What to do with a Black Sheep?

[Princess Roo]

Don't know if this would work or even be better for you guys, but since you mention that she tries to hand her daughter off to others... What if you offered to just take her daughter for her so that she could have some real relaxing time with her DH at home and not have to spend so much money? Maybe everyone in the family would take turns "babysitting" the toddler if it meant SIL didn't come?

 

[tlbwriter]

I think that 2Kds2K9 brought up a valid point though -- I am taking MIL for a VACATION (it is a lot of work to run after a 17-month old all day!) and I am sure that SIL will pawn off her daughter on MIL because she is "on vacation". I wish we could set some stipulations on her, but how to enforce such a thing with an adult? Send her home early?

Well, I suspect your MIL doesn't want to be "mean" and therefore won't tell SIL that she isn't babysitting. So you might be able to do it for her. Explain to SIL that there are a lot of things you have planned for MIL, some of which are suprises (whether or not this is true) and that she WILL NOT BE BABYSITTING, DO NOT EVEN ASK.

I also had another thought: we are doing two different suites, though they will probably be next to each other. We want to do the Dining Plan, as does the couple who refuses to room with SIL. Maybe that could be the deciding factor, as I am certain that SIL won't do the meal plan.

Doesn't everyone (or no one) in the room have to do the dining plan? I don't know how it works with DVC. If so, there's your solution - she cannot room with anyone unless she does the dining plan. And you cannot afford another DVC suite for her. So, either she stays at a value, or she doesn't go. And of course the flight tickets are a great possibility too - tell her that there is no way you're changing your tickets now, but if she wants to make her own reservations (which will of course be more $ than yours) she is welcome to do so.

The other option is, of course, to tell her the truth. Have a family intervention. Tell her she is selfish and entitled, no one wants to room with her, and therefore she's just not going to be able to come.

 

[Nancyg56]

because I would just say "too bad" to everyone's complaints. Including the ones who don't want to room with SIL. They are getting a free room, for crying out loud! And they "refuse" to room with her? Tough! I'd set up the room assignments, and say this is how it is, take it or leave it! Anyone who absolutely couldn't/wouldn't room with her would then book and pay for their own room if it were that big of an issue, and the problem would solve itself. I thought you said they said they were so glad to be going they'd be happy to sleep on the floor.....but they can't sleep in the same 2 BR suite as your SIL?

I say, stop trying to play referee. You have offered to do an incredibly generous thing for your family, and all they can do is complain about it--and that INCLUDES the other members who are whining about SIL going and having to possibly room with her! I think everyone is forgetting how ungrateful those family members are being as well by making those complaints and "refusing" to room with her. It sounds like some of your family members do not want to have to stand up to SIL themselves if they have to room with her, and tell her no, I won't watch your kid, or no, you can't hog the bathroom, or hey, you're being a pain right now, or whatever. So instead they want you to solve the problem for them and deal with her by making sure they don't have to room with her. That's not fair to you, and they are adults and are certainly capable of telling her to back off when she's going over the line.

I wouldn't put her with your parents. You said you wanted your parents to have a vacation. Well, how much of a vacation will they really have if she is there to pawn off her kid on them, beg money from them, etc?

I would decide which room she would most appropriately fit into based on size alone, and then make the "assignment", let everyone know, and be done with it. If they don't like it, they are free to stay in another room at their own expense.

Bottom line, if you continue to try to accommodate everyone, they will all continue to try to take advantage of you and bombard you with their requests and preferences. Set it up and leave it alone, and let the chips fall where they may. You just can't please everyone.

I was thinking the same thing as I read through this thread.

OP the person who needs the biggest break from SIL is your MIL. Let the others room with her and tell them that all are invited and you are not going to get in the middle of any family issues. If the sleeping arrangements are not acceptable you understand that they will want to book their own room.

When we were planning our first trip in many years my SIL was not happy with the plans my DD had made. They were not the same as the plans her friend always made. Well the Disney room rules had changed, my DD had done a lot of research and made plans according to what was working best for our family. SIL was not happy and threatened to stay with her niece, it would be cheaper for her. I told her that I understood and would make sure that she was aware of all of our plans so that she could join us at any time. Issue over. She stayed with us, agreed that DD's work and plans were worth every penny and had a wonderful time.

