What to say to this mom?

[goofy's friends]

My DD7 was playing with a neighbor girl and they both asked me to go swimming in their pool. I said no several times (you know how they keep asking). Finally I looked my DD straight in the eye and said "we're not swimming today". They played for a while at our house and then went to the neighbors. When she got home, I asked her what she did and she said they played with toys, etc. (not a word about swimming). She might not have gotten caught, but the neighbor told my DD9. DD7 is in BIG trouble, but my question is this: She insists that she told the mom she wasn't supposed to and their daughter heard me tell mine no many times. My daughter was disobedient, but now I can't trust the neighbor mom to listen to my wishes, so not sure we can play together. On top of that, it seems that the mom wasn't reallly watching them swim either---that burns me up! The whole situation has made me sick to my stomach with what could have happened and my own DD not standing up for what was right, but I have to talk to this mom and find out what happened and I don't know what to say. Any help out there?????

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I wouldn't bring it up. It is highly unlikely that the woman forced your kid into the pool. It is more likely that your daughter decided to swim even though she knew she wasn't supposed to do so.

I'd find a way to make sure it didn't happen again, of course. But I'd do that with my kid.

 

[milkabum]

That's a tough situation. I mean, if the neighbour mom even had a clue that you said no and you didn't want her swimming, she would tell you in the first place. If she asks again, say she can't swim because she is busy. Next time your DD goes there, and they ask if they would like to go swimming(after you said no) make sure your DD tells you. If/when your DD tells you, make sure that the next time your DD visits her or the neighbour asks that you tell her:

"I'm sorry, but we can't swim today. My daughter has lost her privledges." If she has.
OR-
"I appreciate you asking, but we simply can't go swimming today."

Good luck!
-Emily AKA milkabum (milkabum: Emily in Polish is Emilka, I'm a beach bum. E/milka+beach/bum=milkabum )

 

[LoveWDW]

I agree that you should work it out with your daughter. It isn't a good idea to make an enemy of a neighbor if it can be helped. I'd use the diplomatic responses suggested by milkabum.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wouldn't say anything either. You sent your dd over there to play. You knew they were begging to swim and should have expected it.
A 7yo doesn't have to much restraint, imo.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Sorry but I have to be the voice of disagreement. There are ways to address this with the neighbor without it turning into a full blown confrontation. Does your DD have blame in this? yes and you freely admit it and will take care of it. However, there is no reason why you can't have a friendly chat with the neighbor and ask her to give you a call prior to your DD swimming in their pool. A simple, "My DD isn't necessarily a good swimmer." or some other statement that doesn't toss the blame at the neighbor. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but a friend's daughter drowned in the family swimming pool. There were many people present at the time. It doesn't take long. It is one of the worst funerals to attend.

 

[MAKmom]

I would tell your DD7 you are going to call the woman & ask her if DD7 told her she can not swim today. Tell DD to fess up now because if you find out she is lying she is in BIG TROUBLE. At this point with a 7 year old the truth should come out.

 

[goofy's friends]

I would tell your DD7 you are going to call the woman & ask her if DD7 told her she can not swim today. Tell DD to fess up now because if you find out she is lying she is in BIG TROUBLE. At this point with a 7 year old the truth should come out.

Did this already. She is insisting that she said something. The mom sent them up to play and just didn't say/do anything about it when they came down in swimsuits.

DD7 is usually very obedient and I know she really wanted to, but that doesn't mean I should have "expected" (as another poster said) her to do exactly what I said no to.

I agree with Eeyore, too dangerous to let it go.

 

[lizanne]

I'd tell your daughter that she must ask you before she goes swimming anywhere. Then I would have a talk with your neighbor - you're the adults and a kid will be a kid.

Tell your neighbor that your daughter needs your permission to go swimming, and ask if she would please check with you before allowing your DH in her pool. Tell her you'd also like to check with her (the neighbor) before allowing the neighbors daughter in your pool.

We have a pool and I never let any young children in our pool without the parents permission. Also, in my opinion, 7 year old children need adult supervision while swimming.

 

[lulugirl]

Has Dd been swimming at this neighbors house before and does she (the neighbor) usually check w/ you before allowing them in the pool?
I would be much more concerned about the lack of supervision while swimming, than the swimming itself.
I would be very surprised if your Dd told the adult neighbor that she wasn't allowed to swim, but the neighbor let her swim anyhow.

 

[goofy's friends]

The pool is new, so no they have not swam there before. And this mom has not done what I asked before--just not sending DD home on time, etc., nothing big like swimming. I don't want to accuse her --just ask her to not let DD swim without my permission again.

 

[MAKmom]

Then I would go over & tell the woman that DD is in trouble because you told her NOT to swim. Then pause & see what she says. Then if the woman does not fess up ask her point balnk. The mom may not have been paying attention to what your DD& said. BUT you do need to know that they are supervised when swimming.

 

[ElizK]

If it were my daughter she wouldn't be playing over there anymore. You can't trust the mom, and you can't trust your daughter when she's there. Let them play at your house or in the front yard.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I would have called the other Mom and made sure it was understood that my child could not swim...I would have never trusted my 7 year old to not be "tempted".

 

[RitaZ.]

I would have called the other Mom and made sure it was understood that my child could not swim...I would have never trusted my 7 year old to not be "tempted".

I agree with this.

Do you not want your DD to go swimming at their house ever or was it just this one time?

When it comes to swimming, I always verify with the parents that it's ok for their child to swim with us. Imagine if something happened to the child while swimming in the pool. It wouldn't matter how many times the child was told they weren't allowed to swim, the homeowner would be responsible.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would ask the mother for an explanation about what happened and tell her that your DD wasn't supposed to swim and you understand that she did. I wouldn't put her on the defensive, but I would act a bit baffled about what had happened. It's not as if she gave your DD ice cream when she'd already had dessert. This was swimming in a pool when you DD wasn't supposed to and without proper supervision--not a small thing.

 

[goofy's friends]

I agree with this.

Do you not want your DD to go swimming at their house ever or was it just this one time?

When it comes to swimming, I always verify with the parents that it's ok for their child to swim with us. Imagine if something happened to the child while swimming in the pool. It wouldn't matter how many times the child was told they weren't allowed to swim, the homeowner would be responsible.

I would have let her swim another time before this happened--not now, though. I feel like I want to throw up when I imagine.....which is why I can't let this happen again. My DD and her DD had the answer and she (the mom) didn't check with me. If I had a pool, I would NEVER let a child swim unless I had talked to the parent and then, I would be watching like a hawk!!!!

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I still don't get why you can't just tell your kid she can't swim there anymore.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are going to have to lay it on your dd. It is clear to me that you think the mom is "off"... so the burden will lie with your dd.

I would think of ways to work this out if I were you, in fact it is good to start "the rules & consequences" for the neighbor's pool.

It is going to be a looong summer for you.

 

[Caradana]

She's 7. I kind of expect her to act like a 7-year-old. Put her in the time-out and tell her that if she goes swimming without asking for your permission, she will go to time-out every time in the future. And then tell her exactly how to do it. Say "next time you are playing with Beth Smith at Mrs. Smith's house, and you want to go swimming, call me on the telephone and ask me if it's OK."