What's wrong with getting married young?

[bdcp]

I know many couples, our age and young who married under age 22 and honestly, they are just as happy if not happier than my friends who married at 35+. What I have found with couples who marry young, they grow up together and have shared experiences of building an entire life together. I was 21 and DH was 24. My sisters were 22 and 23 and their DH's were 25 and 23. We've been married 30 years and my sisters 28 and 19 years. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting married young. There is no rule that says you have to own a house or have $ in the bank to be happy in a marriage. Most of our friends who married around the same time we did, all rented apts for a few years before they saved enough together to buy their first home.

I do get really tired of people saying that someone was too young to get married because they were only 18 or 20 or whatever. My parents were 20 and have been married 52 years happily. They too built everything they have together.

Something else I've found is being able to have children. DH and I were 23 and 25 and 24 and 27 when we had our 2 boys. I got pregnant easily with no hand wringing, intervention, etc. We now live in a neighborhood where couples chose to have the big house, nice cars, etc. before they had kids and all but one or two of my neighbors had major problems conceiving, all over 35. People don't like to believe it, but fertility really drops after 30.

 

[bdcp]

Most of the time getting married young is a bad idea. Statistics prove this to be true.

You know what they say about statistics, right?

How about real life experiences?

 

[RitaE]

Most of the time getting married young is a bad idea. Statistics prove this to be true.

The rate is higher but not shockingly higher. It's a misconception that nearly all young marriages are doomed.

The divorce rate for women who marry at age 20 runs about 60%. (Teen marriages 17, 18, and 19 tend run higher. Completing a High School Education is a big milestone for holding onto the marriage) The divorce rate for women who marry between the ages of 25 to 30 runs around 50% and the national average divorce rate is usually around 50%. Which pretty much says that as a society divorce happens regardless of age at marriage.

The highest divorce rate is among those who have already been married and divorced. The divorce rate for 2nd marriages is usually around 65% and third or higher marriages runs in the 70percentile.

So I guess the lesson is - Be careful marrying young but if you mess it up the first time REALLY be careful after that.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I liked what someone wrote earlier about the early 20's being a good time. There is something to be said for a couple getting set in their ways together, instead of 2 people set in their ways trying to come together later in life.

I would like to see board members of the LDS faith post on the thread. They tend to marry young and stay together.

I am not LDS, but I am of a very conservative faith. It is not uncommon for people of my faith to get married in college or immediately after. We do not believe in cohabitation before marriage, and we (mostly) do not drink or "party." DH and I started dating my freshman year of college - I was 18, he was 20. We got married right after I graduated, and he was almost finished with his Masters - we were 21 and 23. We had our first child 4 years later, and just had our second. We're coming up on our 8th anniversary. It's not unicorns and rainbows every day, but I don't think we missed out on anything by not partying it up in our 20's.

 

[handinpocket]

I know many couples, our age and young who married under age 22 and honestly, they are just as happy if not happier than my friends who married at 35+. What I have found with couples who marry young, they grow up together and have shared experiences of building an entire life together. I was 21 and DH was 24. My sisters were 22 and 23 and their DH's were 25 and 23. We've been married 30 years and my sisters 28 and 19 years. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting married young. There is no rule that says you have to own a house or have $ in the bank to be happy in a marriage. Most of our friends who married around the same time we did, all rented apts for a few years before they saved enough together to buy their first home.

I do get really tired of people saying that someone was too young to get married because they were only 18 or 20 or whatever. My parents were 20 and have been married 52 years happily. They too built everything they have together.

Something else I've found is being able to have children. DH and I were 23 and 25 and 24 and 27 when we had our 2 boys. I got pregnant easily with no hand wringing, intervention, etc. We now live in a neighborhood where couples chose to have the big house, nice cars, etc. before they had kids and all but one or two of my neighbors had major problems conceiving, all over 35. People don't like to believe it, but fertility really drops after 30.

You clearly must condone 13 and 14 year old girls becoming pregnant!!! That is exactly the point I was trying to convey in my post.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I don't think there is one blessed thing wrong with getting married young. I was 2 days over 21 and DH was 24 when we married twentysomething years ago.

