What would you do if your child's friend.....(sorry long)

[luvdzne]

Here is what happened. Last week DD11 had 3 friends over after school. I left them alone in the house for 10 minutes while I went to pick up younger DD. I came home to DD11 running upstairs yelling to 2 of them to stop it, my mom is home. Well you know the mom radars start going off, so upstairs I go. The 2 girls had locked themselves in DD's room, had the music up all the way, and sprayed DD's body spray all over the room . Now o.k. I don't have a problem with the music up loud, the body spray I could have done without! Here is the begining of my problem. They would not unlock the door. DD kept telling them to unock it, I told them to unlock it. DD put the key in (it is one of those locks that you put something in the hole to unlock it) and unlocked it, one girl was holding the door on the other side and would lock it again. Now granted the music was very loud so they could probally not hear that I was out there. Well when I finally got in there, lets just say the looks on the faces were rather suprised .

I told DD that I didn't appreciate coming home to this. I said that I didn't want to ever hear that music that loud again, why on earth did her and her friends think it was o.k. to spray the body spray all over the house, and then I stated under no circomstances is a door to be locked in my house without my permission.

At this point the one friend (I know was the one blocking the door and relocking it) threw something of DD's. I told her she could go home. The thing that happend next shocked the whole room. She got up stormed at me and said "fine, I hate you, you b****" . I ever so shockenly went next door (yes, she lives next door) and told her parents what had just happened. They said they were sorry blah blah blah (If I told you everything that was said I could write a book).

I went back home, of course the other girls are very upset they just witnessed this, DD7 is extremly upset, me I was still in shock.

I received a call from the mother later that night asking how I was, telling me that she was sorry. She said her DD had never said that before, she didn't know where she could have heard that word (she's 12 for goodness sake )

Now at some point I was expecting some sort of appoligy from this child, well nothing. I am friends with the mother, we are neighbors, and we car pool together. She has been acting like nothing happened.

There is so much more that has happened, but this has gotten so long, if anyone is still with me, what would you do?

 

[mickeyboat]

I would not go to the mother and demand an apology, but I would make sure my DD knew that this girl was not invited to our home until you got one.

Denae

 

[pansmermaidzlagoon]

I agree - she would not be welcome back in our home until she apologized!!!!!

 

[CathrynRose]

Alright - I think the entire way they were acting - the door locked, not allowing your DD into her room, ruining her items (spraying her body spray and throwing things) I dont think I'd allow them over again - ever...quite frankly.

Sounds like they were being bully-ish with her. And I dont like the sounds of it at all.

Honestly - her "friends" would have gotten an earful from me - but I'm known for being a bit more on the psychotic side, with my son's friends.

I dont like it - and I'd be worried having your daughter hang out with these kids.

 

[BeckyEsq]

Just a thought, but they were acting awfully suspicious not letting you in like that -- is it possible they were spraying body spray to cover up the smell of something they were smoking?

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

I don't know if she'd be back in my house ever, apology or not. That's extremely disrespectful and I don't think I would want my kids thinking it was okay. For a kid that age to swear right in an adult's face, that's a bit much. I'm 38 and I still don't swear in front of my mother!

I would want an apology, but I would probably tell DD it's not okay to play with her anymore...at least til she starts proving she's trustworthy and respectful.

 

[luvdzne]

I would never demand an appoligy, I feel that is something that needs to come from the child, if I demanded it, it truely wouldn't have any meaning to me nor the child. Also, when I asked what would you do, I wasn't really talking about the appoligy part.

I need to add that there have been other issues with this child. She says and does mean things to my daughter. I have seen her anger out burst before. Her parents have told me things she has done. She definatlly has a problem.

Yesterday DD and her friend told the girl that their parents told them they could not be friends with her anymore. Well I did tell DD that she would not be playing with her for awhile. I cannot speak for the other childs parents. Well of course the mother of the daughter is upset, well frankly the girls don't want to play with her anymore. She has been mean to them one to many times. I think this incident just was one to many. As my daugher put it "she has dangled her toe over the line for awhile, now she just took a running leap".

The mom gave me a note this morning that the child wrote addressed to me, DD, and the other friend. It did say she was sorry, could we all forgive her. That when she gets angry, she gets really angry, along with some very sad drawings. I have no doubt that this child really is sorry, and feels bad and embarrised. I feel very sorry for her, and the sad thing is it seems that her parents way to deal with her problem is to pretend that it didn't happen. Now the mother is mad at me because I didn't go along with this charade. I cannot pretend it did not happen. My children have personally been affected by her behavior.

 

[goofyforlife]

Apology or no apology.... Both girls wouldn't be welcome in my home unsupervised anymore....PERIOD...

(Cause if the kids are friends there's still b-day parties)

You just don't know what could happen next time so for me, No next time...

 

[tarmand]

Just a thought, but they were acting awfully suspicious not letting you in like that -- is it possible they were spraying body spray to cover up the smell of something they were smoking?

My immediate thoughts exactly!

 

[luvdzne]

Just a thought, but they were acting awfully suspicious not letting you in like that -- is it possible they were spraying body spray to cover up the smell of something they were smoking?

