What would you do (shower gift related)

[mistysue]

I have a cousin who got married when I was an extremely broke single parent so I gave them a rather small gift card as a gift. I spent years feeling bad but was never in a position to do anything about it. I stopped feeling guilty when at my wedding their return gift was the same amount of cash, crumpled up, in a card from this cousin's brother with "and X too" signed. (the brother got a nice card and gave us a check, then there was crumpled cash with it) That was awkward.

Now this cousin is having a baby so I was invited to the wife's shower. Obviously this couple holds grudges. She wasn't around when I had my first so I never got a gift from them for a baby so there is not an amount to match or anything.

Usually my response would basically be, "ok, you suck but I can still be nice" and I would give them a nicer gift... maybe in the $75 range. But now DH is unemployed, I make exactly enough for us to barely get by and his line of work means he will be unemployed for at least 6 or 12 months. So does social etiquette basically dictate that I don't eat for a week to buy them the crazy crap they have registered for? All the expensive things my baby doesn't get to have so that I can buy it for somebody else instead?

I know I am sort of expected to just give them my used baby things (my moms already keeps telling my extended family they can have my things) but that doesn't really count as a gift.

How would you handle this? Would you be ok with only spending $20 or so? Or is that little enough that I should just not go? I feel embarrassed about it but I really can't afford to spend much on them, especially because they aren't particularly grateful people and obviously aren't very understanding of people struggling. I don't want to give nothing because I feel like I'm taking something out on the baby that way.

 

[richmond282]

I think you have to go with what you can afford. You can't go through life trying ot "keep things even." If you can afford a $20 gift, then give a $20 gift. Obviously, this cousin is not like your best friend or anything so I wouldn't go all out. Look for clearance or sales and try to use a coupon if possible to ge the most bang for your buck.

 

[rn4val]

My sympathy to you for having a cousin that doesn't care when their family members are struggling. It just amazes me someone could be that selfish. I don't know if I would even go if I would be looked down on because I didn't spend enough on a gift. I would not take money away from your children in this difficult time. Have others plans for the day of the shower.

 

[Princesca]

You could always skip the shower and just send a token gift card that you can afford. I think if I were in that position, I would simply send a nice card and explain that, due to financial circumstances, I wish it could be more but it can't.

Alternatively, you could send a copy of Amy Vanderbilt's "Etiquette" and inscribe it on the cover, "Here's hoping that the apple falls far from the tree. Cheers!"

 

[ah1126]

I think I would spend what you can, and just try and get the best deal for your money. There have been some pretty good deals on diapers lately with sales and coupons. I also like to shop the clearance clothing racks too.

Good Luck!

 

[eyor44]

Just spend what you can afford. Go to the clearance racks and purchase a couple of nice 12-18 month size for next year. Then it "looks" like you spend a lot when you didn't. If you don't know the baby's sex, then just send a gift card or buy diapers. I used to feel like you and would have used the credit card. Not now. I do what I can. And if you are expected to give them all of your used stuff, well, that is a gift. That is all stuff they don't have to buy.

 

[horseshowmom]

I have a cousin who got married when I was an extremely broke single parent so I gave them a rather small gift card as a gift. I spent years feeling bad but was never in a position to do anything about it. I stopped feeling guilty when at my wedding their return gift was the same amount of cash, crumpled up, in a card from this cousin's brother with "and X too" signed. (the brother got a nice card and gave us a check, then there was crumpled cash with it) That was awkward.

I know I am sort of expected to just give them my used baby things (my moms already keeps telling my extended family they can have my things) but that doesn't really count as a gift.

How would you handle this? Would you be ok with only spending $20 or so? Or is that little enough that I should just not go? I feel embarrassed about it but I really can't afford to spend much on them, especially because they aren't particularly grateful people and obviously aren't very understanding of people struggling. I don't want to give nothing because I feel like I'm taking something out on the baby that way.

First, I have to say that you aren't taking anything out on a baby who isn't going to know the difference anyway.

Next, I would tell my mother to stop telling anybody (extended family or not) that you'll give them your things. You may choose to sell them to help since your finances are tight, or you may choose to give them to someone who has some class and who isn't so self-focused that they can't figure out that a single parent didn't have extra cash and did the best they could (meaning the wedding gift - sorry, but that really ticks me off, and I've never even been in your situation).

