What to do?

[Tricia819]

My 86 y.o. grandfather hasn't been well all summer. I know I've probably been in denial about how bad he really was, but last week the nursing home discharged him because he refuses to eat and his lab work was really high. The doctor recommended sending him to an endocrinologist, but they decided there was no point in sending him because there isn't anything they could really do for him. So they dicharged him home and called in hospice. Yesterday, my mom says hospice is giving him about a week to live. We're supposed to be leaving on Friday for 5 days in WDW and she wants to know what we're going to do if he dies before we leave or while we're gone? The "while we're gone" isn't really the problem, we'll be back long before the funeral, but if he dies before we leave am I obligated to cancel the trip to be supportive to my family? Support is really all I'd be because my father and my aunt would be handling all the important decisions.

I've known for a year that my grandfather probably wouldn't be around much longer, so I've had the attitude everytime I see him that it may be the last time. I didn't go see him in the nursing home because, frankly, they gross me out and it was a pain to try and visit because the kids would be bored out of their skulls. I really don't want to see him in his deteriorated condition, not that he would even know I was there because he sleeps 24 hrs a day now. Also, I'd rather that not be the last image my children have of their great-grandfather. (Believe me I know how this sounds.)

I don't want my father to think that I don't care, but at the same time:

1. I really really really want to go.
2. My husband already took the time off.
3. The trip is already paid for and while we have trip cancellation insurance, it's through AIG and aren't they one of the insurance companies that's in deep do do right now? What if they refuse to refund our money saying it was a "pre existing condition"?
4. We've had to tell our kids they couldn't do a lot of things in the last year because we couldn't afford it (I'm unemployed). My daughter's brownie troop was going to see Disney on Ice Friday, but I didn't buy her a ticket because I knew we were going to be gone. If I cancel the trip, (she doesn't know about it), she'll think she didn't get to go on the field trip because we couldn't afford it and I don't want her to feel excluded.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'd go to WDW, but then again, my family would understand, and would never want us to cancel a trip for a death in the family. I'm guessing your grandfather wouldn't want you to, either. My family is very practical.

 

[Tricia819]

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention the trip is a gift from my husband for our 11th wedding anniversary.

 

[wifey1220]

I would go to disney. My family would be mad. And call me selfish. But what can you really do staying home. Everyone will be very said if your gp passes on but since he has been sick for a while it is something that your family should be prepared for. When my grandma died everyone thought I was crazy because we took my son to chuck e cheeses before the viewing. Yes I was very sad my gm died but I was expecting it and I knew she was ready to go. She told me several times she was ready to go to heaven.

my gm isn't doing well either and I was worried our trip might have to be changed. i decided I was going to go and tell everyone my dh said we already paid for this trip and we're going. DH was fine with it.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I'd go. I totally understand your thought process also. My dad recently died of cancer and I didnt want my kids to see him in the hospice center the way he was (and they didn't go to the funeral either because they wouldn't understand - Papa's in Heaven yet Papa is laying in that box) So that my reasoning. I wanted them (and myself) to remember him happy and alive. I'd want to be at the funeral though.. but thats me.

 

[Tricia819]

Oh I'll go to the funeral, so will the kids, I think my older two understand.

When my grandmother died we had her funeral within a few days of her dying. I'm worried that if he dies before we leave, they'll want to have the funeral this weekend and will have to put it off for a few days until my family gets back.

 

[bgirl29]

OK I am a little confused. If you are asking about missing out on the planning for the funeral and such I think it is fine to go on vacation now. I would really want to be back for the funeral though. I do not think I could enjoy myself on vacation knowing I was missing a loved ones funeral.

 

[Tricia819]

I guess what I'm concerned about is:

1. Ducking out on the funeral preparations. (Although I don't know why my family would even need me there, I'm just a grand daughter, not a child/sibling.)

2. Making the family wait a few extra days to hold the funeral. For example, he passes tonight. My family would most likely hold the funeral this Saturday or Sunday, however since I'm out of town until Tuesday they now have to wait up to a week to hold the funeral.

 

[marlynnp]

okay, so you mean....
"Oh, sorry granddad died. We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. Hold the funeral until we get back!"


Seriously?????

 

[Tricia819]

Exactly

 

[kathianne]

Go on your trip...do what's important to you

 

[DizneeMommy]

I would've already cancelled (or postponed, if possible) the trip, but my family is very close. I'd want to be there to do whatever I could to make my mom or dad's load a little lighter.

