When a man has an affair?

[Scorpio67]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

I have NO idea to answer your question, but I'm only posting to say its not just a male thing. I HAD a very close girlfriend about 20 yrs ago and she was doing the exact same thing. Our friendship broke up for several reasons. She confided in me which put me in a place I didn't want to be as I was good friends with her DH too. She wanted to start using me as an excuse when running around. Not happening. Happy to say her DH ended up with a beautiful 2nd family and her who knows.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think some people are absolutely capable of thinking and behaving this way. I also think they are absolutely messed up. Only one thing drives people to break apart their lives like this and its emotional underdevelopment. They behave this way so that they have different outlets for their affections, which prevents them from ever really attaching themselves to another person. They lie to a spouse so they will have a family life because they are too needy to actually be independent. Then they run around like they aren't living a big fat lie because they really enjoy being selfish dut don't want to deal with the consequences of their choices. It's an emotional escape plan and it's extremely childish IMO.

If a person wants to remain free then be unattached and don't drag anyone else along with lies and deceit. Man up and either remain single or find a spouse willing to accept your behavior and deal with the consequences of that choice.

If a person wants a genuine companion then man up, make a choice and stick to it and deal with the consequences of that choice.

This goes for either gender, I don't like it when people intentionally deceive others for their own gain. It's the epitome of arrogance to think your wants are more important than another person's right to choose in or out.

 

[plutotek]

FWIW, traditional wedding vows usually include "forsaking all others" as part of the marriage contract. There are a myriad of excuses and justifications that a person, man or woman, can use for having an affair, but in the end it comes down to both parties have agreed to be monogamous in their relationship.

Again, I say this is in a traditional relationship. In an 'open' or other type of non-traditional relationship, then that's a whole different matter.

 

[suzannecstarr]

Very true, its not a man thing. Its a selfish person thing. Men are not programmed to need sex. Its not natural or animalistic desire that makes them stray. Thats all nonsense. Its selfishness. My first husband loved me dearly and never would have wanted our marriage to end but he is also an incredibly selfish man and so our relationship ended. Infidelity occurs when one partner puts their own pleasure over the health of the relationship. I don't care what reason they give (alcohol, sex addiction like everyone in hollywood, mid life crisis) its pure selfishness. If you're like me, you never regain that trust.

 

[Muggle-born]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

 

[MushyMushy]

I totally agree that it's all selfishness and woman can be just as bad.

 

[MushyMushy]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

I beg to differ. Somebody who lies, cheats, hurts and deceives somebody they are supposed to love and be loyal to most definitely lacks a certain degree of moral fiber.

 

[ajk912]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

I agree. Sometimes when I hear people being so judgmental to people who made bad decisions, it makes me really sad. I can see breaking up a friendship over something REALLY bad..murder or child abuse or something that is REALLY bad..but because a spouse strayed? People make stupid decisions sometimes. And I read so often that the person wasn't sorry, so they can't forgive, I get that to a point..but sometimes these bad decisions make us who we are, and we grow as a person because of the walks we walked in life.. I don't know, it's so "grey" and not really black and white.

 

[MushyMushy]

I agree. Sometimes when I hear people being so judgmental to people who made bad decisions, it makes me really sad. I can see breaking up a friendship over something REALLY bad..murder or child abuse or something that is REALLY bad..but because a spouse strayed? People make stupid decisions sometimes. And I read so often that the person wasn't sorry, so they can't forgive, I get that to a point..but sometimes these bad decisions make us who we are, and we grow as a person because of the walks we walked in life.. I don't know, it's so "grey" and not really black and white.

A one-night stand is a bad decision or mistake. A 2-month affair is a planned series of deceptions.

 

[Muggle-born]

I beg to differ. Somebody who lies, cheats, hurts and deceives somebody they are supposed to love and be loyal to most definitely lacks a certain degree of moral fiber.

