"When are you two going to have a baby?"

[LaurenLC]

Sorry, but I have to vent….. My husband and I have been married just about 3 years. I am approaching 30, and my husband is 33. I can honestly say that we are asked about 1-2 times a week by various different people, “When are you two going to have a baby?”
Here’s the thing…. We have been DESPERATLY trying to have a baby for about 9 months now, and are sick of people asking this… It’s like every time someone asks, we get to be reminded of our failure. We don’t want to bring up our struggles with people because frankly, it’s none of their business.
I guess my whole point to this rant is that people really have no idea how insensitive this question is… That, and I’m frustrated…
Thank you and sorry!

 

[tink_n_pooh]

I feel your pain

 

[DMickey28]

Lauren - That stinks! I am sorry ... I don't understand people that do that. I don't recall people asking DH and I that before we had kids but they might have and I blocked it out.

It took us 8-9 months to get pregnant with DS and 10 months this time.

I know that you didn't ask for any information and I am probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong but have you checked out Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler? They have website with an excellent forum as well, www.tcoyf.com. It's a wonderful book and great tool. When TTC DS I got PG the first month we seriously charted but ended in MC. Two months later we had a sticky. This time I charted for the full 10 months but I had egg quality issues this time. (I just turned 31 and turned 28 the day we concieved DS.)

Good Luck and I am sorry people can't mind their own business (well, like me but I'd NEVER ask!!)

 

[Robinrs]

I think there is a thread like this every few months...

It's a normal response to a couple. They will ALWAYS say the thing you want to hear the least. Like I tell my son... you cannot change people, only the way you react to them.

My first son died at 3 days old. People asked me so many times when we were having another one I almost pulled my hair out. What I had to realize is that they did NOT hear the first 20 times I heard that that day... they meant well and didn't intend to harm me. I took it that way because I was hurting. That's human.

Hang in there. It took 6 looooong years of trying to have my precious son. Whatever the outcome it will be what is meant for you.

 

[LaurenLC]

Thanks for the suggestion, but yes, I have read TCOYF and I am charting.... We both know it will happen when it's suppose to happen, it's just so frustrating. I truly know that people don't mean any malice by asking it's just again....SO FRUSTRATING!
Thanks for understanding!

 

[Ember]

Try answering, "We're don't think we're going to have kids." Oh, the fireworks that start after that!! I agree 100% that it's a rude and invasive question. People don't use the brains they were given half the time.

 

[melk]

When people ask me a personal, thoughtless question I usually just put it back on them and ask them "Why do you want to know?"

I've been where you are, hang in there .

 

[kpm76]

I am so sorry. I never, ever ask people when they are going to have kids because you just never know what people are dealing with on the inside and frankly, it is none of my business. If they have good news to share at some point, they will fill us in. I am particularly sensitive to your issue because I just found out that our second pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and I go for a D & C tomorrow Thankfully, we have a daughter who is 2 and I have drawn so much strength from her, but this is a heartbreaking and painful experience, especially since we believed everything was progressing just fine only to find that the baby stopped growing about 3 weeks ago.

Hugs to you and hope you and DH are blessed real soon

 

[LaurenLC]

I guess what I find most bizarre about this question is who asks it..... Our family almost NEVER asks... It's almost always people we work with, friends or my favorite, total strangers!

 

[pixie dust 112]

Years and years ago when we still had only 1 DD who was only 14 months old, someone told me that it was time to have a second. What she didn't know was that I had had a miscarriage the week before. I was in church at the time, so all though I wanted to burst into tears, I really couldn't.

People just don't realize how insensitive their questions or comments can be.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I am particularly sensitive to your issue because I just found out that our second pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and I go for a D & C tomorrow

I'm so sorry for your loss.


To the OP, I know people don't mean any harm but what the heck gives them the right to ask and/or grill you about your future plans. I usually have the uncanny ability to come up with something rude in these situations. I know I'm no better than they are, but I didn't start the conversation. I'm a Pooh-sized woman and had a complete stranger ask me a few years ago, in an elevator, when I was due. I immediately responded with (my daughter's birthday November __ 1995. That shut him up.

 

[minkydog]

I am so sorry. I never, ever ask people when they are going to have kids because you just never know what people are dealing with on the inside and frankly, it is none of my business. If they have good news to share at some point, they will fill us in. I am particularly sensitive to your issue because I just found out that our second pregnancy is a missed miscarriage and I go for a D & C tomorrow Thankfully, we have a daughter who is 2 and I have drawn so much strength from her, but this is a heartbreaking and painful experience, especially since we believed everything was progressing just fine only to find that the baby stopped growing about 3 weeks ago.

Hugs to you and hope you and DH are blessed real soon

Hugs to you. I went through this with my second child, 19 years ago. It was hands-down the most emotionally painful thing i ever experienced. I,too, had a pre-schooler who was the light of my world, but I still grieved that baby for months. It does get better with time. I remember her from time to time, and every Christmas(I lost her on Christmas Eve) but it's no longer painful. Kinda wistful, like "what if?" and "what would she have been like?" But it does get easier with time. It won't always be as painful as it is today.

