What would you do (if anything)?

[horseshowmom]

Okay, folks, I'd like your opinion on a sticky subject that has been bothering me for the last few months.

Anyway, here goes...

Our DD graduated from homeschool in May. When she graduated, we put an announcement in the newspaper concerning her graduation and the various scholarships she received but didn't do a formal graduation ceremony. (The local public schools also put announcements in the newspaper of their graduates with a picture and a list of their accomplishments, so this wasn't unusual.)

She's now on a full academic scholarship at an SEC university (so it's not like she's an embarrassment to the family). She truly is a blessing - never been in any kind of trouble, and we regularly get comments on what a lovely young lady she's become.

Every person on my side of the family (relatives, friends of the family, etc.) sent her a graduation gift of some sort (even though no graduation invitations were sent out, because, of course, there was no actual graduation ceremony). People we would never have expected to send anything sent gifts, because they were so fond of her.

But...

The only person on my husband's side who sent her anything was his mother. He comes from a large family, and we have bought graduation gifts, wedding shower gifts, baby shower gifts, and housewarming gifts for every single occasion that presented itself.

We live in the next town over while they all live next door to each other, but we do go to church together (even the church gave her a beautiful Bible for graduation) and attend family events together. We've all always been very friendly with no animosity that we're aware of. Everybody has always seemed to love her.

We're dumbfounded, and my daughter is really hurt. Keep in mind that I've bought shower gifts for that side of the family twice since DD graduated. My husband has now told me not to send anything else to any of them. I told him that this is going to cause hard feelings, but as he put it, that didn't seem to matter to any of them.

My husband finally told his mother about it last night, and she couldn't believe it either (was furious at how she felt her granddaughter was being treated by the rest of the family - for no reason - it's not like our DD was the "pet" or something).

Any comments?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow--not very right at all. Did they even say anything?

I'm wondering if speaking to them would be more appropriate than not giving them a gift.

But since it is his family---I'd be inclined to honor his request.

 

[disykat]

I can see how you are hurt, but I'll try giving a few reasons they might not have sent one.

Did you send them an announcement? Could it have slipped their minds that she was graduating? I usually wait to send a gift until I get an announcement - maybe they just haven't gotten around to it? Maybe they figured since they weren't going to a ceremony or party that no gift was expected?

 

[Lil_Tink]

Maybe they forgot..After all isnt it hard to remember all those events....I am so sorry that happened...Maybe it will done on them...I dont know..Maybe drop a hint. Like on your XMAS card but a pic of your daughter at school an say.. "Now that _______ is in collage" I don't know.

 

[horseshowmom]

Lisa loves Pooh-

Over the summer they've asked questions about college and if she was looking forward to it, etc. Various ones have congratulated her on her scholarships.

disykat-

We all live in a rural area and get the same newspaper - the one that carried the announcement. Besides that, we all go to church together, and they were all there when the church presented her with a Bible for graduation in front of the congregation - kind of hard to miss, huh?

 

[aprilgail2]

We never send graduation gifts to anyone, just something my family doesn't do...we send a congrats card but never a gift....

 

[horseshowmom]

Lil Tink-

We tried to rationalize it all we could - that hurt less than the alternative - but when you have everybody on one side (including people who had no obligation at all) and nobody on the other side (except MIL), it's kind of hard to rationalize.

Honestly, it's not the gift at all. It's the slight toward DD for no reason that we can understand. As DH said, there's really no way that it can be fixed now. If you say something to them, they are, of course, mortified, but the fact is they ignored her.

I've only mentioned it to a couple of people that we know (partly because it's a little bit embarrassing). Both of them were shocked and couldn't believe it either. I might understand if DD was obnoxious or something, but she really, really is a sweet girl (and that comes from many others, not just me).

 

[pyrxtc]

no party, no gift. I'll say Congrats but don't think every occasion requires a gift.

 

[horseshowmom]

Shouldn't the fact that we've received invitations for every possible activity (graduation, wedding showers, baby showers, housewarmings) and provided a gift for every one them (one of DH's sister's has 5 children alone, another brother has 3, etc. - there are 5 children in his family) be taken into consideration? DD is an only child.