Sure they lack the moral of cheating is bad but it never makes them moral-less and it doesn't mean that a person who never cheated has more morals.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals.

I beg to differ. Somebody who lies, cheats, hurts and deceives somebody they are supposed to love and be loyal to most definitely lacks a certain degree of moral fiber.

I have to agree. Also, if they will cheat on someone who they are supposed to love and be loyal to, will they also cheat in other areas of their lives? How can you trust someone like that? Would you question their honesty and integrity?

 

[Robinrs]

Yes.

I went to a seminar at my church YEARS ago that helped me to understand the dynamics of men and women.

Men and women need different things and hold all of what they love and need in different ways.

Women do not separate the items in their life. Their world is like a salad, everything in one bowl, nothing separate. At the job she's still Mommy, when she's Mommy she can still multi task and consider all areas of her life.

Men separate their life like a pie. Wife may be a big piece of the pie, but there are other pieces that are separate from her. Other pieces of the pie exist but their are all separate. They don't like them to intermingle, people have died trying to enter the other pieces of pie, it's sacred ground. Ask any mistress who threatened to tell the wife...

Of course this doesn't apply to EVERYONE, but it is an easier way to understand the viva la difference. Too many times women believe that men see life the way they do, which causes so many issues. They ARE different, that doesn't make them bad, it makes them what they are.

 

[Christine]

I can only tell you my anectdotal observations on the different men I've known over the last 20 years. There was only one man who I think really, truly loved his wife yet cheated like a dog. I think he just had some real issues and couldn't control himself. He didn't give a hoot for the other women involved and seemed to worship his wife family.

The other men I've known (the majority), if they are honest about it, have not been happy with their partners. They often make some other type of connection outside their marriage, starting off as friends, and progressing. They have cared deeply for the "other woman" and it has usually been a one-time thing and not a repeat offender pattern. When I've seen it happen, I'm never really surprised because the husband and wife don't seem to have much going for them as a couple.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Sure they lack the moral of cheating is bad but it never makes them moral-less and it doesn't mean that a person who never cheated has more morals.

So, if someone robs a bank, but would never cheat on their wife, I suppose that doesn't make them "moral-less" either. People can be incredibly moral in some areas of their lives, but that does not make their cheating any less vile. In fact, an argument could be made that they are worse -- because in every other aspect they know the difference between right and wrong. I agree with the poster that said cheating is all about being selfish. And trying to justify it seems silly.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I am using another name but just need some advice and have just been trying to process something. Here goes...

When a man has or seeks an affair, is it still possible that he is completely happy with his wife and his home life, but still just wants an occasional "thing" on the side to add some spice? I guess I've always thought there had to be more to it than that. Also, I think, how can someone who loves their spouse, loves their family, goes to church, etc. and still want something that is so harmful and hurtful? How is that even possible? How is it possible for a man to be happy with his life and do that?

My male friend I have shared this with says yes, a man can be completely happy at home and love his wife, not want a divorce, he just wants a fling from time to time. I don't get it...if men think that way, how can you fight that? If it's not about being happy, than how can a woman even begin to deal with something like this? It would be almost easier to understand if there were admitted issues, or the man wasn't happy, but I don't know how to deal with this kind of thinking.

To answer your question, yes it is possible for a man or women to be happy with their home life and want sex on the side. To some people it is just sex, it isn't love.

Some spouses are ok with this . Most, of course are not. To me, sex and emotional bonding go hand in hand...but that is me.. To others it doesn't.

Of course a one nite stand is just that...an affair implies more... unless it's a hooker if they keep going back... I would think there would be more then just sex involved.

 

[Muggle-born]

So, if someone robs a bank, but would never cheat on their wife, I suppose that doesn't make them "moral-less" either.

Exactly. Just because you do something wrong in one aspect of life, doesn't make you moral-less. Because if that wasn't true, any one who cheated on their homework, or on a test when they were 10... would be without morals.

