What would you do? Help needed

[Scurvy]

OP, which are you more upset about - the fact that it appears you and your husband can't have a child naturally, or his response to that fact?

Would you feel the way you do right now if he seemed to be as upset about this as you are?

 

[DizBelle]

If this was so crucial to your marriage, perhaps you should have had his fertility tested before you agreed to marry him.

Did you marry the man or his sperm?

 

[DizBelle]

I don't want to get into a whole religious debate...but no, the kids are not considered to be born out of wedlock. The church just says that the basis of a marriage was not there from a start, but one doesn't know that until after the fact. There is more to it, but this isn't the place.

Anullment means that there never was wedlock. Therefore, any childeren born are, by definition, born out of wedlock.

However, it is all just semantics.

 

[Liberty Belle]

If this was so crucial to your marriage, perhaps you should have had his fertility tested before you agreed to marry him.

Did you marry the man or his sperm?

Some of you are unbelievably cruel. If you can't see the fallicy in what you're saying, then I don't think it can be explained to you.

 

[december]

You are right. Although the doctors believe based on my cycles and hormone levels etc. that I am 100 capable of having a child. Again, I envy you if you don't have that strong urge to have a child of your own, or you have forgotten what it would be like to spend your entire life without the joy of a child and grandchildren.

I really feel for you op. I think you have made it clear that this isn't about his fertility issues, but about his attitude and unwillingness to work with you on this. I'm so sorry that some posters are being so cruel.

 

[disykat]

You are right. Although the doctors believe based on my cycles and hormone levels etc. that I am 100 capable of having a child. Again, I envy you if you don't have that strong urge to have a child of your own, or you have forgotten what it would be like to spend your entire life without the joy of a child and grandchildren.

While I did end up having children biologically, it took a while. My husband was not interested in going beyond the first fertility drug ( I did go on Clomid) and did not want to consider adoption. I had always been interested in adoption. We discussed it prior to marriage and he had acted interested until it came down to it. He simply thought it wouldn't ever be an issue. I would have done anything, but the decision wasn't just up to me. I wasn't happy about our circumstances, but I would not have left him over it. I'm also looking at it from the side of the person who had the issues. I suppose my husband would have been the one leaving me because I didn't ovulate. He was 100% capable of having a child with someone else - granted that person didn't also have fertility issues. Thankfully he didn't.

I can imagine how sad it must be to give up on the idea of having kids, but to me it doesn't justify leaving a marriage. I'm REALLY surprised that so many people think it does.

 

[OceanAnnie]

some of you are unbelievably cruel. If you can't see the fallicy in what you're saying, then i don't think it can be explained to you.

ita.

 

[phorsenuf]

I have the paperwork from Bethany, an adoption agency in my area. I was looking at international adoption and this is where I saw the age limits (early 40s). I wanted an infant. I am sure that for older children things are different. I'm sure things vary by agency.

What's wrong with adopting an older child. You said you wanted to be a mother. They need mothers too.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I don’t usually ask life changing advice from the Dis, but I am living the situation and it’s hard to be objective.

When I was 28, I married a man who had previously been married and has two kids. I had never been married. I made it clear that I wanted children and asked if he was open to that. He was. Fast forward seven years and we find out that he can no longer conceive a child and our chance of conceiving is less than 1%. He is against IVF which is what the doctors recommend. Adoption is a noble calling, but he is seven years older than I and at the age cut off.

What do I do?

Do I stay with him and give up my dream for a child of my own.

or

Leave him and try to make a “go at it” with someone else.

I just don't know what to do, but I do know that a decision has to be made.

I don't know what you've been looking into if anything, but my DH and I are currently researching adoption and nearing a decision very soon. Your husband is 42 if you're posting the ages correctly. Mine is 50 and we will have absolutely no problems applying with an agency because of his age. The only cutoff age that matters is the 1 the Birthmothers choose. And 42 isn't it.

That said I really DON"T think you should leave him just because you can't have a baby with him. There is absolutely no guarantee that will get pregnant with any man regardless. I have not read any of the other responses but perhaps y'all should invest in some marriage counseling b4 doing anything.

 

[disykat]

I really feel for you op. I think you have made it clear that this isn't about his fertility issues, but about his attitude and unwillingness to work with you on this. I'm so sorry that some posters are being so cruel.

I suppose it's hard for some of us to overlook comments like "I guess I saw him as a means to an end." and "I'm 100% capable of having children on my own." Especially hard for those of us who were the infertile half of the couple.

It's also hard to see unwillingness on the husband's side when they've done IUI six times and looked into adoption.

I think the OP needs to take the child question out of the equation and decide if she's in her marriage or not, rather than using the fact that he can't have more kids as an excuse to leave him.

 

[TAKitty]

I really do thank all of you for your opinions. I have a lot to think about and a lot to discuss with the counselor.

I don't feel like fighting with anyone here. Thank you for your responses, but I'm finished with the discussion.

