Paddington Bear "hard stare"...)

But, I was also with my mother, who is a drama queen, domineering matriarch, annoying as all heck person and every single time she sees a child who is bald, in a w/c, or somehow not physically perfect, she loudly says, "There but by the grace of God..." I've asked her nicely (and not so nicely) to think before she speaks, but she's always making a scene. She's the one who went up to the little girl who had no hair and a baseball cap and said, "Sweetie, what's your name, we'll be praying for you" in her most annoying stage voice. BTW, this is the woman who refuses to believe that 9yo is bipolar or 11yo has Asperger's. They are just "brats"... any suggestions on dealing with HER???

 

[merryweather20]

I appreciate this thread. My 9yo DD is bipolar and has chronic fatigue issues, so we use a w/c for her when there's a lot of walking involved (WDW). This last trip, she'd outgrown her stroller chair and we've graduated to just a regular pushchair. She HATES being stared at and I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to be checking her out to see what's "wrong" with her. I've taken to staring right back (the Paddington Bear "hard stare"...)

But, I was also with my mother, who is a drama queen, domineering matriarch, annoying as all heck person and every single time she sees a child who is bald, in a w/c, or somehow not physically perfect, she loudly says, "There but by the grace of God..." I've asked her nicely (and not so nicely) to think before she speaks, but she's always making a scene. She's the one who went up to the little girl who had no hair and a baseball cap and said, "Sweetie, what's your name, we'll be praying for you" in her most annoying stage voice. BTW, this is the woman who refuses to believe that 9yo is bipolar or 11yo has Asperger's. They are just "brats"... any suggestions on dealing with HER???

This isn't really the same thing, but I thought I'd offer my suggestion anyways... one of my granma's was extremely rude to waitresses, so we simply stoped taking her to restaurants. This isn't as mean as it sounds because if the family went out for a birthday dinner we would still invite her later on in the week to our home. She's now at the point where we can take her to certain restaurants and trust her to "act her age".

Would it be possible to do something along the lines of:

Maybe still picking groceries up for her, but not taking her out to the store? (or whatever the situation)

Or what about saying "I'll still come to see you, but holidays only for the kids"?

 

[madenon]

Let me ask a question of the folks here, with apologies to the op. I'm not the pc type to say "well, they are handicapped, or disabled". If you're in a chair I tend to say that you are wheeled. You need a chair to get around."

Is that offensive? It's not meant to be. I'm just very point blank. And to the partner of Skye. I'm the type to ask, when in a stopped area (like a ride line) to ask if it's permitted to pet said animal. Is that taboo?

Just curious.

You know what? You'll allways offend someone. Sometimes they'll just have to suck it up and learn to recognize the difference between a person who means well and tries and an ignorant person. I'ld much rather run into somebody that's not pc and gets his foot in his mouth every once in a while than one of those "ah coetie coe, poor thingie, gagagaga" people. With the first I'll probably have the option of having a nice discussion about it, the latter will only try to irritate me to death.

If you ask me personally? You're right, period. The chair is a way to get round. Nothing more or less (well, ok, a bit of a fashion statement in my case, but I think I could eventually get over it if I didn't need the chair ). Disabled, handicapped, their pretty weird words for me, probably caused by the stigma society puts on these labels.


About servicedogs; as long as they're in function/working, they're not supposed to be petted. Overhere we've got 'working cloths' that the dog will wear if in function, no matter what kind of servicedog, so others around can see the dog is working and shoulnd't be approached as a pet at that point. (overhere the dog might not be yours to own, so you'll have to follow strict rules to insure the dogs health and wellbeing) Now how that is in the US, I can only guess. Especially with the heat in Florida, I could understand that not being the standard -unless it being a cooling cloth-.

 

[madenon]

I appreciate this thread. My 9yo DD is bipolar and has chronic fatigue issues, so we use a w/c for her when there's a lot of walking involved (WDW). This last trip, she'd outgrown her stroller chair and we've graduated to just a regular pushchair. She HATES being stared at and I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to be checking her out to see what's "wrong" with her. I've taken to staring right back (the Paddington Bear "hard stare"...)