People can be incredibly moral in some areas of their lives, but that does not make their cheating any less vile.

I never said it did. I think it's awful when a person cheats on someone they love but again, I do not think it makes them a person completely devoid of morals, they just lack that specific moral. [/quote]

In fact, an argument could be made that they are worse -- because in every other aspect they know the difference between right and wrong. I agree with the poster that said cheating is all about being selfish. And trying to justify it seems silly.

People do thing ALL THE TIME they know is wrong... I see people talking their cell phones while driving all the time on my commute everyday. IMO, those people are worse than people who cheat. While the people who cheat are possibly emotionally hurting the ones they love, the people who are driving and talking on their phone are endangering everyone they are on the road with.

I think people who cheat are selfish, but it's certainly not ALL about being selfish. And I'm not trying to justify it, I'm playing devil's advocate to the extreme judging of the cheaters as a population. Because, like I said, it's NOT a black & white situation.

 

[disneyhand]

I've known someone who was like this, my best friend that I've known since I was 2. I say that because I trust what he tells me in what he says, and I know when he's lying or not telling me the whole story.

James and his wife Sarah got married very young, they were only 19. They had been together since they were 13 though. Now, at 25, he has managed to be with another woman since, someone that we both know, as does Sarah. There's nothing wrong with James, Sarah or the other woman Katie. They're all three wonderful people who, imo, have better morals than 95% of the people I know. Cheating, whether you're the cheater or the person cheating with, doesn't make someone bad, nor does that mean they lack morals. And it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you either.

I just think people get caught up into bad situations, or tempting ones and they suffice. James and Katie were doing their extramarital activities for about 2 months. It had nothing to do with how he loved Sarah... NOTHING. There was nothing to sway James away from Sarah either, no fighting, no financial problems, all in all, many people would envy their situation (aside from the affair). He ended it, not because anything emotional changed but because Katie was going to grad school at Columbia.

It's very easy to judge a situation when you cannot see it first hand. And while I got a good look at it, I still didn't see it first hand. But I'm not going to think any less of a person, especially my best friend, because of a series of "bad decisions".

I'm not saying cheating is OK but to make it a black & white situation is... unfair (for lack of a better word).

But, did Sarah know about the affair with Katie? Was she cool with it?

If/ when you are married and your spouse cheats, is that acceptable/ forgivable for you?

 

[LiberalPrincess]

People do thing ALL THE TIME they know is wrong... I see people talking their cell phones while driving all the time on my commute everyday. IMO, those people are worse than people who cheat. While the people who cheat are possibly emotionally hurting the ones they love, the people who are driving and talking on their phone are endangering everyone they are on the road with.

I think people who cheat are selfish, but it's certainly not ALL about being selfish. And I'm not trying to justify it, I'm playing devil's advocate to the extreme judging of the cheaters as a population. Because, like I said, it's NOT a black & white situation.

And I disagree. While I agree that talking on your cell phone is bad, unless the talker made a personal promise (or vow) not to do it, it is a completely different situation. You are talking about breaking a law versus breaking your word. I do see cheating as a black and white situation, and all about selfishness. The cheater made a vow and is breaking it. Simple as that. I don't think anyone has said that someone who cheats has no morals whatsoever, but there is a reason it is called cheating.

 

[Muggle-born]

And I disagree. While I agree that talking on your cell phone is bad, unless the talker made a personal promise (or vow) not to do it, it is a completely different situation. You are talking about breaking a law versus breaking your word.

It's a vow in life not in endanger the lives of other people. It's the same as driving drunk, at least with driving drunk, the person is usually driving at night with less traffic. Breaking a vow is MUCH less of a problem than potentially killing people. Sorry, they don't compare, potentially killing people ALWAYS trumps hurting someone's feelings in the game of who is worse.

Idk about you, I'd rather have someone cheat on me than have a good chance of killing me. I like my life, hurt feelings=something I can recover from. Death=not something I can recover from.