 

[mjantz]

My DHs SIL died unexpectedly a few days before a long-scheduled 10th anniversary trip for DH & myself. What we did was DH flew up to his brothers ASAP & flew home the day of the funeral so we could leave for our trip the following day. The whole family was very understanding & DH was still able to be there for his brother. Now, to be totally honest, he was a bit upset at first that he could not attend the funeral. But I think he's moved on as time has passed.
They know your plans. If he dies before you leave & they decide to hold it until you come back (I've known funerals to be held up to a week later) then problem solved. If they don't, then you have a decision to make.
I would not change my plans but I wouldn't expect any funeral arrangements to take my vacation into consideration.

 

[Colinsmom]

Two of my grandparents died last year, and my family is pretty understanding about not making huge sacrifices to go to a funeral (saying good-bye and supporting your family is much, much more than being at a funeral for a couple of hours - and can be accomplished without being at said funeral). If your grandfather is still alive, I'd definitely go on the trip; there's no point in cancelling over what-ifs. If he dies before you leave, my family would tell us to still take the trip. What would you grandfather have wanted you to do if he were still able to make that decision? It sounds like this is important to your mom, but is it important to your dad that you be there no matter what, since it is his father?

If his death fell within the claim guidelines of your AIG travel insurance policy, they will pay the claim. AIG's parent company is in trouble, but the insurance companies are not at all in trouble. So you can cross that reason off of your list (as long as his death qualifies as a claim under the policy).

 

[mjantz]

I would've already cancelled (or postponed, if possible) the trip, but my family is very close. I'd want to be there to do whatever I could to make my mom or dad's load a little lighter.

Sorry to semi-double post but I had to respond to this. I'm very close to my family as well but we cannot (& they do not want us to) put our lives on hold for weeks, months or years. I know the OP said that hospice told them 1 week. But they could be wrong. My grandfather has been in poor health for the past 3-4 years. During that time frame we have taken a cruise, visited PA & NY and taken a mid-west road trip (after finding out he was put under the care of hospice). We say a prayer that things will be OK, plan what to do if something happens & live our lives. I have said a time or two 'Do you want us to cancel our trip?' & every time I have been told, empathatically, 'No!'.
I will attend the funeral when my grandfather passes but I will not put my life on hold until that day comes. I know, were my grandfathers' mind whole, he would not have wanted us to miss out on the experiences we have had the past 3-4 years because we were waiting for him to die.

 

[douglisa]

I am sorry about your Grandfather. It is a difficult thing.
When were in Florida my dad needed a quadrulple bypass. My sis called me while we were in Florida to tell me that we had to come back home to Iowa right away. I said no and she was furious, saying that she would pay our airfair. Answer was still no. I was miserable thinking about my father the entire time and would call every hour for updates. My sis sometimes brings up how selfish I was that time but Dad lived and was okay with it.
If you go you will have to deal with guilt and possibly some angry family members. It is a choice I do not envy.
Have you purchased trip insurance? Maybe the death of a relative would get you your money back. Is it too late to purchase insuance? If not I would check it out.

 

[Tricia819]

Both of my parents are saying to go. I suspect my dad is just saying what he thinks I want to hear even though my mom swears he's not. They're going to the funeral home today to start setting up the arrangements. There is a possibility that the funeral will be tomorrow, I guess the pastor of our church can't do the funeral on Friday, Saturday or Tuesday because of obligations with the church.

DH checked on our cancellation insurance and apparently it doesn't cover the flight. (?!?) Which was more expensive than the entire trip.

 

[momz3]

I have/had the same dilema. I gfather passed lastnight. We are supposed to leacve tomorrow morning. Everyone is telling us to go. I went to the hospital last night to say my goodbyes and such. It's just sad. I am torn. The funeral prob won't be till this weekend. My grandmother said to go. I was not close to him but all the same I feel weird going. He was my stepfathers dad.

Decisions.......

 

[tlens]

Honestly, my mouth was hanging open reading that. I simply cannot imagine making vacation more of a priority than your grandfather's funeral.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss.
But I wonder what your grandfather would have wanted you to do?

I know that mine would want me to go and enjoy myself, as best that I could. (I don't know if I could go as I would be too sad, but the funeral would not be my reason for not going.) If I did go I would ride his favorite ride several times, buy a Mickey balloon and release it to "send it up to him ", but in our family we are more the "celebrate life" type of people. I know I cannot say what I would do for sure as I am still lucky enough to have my grandparents, but I know that if it was my family and I was the one who had passed I'd want them to go and enjoy life while they could.

Course this is just me, my husband and I do not like the idea of funerals and actually have a "No Funeral" part of our wills where we say that we do not want to have funerals for either of us. We want our loved ones to come together and talk about good times and wonderful memories (like a wake) but no funeral. We are young but have discussed this with our families and they think that is a nice idea.

I wish you well whatever you decide.