What would YOU do if your DS was being bullied?

[mominwestlake]

My ds is a 7th grader. Another boy who lives on our street, also in 7th grade, has bullied my son for the past 2 1/2 years. He pushes my son, takes his instrument case and runs away with it, throws snowballs at him, throws rocks at ds and others, pushes him down in the snow, shoves him into lockers, and talks "smack" to him (yes, I just read the other thread about the bus incident). Son has always been hesitant to tell me about the incidents because he didn't want me to get involved. I have heard most of this from my dd who is a year younger, from a neighbor boy, another of son's friends, and sometimes my son. The school has had 3 Friday night dances and each time this other boy has tried to provoke son into fighting and calls ds names when ds won't fight. I also recently heard that last year at the bus stop the boy pushed my dd down.

Tonight I happened to be driving down the street when ds was walking home from the bus- the boy, his brother, and ds's friend were also walking. I picked ds up and he said that I might notice he was wet and it was a long story. I told him I had time so tell me the story. He told me the other boy had pushed him down in the snow and kept throwing snowballs at him. I would have considered it horseplay except for the fact I knew it was an ongoing thing.

P.S. DS is not a wimp. He just knows he isn't allowed to fight back.

So, what would you do? Anything? I will come back later to tell what I did do. I will say ds wants me to do nothing since it will make it worse at school. This other boy scares me. His older brother was expelled and sent to another school due to violence. The home life isn't the best. It wouldn't surprise me if this kid was to relaliate and even bring a weapon to school. My life is stressful enough without having to worry about ds's safety and emotional well-being at school.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I'd report it to the school and insist that measures be taken to protect all the kids on school property.

If he laid a hand on my child off school property, I'd immediately contact the police and press charges.

Sorry, but that's what this world has brought us to.

 

[luvsJack]

May I ask why he is "not allowed" to fight back?

I do not believe in violence. I do not believe anyone should go looking for trouble or should EVER start a fight. My kids would have gotten into serious trouble for starting any kind of fight.

BUT, if someone was tormenting my child -- they have full permission to defend themself. DS had to do that very thing. Yes, he had to face the punishment. But, it ended 2 years of torment by a bully.


Now, with all that said; the first thing I would do is report what is happening to the school. The teacher, the principal, bus driver, etc. They need to be aware of what is happening and be able to watch for the bully to start. After we did this, ds was instructed to tell go to a trusted teacher (for him it was the coach) and tell them when the bully was messing with him. (for us, the coach did react and did discipline the bully; but it didn't help much)

If that does not help, you may need to contact this child's parents and let them know what is going on. (again, we did do this but it didn't stop anything)

If none of this helps, then you and your son have done every thing possible and at some point, he really should be able to defend himself. Bullies are not usually used to being stood up to and are likely to back down. Even if you do call the police there is no guarantee that it will stop the bullying. I am not advocating that your son beat this kid to a bloody pulp or anything; just stand his ground and not back down.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like many of these issues are not taking place on school property, but in the neighborhood.

Have you talked to the parents, and what was their response?

 

[JessicaR]

The good news is 7th grade is usually when this type of crap starts and its over by the end of middle school. My son had some differences with the boy next door and another boy in the neighborhood. The two of them picked on him on a daily basis. I went to one of the parents and the mom denied any of it ever happened, said NOT my son, yeah OK.

I continually asked my son if I could intervene and he did not want me to. One day I got a call from the nurse, the two boys pushed my son down a flight of stairs and two teachers and a security guard witnessed it. So, I didn't need to intervene anymore it was handled at the principal.

If these altercations are happening off school grounds it isn't the schools problem. Although they did offer to mediate with the parents, us and the other kids.

My son never stuck up for himself and the abuse continued. My husband finally had enough. He was tired that my son wasn't standing up for himself and he was tired that the school, parents meeting of the minds were not sufficiently dealing with the issues to a proper resolution.

So, we started telling our son to not allow anybody to threaten him. Not allow anybody to physically harm him and if those things did take place we gave him OUR permission to protect himself. Never throw the first punch but absolutely dont let the second one connect.

Interestingly those bullies werent having so much fun anymore and it all came to a halt. My son has never had another problem over the years with these kids or any others and he has self confidence. He is 17 next week and I am very proud of the way he handles himself.

Please let us know what you did do. I hope it stops for your son too. Kids can be so mean...

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

May I ask why he is "not allowed" to fight back?

I do not believe in violence. I do not believe anyone should go looking for trouble or should EVER start a fight. My kids would have gotten into serious trouble for starting any kind of fight.

