What's fair?

[Minnie_me]

I have two older brothers. Our mother is 77 years old and has dementia. We have hired a Home Health Aide to come into her house several times a week to check on her, tidy up, fix her some meals, etc. It costs about $600 a month.

One of my brothers is having a fit because I can't contribute much at all to this. But here are the circumstances:

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

Brother #2: Vice President of a lucrative design firm. Owns a $1million home, 4 cars (BMW, Lexus, etc.), has every luxury. Can afford just about anything without a second thought.

Me: Single mom with two children. Rural county school teacher. Juggling bills, mortgage on my own, and all expenses with measly child support to help. Living literally paycheck to paycheck with absolutely nothing in savings. (on the up side, I have no debt aside from house and car)

How is fair that I would have to pay $200 a month toward our mother's care? For my brothers, it's a drop in the bucket. They've even said so! But Brother #1 wants it to be "FAIR", so he's insisting that I pay 1/3. Brother #2 and I try to tell him my favorite saying when it comes to fairness and my children: "Fair doesn't always mean equal". I am willing to give what I can, when I can, but absolutely can NOT pay 1/3.

Advice? BTDT?

Edited to add: None of us live near our mom..........the closest one is over 2 hours away, the furthest is over 6 hours away. It's terrible to be so far and feel so helpless.

 

[kerplop]

I think in an ideal world it would be split up three ways and everyone would be happy. As it is you're not in a situation where you can do that without a significant risk to you and your kids. Sure it may not be "fair" to your brother to have to pay more, but in the end it has to be done and you can't help do it. It is what it is and to be blunt, he needs to grow up. Obviously if you were able to help out, I'm sure you would, and for the time being you cannot and he needs to accept that. My question is, is there anything else you could do to help out the situation that doesn't involve money? Is there any way you could reduce the price of services by picking up the slack yourself? If not, no big deal, but it's just something that occurs to me as an outsider.

 

[Minnie_me]

My question is, is there anything else you could do to help out the situation that doesn't involve money? Is there any way you could reduce the price of services by picking up the slack yourself? If not, no big deal, but it's just something that occurs to me as an outsider.

Good point -- I edited my OP to provide more info that is relevant. None of us live close enough to help physically.

 

[jaminmd]

I have two older brothers. Our mother is 77 years old and has dementia. We have hired a Home Health Aide to come into her house several times a week to check on her, tidy up, fix her some meals, etc. It costs about $600 a month.

One of my brothers is having a fit because I can't contribute much at all to this. But here are the circumstances:

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

Brother #2: Vice President of a lucrative design firm. Owns a $1million home, 4 cars (BMW, Lexus, etc.), has every luxury. Can afford just about anything without a second thought.

Me: Single mom with two children. Rural county school teacher. Juggling bills, mortgage on my own, and all expenses with measly child support to help. Living literally paycheck to paycheck with absolutely nothing in savings. (on the up side, I have no debt aside from house and car)

How is fair that I would have to pay $200 a month toward our mother's care? For my brothers, it's a drop in the bucket. They've even said so! But Brother #1 wants it to be "FAIR", so he's insisting that I pay 1/3. Brother #2 and I try to tell him my favorite saying when it comes to fairness and my children: "Fair doesn't always mean equal". I am willing to give what I can, when I can, but absolutely can NOT pay 1/3.

Advice? BTDT?

Edited to add: None of us live near our mom..........the closest one is over 2 hours away, the furthest is over 6 hours away. It's terrible to be so far and feel so helpless.

I find the adjectives you use to describe your brothers financial situation interesting in comparison to your own. Unless you truly know every detail of their financial situation, you don't know that they are as well off as you think they are.

I have 7 siblings. We are all in different places financially but we have always evenly split anything pertaining to our parents.

I hope you and your siblings are able to come up with an amicable solution. I am glad you are doing this for your mom.

 

[happygirl]

You aren't going to like this, but I think you all need to spilt it evenly.

 

[ilovemk76]

I understand where your brother is coming from. Just because they make more does not mean that they should have to pay more. She is all of your mothers.

What surprised me is that the richer brother is not paying both his and your share. He agrees that you should not pay but he wants to dictate what your brother pays.