No, they were just being kids. I can honestly say that I know that was not happening. They were just spraying each other.

 

[dg39]

I wouldn't let the girl in my house again and I would most likely tell my dd that I wouldn't want her hanging out with her. Much to direspectful for my taste, and I'm pretty easy going. If she does apoligize, I would accept it, but, I would wean my dd from staying with her. She's really no friend to your dd if she treated you like that. I know its hard being she lives right next door and if there's a group of kids together, then, I would let my dd hang out, but, as far as one/one playing, I wouldn't have it. The girls mom has to be embarrassed for what her daughter said, thats, why she's probably acting as if nothing happened. I wouldn't mention it again, unless, the mom brings it up and then I would just tell her that I can't believe her dd said that to me and I'm upset about it. After awhile, if the girl proves herself, then perhaps I would change my plan, but, until then......

 

[Disney Doll]

The child obviously has anger and self-control issues and it is a shame that her parents are not addressing them by getting her the appropriate help & counselling she needs. Is this behavior that happens at school as well? If so, I am surprised the school has not picked up on it and made some interventions. I feel badly for the child, because as she gets older, she's only going to get worse, and God knows how she will turn out.

That being said, unless you want to really get into it with the mother and tell her to get her kid help (easier said than done in most cases), I would probably remain calm and in control and advise your daughter to do the same when dealing with this family.

If the mother approached me about this incident I would say "I feel your daughter has issues that need to be addressed, but she is not my child, so it is not my place to address them. However the behavior she exhibited n my home is not acceptable, and she will not be welcome in my home nor will my daughter be spending time with her. I do not want my daughter to emulate that behavior or in any way think it is acceptable." And you need to stick to your guns. No matter how much the mother rants and raves. Perhaps you may want to add "I might consider them spending supervised time together in my home in the future if your daughter gets some help and I see a marked change in her behavior. But it would have to be a marked change".

As far as your daughter....tell her to make you the heavy. Very simple..."You behaved so badly at my house the other day that my Mom says I can't hang out with you".

Unfortunately for the child, she has parents who aren't parenting and feel that she'll just raise herself. Sad, but your own family and their needs and safety must come first.

I would certainly make myself available to the other mother for support if she asks for the names of counselors or suggestions where to start, but you must do what is necessary to protect your own child. I can see hanging with this other child leading her down a bad road.

I thnk I'd also be talking to my DD and the other girl about peer pressure and what it could lead to. I'd also probably tell the other girl that I was less-than-thrilled with her behavior, although it sounds like she was sort of a "secondary" player in this thing. I probably wouldn't leave my DD home alone with the other kid for a while either. Just to make a point.

 

[Aidensmom]

I would tell the child that she is indeed forgiven, but that because of her past behavior, you cannot have her at your house anymore. Forgiving someone does not mean that you have to pretend nothing happened or that there should be no consequences to behavior.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

All I can say is I smell 'trouble' and I would have my dd separate herself from this girl.
To be honest it sounds as if the girl has initiated the "breakup".

 

[jajuan]

Wow...my first thought was smoking too. I am glad it isn't that. It is very hard....as long as your daughter is ok with the seperation, that is what is important. My DD has friends that I limit her time with and she just finds other friends to hang out with that suit me much better

 

[tiff211]

Whoa!! I would have dropped down on my knees and immediately started to cry out to the Good Lord to give me the strength not to go off on that child. Then once sanity came back, I would have done what you did and march right over and told her parents. I don't think she would be allowed in my home again. I wouldn't be able to have my DD play with her and be objective anymore.

 

[luvdzne]

My whole goal is to have DD seperate from her as much as possible. The only poblem is they have the same circle of friends, they are in many of the same activities at school, we car pool, and then there is the point we are neighbors, to top it off we are going to Disney together at the end of the month .

I truely feel sorry for this girl and her family. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to deal with her problems, and to top it all off add the whole addolesent thing. I don't think the parents know what to do with her.

My dd is very upset by what she did, however she felt bad after telling this girl that she couldn't be friends with her. She ended up trying to tell her they could still be friends, that she was a good person, etc...

The mom is now upset with me that DD told her DD that they could not be friends.

I swear DD and I must wear signs or something inviting people to bring drama into our lives, as it seems to follow us no matter where we are, as much as we try to stay far away from it

Edited...I think I was feeling sorry for too many people

 

[luvdzne]

Whoa!! I would have dropped down on my knees and immediately started to cry out to the Good Lord to give me the strength not to go off on that child.

I think it was the Good Lord that kicked me out the door as quick as I did, cause let's just say the soap was calling her name (Not that I would ever consider doing that to someone elses child, now if it were my DD that said that, she'd have been blowing bubbles till she was 18 )

 

[FreshTressa]

I'm not sure exactly what I would do, but I know for sure my daughter would never be allowed to go over to the friend's house and I would never leave them unsupervised.

If she is acting like this at 12, it will probably only get worse.

 

[CEDmom]

Is this child getting any kind of help for her behavioral problems? As you know her parents are doing her any favor by ignoring her issues. Is there any way you could let them know that gone unchecked one of these days she's going to get physical with someone?

I agree with everyone here that I'd limit my DD's contact with this child particularly when it's unsupervised.