What's wrong with people?

[Jennasis]

Break-ups suck no matter how the message is delivered. It wouldn't have been any better, more pleasant or easier to have him do it in person. It would have only allowed her to become emotional to his face (cry, beg, demand, yell etc). That said, I feel terribly for her.

Luckily she's young and hasn't invested too much time on this guy...energy yes...time...no. The right guy will come along.

To be honest, from your description (albeit brief) of your DD's relationship and all she did for the guy, it DOES sound to me like she was a bit too much for him. While it may sound great (all the care packages) it could be smothering to some...and apparently he is one of those who was smothered by her affection. Someone more appreciative of her will come along.

 

[angwill]

It stinks to see our children hurting. At least she got to talk to him about the break up over the phone. Nowadays most people seem to break up by text or just changing their status on Facebook.

My DS's girlfriend changed her status in May this year to single and did all kinds of fun things with him all summer long, letting him pay and never said a word. He just noticed her status change on facebook in the middle of August. He questioned her about it and she said they were broken up with since May. She never even bothered to tell him. Then to make matters worse she gave his cell phone number to two of her girlfriends who text harrassed him saying the most awful hatefull things every couple minutes for two days till I saw the messages and put a stop to it. He is better off without her. I am sure your daughter will realize she is better off without him in the future and will find Mr. Right. What doesn't kill her will make her stronger.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So my daughter waited four years for her high school boyfriend to come out of the service. She couldn't do enough for that guy--packages upon packages of baked goods, books, gifts while he way away. When he was in NC, she went there whenever she could go down. He's been out of the service and home now for six weeks and decided she's too clingy and broke up with her over the phone, even though they live 10 miles apart. She's so down, and I'm so angry...

Sorry for your dd, sucks getting burned and used.

I want to say like everyone else here to look on the bright side of things. Your dd sounds like a wonderful caring person who is going to make someone a wonderful partner.

 

[terri01p]

 

[FireDancer]

Totally unfair and uncalled for. You're hearing one side of the story that is about two people who dated in high school.

Be careful! Pointing out there are two sides to a story is frowned upon here.

 

[cm8]

So my daughter waited four years for her high school boyfriend to come out of the service. She couldn't do enough for that guy--packages upon packages of baked goods, books, gifts while he way away. When he was in NC, she went there whenever she could go down. He's been out of the service and home now for six weeks and decided she's too clingy and broke up with her over the phone, even though they live 10 miles apart. She's so down, and I'm so angry...

Wow, he seems to be suffering from other things, hope he gets well soon. I know your daughter must be hurting. Please don't let her think she is at fault for his reaction.

He wasn't the one. Best she find this out NOW and not when they were married with children, consider it a blessing.

AMEN!

 

[rigs32]

I don't care what the mitigating circumstances or how much he "changed." He's a jerk for the way he handled the break up, plain and simple. Its immature and pathetic.

If these were two full-blown adults, I might agree with you. But we're talking about a high school romance that lasted 4 yrs beyond. He's at most 22? 23? and he's been dating her and in the military during that time. He may not have broken up with anyone before. And the guys in his peer group that he might have turned to for advice may not have been much help.

Does it suck? Yes. I don't think it make someone horrible for wanting to end a relationship, even if they choose a less than stellar way to do it. How long should he have stuck it out to make up for her care packages and letters? How many more years wasted?

 

[hereyago]

So my daughter waited four years for her high school boyfriend to come out of the service. She couldn't do enough for that guy--packages upon packages of baked goods, books, gifts while he way away. .

Ok, playing devil's advocate: Did he ask her to wait for 4 years? I would not want my DD to wait for anyone, especially young.

terri01P- Yes, women are "supposed" to nurture and take care of those who won't or can't take care of themselves, love can change a man thing. BTDT=now I am a non waiting, none nurturing and it's still all good.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP, I'm so sorry for your daughter...that's not nice of him; he certainly should have met with her.

They change when they come back...

It may not be right, but when they come back, the world is a new place, and everything is different. The normal becomes uncomfortable. It is a major adjustment.

I have a cousin who came back totally different, broke up with his girlfriend.

I had a co-worker who was engaged, planning a wedding, and buying a house with her soldier who was in Afghanistan. He was the PERFECT guy. She would get fresh flowers, candy, etc., delivered to work almost weekly from him. When he came back, he was different and he needed space. He pushed her away, and she tried to cling until she finally let loose.

I have a friend of a friend who married a soldier, had a baby with him, moved to Kansas with him and started a new life. He came back from Iraq and couldn't do it anymore. They are now seperated.

My mom's fiance (before my dad) came back from Vietnam TOTALLY different. They broke up almost immediately.

I'm not saying it's right, but they change.

I definitely agree that war changes things...

A friend of mine at the Y...married for quite awhile, they have a 9 year old. They've been trying and trying for another baby, and she's much older than one normally thinks of when thinking about childbearing age, so she's been doing all sorts of things (acupuncture, nutrition, herbal medicine, etc etc etc) while her husband was in Iraq. His time for coming home was approaching, she was talking about how they'll try again...and he told her not to get her hopes up, as he was leaving her when he got home. They'd just moved from Germany to WA, and bought a house together, a YEAR before.


I saw a sign today near the courthouse..."there is no such thing as an unwounded veteran of war"... And I definitely think it's true.

Totally unfair and uncalled for. You're hearing one side of the story that is about two people who dated in high school.

What that was was someone supporting a young woman in the way that women support each other. There's a period of time when you don't say anything positive about the breakup, about how maybe he had a point, etc etc..it's just "he's rotten and a loser and didn't know what was good for him".

