What would you do (if anything)?

[horseshowmom]

SEC is the Southeastern Conference - in this case the University of Mississippi. She was accepted into the Early Entry Pharmacy Honors Program.

To answer a previous question, the family doesn't exchange presents for birthdays and holidays due to it being such a large family. They DO, however, do gifts for the above mentioned things - certainly for graduation.

Even DH's mother commented (concerning the lack of graduation as a possible reason) that the gift is for the accomplishment, not because there was a ceremony.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly, if I hadn't received an announcement in the mail, I'd never think to send a gift either. My whole family is the same way.

Maybe it's just a difference in the families and not a slight at all. I feel bad for your DD though.

Same here...

 

[horseshowmom]

Kallison,

I homeschooled her myself through 8th grade, and then we did the DVD program through A Beka Academy for high school (it's nice being able to rewind your teacher when you don't understand something! LOL). Distance learning is becoming more well known. She did very well with it (32 on her ACT). She also "horse showed" extensively in APHA shows (American Paint Horse Association) throughout her high school years.

 

[diznygirl]

Shouldn't the fact that we've received invitations for every possible activity (graduation, wedding showers, baby showers, housewarmings) and provided a gift for every one them (one of DH's sister's has 5 children alone, another brother has 3, etc. - there are 5 children in his family) be taken into consideration? DD is an only child.

Well, no. You don't give a gift so that you will get a gift.

I'm sorry they have been so thoughtless to your DD. My guess is you will find out more about this since his mother has gotten involved and she will probably ask around.

Congratulations on having such a lovely and talented child!!

 

[lovemygoofy]

May I ask a question? I'm honestly not trying to be mean or ugly but I noticed your post about you giving presents for this, that and the other. You choose to do this right? I mean honestly do you give the presents thinking that they will repay in kind to your daughter? I'm sorry your dd's feelings are hurt and understand but I never really known anyone to expect presents for their children at graduation. Congrats to your dd for doing such a good job getting into a good school.

 

[ElizaB39]

I would be hurt. We give gifts for every special occasion in both our families. That said we are not present grubbers, it doesn't have to be much just a thoughtful card is good. I have 2 sis' that don't have much $ so they jointly give my two kids a joint gift. They are so happy just to get something and they also know their aunts don't have a lot of $ and that they love them no matter what.

The least I would anticipate is HS graduation, especially is bday and holiday gifts are not usually given. HS Grad is a BIG deal. And I agree with MIL, it is acknowledging an accomplishment and has nothing to do with a party. I had to let my BIL know that if he doesn't bring holidy gifts for BOTH of my kids, he cannot bring any at all. He used to just bring for my DD until DS got old enough to realize... I put a stop to it and DH tells him every year, if you don't buy for DS you cannot buy for DD, goes for birthdays too.

I have a friend and her bro only ever acknowledged her one daughter, they finally stopped inviting them for any special occasions for either daughter.

 

[ElizaB39]

Well, no. You don't give a gift so that you will get a gift.

I'm sorry they have been so thoughtless to your DD. My guess is you will find out more about this since his mother has gotten involved and she will probably ask around.

Congratulations on having such a lovely and talented child!!

Of course you don't, but this is something that has been going on from both sides I presume. They have always given gifts or a card before, why not now?

The fact is that not ONE family member other than gramma acknowledged her DDs grad, that is hurtful plain and simple.

 

[rascalmom]

I only do graduation gifts from grads who send me a personal announcement. Every kid we have ever known has an announcement at some point in the newspaper. Those who know us personally & we are close to -friends or family - send announcements in the mail. Some are the preprinted kind that they can buy through their school & some are very personal, highlighting some of the grad's accomplishments. Did you send any kind of announcement to the family members who neglected to send a gift?

This is common in my community - gifts to those who send you personal announcements. (not necessarily an invitation, because many schools have to restrict the number of invites each student can have due to space constraints)

 

[4nana]

Yes, I probably would be very be hurt and feel terrible for DD. She worked very hard and I know how proud you must be. Altho you didn't send out announcements, IMO it is tacky for them not to acknolwedge her accomplishment. If not a gift, flowers, a simple card, or call.....anything would be better than nothing.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, I gave many a graduation gift this year because I received an announcement. Honestly, there were kids I barely knew who sent us announcements and I resented the fact that I had to give to one esp. I even posted about him here. And now, 4 months later, he is the ONLY one I DID NOT receive a thank you note from.

Anyway, I always give something to the kids I know at the college who are special to me and DD. I have never received an invitation or announcement from any of them but I am proud of their accomplishments and acknowledge them with a gift from my heart. I can't imagine "forgetting" a niece or nephew's HS or college graduation.
I think the OP's DD got a raw deal and I don't think she is saying that since she bought gifts they should too.

 

[Aimeedyan]

We don't send gifts unless there is an invitation to an event. Not even a card usually. Maybe his side of the family is the same way? We always have graduation parties that people give gifts to - so an invite is sent out for that.

I am so sorry your daughter is hurt... I don't even know how I would handle it for the future, either.