It is perfectly okay to spend only what you can afford. In fact, it's the wise thing to do. I've said this before on these boards, and I'll say it again. I think gift giving has gotten way out of hand. JMHO

I think I would spend what you can, and just try and get the best deal for your money. There have been some pretty good deals on diapers lately with sales and coupons. I also like to shop the clearance clothing racks too.

Good Luck!

This is exactly what I would do. You may be surprised with what you can come up with. If at all possible, I would probably find somewhere that I needed to be that was at the same time as the shower and just send the gift. Based on what you've said, I have my doubts that it will be appreciated anyway, but I also understand that you probably do need to at least send something.

Good luck, and don't let this worry you. You have enough on your plate as it is.

 

[TLuvsD]

Start stalking the clearance racks at Target, Kohls and Carters...buy ahead for when the baby is bigger. If you knit, crochet, scrapbook, etc you can likely make a wonderful gift, even if it's stuff you have around the house (check Target clearance for great scrapbooks, cheap). If you have a Scholastic warehouse nearby (check the website), they have great book sales a few times a year.

Oh, and the Childern's Place has some great clearance sales, too.

 

[ilovemk76]

I have a cousin who got married when I was an extremely broke single parent so I gave them a rather small gift card as a gift. I spent years feeling bad but was never in a position to do anything about it. I stopped feeling guilty when at my wedding their return gift was the same amount of cash, crumpled up, in a card from this cousin's brother with "and X too" signed. (the brother got a nice card and gave us a check, then there was crumpled cash with it) That was awkward.

Now this cousin is having a baby so I was invited to the wife's shower. Obviously this couple holds grudges. She wasn't around when I had my first so I never got a gift from them for a baby so there is not an amount to match or anything.

Usually my response would basically be, "ok, you suck but I can still be nice" and I would give them a nicer gift... maybe in the $75 range. But now DH is unemployed, I make exactly enough for us to barely get by and his line of work means he will be unemployed for at least 6 or 12 months. So does social etiquette basically dictate that I don't eat for a week to buy them the crazy crap they have registered for? All the expensive things my baby doesn't get to have so that I can buy it for somebody else instead?

I know I am sort of expected to just give them my used baby things (my moms already keeps telling my extended family they can have my things) but that doesn't really count as a gift.

How would you handle this? Would you be ok with only spending $20 or so? Or is that little enough that I should just not go? I feel embarrassed about it but I really can't afford to spend much on them, especially because they aren't particularly grateful people and obviously aren't very understanding of people struggling. I don't want to give nothing because I feel like I'm taking something out on the baby that way.

It seems that you have negative feelings about this cousin, so it seems that turning down the invitation would be best for all. If you want to attend, then shop at Kohl's when they have their sames and discounts with their credit card. You could get a few outfits for $20 that way.

 

[SunnyP4Disney]

I agree with getting a few layette pieces. Khols and Macys have great values and sales.

Another idea is if you know the baby's name, you could have a storybook made incorporating the baby into the story. A friend of mine received that for her little girl and it is a treasured gift. I know there has to be a place online that does that...

Iseeme dot com is the place where the personalized book was ordered from...

 

[sk!mom]

I'm always on the side of spending whatever you can afford. If it offends the recipient then I wouldn't want to be friends anyway.

That said, if you've honestly felt bad about the small wedding gift and want to give a nicer gift then how about selling the baby stuff that you're done with and using the cash to buy them a gift?

 

[Nina1]

Spend what you can afford, and only that. This cousin sounds like a very selfish and petty person. He clearly has had no empathy or understanding for you and your situation, past and present. That wedding gift stunt was deplorable. I would never take money away from my baby to purchase this gift. Get a gift card or, as others have suggested, buy something on sale or clearance. Send it or, if you want to go to the shower, bring it and then move on.

Additionally, I agree with another poster to tell your mother to stop telling these people you will give them your baby stuff. They clearly don't deserve it and you can sell those items at a consignment sale and spend the money on your own child. Good luck to you!

 

[CandleontheWater]

What a terrible situation! I'm sorry that your cousin is so ungrateful! I went to many a wedding when I was a poor grad student, and wasn't able to afford extravagant gifts, and all the brides seemed just as pleased to receive my smaller gifts, as any of the larger ones. Its the thought that counts, right?