I have two older brothers. Our mother is 77 years old and has dementia. We have hired a Home Health Aide to come into her house several times a week to check on her, tidy up, fix her some meals, etc. It costs about $600 a month.

One of my brothers is having a fit because I can't contribute much at all to this. But here are the circumstances:

Brother #1: Manager of a good business, makes pretty good money. Has no children. House is paid for. Wife is disabled, collects SSI. They don't do vacations, don't have any luxury items, so are able to afford helping out with this expense.

Brother #2: Vice President of a lucrative design firm. Owns a $1million home, 4 cars (BMW, Lexus, etc.), has every luxury. Can afford just about anything without a second thought.

Me: Single mom with two children. Rural county school teacher. Juggling bills, mortgage on my own, and all expenses with measly child support to help. Living literally paycheck to paycheck with absolutely nothing in savings. (on the up side, I have no debt aside from house and car)

How is fair that I would have to pay $200 a month toward our mother's care? For my brothers, it's a drop in the bucket. They've even said so! But Brother #1 wants it to be "FAIR", so he's insisting that I pay 1/3. Brother #2 and I try to tell him my favorite saying when it comes to fairness and my children: "Fair doesn't always mean equal". I am willing to give what I can, when I can, but absolutely can NOT pay 1/3.

Advice? BTDT?

Edited to add: None of us live near our mom..........the closest one is over 2 hours away, the furthest is over 6 hours away. It's terrible to be so far and feel so helpless.

 

[Minnie_me]

I find the adjectives you use to describe your brothers financial situation interesting. Unless you truly know every detail of their financial situation, you don't know that they are as well off as you think they are.

Believe me, I know their situations well. We are close. My brother even told me that he can "easily" afford these payments, but thinks that it's not "fair" for me not to pay a full third.

You aren't going to like this, but I think you all need to spilt it evenly.

It's easy enough to say, I guess. The fact is that the money is not there. I don't have it. I'm already scrimping and saving just to make ends meet. There is nothing I can get rid of that I haven't already done since my husband left us. My girls have given up their extra curricular activities and sports, we sold our house and moved into a much cheaper house in a not-so-great neighborhood. There's nothing else to sacrifice. It's already being done just to get by. I've been sending checks whenever I can, usually about $50-75 a month. But no way can I do $200. I'd have to get a second job. Now, how is THAT fair??

 

[Minnie_me]

What surprised me is that the richer brother is not paying both his and your share. He agrees that you should not pay but he wants to dictate what your brother pays.

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

 

[Darcy03231]

If your mother has been diagnosed with dementia, doesn't she need more care than a home health aide a couple of times a week? With that kind of a diagnosis, if she's living alone it may be time to start looking into assisted living/nursing homes so she has someone there 24 hours a day.

 

[Minnie_me]

If your mother has been diagnosed with dementia, doesn't she need more care than a home health aide a couple of times a week? With that kind of a diagnosis, if she's living alone it may be time to start looking into assisted living/nursing homes so she has someone there 24 hours a day.

She is in the beginning stages of dementia. Her physician recommended this level of care.

We have a plan in place for each stage as her condition progresses.

 

[happygirl]

Believe me, I know their situations well. We are close. My brother even told me that he can "easily" afford these payments, but thinks that it's not "fair" for me not to pay a full third.



It's easy enough to say, I guess. The fact is that the money is not there. I don't have it. I'm already scrimping and saving just to make ends meet. There is nothing I can get rid of that I haven't already done since my husband left us. My girls have given up their extra curricular activities and sports, we sold our house and moved into a much cheaper house in a not-so-great neighborhood. There's nothing else to sacrifice. It's already being done just to get by. I've been sending checks whenever I can, usually about $50-75 a month. But no way can I do $200. I'd have to get a second job. Now, how is THAT fair??

Because she's your mother as well, Yes your brothers can afford it but it's not fair they have to pay your share, they work hard for there money just like you do. They can't force you to pay more. So don't worry about it.

 

[livndisney]

He does pay my share. And I send him checks when I can. He's not complaining. It's the other brother who doesn't like the arrangement and is being a jerk about it.

