What to say to this mom?

[DVC Sadie]

Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but a friend's daughter drowned in the family swimming pool. There were many people present at the time. It doesn't take long. It is one of the worst funerals to attend.

All childrens funerals are the worst to attend. Doesn't matter how they died, just that they did die.

 

[goofy's friends]

I still don't get why you can't just tell your kid she can't swim there anymore.

that's a given. Of course, I've told her that.

 

[goofy's friends]

She's 7. I kind of expect her to act like a 7-year-old. Put her in the time-out and tell her that if she goes swimming without asking for your permission, she will go to time-out every time in the future. And then tell her exactly how to do it. Say "next time you are playing with Beth Smith at Mrs. Smith's house, and you want to go swimming, call me on the telephone and ask me if it's OK."

I've already dealt with my DD (and it was way more than a time-out), I'm trying to figure out what to say (if anything) to the mom.

 

[kimmikayb]

Sorry but I have to be the voice of disagreement. There are ways to address this with the neighbor without it turning into a full blown confrontation. Does your DD have blame in this? yes and you freely admit it and will take care of it. However, there is no reason why you can't have a friendly chat with the neighbor and ask her to give you a call prior to your DD swimming in their pool. A simple, "My DD isn't necessarily a good swimmer." or some other statement that doesn't toss the blame at the neighbor. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but a friend's daughter drowned in the family swimming pool. There were many people present at the time. It doesn't take long. It is one of the worst funerals to attend.

agree with this suggestion.

This is a new pool? I'd make sure the parents of your DD's friend know you do not want your kids in a pool without adult supervision. Safety first. However, it will be hard on your DD to be left out all the time, I would guess it will be a popular spot. You could ground her from swimming there for a period of time but maybe give your DD another chance?

I'm sure you'll do the right thing, you sound like a great mom.

 

[makinorlando]

In our neighborhood where pretty much all of my DD's friend's families (including us) have pools, the rule with all the parents and kids is that if someone wants to swim in someone else's pool the parents must speak prior to getting in the pool. During the summer it is not unusual for the kids to have their bathing suits on so jumping in the pool would be real easy, but that is the agreement that we all made. If the kids are coming over to our house, I usually check with the mom's ahead of time so I know who can and who can't - it's all or none when it comes to the pool.

I would nicely chat with the other mom - if this is a new pool, they might just not thought about it being an issue.

I feel a great deal of responsibility when I have other children in my pool. I know DDs abilities, but not always the other children.

 

[crazee4mickey]

I would just nicely say to the mom that you had told your daughter she was not to go swimming but since she ended up going anyways she has gotten into trouble--hopefully if the mom did go against what you said, she might fess up.
Tell her you are very concerned about your child being in/around a pool when you are not around as accidents can happen so easily and that unless the mother phones to confirm with you whether your child can go swimming she is strictly not allowed to go.

 

[golfgal]

First of all, how do you KNOW the mom wasn't watching them? I have kids and I really, REALLY doubt your DD told the other mom she couldn't swim because she really wanted to swim and like it or not, kids that age lie so they can do fun things. If you don't think your kids lie, you are just plain wrong. This is an issue with your DD and you, not the other mom. For what ever reason people think they can enforce their own rules at other people's houses when they are not there and that is just wrong. If you don't want your DD swimming at that house, you shouldn't have let her go over there. I wouldn't say anything to the other mom.

 

[Southern4sure]

I would have let her swim another time before this happened--not now, though. I feel like I want to throw up when I imagine.....which is why I can't let this happen again. My DD and her DD had the answer and she (the mom) didn't check with me. If I had a pool, I would NEVER let a child swim unless I had talked to the parent and then, I would be watching like a hawk!!!!

I have a hard time putting all the blame on the other mom. This is not a one way street. If your daughter & her friend were begging to swim and then they went to her house, I would have picked up the phone or went over and talked with the mom about my wishes. I would not have my 7 yr old taking care of my wishes about something so important. Yes, your daughter should have come home instead of swim but how many 7 yr olds would do that?

I will also say that during the course of the pool being built I would have talked with the mom about how she was planning on dealing with neighborhood kids coming over to swim and etc. Since this was a good friend of my child and they play together this would have been the first thing I wanted to know.

 

[auntpolly]

There used to be a lady on our street that would give candy to a little girl who's mom wouldn't let her eat it. (not diabetic or anything, just didn't think it was healthy. Well I guess it's not, LOL).

Anyway it always ticked me off and I always felt like a traitor for not squealing. That's all we needed was another neighborhood feud (we were practically the Hatfields and the McCoys). But I thought the mom who gave the candy was a real idiot, making that decision to decide for herself what was best for someone else's child.

 

[Microcell]

I am a mom of a 7 year old and her cronies that went to several neighborhood houses to get a popsicle this weekend after I said that they couldn't because they just ate watermelon at our house. They struck gold at the neighbors house.