We are still together and we are still happy. We knew we wanted to live the rest of our lives together, so we got married. 20+ years on, we still know it. My parents got married at about the same ages we did, for the same reason; 60 years later, they are still together as well.

I also don't get this whole "you have to live first" I've lived plenty and so has DH and it was better, I think, because we knew we had each other's backs, had each other to rely on completely and totally.

Yes, I married the first man to capture my heart, and honestly, I don't see how going thru two or three guys just for the sake of the experience would've made my life better.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I met my husband in college - I was 17, he was 18. We dated the entire time we were in college and married after we had both graduated. We were both 23 when we married and did not live together until we married. We waited over 5 years to have our first child, and another 3 years for our second. Being together for so long, we kind of grew up together, had a chance to really get to know each other, in good times and bad. We had separations in the summers (when I would go home to my family and he to his) and stayed faithful. We've been married 14 years, and together for over half our lives and have a wonderful marriage and life together.

Like a previous poster, we are both very conservative in our beliefs and the shared faith has made our bond stronger.

It's always been my belief that a couple should know each other for at least 2 years before they marry, and be married 2 years before they have children. I've read that if both of those conditions are met, the divorce rate is considerably lower than average.

 

[ZachnElli]

I got married at 20, dh had just turned 25. If I had not had kids young, I would not have kids. That is a fact. At 28, I could no longer carry a pregnancy. I certainly don't advocate teenagers having babies , but 20 somethings, absolutely! I know several women who waited and are childless. I don't understand what is wrong with bringing up the fertility issue! Oh dh and I will be celebrating 19 years in a few months and we were talking about going to Italy for our big 20 year anniversary!

 

[Handbag Lady]

There is no right answer.

It just depends on the people.


My friends got married right out of High School. They are still married. I married at 32 and I'm still married. My parents married right out of High School, had the house, had two kids, and divorced after 30 years of marriage.

Two colleagues I've had married in their later 20's and both of them are divorced.

There just isn't a template. Some people need to sow their oats and grow. Some people need to stick with one person their entire life and sowing their oats is too scary.

I know for myself, I would have made a horrible wife at age 18. I was even engaged then and I have no idea what mature gene possessed me to call it all off.

 

[Kennywife]

You are trying to be rude and I'm just going to ignore your stupid question. It is a well known fact that fertility decreases as a woman ages and I have seen many couples going through this now. If they hadn't waited until their late 30s, 40s, they very well might be parents now. Just look at the TTC thread on this board.

Also 13 or 14 wouldn't be the OPTIMAL time for a woman to conceive but rather in her 20s, but as a DOCTOR you should know that....right?

Ok, I just have to speak up here. I AM a member of the TTC board. I am 34, happily married to a wonderful man of 5 years. We've been together since 2000.

We got married when I was 29. We weren't ready to be married before. I fell down two steps and broke my leg severely in 2003 right after college. It took me a year an a half to get up on my feet before we could even plan to get married!

I have been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist recently. I have hyprothyroidism, not infertility. That's what's causing my problem. It wouldn't have mattered what age I was...I've had it ears and had horrible AFs to boot.

It makes me furious when people who have never been in the shoes of someone who is having troubles conceiving can just judge. It's not always because of age. In my case, I was born that way...I got it from my grandmother.

 

[mrsstats]

Married at 18. Married 41 years now. No kids (maybe that is why we lasted) No regrets on being married at 18. We grew up together, with a life full of love

 

[Colleen27]

It probably has a lot to do with the maturity of today's young adults. I don't know any 18 or 19 yr old who are mature enough to be married and have children. Most of them can barely look after themselves.

In my opinion, it is entirely our own fault. Many of us chose to have smaller families and as a result have more time and money to "dote" on our children. The result is that we have helicopter parents raising snowflakes who aren't as self-reliant as we were at the same age. We've created a monster.