OP, I sympathize completely. It took us 5 years to conceive and I don't know how many times I had to hear "when are you going to have a baby?" As if we were clueless about how that works. I finally got where I'd say,"We'll let you know..." The only thing worse than being asked when you're going to have a baby, is being told "Oh, you'll have another one" right after you experience a miscarriage. Especially when you're 35 and it took you 5 years to get the first one, and 4 years to get the next one. I really thought there was no hope. But despite all the tears and disappointment we did eventually have two more kids. I was 38 and 40.

I hope it will happen soon for you. I remember well how sad I felt when we were dealing with infertility. It's a hard place to be. Take care of yourselves.

 

[emer95]

Oh, that's so hard. I was you, 11 years ago. We went through two years of infertility and my family was relentless. No one knew we were trying because I thought that was private. Then one day my brother and SIL announced they were pregnant, and I burst into tears. Then everybody knew and they stopped asking!

Anyway, I completely know what you're going though, and I NEVER ask anyone that very private, personal question. And the happy ending to my story is that we ended up having two beautiful daughters. I pray that you have a happy ending to your story very soon. God bless.

 

[All American]

I live in Utah and went to BYU where it is not uncommon to marry young (I was 22) and have babies right away. I didn't have my first daughter until I was 26...I got a lot of that in those 4 years. I took a friend's advice. She said that if someone asked me when we were going to have a baby, to smile and sweetly say, "We're still practicing". That usually worked.

Now, I'm pregnant with number two, and it will have been over 5 years from my first. The questions started a couple of years ago (one person even said, "why are you getting a dog? Shouldn't you be having more kids?) to which I respond "We're broken". Again, that usually worked.

Hang in there. It's a difficult road, and I hope all goes well with you.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Not sure how to answer that question as I have been asked many times in the past. People think it is their business for some reason. I know myself that I would say something rude to shut them up so that they never asked again.
I have two children but have had two miscarriages since. One was after I announced I was pregnant so everybody at work knew. The second nobody but family and close friends were told. People at work and some friends constantly ask me if we are still trying etc. Like why is it any of their business?
I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant and only the people in our inner sanctum know because people are so inconsiderate and pry so much.
I can't answer for you on how to handle the prying but I would tell people you prefer not to discuss such personal matters and that when the big day comes along they will know.
*hugs* and hang in there with the trying. All I can suggest is to don't waste any time seeking a fertility specialist. My gync sent me to one after my first miscarriage "due to my age" and he was wonderful. The waiting list can be long so if you get referred soon it may take months to get in. And if something happens in the meantime you can always cancel.
Acupuncture helped as well.

 

[Kae]

It took us 5 years with DS it waa long haul & for the first year & used the "We're still practicing" line but once things started moving along with the doctors I flat out told the truth " the doctors have no idea why we aren't yet" And to this day the doctors still have no idea how & got my kids or why it took so long.

Kae

 

[pearlieq]

I'm so sorry. I really have no idea why people are so rude and thoughtless.

I know a woman in the neighborhood who says stuff like this all the time. I just started avoiding her after a while. She wonders why she doesn't have any friends.

Wishing you lots of luck!

 

[Michelina]

I can completely sympathize. We struggled through 10 years of infertility before we had our surprise baby.
I got this question ALL the time and my favorite response was "Well, it hasn't been for lack of trying!" with a big, ****-eating grin. This is especially effective for nosy old ladies.

 

[tonilea]

DH and I were married 15 years before DS was born. The first five years we weren't ready to have kids and I usually laughed when people asked. Once it became apparent that the previous five years of birth control had been a complete waste of money.... it wasn't funny any more. Eventually, I fell back on "If I have a baby, I can't BE the baby!"

Now, we get the question again - though not so much since we lost twins in Dec 07 & Jan 08. My new answer, "Probably never if it takes as long as it did to have Thomas. I don't want to be pregnant and drawing Social Security." (It is a bit of an exaggeration, but they back off.)

It hurts so much, it is hard to realize that people who ask such questions have never had to deal with the pain of infertility. They don't ask questions to hurt you, rather to engage you.

 

[skuttle]

I'm so sorry. We've been TTC #2 for just over three years. I get the "when are y'all having another one" all of the time. I would NEVER ask anyone that question because you never know what's going on.

We mentioned to my cousin and her husband that we were having problems TTC after they asked us when we were having another a few years ago. They had to do IUI to conceive their first (Then went on to have natural surprise twins a year later!!). Do you know they STILL ask me when we're having another one whenever I see them?!?

I'm on IUI #3 right now, but for my first IUI, I confided in a co-worker because I had to talk to someone about it. After the IUI, she asked me EVERY DAY if I "felt pregnant" yet. UGH! It was awful and I regretted telling her!

Here on the DIS we have a great thread for people TTC. If you ever need someone to talk to that understands what you are going through, please feel free to join us! TTC Thread