What's wrong with getting married young?

[Queen2PrincessG]

ooooh. Guess you told me.
Um, just curious. Not that the thought even occurred to me before your post. But when you say you don't want your daughter to marry before age 26 "So she can live her life and have fun"

are you somehow implying that your impression of marriage is that it equates to "Life over, fun is gone?"

If so that makes me kind of sad for you. I'm guessing maybe your own marriage could use some work.

Marriage is a different stage of life of course it is fun but it isn't the same fun as being single. Neither are better than the other just different. I'm a better wife because of my experiences as a single woman and I'm a more rounded person because i've see the world on my own before settling down.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I know. But to flat out imply that anybody who married young that thinks they've been happy is "foolish" and probably too stupid to know better is just ridiculous and frankly pretty immature and unaccepting. It's the type of argument I'd expect a young teen to make. "I hate Green Beans. EVERYBODY hates Green Beans!!!!"

She thinks that way fine. I think it's pretty close minded to be unable to comprehend that there are people different than you and just because they are different doesn't mean they are unhappy failures.

Listen if you are happy fine, sure,but to me you are only happy because you don't know the difference. You don't know true independence or what its like to be with yourself and alone with your own thoughts To never have had to spend time with anyone but you. It's the world you know. To me because I've experienced that i'm better off in my marriage because I appreciate what life is like with Dh because I know what life without him was like. Which also makes me stronger because i know that i could survive without him too.

 

[BeefJerky]

Listen if you are happy fine, sure,but to me you are only happy because you don't know the difference. You don't know true independence or what its like to be with yourself and alone with your own thoughts To never have had to spend time with anyone but you. It's the world you know. To me because I've experienced that i'm better off in my marriage because I appreciate what life is like with Dh because I know what life without him was like. Which also makes me stronger because i know that i could survive without him too.

Ignorance is bliss?

 

[FredinFL]

Back in the day 30 was middle aged. Most people didn't live as long as they do now. Well, not without being locked up in an attic or something.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Ignorance is bliss?

Or a divorcee when hubby wants a newer model or has a mid life crisis. But yes. it is. They really don't know anything different It's like the kid you take to Disney but never take to BBB or shopping. They don't know they are missing out, Disney is still great but for other kids THEY KNOW.

 

[RitaE]

I'm not Independent? And to you I'm only happy because I'm too thick to understand that I'm really unhappy. Okay. Gotcha.

You don't even know me so how in the world could you possibly make that judgement?

Maybe during that time you spent on your own with your own thoughts becoming such a well rounded person --- you might have missed out on developing the skill to comprehend that somebody doesn't have to be exactly like you in order to be intelligent, happy, well rounded and complete.

Except ... I'm probably just too stupid and foolish to realize any better.

 

[BeefJerky]

Or a divorcee when hubby wants a newer model or has a mid life crisis. But yes. it is. They really don't know anything different It's like the kid you take to Disney but never take to BBB or shopping. They don't know they are missing out, Disney is still great but for other kids THEY KNOW.

So, husbands who married young are going to dump the wife?

Sorry, that is something my ignorant mind cannot comprehend, y'know..me being a child bride and all.

 

[FredinFL]

Piffle.

I think it has much more to do with marrying the right person than it does with what age you married. I still think there's no big rush, but it's not "wrong". Some people will really be ready to be married young, others not ever.

 

[indimom]

Listen if you are happy fine, sure,but to me you are only happy because you don't know the difference. You don't know true independence or what its like to be with yourself and alone with your own thoughts To never have had to spend time with anyone but you. It's the world you know. To me because I've experienced that i'm better off in my marriage because I appreciate what life is like with Dh because I know what life without him was like. Which also makes me stronger because i know that i could survive without him too.

You do know that couples aren't actually glued at the hip during the ceremony, right???

I've had hours and days during my marriage to be alone with my own thoughts and know enough to appreciate the blessing I have in my hubby. I've survived my own battles from a young age all on my own with no help from anyone including adults. I've fought my own battles for my career where DH could not have helped me even if he wanted to. I've problem solved when occasions came up and Dh wasn't there to bail me out. (Maybe someday I'll regale you all with the night I had to fight off the coon in DS's bedroom because DH wasn't home. )
And, God forbid, if hubby was gone tomorrow, I would raise my children on my own. I'm a survivor with or without him.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I'm not Independent? And to you I'm only happy because I'm too thick to understand that I'm really unhappy. Okay. Gotcha.