 

[Keli]

I think you should have sent out graduation announcements just as you would have sent out graduation invitations. I'm like a lot of folks, I tend to only give presents to those that send me an invitation to their graduation or to a graduation party. It's not that I'm not willing to send one to a homeschooled niece or nephew that didn't have a party or ceremony, it's just that I wouldn't think of a gift when I saw an announcement in the paper because I'd still be waiting for the invitation to their party.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would guess that it had something to do with them not receiving an invitation to a ceremony. Since there wasn't a ceremony, perhaps you could have sent out "DD has graduated from high school" announcement cards instead.

Many people do not send cards or gifts unless they receive an invitation. I am that way. Depending on how well I know the person, depends on whether they get a nice card or card/gift.

The fact is, they didn't send anything, nothing will change that now. So you can dwell on it and let it eat at you, or acknowledge that what they did hurt DD and then move on. Hope you do the latter!

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

Your daughter sounds like a very accomplished young lady. It is too bad that they did not acknowledge her accomplishments. Although in our family, it is pretty much, no party, no gift, but our family consists of extended family, cousins and such. My 3 children are the only ones between my only sister and myself and my sister would always be invited to help us celebrate any special occasions even if it is a small celebration. Was there a reason you didn't have a celebration for her huge accomplishment?

 

[JPN4265]

Your making the assumption that your family members were required to give a gift. They were not. Samething happened to our daughter when she received her commission from USCGA, you may be hurt, and/or mad, but let it go. No one wins concerning gift giving. I agree with your husband, just don't send gifts to the other family members, they don't seem to see the need, nor should you. A card is just fine if you must send something. Congrat's to your daughter.

 

[horseshowmom]

Thanks for sharing everybody.

I guess the problem is that while we agree that nobody is "required" to give a gift, we would have assumed that they would want to (just like we have genuinely wanted to with all of their kids).

As far as "giving a gift to get a gift", if that mattered to us, we'd be out of luck just based on the numbers alone (DD is an only child)!LOL

We don't have any choice but to get past it, since we all do go to church together, and we haven't brought it up (partly because we can't think of what to say - their immediate response would be to want to go get her something and that wasn't the point anyway).

Truthfully, I'm not angry at all - just confused and hurt. In fact, we felt tremendously blessed that so many people on my side of the family were so kind to her (even lots of people from my home church that we used to attend before moving a couple of years ago to the church my husband's family all attend).

I guess it's just one of those things. They all live close together, and we live in the next town over, but she's still part of the family (at least we thought so - she's not so sure - in July one of the aunts gave one of the cousins a bridal shower and DD remarked that she didn't guess anybody on her daddy's side of the family would think enough of her to do that for her - it broke our hearts).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I guess the problem is that while we agree that nobody is "required" to give a gift, we would have assumed that they would want to (just like we have genuinely wanted to with all of their kids).

I guess I don't understand why you did not send out an announcement? That seems weird that you would expect gifts without doing that.

 

[SleepyMom]

My first thought as I was reading was the same as yours, I would be very hurt and a little upset that DD was basically ignored on such a big occasion.

As I was reading though, I did have a thought, and I may be way off mark (and I have been many times ), but here goes...

Did you have a graduation "party" for DD? Around here, most people have a gathering at their home, a park or church to honor the Graduate. An invitation is sent out, not exactly to the graduation ceremony, but to the party.

If you didn't send out an announcement to anyone, could they maybe be thinking that you did have a party and they just weren't invited? I am just trying to think of a reason from the other side why they didn't acknowledge your DD. Could they have been hurt and felt a little slighted that they weren't invited to her party (even if you didn't have one).

Could you have a Fall gathering maybe? Print out your own invitations and plan it on a weekend when DD will be home from college. Have them read something like "In celebration of _______, we are having a gathering to honor her graduation from HS"

I am not suggesting this for the presents, but more for your DD to have a chance to see these people and let them know how proud they are of her and all she has accomplished.

My DH's niece graduated HS in June, she knew we couldn't come to the graduation since last January because my DH had a conference for work. We never heard anything from her, and we were a little hurt and I thought maybe she never sent an announcement because she knew we couldn't come. I still would have liked an announcement though, with a senior picture at least. When we got back from our trip, there still was nothing from her... so I sent a card with a check and told her we were sorry we missed her big day. Later I found out no one in the family got any announcement, they were just told the info by phone so they could attend. So, we were feeling slighted for no reason. (Still waiting for the thank-you, but since she has never sent them for birthday or Christmas gifts either, I'm not holding my breath.)

 

[horseshowmom]

Graduation "announcements" aren't sent in our area (I'm 45 and have never seen one other than in the newspaper) - only invitations to a graduation ceremony are sent (which, of course, we didn't have).

We discussed having a reception, but his family is so large (about 60 or more when everybody gets together) that when you add both of our families together (plus family friends), it would have been a large and expensive activity. She really wanted a "Senior Trip", so we carried her and one of her friends to Orlando - that pretty much took up our money.

 

[horseshowmom]

SleepyMom-

We see these people 3 times a week at church (Sunday mornings, nights, and Wednesday nights). They know she didn't have a party. They've all congratulated her at church, so it's not like she doesn't see them regularly.

Because of the circumstances (homeschool), we actually sent out her senior picture in our Christmas cards, so everybody would have one.

I bought the aunts/uncles two different 5"x7"s.