 

[mjkacmom]

I really feel for you op. I think you have made it clear that this isn't about his fertility issues, but about his attitude and unwillingness to work with you on this. I'm so sorry that some posters are being so cruel.

I can't agree more! I knew I wanted children, and DH wanted children. If we tried all means possible, and I still couldn't have a baby, so be it. However, if he refused to even try, knowing how important is was to me, I truly don't know what I'd do. I understand the longing, and fortunately didn't have any issues.

 

[sbell111]

You are right. Although the doctors believe based on my cycles and hormone levels etc. that I am 100 capable of having a child. Again, I envy you if you don't have that strong urge to have a child of your own, or you have forgotten what it would be like to spend your entire life without the joy of a child and grandchildren.

What a strange post.

Regardless, I am familiar with your situation. I am 42 years old. A few years ago, after years of trying, we were told that it was extremely unlikely that my wife could conceive. IVF was not an option as she is Catholic. Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

I suppose that I could have taken that opportunity to get a divorce and go find a nice, fertile woman. Instead, I stayed married to the one to whom I promised to be with forever.

My decision was rewarded. Baby Sarah will be born in November.

 

[TwinsinCA]

First of all hugs to the OP. You are in an impossible position.


I wish I could understand why your dh is so dead set against using donor sperm. If you can raise children HE had with another woman why can't he raise children you have with another man? It isn't as though this other person would even be involved in anyway like an ex would be.

 

[Dictator]

Please leave him. That way he won't have to live with you resenting him for the rest of your married life.

-From someone who's been there.

 

[ms.yt]

I was actually shocked that he was against IVF. He is Catholic but not in every way, and I didn't know the stance of the church. I feel like I have given up everything, and he doesn't have to. It is hard on all these issues. It is hard for me to understand how he could father two children. When we got married the youngest was five. I was with him for three years prior to marriage.

I have looked into adoption. I have tried to research other options, but it all lies on me. We have tried IUI five times because the church does approve of this. The doctors are against it because our success rate will be about zero, but at least I feel like we are trying something.

OP, didn't I read in one of your earlier posts that you and your husband didn't engage in premarital sex? Since you state that you dated for 3 years prior to marriage, I would think that would have been a very strong indicator that he was very devout in his religious beliefs.

Also, I included the part of your post where you mentioned adoption. It seems like you have just brushed that option off as something you're not interested in. If that's the case, okay, adoption isn't for everybody. But then it's a different situation all together. It's not that you can't be a mother, it's that you don't want to be a mother to a child you didn't give birth to and/or start mothering from infancy. It seems like you haven't given the option of adoption much real thought based solely on your posts. I would encourage you to do a little more research on it before totally ruling it out.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am just being honest...


Marriage is for better or for worse, until death do you part. In sickness and in health.


This is the "sickness" part. I can't see divorcing my husband over something beyond his control. If you were barren, how would you feel if your husband dumped you to go find fertile Mertile?

IVF is not 100% . If that was a deal breaker, I would have brought it up prior to marriage and then not gotten married if it was THAT important to me.

I can appreciate your desire to have children--however, I question you even thinking of leaving him b/c he won't do what is against his religion (something that should have been discussed prior to marriage).

I don't believe you have given up everything. I think that you are--being too selfish in the decision. What if your next partner was unable to conceive as well? Then what? Do you just keep remarrying until you get your baby?

He didn't break his sperm. You worked on this for 7 years. It seems you guys should have discussed alternatives sooner in the marriage. It seems you didn't do everything you could have to get a child including discussing and preparing for all avenues that you both would mutually agree in order to get a child.

 

[DizBelle]

Some of you are unbelievably cruel. If you can't see the fallicy in what you're saying, then I don't think it can be explained to you.

Maybe what I said was harsh. But I also think it is unbelievably cruel to contemplate leaving a man who is physically incapable of providing you with a child. What if it was for a different reason? What if he had gotten testicular cancer and had to have them removed. I would just hope she would see him through the chemotherapy before she left him.

There is more to a marriage than producing children.

Of course we don't really know, but it seems there is some merit to other poster's thoughts that he has more of a willingness issue than a capability issue.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I knew he was very Catholic when we married but he had two kids and I was young and healthy, I certainly didn't think I would ever have to consider IVF. In fact, I always said that I would never play god and have IVF, but that was before the doctors said it was our only hope.

This thread has helped me see that I have looked at my husband as a means to an end and that isn't fair to him.

Did you say that to your husband?

Then you too--agreed with him.

To change your mind b/c you want it and you want it NOW (emphasis as what you may be feeling--not that you are demanding in this manner)---is unfair to him as you did flip flop.

If you said it to yourself---you still probably in some way conveyed that you guys would go the au naturelle route to baby making.

Marital counseling is in order--whether or not he ever agrees to IVF. There are some issues going on that a baby will not fix. (as an oustide observer!)

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Deleted b/c I don't want to get in trouble.

For info on why Catholics do what they do--google for Apologetics/Catholicsim and you will find an excellent blog that willingly answers questions on what the Catholic stance on just about anything you can imagine is.