You don't even know me so how in the world could you possibly make that judgement?

Maybe during that time you spent on your own with your own thoughts becoming such a well rounded person --- you might have missed out on developing the skill to comprehend that somebody doesn't have to be exactly like you in order to be intelligent, happy, well rounded and complete.

Except ... I'm probably just too stupid and foolish to realize any better.

No one was speaking directly to you. The (YOU) isn't directed at YOU.
I never said you were unhappy just that you don't know what you missed. You can't deny that. Did i use the word stupid?

 

[5lilfish]

I'm not Independent? And to you I'm only happy because I'm too thick to understand that I'm really unhappy. Okay. Gotcha.

You don't even know me so how in the world could you possibly make that judgement?

Maybe during that time you spent on your own with your own thoughts becoming such a well rounded person --- you might have missed out on developing the skill to comprehend that somebody doesn't have to be exactly like you in order to be intelligent, happy, well rounded and complete.

Except ... I'm probably just too stupid and foolish to realize any better.

This is me too! I got married at 22...after 5 yrs of dating. DH and I have been married for 15 yrs now and we have 5 children. I seriously doubt that the reason I am happy is because I don't know any better.

Jess

 

[Becky2005]

You do know that couples aren't actually glued at the hip during the ceremony, right???

Of course, then again I'm leaving hubby behind to go on vacation this summer and let's see I took off with DD when she was 9 months old to visit my sister. True it was with my parents but I have taken off with the 3 kids to go visit a neighbor that moved and left DH home. I managed all by myself.

 

[5lilfish]

No one was speaking directly to you. The (YOU) isn't directed at YOU.
I never said you were unhappy just that you don't know what you missed. You can't deny that. Did i use the word stupid?

I can deny that... I think that is ridiculous reasoning, honestly. Are you unhappy that you waited to be married because you did not experience what it was like to be married at a younger age? What sense does that make?

Jess

 

[pixiefairy]

I got married right before I turned 25, and I think that was a pretty good age. Dh was done with school and well into his chosen profession. I had a child at age 20, and had been living what I refer to as "real life" taking care of a child and working full time. We have had bumps in our journey, but we've gotten through them and are stronger for it. My one best friend got married at 20 and was divorced by the time she was 24. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. She got re-married when she was older, had a child and was stable, however, she married a man who was younger and it didn't work out, again. He wasn't ready to be unselfish and self sacrificing when it came to being part of a family.

I tell my son who is 15 (almost 16..eek!) that he should go out there and live life, experience things and travel WITHOUT being married and having a family..simply because it's a lot more difficult when you have to put our your big boy pants and take care of other people. It's not because I don't think he'd be capable at 19 or 20 to get married...I think he just needs to sow some oats before settling down. That's my own personal opinion...but whatever happens, happens.

 

[Becky2005]

I never said you were unhappy just that you don't know what you missed. You can't deny that. Did i use the word stupid?

However, what if we don't care about what we missed?

I can guarantee you there are girls that go to Disney that couldn't care less about BBB. Does that mean they aren't as happy going to Disney World?

I'm pretty sure those of us that married young understand we possibly gave things up and we don't necessarily care about those things. Then again I suppose if you are thinking the DH would dump them for a younger model -- it's not so much the female getting married young that is the problem but the males. It wasn't specified.

 

[Colleen27]

My other concern is with divorce. Sadly the divorce rate is about 50%. What will a women do with only a high school degree, three kids and a divorce in her late 20s. By that time there is little chance she could go back to college to get a good paying job. If she was a SAHM before the divorce she would have to take very low paying job and would struggle for many years to come.

But that's a reality that has nothing to do with age at marriage. Only about 25% of American adults have a degree; people who marry young can finish college and many who marry later never do.

And being a SAHM for any length of time, regardless of education, decimates your earning potential. There have been several news articles lately that have interviewed HR people who say that if you've been out of work more than 6mo you're not going to get an interview. Degree or not, old experience or not, once you've been away from the workforce you're not a desirable employee.

Or a divorcee when hubby wants a newer model or has a mid life crisis. But yes. it is. They really don't know anything different It's like the kid you take to Disney but never take to BBB or shopping. They don't know they are missing out, Disney is still great but for other kids THEY KNOW.

You don't have to live a specific lifestyle to know it isn't what you want, or isn't worth the tradeoffs it takes to get there. Different people want different things from life. And it doesn't take being alone for a pre-determined period of time to know you can survive without your spouse.

