What to do with unwanted/unwelcome gifts??!!

[ready123go]

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I should have titled the thread "What to do with people who give you unwanted/unwelcome things." or "How to cope with relatives who won't take "No" for an answer." since that is really my dilemma.

I never considered putting the smaller items in a box (or six) in the basement and 'redecorating' when she calls to come over. I like this idea. On a limited basis, this might work...

 

[FlightlessDuck]

What do you tell her if she were to complain after you have donated it?

"You said you didn't want it. We didn't want it, either."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What do you tell her if she were to complain after you have donated it? My DMIL is always so 'fragile'. She takes our not keeping her every household item so personally.

I am really scratching my head over how to handle her.

You just let her complain.

My mom finally got the message when she saw her stuff in my garage sale.

Now she asks, lol.

 

[bjscheel]

Or say you put it away for safekeeping. My aunt is a bit of a hoarder and a gifter of odd things. She totally understands packing something away in a box and shoving it under the bed because it is special and couldn't possibly be used- because that is something she does. So if something is "stored for safekeeping" it works for her when she doesn't see something in use.

 

[maxaroni]

My mom loved giving Christmas gifts and woul give gifts from our wish lists. However, she also loved catalog shopping and would also give some whacky gifts she thought would be useful. We thanked her (and dad but he wasn't the shopper), appreciated the thought. We chuckled to ourselves and moved on. We would donate these gifts, re-gift or took them to a white elephant party. This is now my 2nd Christmas after losing my mom. I would take all of those gifts back if it would mean she could still be here. My perspective has changed.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Or say you put it away for safekeeping. My aunt is a bit of a hoarder and a gifter of odd things. She totally understands packing something away in a box and shoving it under the bed because it is special and couldn't possibly be used- because that is something she does. So if something is "stored for safekeeping" it works for her when she doesn't see something in use.

Great idea! You could tell her it's in storage until you find the perfect place for it or so it doesn't get hurt, etc.

 

[rwdavis2]

After about 18 years my mother finally got the message to stop buying some gifts just so there were more packages to open at Christmas. One year I noticed what one wrapped item (RC car) was and finally told her to please return it or donate to some kid that might like it. The kids were getting many things that we never even took out of the boxes and were sent straight to charity.

 

[IceSkatingPrincess]

Return if I can, donate if I can't (and it isn't an heirloom-type item). Always look and be happy and grateful when receiving regardless of what are getting.

 

[tinatark]

I have an elderly aunt. women is 90, she is the joy of the family and my siblings and I make it a point to visit and involve her in the family.

Anyhoo last year we took her shopping in Manhattan, I saw a pair of jeans that I thought were cute but those suckers were 200 bucks. Let me say that unless those jeans turn me into Beyounce, no way no how would I spend 200 bucks on the jeans.

as much as we tell her not to buy us gifts the more she does. I'v e spoken with her 2 sons my cousins and lol, they said "I am not getting cursed out because of you, we've had this discussion a thousand times, you're on your own".

I accept the gift, tell her I love her and keep it moving.

It's a gift. donate it, appreciate it in the spirit is was intended and let it go.

I'm confused - did she buy the jeans for you as a gift??!!

 

[Disneylover99]

Save your unwanted gifts for Secret Santa, when you have to buy for someone you don't like.

 

[Imzadi]

So guess what we received as a present last week? Yep. Brand-spankin'-new fire pit.

She got us matching velour sweatsuits one year - hers in rust, mine in mauve (move over, Tony Soprano).

When the Mob shows up in your backyard wanting to bury a body under the new fire pit, you had better be wearing that mauve sweatsuit.


Seriously, you can't find people who'd take a brand new fire pit? There are 3 organizations I can think of off-hand: Craigslist, Freecycle and even local eBay (for local pick ups.) You advertise that _____ item is free (or even $5 on eBay) and will be at your curb at a designated time and for people to just come by and take it. There are plenty of people who will take the time to resell it themselves or donate it.

 

[ready123go]

@Imzadi , LOL.