But, I was also with my mother, who is a drama queen, domineering matriarch, annoying as all heck person and every single time she sees a child who is bald, in a w/c, or somehow not physically perfect, she loudly says, "There but by the grace of God..." I've asked her nicely (and not so nicely) to think before she speaks, but she's always making a scene. She's the one who went up to the little girl who had no hair and a baseball cap and said, "Sweetie, what's your name, we'll be praying for you" in her most annoying stage voice. BTW, this is the woman who refuses to believe that 9yo is bipolar or 11yo has Asperger's. They are just "brats"... any suggestions on dealing with HER???

No ideas how you could deal with it. If she was my mom, I'ld probably have a heated discussion with her about it, but can I understand you trying to find a nicer way as you don't want to influence the relation between grandchild and grandmother.

If she were to walk up to me? Depends on my mood. I'll either just say 'thanks' with a look that'll speak volume to anyone that finds these things annoying or I'll just tell her "no thnx, I don't need it, better start praying for yourself". Now this'll leave most people bazzled (what do I need praying for?), which gives me enough time to get the hell out of there.

 

[alizesmom]

I appreciate this thread. My 9yo DD is bipolar and has chronic fatigue issues, so we use a w/c for her when there's a lot of walking involved (WDW). This last trip, she'd outgrown her stroller chair and we've graduated to just a regular pushchair. She HATES being stared at and I'm constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to be checking her out to see what's "wrong" with her. I've taken to staring right back (the Paddington Bear "hard stare"...)

But, I was also with my mother, who is a drama queen, domineering matriarch, annoying as all heck person and every single time she sees a child who is bald, in a w/c, or somehow not physically perfect, she loudly says, "There but by the grace of God..." I've asked her nicely (and not so nicely) to think before she speaks, but she's always making a scene. She's the one who went up to the little girl who had no hair and a baseball cap and said, "Sweetie, what's your name, we'll be praying for you" in her most annoying stage voice. BTW, this is the woman who refuses to believe that 9yo is bipolar or 11yo has Asperger's. They are just "brats"... any suggestions on dealing with HER???

Have you considered duct tape? In all seriousness, I doubt that anything you say or do will change her nor do I think that any response from the recipient of her actions would help. I'll just send you a hug and say that I hope you survive. Karen

 

[Shorty82]

About servicedogs; as long as they're in function/working, they're not supposed to be petted. Overhere we've got 'working cloths' that the dog will wear if in function, no matter what kind of servicedog, so others around can see the dog is working and shoulnd't be approached as a pet at that point. (overhere the dog might not be yours to own, so you'll have to follow strict rules to insure the dogs health and wellbeing) Now how that is in the US, I can only guess. Especially with the heat in Florida, I could understand that not being the standard -unless it being a cooling cloth-.

I believe most service dogs where a special vest showing they are working and they may be required to wear one. I've seen some that say something along the lines of "Don't pet me, I'm working." Children (and some adults) should be taught that service dogs aren't to be petted, that they are there working and shouldn't be distracted. Service dogs aren't just pets, they work and provide assistance to their owner.

 

[SueM in MN]

I have to say that last week I found myself viewing from a side of this question/issue I never thought I would.
My DH, DD and I were on a boat from the Studio to Epcot last week when a woman drove onto the boat using an ECV. She had a soft cast on her leg and during the boat trip, she put her leg straight up to rest it on the tiller of the ECV (foot in the air) and rode like that the whole trip. DD looked at the woman and signed "funny" to me, pointing at the woman. I said her leg probably felt good to be stretched. Well, DD gets obsessed with things, kept looking at the woman and signing "funny" and laughing. One thing that she has a lot of problem with is emotional control - her neurologists have explained it is similar to the problems some people have after a stroke - a little sadness causes oceans of tears, something a little funny causes gales of laughter. Once she gets going, there is not much she can do to control herself and she is very difficult to get off the subject. There was not enough room to turn DD's wheelchair (and it would not have helped much anyway, as she would have probably just turned her head and body around to look anyway). About all I could do was say, "I know you have never seen someone do that before, but it probably feels good to stretch" and "that's enough" as I tried to get her to calm down.
I wanted to say something to the woman, but had no idea what would not make the situation worse. Luckily, she understood because she gave DD a big smile and a wave when she got off the boat.