BTW, as far as your analogy goes... My kids have done BBB and the Pirates League, shopped to their hearts content, and decided all of that was fun once but not worth taking time away from the rides and attractions to do again. They know, but they don't want it.

 

[indimom]

But that's a reality that has nothing to do with age at marriage. Only about 25% of American adults have a degree; people who marry young can finish college and many who marry later never do.

And being a SAHM for any length of time, regardless of education, decimates your earning potential. There have been several news articles lately that have interviewed HR people who say that if you've been out of work more than 6mo you're not going to get an interview. Degree or not, old experience or not, once you've been away from the workforce you're not a desirable employee.



You don't have to live a specific lifestyle to know it isn't what you want, or isn't worth the tradeoffs it takes to get there. Different people want different things from life. And it doesn't take being alone for a pre-determined period of time to know you can survive without your spouse.

BTW, as far as your analogy goes... My kids have done BBB and the Pirates League, shopped to their hearts content, and decided all of that was fun once but not worth taking time away from the rides and attractions to do again. They know, but they don't want it.

Aah, blessed logic!

And, I have to add on the subject of getting to "do things" and whether or not you are "missing out" Where does that logic end?

I mean, Okay, the kids have done BBB and Pirates, they've shopped with an unlimited budget, but HAVE THEY SLEPT IN THE CASTLE???? Well, then they can't possibly be happy because they are still missing out.

 

[GinnyEmma]

One of my favorite people in the world is 75 and never married. She has lived a life movies are made of. According to that poster and using her logic she has possibly missed out on an amazing life by settling down and getting married at 26. Poor thing! Actually, come to think if it, I was traveling through Europe my 27th year. Dang, so sad she sold out at 26.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Yes, but if Mr/Ms Right isn't willing to wait for their partner to be on their own and finish college then have you really missed out on happiness or have you dodged a bullet?

Obviously if one person wants to wait, then both parties are not ready. I am talking about when both the people are in love, and feel ready and willing to make this committment.

If my daughter or son came to me and said "X wants to get married, I want to finish college but he/she says they won't wait" my advice would be, then this marriage is not right at this time, maybe not ever.

I also agree that we all will miss some type of experience. We can't all have everything. So we have to choose what we do want to experience and when we want to experience it. To me, that is so individual and so varied, it can't be that there is a perfect age or time.

It happens when it happens. As Firedancer put it so well, right now Ms. Right has not come into his life. When and if she does, he'll know it. Until then he's happy and enjoying life. Somebody else his exact age may be married for several years and a dad and feeling the same contentment in life. Good for both of them, they are both winning!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Listen if you are happy fine, sure,but to me you are only happy because you don't know the difference. You don't know true independence or what its like to be with yourself and alone with your own thoughts To never have had to spend time with anyone but you. It's the world you know. To me because I've experienced that i'm better off in my marriage because I appreciate what life is like with Dh because I know what life without him was like. Which also makes me stronger because i know that i could survive without him too.

Intereresting outlook. I don't agree however. My mother married in 1954 when she was just barely 19. She had been dating my dad since 16. In 1972, my dad at age 40 died. My mom was 37, she had been with this man since she was 16, never technically been on her own. She had not worked in years. She survived just fine. It was tough and she did remarry eventually but she was able to survive just fine on her own. Good thing since that marriage ended in divorce. So she, who had married quite young was able to survive a death of a spouse and a divorce when her second husband had an affair with a much younger co worker. This notion that if a woman marries young and then is widowed she will be unable to function is not always the case. Women by our very nature are strong. That is inside every woman and believe me, just because you married later does not guarantee you will come through widowhood (and I pray you never have to) or divorce better than the next woman in a different situation. For sure its a gamble but so is all of life.

I happen to think there is more than one way to survive a crisis. And absolutely no way to guarantee anything you have done will for sure guarantee you do. It can go either way for anyone.

I will tell you that my mom, SAHM, young bride, widowed suddenly with no warning survived her widowhood and life far better than other women I have known who married later, had careers and then were either widowed or divorced.

Just as the poster you quoted doesn't know a "difference" from her own life, you don't either. We don't get to live dual lives so therefore none of us know differently.

I do see your point and a lot of it makes sense for you and for many others. But I am sorry I disagree with the notion you are somehow set up to handle a crisis or tragedy better because you lived on your own.