It really isn't about much about the stuff - I can dispose of 'stuff', no problem. It's more about how to handle DMIL and her pronounced disappointment when she realizes that I've gotten rid of yet another of her beloved "gifts" or "décor".

She used to be into artificial flower arrangements (making them & attempting to sell them). All four (very large arrangements) that we received were accidentally destroyed by the dogs.

 

[Imzadi]

It really isn't about much about the stuff - I can dispose of 'stuff', no problem. It's more about how to handle DMIL and her pronounced disappointment when she realizes that I've gotten rid of yet another of her beloved "gifts" or "décor".

What do you tell her if she were to complain after you have donated it? My DMIL is always so 'fragile'. She takes our not keeping her every household item so personally.

I am really scratching my head over how to handle her.

I think you have to break the situation into two parts. When she notices that something she gave you is missing:

1) Profusely thank her for her generosity, for thinking of you & DH and giving you the "gift." This is what she would really be hurt about the most, that her thoughtfulness & generosity isn't being appreciated or acknowledged. (She just thinks the gift has to stay around for that appreciation to be acknowledged.)

Then separate out and make the gift itself UN-personal to you, (i.e. you didn't need it) YET keeping the initial generosity of the act intact for your DMIL, which is what she would really be upset about that the gift is gone. It's just symbolic.)

You have to RE-state that you've told her several times NOT to give you guys stuff as you & DH are so blessed to already have everything you need and so you found someone / lucked into someone who wanted the exact item that your DMIL generously gave to you, so you passed on her generosity to someone else who really, really, really wanted it or could use it. And mention how happy they were to receive your DMIL's generosity. So basically, your DMIL's generosity was being passed onto to yet another person - someone who could fully appreciate the gift, rather than be stuffed in a box in the basement.

You aren't really lying. Even if you give the "gifts" to charity, someone else WILL be quite happy to receive it at a great price at Goodwill. Someone in the Mob would be happy to find a brand new mauve sweatsuit at Goodwill after they snorted all their money up their nose.

If she gets hurt or tries to make it personal, go back & reiterate that you appreciate HER and her thoughtfulness about the act of giving the item. But the gift itself, is a totally separate issue. YOU didn't need it and someone else really, really did want it. ASK her (sometimes situations don't really go into the brain or change until you ASK people a question to make them THINK it through and it gets reordered in a different way,) ASK her: would she really prefer her gift remain in a box in the basement, OR being passed on to someone else who could really use her generosity? Didn't she give it to you because she couldn't stand the idea of it NOT being used in her own home? So NOW it is.

You may have to point out how you purged a few things from your home that YOU & DH bought and no longer need/use. Again it's not personal. You guys are purging other stuff out your home too.

She may think it through to realize the act of being appreciated for her giving is enough and she can let go of you needing to keep the gifts.

OR if she answers she'd really rather you guys keep it and she's still extremely hurt, then you have your answer for the next time she asks about the next missing item. As a PP poster said, "Oh, it's in a box in the basement for safekeeping." And still toss or donate it.

And under NO circumstances do you put up that fire pit. That is enabling the situation and giving mixed signals. You don't need it, don't put it up. You let her know you gave it away or it's also in the basement or being "stored away" [at Goodwill] until you get around to putting it up.

 

[ready123go]

I think you have to break the situation into two parts. When she notices that something she gave you is missing:

1) Profusely thank her for her generosity, for thinking of you & DH and giving you the "gift." This is what she would really be hurt about the most, that her thoughtfulness & generosity isn't being appreciated or acknowledged. (She just thinks the gift has to stay around for that appreciation to be acknowledged.)

Then separate out and make the gift itself UN-personal to you, (i.e. you didn't need it) YET keeping the initial generosity of the act intact for your DMIL, which is what she would really be upset about that the gift is gone. It's just symbolic.)

