What's your take on this situation?UPDATE post 50

[luvmy2sams]

Wow - she's trying to avoid $15 a week because she can inconvenience you for free. Not a friend I'd want.

IMO, there's really no room for favors when you are doing daycare. Favors are for "trading", not always onesided. I've done favors for lots of friends and they've done the same for me, but anything that is for work purposes we've always paid. The rule in our group is that if you are making money you share it with the one who is enabling you to do so.

When she originally presented her situation to me, she told me that it would save her $200 a month in afterschool care. I found out the true cost shortly thereafter.

DH thinks this is one reason why she's taking so much advantage. I did babysit for her some this summer and she did (sometimes) pay me. DH thinks that because of this she now considers me to be an employee of hers, which if true, makes me hopping mad. I agree that favors should be reciprocated, which is what we agreed this situation would be. That hasn't been the case though, and now I don't think I care for it to be.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Thank you all for your continued take on this situation. I really appreciate your perspective, and I think it'll give me the confidence I need to take a stand here.

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the other posters. You need to tell this woman, "I'm sorry, this arrangement isn't working out for me. You'll need to make other plans." And if/when she calls in the future for a favor that isn't convenient, feel free to say, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me."

My SIL and I occasionally trade favors like babysitting and the like. When SIL wants something that isn't convenient or that I just plain don't want to do, I let her know that it doesn't work for me and she makes other arrangements.

Sometimes, my SIL gets miffed, but I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. And neither are you. If your "friend" gets upset than that is her problem, not yours.

 

[karebear1]

When she originally presented her situation to me, she told me that it would save her $200 a month in afterschool care. I found out the true cost shortly thereafter.

$15.00!?!?!? Are you serious??? With this added bit of information, I would be sure to let her know that you know what the true cost for her would've been and that you don't appreciate her "stretching the truth" about the financial aspect of this deal! GRRRRRRR!!!!

You can take total control of what is happening in this situation. You need to take the emotionality out of this. Just tell her this is no longer a situation that will work for you- and in the future do not volunteer or agree to help out. She's totally taking advantage of you.

 

[RadioFanatic]

I think you should ask her to take care of your kids for a weekend while you and dh go away on vacation. If she says no, then you can call her bluff and say you aren't taking care of her kids anymore.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

First of all, I would remind her about the $ that she owes you from the summer. She needs to be up to date with that and you shouldn't write it off as a lesson earned if she said she would pay you.

Too bad that you haven't been speaking up more this year. I can't believe that she hasn't offered to pay you for your time since it isn't a carpool situation.

She should spend the little money it would cost and have her kids stay at school the extra hour until her husband could pick them up. She seems like a cheapskate to use you for free!

Good luck!

 

[MamaLema]

I agree with PP. You should tell her nicely that it's just not working out. I would rather lose a friend than put up with that for who knows how long.

You can do it!

 

[Marseeya]

Based on something Christine said earlier, I just don't understand how you would drop her like that if you haven't told her the troubles you're having with the kids! It sounds to me like she doesn't even know how the kids are behaving. Would her extra requests cause you so much grief if everything went smoothly in the car pool?

I just can't see letting everything fester like this. I'm sure she's not a mind reader.

(note, I'm not saying she's NOT using your friendship, just that how can you know if you haven't even been honest with her???)

 

[Christine]

Based on something Christine said earlier, I just don't understand how you would drop her like that if you haven't told her the troubles you're having with the kids! It sounds to me like she doesn't even know how the kids are behaving. Would her extra requests cause you so much grief if everything went smoothly in the car pool?

I just can't see letting everything fester like this. I'm sure she's not a mind reader.

(note, I'm not saying she's NOT using your friendship, just that how can you know if you haven't even been honest with her???)

Thanks, Marseeya. That was what I was trying to get at. Despite the "user" that she appears to be, I think it's also not good to just drop someone without being honest and forthright about the situation. I would absolutely tell her how much the kids and their lack of responsibility is causing grief. Tell her that you will give her 2 more weeks to get her kids in line, to be prompt, and to have this running smoothly. I do feel that if everyone (the kids) did their part, this would really be no sweat for you to do.

My neighbor drives my son to school every morning with his DD. (No he's not a SAHD but the school is on the way to his office). I make sure that my son is at their house on time, that my son is on his BEST behavior, and never causes my neighbor one bit of problem. I would be mortified if he did.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Based on something Christine said earlier, I just don't understand how you would drop her like that if you haven't told her the troubles you're having with the kids! It sounds to me like she doesn't even know how the kids are behaving. Would her extra requests cause you so much grief if everything went smoothly in the car pool?

I just can't see letting everything fester like this. I'm sure she's not a mind reader.

(note, I'm not saying she's NOT using your friendship, just that how can you know if you haven't even been honest with her???)

I have repeatedly talked to my friend about how the boys don't come out as requested and told by their teachers...how the daughter never seems to be able to let the boys in promptly. Believe me, she knows exactly how the kids are behaving.

Would her extra requests cause so much grief if everything went smoothly in the carpool? Yes, they would. She'll call me on my cell phone to see if I'll pick the boys up so she can have drinks with friends after work...she calls to see if I'll chauffeur her step-daughter around...I could go on and on. I really don't mind helping out a friend, but I'm thinking this has turned into much more than that for her.

I guess I am letting it fester, but I want to reiterate that I have spoken to her about these things in the past. It just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I don't want to leave her in the lurch, but quite honestly, I don't think she'd be helping me out if the situation was reversed.