Yeah, this. "Childhood" now extends well into the early 20s, with most kids that age still living at home or in a dorm, partly or wholly supported by parents, and not ready/willing to take on being entirely responsible for themselves much less for someone else as well. And I think the more emphasis we as a culture place on "me time" (traveling, partying, generally only thinking of one's self) before marriage, the more young adults come to enjoy that lifestyle to a degree that interferes with the selfless tendencies required for successful marriage and parenting.

I married at 22. DH & I partied together, travel together, bought our dream house/money pit together, and have basically gotten set in our ways together. We started out in a one-bedroom pit of an apartment, moved up to a "manufactured" home on a postage stamp lot, then to a tiny 3 bedroom cottage and now our historic "forever" home. We've been broke and not knowing how we'd pay the bills, and we've built a business together that has made it so that we can travel and spend time with our kids because we're not punching a clock. Both of us went to college before we met and neither of us wants anything to do with the careers we chose at 17, but I don't think either of us would have struck out on the path we've made without the support/encouragement/faith of the other.

And as others have said, age does matter when it comes to having kids. Our third and last child was born when I was 29 after a long road of miscarriages and thinking we'd never have her, and I thank my stars every day that I had the kids young because those problems are only likely to get worse as I get older.

 

[si-am]

You are trying to be rude and I'm just going to ignore your stupid question. It is a well known fact that fertility decreases as a woman ages and I have seen many couples going through this now. If they hadn't waited until their late 30s, 40s, they very well might be parents now. Just look at the TTC thread on this board.

Also 13 or 14 wouldn't be the OPTIMAL time for a woman to conceive but rather in her 20s, but as a DOCTOR you should know that....right?

Have YOU looked at the TTC thread? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Most people on that thread didn't get married in their late 30s and 40s; I can't think of anyone on that thread whose problem is age.

It is true that fertility decreases with age, yes, but "just look at the TTC thread" isn't evidence of that.

Some people just don't meet the right person in their early 20s. I don't think anyone should settle desperately for the first guy who comes along just so they can get knocked up more easily. What a terrible thought.

To answer the OP's question: I think it really is a matter of personality and life experience. I didn't meet ANYONE in my early 20s that I should have married (or even wanted to).

 

[kirstenb1]

Many girls biologically can conceive by 13 or 14 these days.

Do you think that is a good idea?

I saw you and Handinpocket arguing back and forth. Where did you deduce that she meant people should have children as young teenagers?

I thought she posted a valid concern; that you should not wait too late to conceive. We had our first daughter when I was 31. It took 4 yrs to conceive our younger dd. I do think waiting until my mid thirties was a mistake. I never thought in a million years I'd be 39 and pregnant.

This isn't meant to be an insult to anyone past a certain age. I'd just always envisioned we'd have our kids by the time I was 35 or so.

Back to the OP. We have been married 22 years, and we got married right out of college.

 

[Kennywife]

Have YOU looked at the TTC thread? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?

Most people on that thread didn't get married in their late 30s and 40s; I can't think of anyone on that thread whose problem is age.

It is true that fertility decreases with age, yes, but "just look at the TTC thread" isn't evidence of that.

Some people just don't meet the right person in their early 20s. I don't think anyone should settle desperately for the first guy who comes along just so they can get knocked up more easily. What a terrible thought.

Amen!!!! Thank God I didn't marry the first guy I dated....horrible thought. I wanted a better life....is that wrong? No, I don't think so. My man is awesome ad I couldn't be happier with him.

I was commitment phobic before we married...my parents were.....not the shining examples of a happy marriage to say the least. So, I was gun shy about ANY man for years. Kenny took his time and wore me down.

And like i said before, easy to judge if you haven't walked in a ttc-ers shoes.

Gabbie

 

[Pigeon]

We got married at 22 and have been happily married for 30 years. But I think it would have been much better if we'd worked on our careers or gone back to grad school before getting married, to be honest. Fortunately, we put off having kids for a long time, because personally, I think there's something to be said for being older and a little wiser.

We joke that our girls can date when they turn 35.