You have to RE-state that you've told her several times NOT to give you guys stuff as you & DH are so blessed to already have everything you need and so you found someone / lucked into someone who wanted the exact item that your DMIL generously gave to you, so you passed on her generosity to someone else who really, really, really wanted it or could use it. And mention how happy they were to receive your DMIL's generosity. So basically, your DMIL's generosity was being passed onto to yet another person - someone who could fully appreciate the gift, rather than be stuffed in a box in the basement.

You aren't really lying. Even if you give the "gifts" to charity, someone else WILL be quite happy to receive it at a great price at Goodwill. Someone in the Mob would be happy to find a brand new mauve sweatsuit at Goodwill after they snorted all their money up their nose.

If she gets hurt or tries to make it personal, go back & reiterate that you appreciate HER and her thoughtfulness about the act of giving the item. But the gift itself, is a totally separate issue. YOU didn't need it and someone else really, really did want it. ASK her (sometimes situations don't really go into the brain or change until you ASK people a question to make them THINK it through and it gets reordered in a different way,) ASK her: would she really prefer her gift remain in a box in the basement, OR being passed on to someone else who could really use her generosity? Didn't she give it to you because she couldn't stand the idea of it NOT being used in her own home? So NOW it is.

You may have to point out how you purged a few things from your home that YOU & DH bought and no longer need/use. Again it's not personal. You guys are purging other stuff out your home too.

She may think it through to realize the act of being appreciated for her giving is enough and she can let go of you needing to keep the gifts.

OR if she answers she'd really rather you guys keep it and she's still extremely hurt, then you have your answer for the next time she asks about the next missing item. As a PP poster said, "Oh, it's in a box in the basement for safekeeping." And still toss or donate it.

And under NO circumstances do you put up that fire pit. That is enabling the situation and giving mixed signals. You don't need it, don't put it up. You let her know you gave it away or it's also in the basement or being "stored away" [at Goodwill] until you get around to putting it up.

You have some good ideas here.

I've been trying to get a better handle on the psychology behind her attitude. With my in-laws it's been a completely foreign culture and language with no Rosetta Stone. My DH has never gotten along with his own family (finds them exasperating), so he's just as perplexed as I am.

Thanks for your input!! Much appreciated!

 

[scrapquitler]

It's a gift. Be gracious and accept it in the spirit in which it was given.

This. My grandmother lived next door to us, and she always gifted me the ugliest clothes I've ever seen. Smile, thank the giver, then put it away. But I had it trickier, because like I said, grandma lived next door, and visited every day. So the strategy Mom and I came up with was this: put the ugly sweater on, go over to Grandmas house to visit her. Come home, take it off. Then a week or so later, put it on again when she was at our house. After that, donate it, or wear outside to play in the yard. End. Grandma saw you with it on, so she was happy. You never had to wear it out in public, and then someone else got an almost brand new sweater from Goodwill.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

If it cannot be returned... donate it. There is a chance somebody out there might find it to be a "come up" at a thrift shop. (sorry for reference to that song, I couldn't resist).

If you are worried about that person seeing it, take it to another town and donate it. (yea I have done that)

 

[disneyfam]

This thread is reminding me of the hysterical gifts given by @Jeafl 's mother in law. If you haven't read those threads do a search, you won't be disappointed.

 

[leebee]

This thread is reminding me of the hysterical gifts given by @Jeafl 's mother in law. If you haven't read those threads do a search, you won't be disappointed.

First thing I thought of: Where's Jeafl? Actually, did she not post last year, or did I just miss it? She sure can tell a story, and it seems she has plenty of material from which to work!

 

[powellrj]

Goodwill!

My Grandmother would always look around her house to find something to send home with my mom every time we came to visit. When my mom got older, she did the something. I would just drop it off at Goodwill on my way home if it was something I had no need for. Now I find myself doing the something with my kids! I hate myself and swear I will never do it again and I still do it. I guess its genetic that we can't send anyone home empty handed!

 

[powellrj]

First thing I thought of: Where's Jeafl? Actually, did she not post last year, or did I just miss it? She sure can tell a story, and it seems she has plenty of material from which to work!

I think people were mean to her and she didn't post anymore. I thought she loved her DMIL and was a wonderful story teller. I miss her stories.