 

[MinnieTink]

All I can say is....

I wish I was your sister in law!!! Wow, treating the room! You sooo rock!

And

I am so glad I am not the only one with inlaw 'issues!' There is comfort in knowing that many people have nuts on the family tree!!!!

Good luck with your plans!

 

[TinkerbellMama]

As in every family, DH's sister is the family's "black sheep" who has just recently decided to attend with us. We are now getting emails from other family members telling us that they do not want to room with her and she will ruin the vacation. DH and I feel their concerns are valid. We even toyed with the idea of paying for a room at a value resort for her, her husband, and 2 yo daughter.

SIL has no idea that others feel this way about her. We figured she wouldn't be able to afford to go (she can't, but is going anyway) when we invited everyone. We couldn't have invited everyone BUT her, anyway, kwim?

What do we do? What would you do? Any advice is appreciated...even those who flame me for getting into this mess.

Honestly, the bolded part is the part that blows me away! Lots of family members don't like her, to the point that they don't want to be on vacation with her, but she has no idea??? That seems REALLY odd to me. Has anyone talked to her about the behavior they find unacceptable? Or does everyone just complain behind her back to you or whoever else? The whole thing seems crazy to me. In my family, the nuts KNOW they are the nuts and are okay with it! I would start by having a talk with SIL and gently reminding her that XYZ (since you haven't said why people don't like her) would cause a disruption to the trip and could she either refrain from doing so, or would she feel more comfortable in another room? Quite frankly, I think it's odd that you invited her knowing so many people can't stand her. If you didn't know it, I apologize...but you said the concerns are valid so I figure you must have known SOMEONE would be unhappy with her presence, and for good reason.
Like I said, in my family, the crazies are talked about openly and we try to work out solutions that make everyone as happy as possible. And if it were only a mild dislike or annoyance, we'd certainly suck it up for a trip to Disney World! Maybe that's just weird. Good luck!!

ETA: I originally drafted this response before you posted the reasons no one likes her. Again, all I can say is that you knew all this before you invited her, so now you can't back out. If others don't like it, they are free to decline and stay home. Jeez...putting you in the middle like that...selfish people! You've been very kind and generous. Tell them they are free to pay their own way 100% in order to have their "ideal" WDW trip!

 

[dzorn]

Are the two bedroom lockoffs. If so just have them lock the one sudio bedroom off and have it be like their own studio.

Family can be a pain. For those that are so generous God Bless You. I don't think I could pull it off. I'm stressing just planning a DCL vacation for my family and DMom and DSis. Other enjoyment is not your responsibility.

If someone has the nerve to complain about their free accomidation I would tell them they are free not to go.

Denise in MI

 

[agnes!]

I cannot stress this enough...
Do NOT allow your SIL to room with her wonderful mother. This time at WDW is supposed to be special for your MIL, not for the bratty/selfish SIL.

What does everyone else in the family realistically expect you to do? Why do the other relatives get to collaborate with your SIL to ruin your MIL's down-time? I don't know, i think they should suck it up and make your MIL's time a special one.

agnes!

 

[TupperMom7]

I didn't read all the other replies, but since the Black Sheep sister has decided at the last minute to go with you all, she should understand if there is "no room at the inn". Book her a room at a value resort - she can still use Disney Transportation and if she wants to meet up with you all once in a while, she can arrange to meet you in the parks. She may be more comfortable in her own room since there are people in the family who do not get along with her - isn't she aware that they don't get along with her?

 

[disykat]

I would not discount the pleas of your family not to room with SIL. I'm sure they are excited about your generous gift and are not just complaining. I would not accept a gift that would make me miserable and would prefer to stay home - I'm guessing they feel the same. OP would end up spending a lot of points for just her, her parents, and SIL! The rest of the family are using some of their own money as well, along with vacation time and so I'm sure they don't want to be miserable.

I know this sounds drastic, but I would even consider backing out of the whole thing before it's too late. If your family doesn't want to vacation together, they don't.

