What would you do in this situation?

[Lynn CC]

To You and I mean that.

Does he have a family physician? If he has a primary physician the best thing you could do for him is make an appointment, and go with him to that appointment. You can both talk about his options. There is medication that he can be given to make him stop those cravings for drugs. This way it is legal and he can be open about it with you.
Tell him you want to help him, it sound like you really love him (I am a believer in the vows too!)...you must tell him how you feel about him hiding this from you. If it's a part of his life, even though it's an undesirable part, you want to share it with him and get some help for him so it doesn't keep coming up when you "catch" him, which is essentially the only way you know about it every so often.
Tell him it's time to grow up and handle this like adults, maybe he will see that you are sticking by him and won't want to hide it, for fear that you are going to leave him (that's probably why he hides it).

He sounds like a good man and husband in every other way, this happens be a problem of many people, rich or poor, female or male, lawyers or janitors.

I wish you luck and hope that you can both work this out, only time will tell.
How long have you been married?
Just think about how many wives or husbands are going through this that have children already, I'm sure that makes it all that much more difficult. So you see, there is always someone worse off. I try to look at things in a positive way! You sound like great wife and he's lucky to have you.

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess I am not as big of a believer in vows as I thought I was, because if I was on my third bout of drug abuse with DH, he'd be gone. He hasn't held up the vows..."forsaking all others" doesn't necessarily just mean people. It means anything that could interfere with the relationship between husband and wife. My guess is that repeated cocaine abuse would fall into that category.

This man knows how you feel about drug abuse. He knows you have supported him through it twice in the past, and the last time he got the "this is it" ultimatum.

And yet, here it is again, rearing its ugly head.

Sorry, but it shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage. It shows a lack of interest in the "vow" he gave to you. It endangers your health and well-being (yes, addicts do many, many bad or unsavory things in their quest for drugs, especially if, as in his case, there's not a lot of access to "extra" money from the home front).

I'd be using the "three strikes you're out" rule in this case. You cannot "save" someone who doesn't truly want to be saved.

Narcotics Anonymous is a good referral. They can help you deal with this.

 

[stego]

so here is an answer from an addict...
I made my choice. Look at what I am doing. It comes first, above everything. Even you. You are in my way. You don't understand what I am going through. You never will.
Though I am in recovery; I am blessed (or cursed) with understanding how an addict things/feels/acts. Let's say it's a common bond. No one else understands it. That's just the way recovery works. But clearly recovery is a day at a time. You've not mentioned ANYTHING about your husband's recovery, or his involvement (or lack of, and I don't think I am far off). Recovery is action. Nothing short of that; one can painfully see the what happens. And even then; resting on our laurels. Whoo boy; am I aware of that term. Have I had slip? No, but the few times I've come close anger got in the way of what has worked time and time again: the sunlight of the spirit. No, I am not going to get all Jesus/God on you. But there is truly something about working on a vigorous, honest & fearless spiritual relationship with a higher power in recovery which speaks volumes and shows results. If there is anything I could ever want in life, that is to stand shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters. That is a super long stretch for anyone. Think about this: purity of heart. That goes against
EVERY natural instinct for an addict. So what changes? Good behavior, over and over and over and over again. Then one day the thinking changes too. Well, that is a lifetime process, anyway. It's called a living amends. I know, a lot to absorb. Choices are tough; that is life. I have been in your shoes. I watched my wife; my son's mother; the woman I loved destroy herself. She's somewhere out there...and I am totally powerless.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Something else to think about is his drug problem is a part of YOUR life too. It's not just something that is problem between the two of you. It's illegal. And that carries many ramifications. A record. Future employment. Loss of your home and possessions. The list goes on.

If he gets caught with it in the home you two share you could go down with him. "Down" as in having a police record and possibly jail time. The police won't know if he was doing it or you were. They most likely will assume you both are users. Even if they don't assume you are a user, if it's established you knew about it, you would have charges brought against you too.

Getting caught might sound remote, but if the police nab his supplier he could cut a deal. He could give out his list of names for a lighter sentence. It could happen at any time. The rug could be pulled from under you. That's no way to live.

I dated a fella a long time ago. I found out he had a problem. I thought it was his problem. He was ok other than that. Seemed to be. (I was young and naive.) We went somewhere in my car. It had an expired tag and I was driving during the grace period. He tried to stash his problem in my ashtray. Uh-huh. If I had gotten pulled over and that was found, it would've been as good as mine. No way. He was yesterday's news after that incident. I don't know if he just wasn't thinking. Or if he was sly as a fox (more likely). But I WAS thinking that day and there after. And I wasn't going to have my life messed up over his problem.

Beware!

 

[tkd lisa]

I'd be gone. I also valued my marriage vows, but am currently in the middle of a divorce. There are some things worth ending a marriage for. In my opinion, this is one of them. You've given him chances, he hasn't changed. At a minimum, I'd separate and see what he does to change.

 

[budbeerlady]

I know I should say run for the hills, but I also know life isnt that easy. You love someone, you want your marriage to work, etc. I would seek out a group for yourself, it does help to speak openly with others whose spouses/ family are in the same situation.

Good luck in your decision, is there a pastor or older family friend you could talk life out with?

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

I have two letters for you........NA!!! If you can't talk him into going to a Narcotics Anonomus meeting right away....go yourself! The people there will help you through this and possibly help you get him to a meeting!

ITA with that advice.

 

[Chicago526]

I haven't read all the replies, but in case it hasen't been said...

If he is quit in the past all on his own, then it's clear that he can't handle this by himself. He need a program like NA at the very least, and maybe even an inpatient program, depending on how severe his addition is. If he has quit with a program in the past but didn't get any suport afterwards once he was clean, then again it's obivious that he needs continuous support to stay clean perminatly.

Once clean, he should continue to go to NA meetings for continued support (and to help others!). I've heard of alcoholics that go to AA meetings once a week for the rest of their LIVES to make sure the stay sober!

I'd also say that his relapses may be induced by stress or depression. Therapy may be in order to help with stress, and medication may be in order if he suffers from depression. While it doesn't get him off the hook for relapsing, it does make it a bit more understandable when outside forces we can't control push us over the edge. He needs tools to deal with lifes potholes so he can stay clean and not be tempted to go back to drugs.

Should you leave him? I've only read the the first post by the OP and don't know if she's elaborated since, but based on the fact that it seems he's been clean for four years, that I would give him a chance to get clean again, with the stipulation that once clean he goes to NA meetings frequently (once a week, minimum and I'd say even more for the first few months he's back on the wagon again). The day he stops going to NA is the day you pack your bags. I believe that he can get proof of attendance from the person that runs the meeting, so you'll know he went.

And I'm sure it's been said already, but the OP needs to get help herself from Alanon or some other suport group for family members of addicts.