Anyway, we sometimes get small children questioning and looking. Since DD is not able to speak, I do tell them that she can't talk, but does understand perfectly well. If they ask why she is using a wheelchair, I just say that her legs don't work so she uses the wheelchair to get around. If they ask why she can't talk, I say that she can't talk with her voice, but does talk with her hands (she does modified signing). If they ask the eternal "why, why, why" I say that I don't know why, except that not everyone is the same and some people (like me) need glasses and other people (like DD) need wheelchairs.
I appreciate the parents who don't 'shush' their children and do say something like "I suppose she uses the wheelchair to move around". The weirdest situation we had was when a mother's answer was "She was probably in an accident," which brought up a lot more questions from the child, that the mom then tried to 'shush'. I did get involved at that point and said DD's legs don't work for walking, but that she was born that way.

For the OP, a website called eparent.com has a good library of books on many different disabilities. Exceptional Parent magazine has been around for many years and is an excellent resource. I have never liked the name of it (the "Exceptional" part, but it was established in a time when people were trying to come up with alternatives to "********" and "handicapped". There are still no good words that everyone agrees on. Some people have no problem with "disabled", but think "handicapped" is demeaning or vice versa. Some people refer to themselves or their children as "confined to a wheelchair". That one has always rubbed me the wrong way because it sounds like the person is chained to it against their will.
For my DD, her wheelchair is her freedom. If she is in it, she can move around. If she is out of it, she is pretty well confined to where she is placed (other than rolling herself around if she is on the floor).
So, hearing "confined" is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my ears, but some people are just fine with it.

 

[Mrsjvb]

. Some people refer to themselves or their children as "confined to a wheelchair". That one has always rubbed me the wrong way because it sounds like the person is chained to it against their will.

That's me.. when I was five and they didn't know what was wrong with me at first, they stuck me in a wheelchair until I was twelve. trust me, I was in that thing against my will, and there were times where I thought my Mother WAS gonna break out the chains to keep me in it!

 

[GroovyWheeler]

My community inclusion person, Bonnie (whose daughter Lorrie has severe cerebral palsy, and who has been my best friend for the last 6 years) sometimes uses this approach when she sees someone staring at her daughter. Or at both of us if I'm with them and I'm using my wheelchair, "Would you like to meet these two wonderful ladies?" That happened only on a couple of occasions when I was with them. Both times, people kind of backed off sheepishly.

Sometimes, it is OK to approach someone in a wheelchair and either you, or your son could ask them questions about why they use it. As long as they aren't offended by it. I know I've been in the same scenario one too many times. Not only as a wheelchair user, but because I was born with a genetic syndrome that's visible on the outside to anyone. I didn't know how to deal with all of the stares very well. But, my mom was always there to stick up for me, when she saw someone staring at me.

Now that I'm older and have been a wheelchair for the last 7 years, I welcome questions from those that are curious to know about why I use a wheelchair, or why my hands (or feet, when I'm wearing sandals) are smaller than the average person. But, I have had comments like, "Gee, your face looks funny", and to me, it hurts my feelings a lot.

Samantha

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Once while at WDW, my daughter (6 at the time) asked me why a man was in a wheelchair. Before I could answer my 8 year old son who has asperger's interjected:

It's obvious his legs don't work. Lots of people have problems just like Daddy's pancreas doesn't work and I have problems sometimes. ..and you, well you're just annoying.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It's actually a felony to interfere with a service dog team which includes distracting the dog, petting, etc.

Wow--I didn't know that.

Does your dog where a service jacket thing? (Not sure what they are called)

My girls love clifford and learned about service dogs on that program. I am constantly watching out for the little "service dog" covers--b/c then I know and they know that the dog is working and we don't ask. For them--they know it isn't just someone out taking their dog for a walk.

I'm actually surprised when someone volunteers that it is okay to pet their service dog b/c I didn't think you were supposed to do that while they were working.

 

[SueM in MN]

I'm actually surprised when someone volunteers that it is okay to pet their service dog b/c I didn't think you were supposed to do that while they were working.

The difference is that the service dog's human partner is volunteering it. They are the one directing the dog, so if they have given an OK to pet the dog, that is the dog's cue that he can be petted.
There are people who have emotional support dogs who have posted in the past that they 'encourage' people to stop them to pet their dogs.
That has led to debates in the past because that kind of activity can encourage people that it's OK to pet a dog, even when it is actively working and performing service for the person with a disability.