BUT, if someone was tormenting my child -- they have full permission to defend themself. DS had to do that very thing. Yes, he had to face the punishment. But, it ended 2 years of torment by a bully.


Now, with all that said; the first thing I would do is report what is happening to the school. The teacher, the principal, bus driver, etc. They need to be aware of what is happening and be able to watch for the bully to start. After we did this, ds was instructed to tell go to a trusted teacher (for him it was the coach) and tell them when the bully was messing with him. (for us, the coach did react and did discipline the bully; but it didn't help much)

If that does not help, you may need to contact this child's parents and let them know what is going on. (again, we did do this but it didn't stop anything)

If none of this helps, then you and your son have done every thing possible and at some point, he really should be able to defend himself. Bullies are not usually used to being stood up to and are likely to back down. Even if you do call the police there is no guarantee that it will stop the bullying. I am not advocating that your son beat this kid to a bloody pulp or anything; just stand his ground and not back down.

I have to agree with this. Both of my sons had to "fight back" to get the bullying to stop. They both told me it was worth the punishment they received in school. And the bullying stopped. Sometimes they have to fight back. They both got a one day suspension from school. I didn't punish them at home, they had gone through enough.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'd beat the living tar out of him.



(Okay, I don't have kids but that is what I'd WANT to do.)

What did you do?

 

[NikitaZee]

I'd beat the living tar out of him.


(Okay, I don't have kids but that is what I'd WANT to do.)

What did you do?

That's what I was thinking. Seriously though, this happened to my brother when we were kids. My father went and spoke to the boy's parents, and the boy denied the whole thing. He got nowhere. One day my dad went over to the kid and had a few words with him. I never knew what was said - but my dad put the fear of God into that kid and he never bothered my brother again.

BTW the boy's parents came over and asked my father what the heck he was doing speaking to their son like that, and my dad denied the whole thing ...

 

[OceanAnnie]

That's what I was thinking. Seriously though, this happened to my brother when we were kids. My father went and spoke to the boy's parents, and the boy denied the whole thing. He got nowhere. One day my dad went over to the kid and had a few words with him. I never knew what was said - but my dad put the fear of God into that kid and he never bothered my brother again.

BTW the boy's parents came over and asked my father what the heck he was doing speaking to their son like that, and my dad denied the whole thing ...

I love it!

I agree with pp about letting your child defend himself. We always said, don't start a fight, but you can end it. I'd get my child karate lessons, (survival class) asap and encourage him to use it. As mentioned, I'd inform the school officials too.

What did you do?

 

[quentina]

I do not advocate fighting however; I feel until he stands up for himself, it will continue and probably get worse.

If it was my kid, I would call the school, try to be near bus stop whenever possible to get him and tell him.....it is OK to protect yourself. Under no circumstance would I want my son to be humiliated daily by someother child.....This is one time, I would lift fighting ban.

This is just my take, I hope it all works out for you and your son. What a terrible thing to have to deal with every day.

 

[JessicaR]

The thing is these kids that are picking on your son have found a game they like to play. They win. They need to stop winning. The game has to end. The only way that can happen is for your son to stand up for himself.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I have to agree with this. Both of my sons had to "fight back" to get the bullying to stop. They both told me it was worth the punishment they received in school. And the bullying stopped. Sometimes they have to fight back. They both got a one day suspension from school. I didn't punish them at home, they had gone through enough.

Tell him to fight the kid. Win, lose or draw, the bullying will end...

 

[OceanAnnie]

The thing is these kids that are picking on your son have found a game they like to play. They win. They need to stop winning. The game has to end. The only way that can happen is for your son to stand up for himself.

And the flip side of that is the OP's son is in a game he can't win. If he isn't allowed to defend himself all he can do is take it. He needs to be able to defend himself.

I'd also make it a point to be near during those critical times, as Quentina mentioned.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

One day my dad went over to the kid and had a few words with him. I never knew what was said - but my dad put the fear of God into that kid and he never bothered my brother again.

BTW the boy's parents came over and asked my father what the heck he was doing speaking to their son like that, and my dad denied the whole thing...

Look what happened to this Dad (in Sweden) when he did something similar. Too bad he made the mistake of stepping in the house.

Father Prosecuted For Scolding Son's Bully

 

[NikitaZee]

Look what happened to this Dad (in Sweden) when he did something similar. Too bad he made the mistake of stepping in the house.
Father Charged After Confronting Bully

Yeah -that's the only thing that they got him for - trespassing. Good for him, I say. I'd really have a hard time not getting involved if my child were in the position that the OP's child is in.