Don't take it so seriously. (you too, firedancer!) It's just girl stuff. (stuff I'm not doing right now, but still, girl stuff) (and I'm quite sure that guys do their own version of it!)

My DS's girlfriend changed her status in May this year to single and did all kinds of fun things with him all summer long, letting him pay and never said a word. He just noticed her status change on facebook in the middle of August. He questioned her about it and she said they were broken up with since May. She never even bothered to tell him.

That's horrible!

 

[mjkacmom]

While I think it stinks how he did it, I wouldn't blame him for getting out of the relationship (and when you hear about people breaking up via texting or emailing, or even facebook, maybe he was less cowardly than others). I'd never expect my children to marry their highschool sweetheart - I know some do, and it can work out, but most people change and grow apart as they become adults. Being in the military, he was probably pushed sooner, and that might be a good thing.

 

[declansdad]

O


What that was was someone supporting a young woman in the way that women support each other. There's a period of time when you don't say anything positive about the breakup, about how maybe he had a point, etc etc..it's just "he's rotten and a loser and didn't know what was good for him".

Don't take it so seriously. (you too, firedancer!) It's just girl stuff. (stuff I'm not doing right now, but still, girl stuff) (and I'm quite sure that guys do their own version of it!)

Please! It is judgemental and uncalled for. You can support another person without making comments about another person's, whom you don't know, character.

 

[mdsoccermom]

I'm sorry the OPs daughter is hurting because a break up is never easy. And I do think there were better ways to break up than over the phone. However, why is everyone acting as if this guy had an obligation to stay with her? Because she sent him care packages?

People change. After being out of high school, then in the service for 4 years and then spending time together, he realized several things about her and himself. Maybe she was too clingy. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship right now. It was his right to call it off. Doesn't make him a loser or a user.

 

[sbsteel]

Now she's 30 and alone.

30 and alone?! The horror!

OP, I hope your daughter eventually realizes that it's for the best. Breakups suck, no doubt about it.

 

[krcit]

I'm sorry the OPs daughter is hurting because a break up is never easy. And I do think there were better ways to break up than over the phone. However, why is everyone acting as if this guy had an obligation to stay with her? Because she sent him care packages?

People change. After being out of high school, then in the service for 4 years and then spending time together, he realized several things about her and himself. Maybe she was too clingy. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship right now. It was his right to call it off. Doesn't make him a loser or a user.

I agree. I also would never want someone to stay with me because he felt like he 'owed' me. I'm sure he appreciated all that his girlfriend did for him but that's not a reason to stay with someone.

OP, I'm sorry that your dd is hurting. It stinks.

 

[MichelleVW]

Its REALLY jerky to break up with a long term relationship over a phonecall when you are ten miles apart. I don't care what the mitigating circumstances or how much he "changed." He's a jerk for the way he handled the break up, plain and simple. Its immature and pathetic.

Why is it jerky? When someone breaks up with you it sucks...in person or on the phone it sucks. There is no way to do it that won't get feelings hurt.

I know the OP said her daughter waited for 4 years for him to get out of the military, but as a retired military person and former young person at one time, I can pretty much lay money on the fact that the boy had girlfriends where ever he was stationed. I've seen it many times. They have their "back home girlfriend" and they have their "where they are stationed girlfriend".

 

[lovemygoofy]

The guy did the daughter a favor. It may not look like it and I know it hurt's and it was rotten the way he broke up with her but it was a favor.

It takes alot to reintegrate after being apart for so long. It's alot of work and it's not just mushy lovey dovey. It takes patience and understanding. I can understand how he learned to be apart from her for most of the past 4 years and now could be overwhelmed by her love in person. Both my husband and I have had this problem even now after 8 years of marriage and many seperations and reintgrations.

He is more than a little overwhelmed with this transition whether still in the military and back from a deployment or out of the military and now onto a civilian life.

In the end I think he did the right thing even if in not a gentleman manner.

 

[eliza61]

He may not be a jerk, don't be so quick to judge.

They change when they come back...
.

My mom's fiance (before my dad) came back from Vietnam TOTALLY different. They broke up almost immediately.

I'm not saying it's right, but they change.

Don't pass judgement until you have walked in their shoes.

... Still, so sorry your DD is hurting. We ALL know that feeling.

How old is your dd and her ex. They simply sound young. You guys mean to tell me you've never had a heart break when you were younger?

Op, it sucks when you see your daughter hurting but it's the normal part of becoming a adult. she's going to meet a few weeds before she gets to her roses.

It was a very inconsiderate way to end a relationship but I've heard of people getting texts and emails saying it's over.


Give her a hug.

 

[terri01p]

 

[jsmith]

What Tina said My husband and i have been together almost 30 years and we struggle with reintegration everytime he returns-what was normal in our relationship before the first deployment is light years from the normal we have now three deployments later-it takes ALOT to make it thru that-and whether she realizes it or not he may have done her a favor-hes not the person she knew in HS-and never will be again. I know it hurts-and he handled it badly-but she will recover and find the true love of her life.

 

[Jennasis]

I was actually waiting for that comment to be picked apart...ding, ding you win the prize congrats true diser. The comment was not made as a sad aspect of her life it was a simple statement of where she is right now, "30 and alone" now that she wasted 5 years on the same guy.

She isn't alone OP. She has you and the rest of her family.

She is simply now without a man. We all know that nobody should have their self-esteem or self-worth tied to another individual. So help her to see what a great person she is, maybe even better or stronger than before, so she can move on. I know it's hard to see it now, but someday she will look back on this and sigh relief, and maybe even laugh.