What types of funerals are you used to attending?

[mjkacmom]

I guess I was just lucky that no one I was close to died until that age.

It's a personal preference, but among my family and friends, I don't see a lot of younger kids. Teens and tweens maybe. I think it's really an individual choice; you have to know your child, know how it will affect them and of course it depends on the relationship with the deceased. I wouldn't force a child (or anyone for that matter) to attend if they did not want to. Everyone handles grief differently.

My grandparents all came from big families. Honestly, it's so much easier if you start going when you are little. Dd15 was 3 when my grandmother died. She approached the casket many times and stroked her cheek. I made sure to bring my kids to wakes of people they didn't know (like my friend's mom) to desensitize them. When my mom dies this year (a second mom to them, they saw her daily), they were fine at the wake (they were present at her passing).

 

[ronandannette]

...One ritual that I hope never see is where the service is held in the crematory, and those in attendance are there when the deceased is place inside, and often a family members turns on the crematory. I know it is tradition in some religions, but a co-worker did this for her brother, and she turned on the oven, and she says that helped give her closure and accept the finality of his death.

That is an obligation of the eldest child (although I've only ever seen it done by a male; oldest son or grandson) in the Hindu and Sikh faiths. It often also involves the lighting of a ceremonial cloth placed directly on the face of the deceased, to more closely resemble the actual way a disposition is handled in India. I worked at a funeral home that was the first in Calgary to develop a facility specifically for witnessed cremations which had, in earlier times, been unheard of here until the Southeast Asian populations began to increase.

In general, cremations (what you'd call the "regular" kind) are much more common that burial here now. My own immediate family and several close friends over the past year (sad to say) have held traditional funerals with visitation (viewing) the night before at the funeral home, church service and graveside service for interment, and then a luncheon either back at the church or funeral home. Other than those, I haven't been to or heard of a funeral that wasn't actually a "memorial service" or even called a "celebration of life" for someone that had already been cremated, for quite some time.

The last funeral I attended was a couple of weeks ago and it was actually held in a sports bar. No decedent (not even the cremains) - just a video tribute and an open-mike time. Things can pretty much be done any way the family wants them nowadays. I do find it a little sad though when people elect to hold no service at all. I get that sometimes the deceased themselves have expressed that wish, but I personally feel like everybody deserves a tribute of some sort, and everybody grieving a loss needs some sort of chance to publicly mourn.

 

[cornflkgrl]

One or two days of viewings (2 - 4, 7 - 9 or 2 - 6), usually open casket, usually a little service at each viewing, before the funeral Mass the next morning, family and close friends go to funeral home to pay last respects. Everyone goes to the Mass, then to the cemetery, then to the repast (usually at a restaurant).

This.

I was taken to funerals starting at age 8 or 9 and as an adult I generally do not attend funerals as a rule because of the open casket stuff, rosaries in stuffy scary funeral homes, etc. I was subjected to as a kid. Funeral home trauma.

I made an exception a year or two ago when my grandmother died and even went to the viewing. She looked really sweet and peaceful and I was glad I had closure. I personally don't have any belief related to the ritual though -- it is something family just does. I plan to be cremated and have my kids do a memory garden or tree.

 

[Brittni__duh]

I've been to quite a few funerals in my time. Most of them take place in a funeral home or church. There is usually a viewing the night before when everyone can get together, console the family, sign the guest book, and view the deceased. The day after is the service. Some have involved the burial or procession. Others have not.

The one I remember most clearly is my best friends funeral in high school. I had to miss the viewing because of work but the funeral was an open casket. It was the first time I had seen a deceased person. After the service, everyone walked past the casket on their way to his final resting place. We all released butterflies there. He was cremated and intered on his birthday but only his family was in attendance for that.

I've been to a few funerals since then but I can not handle open caskets. The last one I attended was an open casket and I would not go near it. I sat in the back.