 

[Nancy]

Well, this is NOT my opinion but maybe they feel that "homeschool" graduation is not like a "real" graduation?

My oldest went to a Catholic school and had a 8th grade graduation. My Bil sent her a gift. DD #2 went to public school and had an 8th grade moving up day...BIL sent no gift, even after my MIL said that her (my DD's) feelings were hurt. I tried to make it that he sent #1 a gift because he is her Godfather. #2 still has hurt feelings about over 1 year later. She thinks Uncle R. doesn't like her as much as he likes #1.

 

[etink67]

I come from a large family. I am the youngest. When I was single, all of my siblings had children. I gave for every birthday and christmas to EVERY niece and nephew (10 0f them). Now I have two young kids of my own, my nieces and nephews are grown and my kids only recieve gifts from one of my sisters. My policy for them now is the same as an above post . No party, no gift. A nice card would have been nice though and I can totally understand your hurt feelings.

 

[horseshowmom]

DD is the youngest of the grandchildren, so we've already been through all of the other graduations, but, of course, we're still having weddings, babies, and new houses.

 

[Marseeya]

Honestly, if I hadn't received an announcement in the mail, I'd never think to send a gift either. My whole family is the same way.

Maybe it's just a difference in the families and not a slight at all. I feel bad for your DD though.

 

[magicfan]

It might be the way they were raised.
My DH's family is like that. They do not acknowledge anything, but my side of the family always does. Relatives I havent seen in many years sent us baby gifts when I had my kids. His side...nothing (except from his mom). I used to send them ALL Christmas gifts every year. They never sent anything---NOT that I expected them to, I don't. But, I did stop sending them things because we nver got a thank you or acknowledgement, or anything, ever. The pictures I'd send would go unnoticed, as well. DH's mom doesn't display them because they don't match her decor.

Has his side of the family done this before, or just this one occasion?
I have a feeling they are not upset with you or your DH, but are just like that, and are unaware that you are upset. I just learned to accept that "his" side is not like mine.

I'm sorry your DD has to feel upset about this.

 

[horseshowmom]

Well, I tried to rationalize that too, but, as I said, they were all there when the church presented her with her Bible in front of the congregation - hard to miss...

 

[eclectics]

Do they send or give gifts for her birthday, Christmas, etc.? If yes, then I would be upset. If they are not in the habit of giving her gifts for other occasions, I could see where they wouldn't find it neccesary for this occasion either.

 

[Free4Life11]

My mom stopped sending gifts to my cousins because they never sent thank-yous. My rule is, if I don't get a thank-you, no gift next year.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think they didn't send a gift or any type of acknowledgment for the same reason that Nancy (above) stated. What a shame. After all, this wasn't a family friend but an actul relative. Whether or not she had announcements or a "real" ceremony her acomplishments should have been recognized by the family. It stinks in MHO. And she'll always remember how her dad's side of the family treated her at her graduation from high school. She sounds like a wonderful girl and I am sorry she was treated shabbily by her family. It isn't like gifts are never given within your families. I think they sent a clear message to you about her homeschooling. {{{hugs}}} and sorry about this.

 

[disney4us2002]

I think Nancy may have touched on it - some might feel as it graduating from homeschool isn't any particularly big deal. Maybe they were waiting for an announcement or party invite and then figured it must not be a big deal to you guys either. Not saying that it's right, but trying to figure it out logically.

What is an SEC university?

 

[Kallison]

That stinks. How would being upfront and honest work? Just next time you talk say "listen, DD was kind of hurt that you didn't acknowledge all her hard work and h.s. graduation"....other than that, I don't know what other advice to give. I don't think I would stop recognizing their side of the family because 1. You are hurting the cousins/kids that have nothing to do with it and 2. you are stooping to their level. I try to err with caution and figure people aren't being purposefully mean. I have a MIL that tends to favor her one set of grandkids over my kids, but you know life is too short and I just shrug it off now. I hope you get the situation resolved and don't let it cause hard feelings. Congrats to your DD, it sounds like she accomplished a lot. BTW how do you homeschool all those harder h.s. courses?