If the bill is being paid and your 1 brother doesn't have a problem paying your share-why do you care what brother 2 thinks?

 

[cvjw]

Are you going to get an inheritance from your Mother at some point? If so, your brother should keep up with the amount that he is covering for you each month, and deduct that from your inheritance amount. I feel that each child should do their equal part - she is the mother to each of you.

 

[mrsklamc]

What's fair is for you to pay 1/3. The reality is that you cannot do that. Life is not fair sometimes.

 

[kchughes]

No opinion on what is fair or isn't fair. But a suggestion. Check with your states Medicaid office. Even if you have to spend down some of Mom's assests, if there are any, she may qualify for 'caid services that would supply a personal care aid for a set number of hours per week. I know in my state, there are financial qualifications, but if a person meets nursing home level of care and wishes to remain in their own home, then 'caid assists with the expense. Good Luck to you.

 

[DizneyGal86]

You and your one brother made a deal - you are doing what you can and your trying. Don't let your other brother get to you - its between you and your other brother.

 

[scrapquitler]

How much of the $600 is coming from your mother's money or insurance coverage? I would think that the place to start would be with her own money. After that, it would be a good idea to start investigating options in her own local area for help...are there any type of programs that she might qualify for to help her either get different assistance, change her living arrangements or get financial coverage? If she's suffering from dementia and none of her children are nearby, even with home health aides, she might not have the support and care that she needs...she might need a different sort of situation.

Next: No, it's probably not 'fair' for your brothers to expect you as a single parent to pay as much as they do. But lets turn this around and mention that it's also not 'fair' for you to assume that THEY can afford their share or more, either. Just because Brother #1 APPEARS to have a decent financial situation, you might not really KNOW for sure that his finances are stable. He might not be mentioning to you that his business is not as solvent as you think, his mortgage might not be up to date, etc. I know that I don't share my financial information with my sibilings, and they don't with me, and we probably all make bad assumptions about one anothers net worth. In addition to that, you mention that your brother #1 has a disabled wife. Sure they are going on vacations and things look okay, but maybe they are stressed about their future (maybe they are running up their credit card bills paying for this travel now because they are worried she won't be able to do it five years from now?)

I think you have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your brothers. If you can't do it, you can't do it. But please, try not the let this get in between you and damage the relationship you have with them.
This kind of situation is never easy for anyone. I hope that the three of you can find a way to resolve it without causing any animosity. I think the place to start is to explore ways to pay for it without the three of you footing the entire cost.

 

[MrsPete]

Not the answer that you want, but a fair answer: Each sibling should pay 1/3. Each of you has made choices, each of you has different salaries and resources. Your income isn't related to your family obligations.

If it's genuinely impossible for you to pay your share, perhaps you could look at moving in with her (couldn't you work in that area?) so that you could do "your share" in physical work rather than paying in cash. Or perhaps she could move in with you. Or perhaps you could negotiate an unequal share of the potential inheritance with your two brothers.

These aren't easy situations.

 

[NVDisMom]

First Dealing with a family member that suffers from dementia is tough. My FIL is a stage 3 Alz patient. We live an hour and a half away and SIL lives 18 hours away. We do what we can to help, but its never enough. Fortunately, MIL is still mostly capable of taking care of him. We set up a caregiver to come in once a week to stay with him while MIL visits her mother and does the weekly shopping and basically gets a break. But, they pay for it. Why can't your mother afford to pay for her own care? Are there any services that are available locally that can assist with this? Any social safety net programs if she is financially unable? As for the brotherly situation...As long as your "share" is covered, why is it any of his business on where it comes from? Tell him you and your other brother have it covered and to mind his own darned business.

 

[LoveBugs]

I hear "it's not fair" from my kids all the time and I tell them I agree, but that's life. It's not fair that one has no school and gets to go to the park with me, so do I keep her home from the park? Do I pull the other kid out of school to go to the park? There's fair and there's reality and common sense. If you and your well-off brother have figured out a way to cover the costs, that's what matters. Perhaps in the future you could repay that brother in some way, but for now, you're doing what makes sense and gets your mother the care she needs.