EDIT: Okay, after I reread my previous response to Christine, this response makes no sense. Forgive me, DS2 has been up since 3am with some sort of bug. In the beginning I was talking to my friend about the issues with her kids, but I haven't said anything for the past few weeks. Whenever she asks lately I've told her that they're usually in extended care, and I have to pull them out of it. I assumed, probably in error now that I'm typing this, that she would realize that when the boys are in extended care it means I have to unload my kids from the car and drag them across the school in order to check the boys back out. I assumed she would address the situation again with her kids...I know I would...so I didn't feel the need to ask her to speak to them, so in that sense I've been avoiding it lately. Does that make sense now? Geez...I need some sleep.

 

[DisneyArk]

Thank you all for your continued take on this situation. I really appreciate your perspective, and I think it'll give me the confidence I need to take a stand here.

Good for you!! I tend to avoid conflict at all costs. Another mother recently encouraged me to speak up in situations like this because if we expect our kids to stand up for themselves (pier pressure) then surely we can stand up too! Right?

By the way, if I agreed to continue then I would tell her that if the boys were not outside waiting to be picked up then I would have to go on with my plans and her husband would need to pickup the boys at school and pay. Don't make excuses for why you can't go find them, just say you can't.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Remember, you aren't a doormat until you lie down.

 

[MinnieM3]

I see nothing wrong with cutting the cord with this gal.

BUT, if you want to keep trying, I would tell her if the boys aren't out and ready with yourown kids at pick up, you're leaving them. If it's like my school, all left overs go to afterschool. DD needs to let them in on time, also. I wouldn't leave them on the front stoop, but let "friend" know when it happens.....honk for DD, etc.

Sorry you are being taken advantage of. She sounds like a real piece of work

 

[Lil_Tink]

I agree. She should maybe be doing you favors to. I dont understand why the 17 Daughter can pick them up? I pick up my 9 year old brother sometimes. (I walk about 1 mile to his school to to) or wait for his bus.

 

[kadaten]

Well, first we find out she's a user.
Then we find out she's a cheapskate (using the OP to avoid $15/week in child care).
Then we find out she's a liar (she told OP she'd save $200/month if only the OP would help out).
Not exactly the kind of person I'd like to hang out with, and certainly not the kind I'd be doing favors for.

Based on something Christine said earlier, I just don't understand how you would drop her like that if you haven't told her the troubles you're having with the kids! It sounds to me like she doesn't even know how the kids are behaving. Would her extra requests cause you so much grief if everything went smoothly in the car pool?



I just can't see letting everything fester like this. I'm sure she's not a mind reader.

(note, I'm not saying she's NOT using your friendship, just that how can you know if you haven't even been honest with her???)

I don't know about that. Personally, I think any person with 1/2 a brain would realize what they were doing (using, abusing).

For example: we're new in our area and have yet to find a sitter, so DH and I haven't been out without the kids in over 3 months. I was lamenting this fact over breakfast with a new friend who is my next-door neighbor. She immediately offered to keep them the next Friday night. I told her "No, Ada, I can't let you do that. I know you'd never let me pay you, and I also know that since your college-age daughter lives with you (in addition to her 4 & 6 year olds), I'd never be able to reciprocate, and I won't use you like that! If I ever have an emergency or am completely desperate, I'll know where to turn, but for a normal Friday night out, I'm just not comfortable doing that."

Maybe I'm over-sensitive, but this issue seems to come up a lot in mom circles (working and not) and I refuse to be a user. I value my friendships too much to flush them over something as pitiful as $15/week!

 

[Lil_Tink]

The 17-year-old's school is 4 blocks from our homes. The other kids attend a school that's about 2.5 miles from here. DH thinks their DD should be picking them up, as well.

Shes 17 why cant she drive a car...

 

[Marseeya]

EDIT: Okay, after I reread my previous response to Christine, this response makes no sense. Forgive me, DS2 has been up since 3am with some sort of bug. In the beginning I was talking to my friend about the issues with her kids, but I haven't said anything for the past few weeks. Whenever she asks lately I've told her that they're usually in extended care, and I have to pull them out of it. I assumed, probably in error now that I'm typing this, that she would realize that when the boys are in extended care it means I have to unload my kids from the car and drag them across the school in order to check the boys back out. I assumed she would address the situation again with her kids...I know I would...so I didn't feel the need to ask her to speak to them, so in that sense I've been avoiding it lately. Does that make sense now? Geez...I need some sleep.

Thanks so much for clearing that up! In that case, then I agree 100% with the other posters.

I wish you the best of luck with this. It sounds like cutting these ties aren't going to be easy.

 

[Marseeya]

Maybe I'm over-sensitive, but this issue seems to come up a lot in mom circles (working and not) and I refuse to be a user. I value my friendships too much to flush them over something as pitiful as $15/week!

It doesn't crop up in my mom circles because I'm very good at saying "NO!" I also don't ask anything of my friends either, but we all know we can count on one another if we need to.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Shes 17 why cant she drive a car...

She doesn't want to get her license. Can't imagine why...she'd end up taking my place.

 

[luvmy2sams]

I also don't ask anything of my friends either, but we all know we can count on one another if we need to.

This is the case with all of my other mom friends and I, too. DH and I rely on each other unless it's a dire emergency, and thankfully that hasn't happened yet. I just made a big mistake in doing so much one-sided stuff for this one.