 

[JoiseyMom]

If it was my child I would have him fight back and beat the heck outta the little monsters!

 

[motherhen17404]

I have to agree with everyone who said to fight back. My DS was bullied when he was in 4th & 5th grade. Our school district has a strict "no bullies" policy, so we went to the school. We talked to the teachers, the principal, and the superintendent. The only thing they kept telling us is that the bully had a troubled home, and we should understand that and give this bully some slack. They never talked to the bully, and always took his side. Even admitted that they had teachers watch as this bully kicked my son in the head. When my son got to 6th grade he had a teacher who was very understanding. He told us that the only way to stop a bully was to stand up to him and fight back. The teacher told me that he could not recommend that we tell our son to fight, but since the school was of no help we had to do something. So we decided that was the only recourse we had. We told our son to stand up for himself and never throw the first punch, but to make sure he threw the last punch. So he did. And he got suspended from school for 3 days. Even after we pointed out that the school allowed this bully to pick on my son for years and that we had a history of trying to take this problem through channels they still suspended our son for fighting. But the bully learned that my son was not going to be his punching bag any longer and the bully stopped picking on our son.

 

[ToddyLu]

I do not have children...but in my fantasy world...I would sneak up behind the kid...grab him, gently and tell him that" if he didn't leave my kid alone I would do blah, blah, blah....I would tell him when/if he told anyone they would not believe him because I am known as a sweet nice Mom in the neighboorhood...get it!!" I know that sounds very disturbed...but I had years of having issues and my Mom never really standing up for us...she would wilt. Great terrific Mom that is dearly loved but, anger is an OK emotion and you don't have to take crap from people..I just had to learn that on my own. My brother has issues with this as well. Not really being allowed to ever protect ourselves was wrong and then she didn't protect us either. Bro was picked on by a couple of teachers and I backed him up on this..she caved. We always had to be the accomadating ones...sorry for the rant..the OP situation really makes me angry and sorry for her and her son.

I know it will work out in the end...sending support your way.

 

[disneyjunkie]

My ds is a 7th grader. Another boy who lives on our street, also in 7th grade, has bullied my son for the past 2 1/2 years. He pushes my son, takes his instrument case and runs away with it, throws snowballs at him, throws rocks at ds and others, pushes him down in the snow, shoves him into lockers, and talks "smack" to him (yes, I just read the other thread about the bus incident). Son has always been hesitant to tell me about the incidents because he didn't want me to get involved. I have heard most of this from my dd who is a year younger, from a neighbor boy, another of son's friends, and sometimes my son. The school has had 3 Friday night dances and each time this other boy has tried to provoke son into fighting and calls ds names when ds won't fight. I also recently heard that last year at the bus stop the boy pushed my dd down.

Tonight I happened to be driving down the street when ds was walking home from the bus- the boy, his brother, and ds's friend were also walking. I picked ds up and he said that I might notice he was wet and it was a long story. I told him I had time so tell me the story. He told me the other boy had pushed him down in the snow and kept throwing snowballs at him. I would have considered it horseplay except for the fact I knew it was an ongoing thing.

P.S. DS is not a wimp. He just knows he isn't allowed to fight back.

So, what would you do? Anything? I will come back later to tell what I did do. I will say ds wants me to do nothing since it will make it worse at school. This other boy scares me. His older brother was expelled and sent to another school due to violence. The home life isn't the best. It wouldn't surprise me if this kid was to relaliate and even bring a weapon to school. My life is stressful enough without having to worry about ds's safety and emotional well-being at school.

Tell your son AND daughter to beat his behind. That way the bully will know if he messes with one, he has to deal with both of them.

 

[Tink888]

The first thing you could do is contact the school. Bully prevention/intervention is a huge deal in our district. Parents can call, other students who witness bullying can anonymously report it, the student being bullied can ask for help. We have an entire team consisting of guidance, administrators and teachers who are there to help. Even if most the bullying is occurring off of school property, they still might be able to get the boys together and mediate to find a solution that way.

If that doesn't work, I know it's unpopular but I have to agree with the other posters who said to allow your son to defend himself. He doesn't have to throw the first punch but let him punch back and make it count. Sometimes, particularly with boys that's the only thing that works.

My thoughts are with you and your son. It's so hard to watch your child being bullied, particularly at that age, because getting involved can truly make it worse. We try and teach our kids to be kind and rational and unfortunately there are kids who are not and they do not understand kind and rational responses either. Good luck.