Later on dd asked if her friends could come over for dinner. I said to ask their parents and the dad was walking out of the house, so they asked and I heard a very firm, NO from the dad. Case closed no guests for dinner, right? NOPE! The mom comes out and says it is fine with her. The dad was leaving when he said no so he had not discussed this.

Kids are the masters of manipulation. I would hold your DD accountable and not cause bad neighbor relations.

 

[goofy's friends]

I just talked to the mom at the bus stop. My DD DID (I repeat, DID) tell the mom she wasn't supposed to swim. I asked her. They had been over for a minute before to get something and my DD told her then. When they were back over for longer and came down in the swimsuits, she thought I had changed my mind. I'm sorry, but if I had said no before, she should have checked with me. Those of you who think I haven't held my daughter responsible on this are just wrong. Those of you who think she lied to me about telling the mom are just wrong. (I am under no illusions that she didn't mess up royally, but she fessed up and her story matches what the mom said when asked). Maybe, I should have talked to the mom about the pool and I was planning on it (which is why I wouldn't let her swim yet), but I just hadn't yet---never dreamed it would be an issue in April.

I told the mom I was uncomfortable with her swimming without me knowing and she said they were fine--she was in and out of the house, working in the garden. I asked that she call me from now on before they swim and check with me and she said she would. She did apologize for the misunerstanding.
See, there is a way to talk to a neighbor without ill-will.

 

[goofy's friends]

In our neighborhood where pretty much all of my DD's friend's families (including us) have pools, the rule with all the parents and kids is that if someone wants to swim in someone else's pool the parents must speak prior to getting in the pool. During the summer it is not unusual for the kids to have their bathing suits on so jumping in the pool would be real easy, but that is the agreement that we all made. If the kids are coming over to our house, I usually check with the mom's ahead of time so I know who can and who can't - it's all or none when it comes to the pool.

I would nicely chat with the other mom - if this is a new pool, they might just not thought about it being an issue.

I feel a great deal of responsibility when I have other children in my pool. I know DDs abilities, but not always the other children.

I think this is a great policy and will suggest this!! Thanks for the suggestion

 

[disykat]

.

I told the mom I was uncomfortable with her swimming without me knowing and she said they were fine--she was in and out of the house, working in the garden. I asked that she call me from now on before they swim and check with me and she said she would. She did apologize for the misunerstanding.
See, there is a way to talk to a neighbor without ill-will.

I think you handled that just right! Now, IMO, the trick is not ever letting her swim there without causing a neighborhood battle. It doesn't sound like her idea of pool supervision is age appropriate.

 

[cats mom]

I'm glad you got the call before swimming thing worked out with your neighbor.

I'm with disykat though.
I wouldn't be comfortable with my 7 yr old DD swimming if the adult supervision consisted of being "in and out of the house, working in the garden"
Accidents can happen sooo quickly.

My little ones would live in the pool during the summer if they could - but pool time is limited because they need to have an adult or responsible teen "on duty" watching them when they swim.

 

[goofy's friends]

I think you handled that just right! Now, IMO, the trick is not ever letting her swim there without causing a neighborhood battle. It doesn't sound like her idea of pool supervision is age appropriate.

Thanks! And I agree about the pool supervision and think I will just have to go with her until I get comfortable with the situation. I know DD is going to want to be down there all the time---we'll have to set some rules, since this is a new situation for us.

I know a lady who had a pool and would never let a child swim in it without their parent unless they could swim the length of the pool. Just an idea for those with pools--it lets you know the swimming capabilities of the kids you have over. Of course, this was coupled with good supervision.

 

[dizagain]

I would have called the other Mom and made sure it was understood that my child could not swim...I would have never trusted my 7 year old to not be "tempted".

I would definitely do this from now on, BUT...I'm sure it never crossed the op's mind that someone would let her 7 year old swim without parental permission! I have never had anything like that happen before and my DD's are 10 and 12...swimming is planned in advance or I get a phone call asking first ALWAYS, so I wouldn't have thought to call someone to tell them my DD couldn't swim because she hadn't even been asked by an adult yet!

I would definitely have a nice conversation with the other mom asking that in the future, no swimming without adult permission and no un-supervised swimming at all. You could even offer to come over and supervise yourself sometimes if that helps. Good luck!

 

[twinmomplus2new]

I have a pool and I have to say letting someones child swim Unless I had spoken to Mom is just out of the question..

When My kids play elsewhere and there is a pool. It is known that they are not allowed to swim if I am not present.


There was an article in the paper last summer, that I cut out and put on the fridge,
It says.... A backyard pool is like a bonfire. Parents need to take the same precautions as if thier child was sitting near a bonfire, Be vigilant and don't take your eyes off them for a second. A tradgedy happens in the instnat you turn your back for that one second.

 

[krcit]

I have to agree with others that that mom's idea of supervision doesn't cut it. 7 year olds should not be in a pool without a grownup watching them every minute. I also would never let a child swim without checking with the parents first. My oldest dd is almost 11 and an excellent swimmer and she still calls me before swimming at someones house.