 

[katie26]

People are all different, and they're all ready for marriage at different ages. My younger brother just got married to his high school sweetheart at age 25. They're a wonderful couple and we're all so happy that they were lucky enough to find a great partner in each other at such a young age, and that they were able to change and grow together. My parents got married at 19 and 21 and are still together and madly in love. Young marriages can definitely work.

Me, on the other hand? I just turned thirty and wouldn't give up the experiences I've had being single through my twenties for anything. Being single in my twenties meant that I was able to learn how to live by myself, how to master all of the important living skills like balancing a budget, keeping an apartment clean and killing a gigantic bug in the bedroom at three in the morning. It meant that I got to choose my career without thinking about what my husband or children required from me, but instead by thinking about what would make me happy and fulfilled. I got to take off on international vacations with only a few weeks notice and travel to places that I wouldn't want to bring a young child. I got to date tons of interesting people from lots of different places - and for this, of course, it helps that I live in New York City - and learned lots of cool things from almost every one of them. (One guy introduced me to contemporary art, another one expanded my musical horizons, another one took me to amazing restaurants and taught me how to appreciate incredible food, and so on and so on.) And perhaps most important, I've learned what I do and don't want from a relationship. I have learned how to survive a broken heart. I have learned how to eat in a restaurant alone. I have learned how to be really, truly independent. And these are all experiences that I think will help me when, hopefully, one day I am raising a son or daughter of my own.

Does that mean my brother should have broken up with his then-girlfriend, now-wife, and taken off on a trip around the world or a crazed dating frenzy? Absolutely not. We're different people who want different things out of life, and we were ready for different experiences at different times.

But I personally am grateful for all of the experiences that I had in my twenties that I don't think I would have had with a husband at my side. And, more importantly, I thank God that I didn't marry the man I was in love with at eighteen, or the man I was in love with at twenty-five. Neither of them would have made ideal partners, but it took me a while to figure that out. Now, at thirty, I'm dating a wonderful man who has the patience, kindness and intelligence that I have come to realize are the most important things to me, and I do finally feel like I'm ready to get married. But - for me - that's because I now know that I've tasted a little bit of the big buffet of life, and I know what I like and what I want a whole plate of.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Because I believe young people should experience a bit of life, travel and such, finish college, and have several years of work experience before they start having children.

OP, are you even 30 yet? Things can look a lot different at 50. I'm glad it's working out for you, and you live in another country where the culture might be different.

None of my friends who married before they were 20 are still married 30 years later.

Lol, I have seen the opposite. I got married at 29, but all but 2 of the early marriages from my highschool years are still sound. Of the crew who got married around our time the numbers are more lime the 50/50 avg.

My only concern for someone like the op is that sometimes things dont work out and her skillset would make life difficult.

 

[palavra]

There is nothing wrong with getting married young, to each their own. The female body is built to carry and bear children most efficiently when she is YOUNG.

I see so many couples getting married in their late 30s or 40s and wondering why they are having trouble conceiving. I see lots of infertility problems in this group's futures.

Actually, many women can and do conceive naturally well into their 40's. Some people wait to get married because they haven't found the right person yet.

 

[marie1203]

We got married young. DH was 21 I was 20. Now everyone we know is surprise how mature we are for our age. We would of never consider getting married if we couldn't support ourselves. DH join the military at 18 thankfully got promoted pretty fast to were he was making a decent salary when we got married. Financially we are in a great situation compare to most of our friends we are in the best situation overall. Just like I am thankful that I didn't finish the first career I went to college for since I decided that is not what I want to do. I am back in school with a new career that I love. I think because of the military and specifically the job that DH does had made us grow fast. It has also make us work thru very difficult things together. We been married 3 years and I can say we are truly happy. We will be together 6 years this year. We don't have kids and we don't plan on having them for a while. I think that getting married at a young age had allowed us to grow together as individuals and as a couple. My grandparents got married early 20s and been together for 58 years, my other grandparents were married and 18 and 16 been married for 62 years and his only grandparents that are still life have were married at 18 and they been together for 55 years. In the other hand my sister is 20 and she is not even close to ready for marriage. I think getting married young is not for everyone but it was for us. Is something I never thought I would even consider but life throws at you what you least expect!