 

[awalker1015]

I've been to all kinds. But in my family the viewing is private and for immediate family only. Usually happens an hour or so before the visitation. The family says its goodbyes then there is the visitation. In most cases the funeral is the following morning and is a service at either the church or in some cases the funeral home. Following that is the burial and that is also family and close friends only

 

[King Schultz]

I was never close to my dad's parents. They lived in Missouri while I was growing up in California- I met my grandfather once, but I was little and don't remember. When he passed, my dad went back for the funeral, but we didn't. I did get to know my grandmother, but we just never bonded. When she passed at age 94, my dad, my brother, and I were somewhere in Alabama working on a Wal Mart remodel. We couldn't all go for the funeral- we had 5 guys working for us, staying in a motel, plus trucks and equipment, so I stayed and they went.

But I was very close to my mother's parents and her brother. They lived in Long Beach where I grew up, and were very much a part of my day-to-day life as a kid.

They were all, along with my mother, born on the Bad River reservation in northern Wisconsin. My grandfathers mother was full blooded Chippewa Indian, and his father was Irish. My grandmother was 3rd generation Irish, "off the boat" as they'd say. So my mom's family was Indian, Irish, and very Catholic.

When my grandparents and uncle passed, all within a few years of each other (late 80's, early 90's) and all the funerals were the same.

There was a 'viewing' at a funeral home chapel in the town closest to the reservation. You walked past the body, then sat in the chapel staring at the body. Then eventually most everyone would drift over to the bar across the street where they would be much drinking, catching up, toasting the deceased, telling stories.

The next day there'd be a long, drawn out funeral mass in the Catholic church on the reservation. Open casket; more staring at the corpse. Then a trip to the cemetery, where there would be a shorter service, and then the burial.

Then it would be on to the community center where there would be a 'feed' put together by non-family members. Venison, duck, wild rice, fish. And then on to someones house for beers and more reminiscing.


While part of me appreciated the tradition, I mostly hated it. It seemed unnecessarily traumatic.

There was no overnight epiphany, but over the years both me and my brother and my parents decided a cremation and simple service was the best way to go. And my mom didn't even want the service.

It's certainly not a knock on anyone who feels a large funeral is best for them; we just decided making things for those left behind as easy as possible was the way to go.

 

[xlsm]

I'm a "funeral home kid", which just means that my grandpa is a minister and he managed a funeral home for my entire life, until he retired. He and my grandmother even lived upstairs above it for several years.
I've been around bodies and the funeral home for more services than I could even begin to count.
My best friend's family owned the other funeral home in town, so I have just always been around it no matter what! I have a very different attitude about the dead, and death and dying in general, that most people I've met (including my husband, who has limited experience with death and/or funerals) have trouble relating to.

I've probably seen it all, including one service where everyone in attendance was wearing Hawaiian shirts and had a Jimmy Buffet sing along. That was also my favorite.
Most people do the traditional viewing (usually called "family night" around here) the evening before for a couple of hours, and the body will lie in state at the funeral home for a day or so, so people who can't attend the service can come sign the guest book and pay their respects. Then there is the funeral service itself, either open or closed casket depending on the family's or the deceased's wishes, followed by internment at the cemetery, typically referred to as the "grave side service". Many families elect to have only a grave side service if cost is an issue, and they are not comfortable with cremation.

My family tends to skip the viewing/family night part when our own people pass away, simply because it's usually worse than the funeral itself in terms of the sadness factor.

Personally, when my own time comes, I would like to be cremated. No service necessary, unless they choose to do a "celebration of life" type of thing. Maybe I'll ask for Hawaiian shirts and Jimmy Buffet That'd be a good way to ride off into the sunset.

 

[Brittni__duh]

Personally, when my own time comes, I would like to be cremated. No service necessary, unless they choose to do a "celebration of life" type of thing. Maybe I'll ask for Hawaiian shirts and Jimmy Buffet That'd be a good way to ride off into the sunset.

