What would you do?

[mrsltg]

Merry, your first tag had me laughing at the irony here!

Miss Jasmine- I know what you mean about the line of work. When I told Mike (My DH) he said, "Ok, pick a parent. Which one looses a knee cap?" HE WAS KIDDING... no one get upset!

Thanks for the links, Rita. I appreciate it. Some very interesting stuff there.

Again, I really don't dislike the child or fault her. I just want the adults around these two kids to act collectively and responsibly for the best interests of these girls!

Erin

 

[MerryPoppins]

LOL! Toothy smiles probably aren't very high on your list right now, are they?

 

[tigercat]

When my kids were little they played with the neighbours kids on both sides of us. They were all around the same age. There was a biter in the group. He had 3 sisters and was not abused. That was just how he showed his frustration. The mothers all learned to really keep an eye on him and remove him when we saw his frustration level going up. His mother was just horrified and did everything she could to get him to stop. When he found that no one would play with him and he would be removed when he started to get angry he stopped, but it took a while.
tigercat

 

[mrsltg]

Ok, so here's the latest!

I took Dierdre to the the doctor on Friday afternoon because her finger was getting red and puffy... she's on ceftin for 10 days to clear the infection.

I spoke with her daycare director at length to discuss the problem. This has been an ongoing issue. Apparently, Jessica does not want Dierdre to play with anyone or anything besides her. When Dierdre does, she gets upset, and sometimes violent. The teachers have tried seperating them, but Jessica keeps going to Dierdre, and in the teachers words, "just hassles and harasses her". Last week, they tried moving Jessica to a different room and she hated it. She kicked and screamed and wanted to be back in her own classroom. They (the daycare) caved.

When I spoke with the director, she told me that Dierdre would now be moved to the other room because, "Dierdre is so easy going and friendly and she'll just make new friends." I promptly said, "NO WAY!" I told the director that my daughter would not have her routine and her friendships and teacher relationships upset due to the poor behavior of another child. I made it clear that I thought that it sent the wrong message. The classroom that they wanted to move her to was also a younger group, so Dierdre would be basically pushed back in activity level and curriculum due to this. The director understood and agreed.

This morning when I dropped Dierdre off, Jessica was in the other classroom. I know that the teacher that is now responsible for Jessica is upset because she was counting on having Dierdre (again, easy-going), and not having Jessica. The teacher told me "Jessica doesn't like this class." I politely, but firmly, replied, "that's too bad."

So that's where it stands now. If Jessica bites again, she's out. The director will now observe Jessica's behavior this week with the other kids (apparently, she only does this to Dierdre). She will also allow limited contact between Dierdre and Jessica to see if Jessica goes for Dierdre again, if she does, even without a bite, she'll be disenrolled.

Thanks so much for all of the support and advice. Dierdre is doing well, and is very happy to tell me that, "I'm not playing with Jessie anymore!" Her hand is healing great, and she's not in pain anymore.

Erin

 

[vald1977]

So happy to hear that you stood your ground and had the other child removed from the classroom instead of your daughter. I hope it all works out from here on in.

 

[ToyStory Fan]

That's terrible for what your little girl has had to go through. Where are the "teachers" at this facility when this is going on???? I agree with Jeff (jfulcer)'s comments on this one.

 

[wdwnutze]

I wouldn't encourage your daughter to push her friend but I would insist to the daycare that they only play together when they can be supervised by an adult. There was a little boy at my dd's daycare a few years ago that was always biting. They tried separating him and supervising him but the problem continued and they finally told the parents that they couldn't care for him anymore. They have a lot of children that deserve a safe environment and getting bitten isn't safe for anyone. Your daycare provider owes it to the children to keep them safe.

 

[stego]

where they're coming out of the aquaduct and Targo yells at Simon-"I told you not to play with him!"

Simon replies: "That's very helpful!"

I love the reply:

Call a lawyer immediately!

That was very thought out, don't you think?

Dragging this through the courts is going to help the children?
Cool.

Ok, let's say the child is removed.
Does the issue go away?
Not for the parents of the child.
I'll list an example here, just for s-n-grins.
Let's say you removed the alcoholic from the bottle.

So the problem is fixed, right?

Right?

You're still left with an alcholic. There is still a problem. Period.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter's injury. I have found out through my own experience that daycare/pre-school's don't have the staff to deal with these kinds of situations, not like at a regular school-that has a nursing staff, counselors, psycholigists,etc.
The ratio in pre-schools/daycares is 20+ to 1. It's almost impossible to have the care provider watch everyone, all the time.
The best thing the director can do is removed the problem, for the good of all.
However, the parents of the child who's doing the biting still have a problem.
I'm glad to hear that you're doing all you can to encourage, reassure, and give your daughter everything she needs.