I would definitely just get what you can afford, and not worry about it. Do what it right for your family, and don't worry about what others think.

 

[KigerKat]

Personally, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't give a gift. It's great that they aren't having financial troubles and don't have to worry about purchasing the necessities they need for their family, but I think it's horrible that they can't sympathize with someone going through hard times and expect expensive, lavish gifts. What they did was incredibly rude, and it would put them on my "banned" list until they could apologize.

I think it's great that you're wanting to be the better person, and you are obviously a better person than I would be. I would still be happy for them and perhaps get them a card, but if you are having money issues of any kind, then gifts for other people should be the last thing you need to worry about.

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

What do you think you would be comfortable spending? If you are okay sharing your budget we may be able to help with ideas.

Do you have an Ollie's, Marshall's, or something like that nearby? Board books are always a great gift. See if you can find some that were special in your family and write a note about how much joy they brought your family or something like that.

Presentation can also help jazz up a gift. Look at their registry and see what colors they are using in their nursery. Get a 40% off coupon rom Micheal's and find a lined basket to put the books in-that way you can present it as a "book basket." Wrap it up in cellophane with pretty curling ribbons and you would have a nice gift for under $25.

The other thing you could do (if you have time) is get a basket (again use a coupon and you can find cute ones) and fill it with medical things the baby might need-Baby Tylenol, Baby Advil, teething gel, diaper rash creme, gas drops, baby rash creme. I often give those as part of a gift with a note explaining that we never want our little ones to get sick, but when they do it is nice to have things that make them comfortable. Look on-line for coupons to bring the costs down.

 

[sparklynails23]

They gave you the same amount of gift you gave them. The fact that it was crumpled up may have just been necessity. It could just have been pulled from someone's pocket in a panic because they forgot a card.

Go to the shower and give what you can afford. Family should understand. Tell your mom to quit giving away your baby stuff. That's not cool.

Some of my favorite gifts were these cute cotton onesies from Sears in bright colors. They were not expensive, but they were perfect. I always like to give funny hats for baby showers. They look good in pictures.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm curious as to how small amount was on the gf that would make someone so angry? Could it have been so low at to look like an insult (like leaving a $1 tip on a $100 meal). Did they send you a thank you note? There were a few guests who didn't give us anything, because they were broke, and we still gave them our standard gift when they got married. Could this couple have forgotten a check, and maybe all they had was that amount of money in their wallets?

 

[kent285]

How about a group gift...like you and your mother? That way you can give a nicer gift without spending too much.

 

[kirstenb1]

Personally, I wouldn't go and I wouldn't give a gift. It's great that they aren't having financial troubles and don't have to worry about purchasing the necessities they need for their family, but I think it's horrible that they can't sympathize with someone going through hard times and expect expensive, lavish gifts. What they did was incredibly rude, and it would put them on my "banned" list until they could apologize.

I think it's great that you're wanting to be the better person, and you are obviously a better person than I would be. I would still be happy for them and perhaps get them a card, but if you are having money issues of any kind, then gifts for other people should be the last thing you need to worry about.

Summed up my feelings perfectly. When I want to go to something, nothing, not even finances would stop me. However, when I'm conflicted about going, there's usually an excellent reason. You, imho have an excellent reason.

 

[kkacar]

Ok both hubs and I have a HUGE extended family. His much bigger than mine. On both his Mom and Dad's side combined he has 57 1st cousins. Yeah thats a lot! Financially we are ok, unless we now have to buy everyone of these cousins extravagant gifts. I think at the time you gave what you could afford and if its not appreciated well then, that is too bad of them. I was taught to say thank you and move on. If it's your cousins then he should have been taught the same thing. And if not, well that is not your fault, that is his. If you want to buy them something buy it, if you don't want to buy it then don't. And don't sweat it.

Gifts are something you should want to give to someone you care about, not an obligation. If you want to, give them something you can afford and leave it at that. A gift is something you WANT to do and not an obligation and nor should it be.

I am big fan of do what you want and if your family can not understand that you can only do so much and if they don't like then like I said they are family tell them to kiss your butt. But being the good southern belle that I am, I would say it nicely with a smile.

Kelli