When my best friend passed, everyone was asked to wear tie-dye and there was a lot of his favorite music incorporated into the service. As far as funeral services go, it was the most enjoyable and personal service I've attended. During the open casket, he dressed in tie-dye from head to toe. Tie-dye bandana in the long hair down to his tie dye tennis shoes.

 

[low-key]

This whole burial thing, is ridiculously expensive, everyone is shammed into not getting the cheapest anything, who wants to end up in a casket anyway, blow up the whole system

 

[maxaroni]

I grew up with the viewing 2-4, 7-9 one day and a short service at funeral home the next day, following with a Mass or church service. After church, the close family and friends would go to the cemetery, following up with a lunch. When my mom passed, it was the first time we broke "tradition". She was cremated - direct cremation, meaning no embalming necessary. We also did not have a service. I am an only child, as well as both my parents. Very small family. My dad wants the same. I am his health proxy and he will be DNR when we get to that point. It will be all up to me to follow his wishes. DH and I have decided that we also want to be direct cremated.

 

[macraven]

Sometimes when an elderly person passes, they have outlived all their siblings and relatives

That was the case I had

Since I only have one brother and an aunt that is 89, I buried both my parents two weeks ago without any church services

I had them buried in a military cemetery with the flag ceremony and taps since both were veterans

I'm sure the traditional funeral service gives the ones left behind closure

 

[JoeA]

My family is more of the open casket at the funeral home followed by a service and burial the next day. Gotta say I don't care for that.

A dear family friend passed 2 years ago and we hiked to a mountain top and spread her ashes in the wind. She would have appreciated this greatly, I know. I liked this.

Me, I want a small gathering of close friends and family drinking a bottle of scotch. I then would like for my wife and kids to spend the next year or so spreading my ashes over my favorite places (mostly Hawaii).

If they don't want to do that then I'm cool with that too.

 

[Turn the Page]

Around here there is generally a viewing at the funeral home the evening before or for a few hours before the service. If the service is held at the funeral home then it is generally an open casket service but it seems if the service is held at a church then it is closed casket. After the funeral then there is normally a processional to the burial site but who attends varies. Depending on the time of year and how many people are at the service it may be family only for the short graveside service and the actual burial. There is often a luncheon of some kind after the service. There are a lot of memorial services after cremation though, that is very common here. In that case it is a service at a church or community center or whatever followed by a lunch at a restaurant or more commonly fellowship hall or something like that.

We do get a lot of snow here in the winter but most cemeteries will do burials in the middle of winter though some don't. In a neighboring town apparently they no longer do winter interments as the last time they did one when the snow melted in the spring they discovered they had buried the person in the wrong place. Oops.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Very different funerals over here. When my mom's parents passed (2 years apart) both cremated, memorial mass and lunch afterwards. Some ashes are in.the white mountains of.New Hampshire. My grandpa is also at Yankee stadium and Lambeau field..

My husband's family's are a big to do. 2 days for the wake and funeral mass. Then the burial then a lunch. It's quite the opposite of us.

My sil is Jewish. She lost her grandfather and we went to sit Shiva. Which is just paying respect to the family.

 

[Turn the Page]

This whole burial thing, is ridiculously expensive, everyone is shammed into not getting the cheapest anything, who wants to end up in a casket anyway, blow up the whole system

My grandfather passed away this summer and I found it interesting that my parents planned the visitation to happen for two hours just before the service at the funeral home. When my grandmother passed away 3 years ago my grandfather planned it so the visitation was one day and then the funeral service and burial were the next day so it surprised me my parents did it differently. At first I thought it was almost a little disrespectful I guess you would say that he wasn't having as much pomp and circumstance as he had planned for my grandmother when she passed but I also find that I seem to process and cope with the loss much better outside of these events. I was doing pretty well beforehand, he was 89 years old and had entered hospice care so it was not unexpected at all but it was still a bit sad. I was coping well until I walked into the funeral home and saw him laying in his casket and I just started bawling and didn't stop until the burial was over about 4 hours later. By the time it was all said and done I was just thinking "for the love of god when will this end so I can go home and calm down!!!!"