So indulge me for a minute, and read about the other side of the story.

When my wife and I divorced, and I got custody of our son, I had to make arrangements for him at daycare. As time passed, he became aggressive. A scratch here, a shoving there.
I'd hear about it when I got there to pick him up.
This was when his mother was still in his life. (That's still another story for another time.) Of course, I was at work, and had no idea what was going on. But I sure heard about it. What could I do-at work? I come to pick him up-and sure enough-he's acting just fine.

Fast forward awhile up the road-to 4yo. The daycare he's been in calls me-he's bitten a child. Now where did that come from?
I had to pick him up. Two days later-I get a call from the principal-
come get your child, he's done it again. I ask when can I return him-he says you can't.

So it's 9am in the morning, I have to get my son-who looks at me funny when I pick him up-gee, daddy, why are you here so early?
I can't contact his mother-she has no phone.
So I'm driving around all over town, looking for daycare.
I have to work-his mother won't pay her child support-and I just got done paying the daycare for the month.
It took me a week, but I found one. I didn't lose my job.

But you know what, the problem didn't go away.
6 months later, I start getting calls from the new daycare-
he's out of control-he's doing this-he's bitten a child-he's hit a
teacher, etc.
This went on for about a week, I left work after only working 3 hours of my shift-and finally get the "dreaded" phone call-come get your child-we can't control him. I go to my red faced boss-
and tell him I have to go-and somehow I pull of another week before he starts kindergarten.

When he went to school-I talked to his new teacher, his principal,
and they told me that they had the staff and support to help him,
and I also took him to a child psychologist.
Sure enough, he's diagnosed with ADHD.

I can't tell you how many times I felt helpless in these situations.
I was trying to balance my job, my life, my son, and my sanity.
The best my ex could do is scream at me and tell me what a loser I was.

Today I have to deal with the fact she abandonde him over 3 years ago. I still have issues occasionally where he's just having a bad time.

How do you explain to your child there's nothing wrong with him to make his parent go away like that?

I always tried to do the best I could.
It was tough, especially when his daycare cost me 5 bills a month, and after taxes, that was 35% of my take home pay.
But I always went to the mat. Every single time.
So many times I would be at work, sick with worry about getting that phone call.

Now let's call that lawyer!

 

[December99]

Biting, on anything, is also a relief of a child who has extreme oral fixation. When I worked in the day care, I had a kid in my room who, at 2, was putting everything in his mouth. Some of it, they determined, was a matter of his teeth hurting him. Some of it was a nervous habit - and when I mean he put everything in his mouth - I'm serious to the point one day stuff from his (and I'm not saying this to gross anyone out) diaper in his mouth. I was sick but it was a nervousness he had. There was nothing but correcting him that could be done. Eventually he stopped putting everything in his mouth - I got bit a few times because of this but he stopped.

My daughter also was a biter for a short period of time and you want to know how I resolved it - I bit her back! Granted, not hard, didn't break the skin, but enough to make her feel it. Killed me to do it but it was a last resort and it stopped the biting! I'm not saying that all kids should do this as retaliation, but sometimes it works.

And I can agree with stego....after my daughter starting becoming the meanie in kindergarten, almost pulling the fire alarm in first grade, being sent to the principals office several times and to the point one day her and her whole desk went, we had some testing done and also found out she was ADHD. Once on meds, which it took me forever to decide to do and included a lot of hard tears, she has been an amazing child. But unfortunately, she has been scared for life - no friends or very few, no life because no one wants to be around her. They remember how horrible she was when she was smaller and they don't want to get caught getting into trouble with her. They don't realize she's a great kid with a wonderful future ahead of her.

 

[mrsltg]

Stego- I am so sorry for your situatio with your son. As I said in a previous post (at least, I think I said this!), I am concerned for Jessica and her family. I know that this is no fun for them either. I have no intention of suing anyone over this. If, however, it happens again with the same child, I will pursue action to have her removed from the school and depending upon the injury, decide from there. This time Dierdre came close to needing stiches in her hand (if so much skin hadn't been removed from the bite, she would have gotten stitches), if, God forbid, she is bitten in a more visible place, like her face, a scar could be very serious. Clearly, no one wants this to happen.

For the record, though, this daycare is at a 10 to 1 ratio for Dierdre's age group. 20 to 1 would actually be illegal. And I don't necessarily think that the cost of daycare would change the level of care here... we're already at almost $1k per month. Short of having a 1 to 1 ratio, which isn't going to happen here, there's not a lot more to be done than just separation and watching this little girl carefully until she gets passed this stage in her development.

Erin

 

[mrsltg]

But unfortunately, she has been scared for life - no friends or very few, no life because no one wants to be around her.

How sad. I am so sorry for your daughter. It's a miserable situation to be in and I wish her luck.

Erin