My grandmother that passed 3 years ago was technically my stepgrandma. My dads mom passed away before I was born and grandpa married his second wife when I was just a few months old so she was always grandma to me. Well, when my dad's mom passed away grandpa got a double headstone for the two of them. When grandma died she didn't want to be buried in Canada next to her first husband so grandpa arranged for her to have the plot on the other side of his next to his first wifes. Got her a matching headstone and everything. He didn't remarry but he was in a relationship with another woman when he died and apparently the plan is for her to go on the other side of grandma. So currently grandpa is smack dab in between his two wives and when the girlfriend passes she will join the three of them. I can't help but think of them as a polygamist group.

 

[xlsm]

When my best friend passed, everyone was asked to wear tie-dye and there was a lot of his favorite music incorporated into the service. As far as funeral services go, it was the most enjoyable and personal service I've attended. During the open casket, he dressed in tie-dye from head to toe. Tie-dye bandana in the long hair down to his tie dye tennis shoes.

I love this.
Too often, in my opinion, funeral services have nothing to do with the person who has actually passed on. I personally feel they should be a true reflection of who the person was, what they loved, and how they lived their lives. I understand the desire of others to "be respectful", but I think it IS respectful to celebrate a life well lived, and embrace the wonderful memories made through the years.

Sometimes though, traditional is perfect...in the case of my grandmother, she would have loved seeing all the people sad and crying over her, and knowing there were so many flowers and cards. It would have been a feather in her cap, LOL!! We all laughed afterward and said it was a shame she didn't get to see it herself, she'd have reveled in it. And in that moment of laughter and smiling, following an emotionally exhausting day, we were able to pause and reflect, and think of her with love and affection, and appreciate who she was as a person. To me, that's what is most important.

 

[bethbuchall]

This whole burial thing, is ridiculously expensive, everyone is shammed into not getting the cheapest anything, who wants to end up in a casket anyway, blow up the whole system

One thing my grandfather was adamant about was having a "simple pine box" when he was buried. It was shameful how the funeral home was telling my parents that they didn't care enough to give him something plusher.

My aunt never wanted an open casket. She wanted to be cremated and not have much of a service. My uncle (her husband) knew this and agreed with her. She died at a relatively young age of breast cancer. There was a service with an open casket. I don't know if he needed it, my cousins did, or if they sensed that her siblings did. Either way, I'm sure that she'd understand.

I believe that funerals are for the living, so I want my family to do what is best for them. If I have any input, though, I'd rather it be done as inexpensively as possible and the money spent for travel or something fun or something needed. And, I'd really rather not have my body on display for the everyone to gawk at. But if they need that, then that's what they should do. I just don't want others to tell them what is "right" or make them feel that they are not paying tribute enough to me. They do that every day.

 

[okeydokey]

Sometimes when an elderly person passes, they have outlived all their siblings and relatives

That was the case I had

Since I only have one brother and an aunt that is 89, I buried both my parents two weeks ago without any church services

I had them buried in a military cemetery with the flag ceremony and taps since both were veterans

I'm sure the traditional funeral service gives the ones left behind closure

I'm so sorry. That is quite a loss all at once.

 

[jevs]

This whole burial thing, is ridiculously expensive, everyone is shammed into not getting the cheapest anything, who wants to end up in a casket anyway, blow up the whole system

I agree. Would prefer to have my ashes scattered in the middle of the ocean so I can continue to travel.

But I'm also quite taken with this idea if I ever change my mind.
http://www.mygreenaustralia.com/green-burials/

 

[StitchFanZ]

The tradition here is a private burial with family and then a Celebration of Life service with friends and family followed by a meal for everyone. I don't know if this is more of a West Coast thing or not but I think these services really minister to those attending. Generally, a pastor speaks and there is also a time when others can go up front and share. Time is taken to remember and share precious memories of the deceased.