I would find a way to "cancel." Rather, I would tell SIL I didn't have enough points for everyone now and had to cancel the idea of offering free accomodations for everyone. I would make sure she knew you are still paying for your parents and that it is meant to be a "duty free" vacation for them. Then it's possible others would want to join you at the same time. If you happen to provide housing for some of them with your points.... well, then. Everyone doesn't have to know everything. If SIL still wants to go, she can go at the same time. Offer to find out rates at the value for her. At that point, everyone can take turns playing interference so MIL gets a vacation, but no one is stuck with HER.

 

[kimberh]

Are the two bedroom lockoffs. If so just have them lock the one sudio bedroom off and have it be like their own studio.

I think they are, of course she would not have a washer/dryer in the studio. Honesty is the best policy. I would just tell her the truth. She will still be doing this at 50.

Everyone in the room has to be on the Dining Plan, if you are using the DDP. In 2008 the tip is extra, and will be added to parties of 6 or more. This is another expense that someone will pay for her.
good luck!

 

[Tink-aholic]

WOW! So many replies! Thanks for all of the amazing advice and kind words.

To answer some of the questions:

SIL doesn't know that everyone feels this way about her because she doesn't get that other people have feelings. Nevermind subtle social cues... other people just aren't on her radar. Wanna hear something weird? I thought I was the only one with a problem with her (I would never dream of saying something negative about her to her family!). But since we started planning this trip, all kinds of opinions are coming out.

I didn't even MEAN to invite her because I figured that if she is just starting bankruptcy proceedings (and not employed) that there is no way she COULD go. MIL offered to take the granddaughter but SIL wouldn't let her go without her.

Yes, the studio is a lockoff, but there will have to be another couple in there with her. I agree that it shouldn't be MIL.

Because we have two 2 BRs, we can have all of the people in one of the 2BRs on the DDP and everyone in the other 2BR pay cash, right?

I love the idea about planning MIL's time so that there is no time to watch the granddaughter (even the naps). Also, we are getting an ECV for MIL and she won't be able to push a stroller.

DH is going to talk to his family today. He is very reluctant because there is a history of long estrangements in the family, and he thinks this will start another one. My feeling is that one is probably going to happen anyway...and why should the REST of us walk on eggshells around her to "keep the peace"? Besides, if she is abusing prescription drugs, someone needs to say something to her. We will have three impressionable teens with us plus a 9 yo and I don't want them to think that behavior is okay.

As far as her other issues, I feel that we can deal with her selfish quirks for a week (NOTHING can get me down in Disney!!) because we won't all be together much. Most likely, she'll just end up sleeping the whole time and complaining about everything. That I can handle.

Thanks for everything. I'll keep you all posted (if you want) to let you know what pans out.

 

[tlbwriter]

Thanks for everything. I'll keep you all posted (if you want) to let you know what pans out.

Please do!

 

[rccruiser]

My wife and I had a nightmare vacation experience ourselfs. We invited a family aquainance from church that "volunteered" to assist us with the kids while on vacation. It turned out that when they arived at the World they didn't have but only 100.00 in their pocket, no tickets to the park and only a few items of clothing. We found out that they were nursing a bad chewing tobacco habit that we knew nothing about before the trip. Which accounted for the wierd behavior of having to disapear every couple of hours. Feeling sorry for the rather Large person I paid for a 4 day park hopper ticket and also paid for all the meals.
We were so freaked out about the bizzare behavior change that we didn't dare trust them with the kids so we not only had to take care of our kids but babysit the babysitter too! The "Guest" could not walk after the 2nd day because of their 450 lb size so we ended up having to rent a wheel chair and I ended up pushing the individual through the park along with my wife pushing the double stroller for the kids!
Never again will I invite anyone but immediate family on a vacation trip. It is just too risky when you don't know what or how they are going to react. You don't want to be responsible for another liability. Don't risk it.

 

[rccruiser]

My wife and I had a nightmare vacation experience ourselfs. We invited a family aquainance from church that "volunteered" to assist us with the kids while on vacation. It turned out that when they arived at the World they didn't have but only 100.00 in their pocket, no tickets to the park and only a few items of clothing. We found out that they were nursing a bad chewing tobacco habit that we knew nothing about before the trip. Which accounted for the wierd behavior of having to disapear every couple of hours. Feeling sorry for the rather Large person I paid for a 4 day park hopper ticket and also paid for all the meals.
We were so freaked out about the bizzare behavior change that we didn't dare trust them with the kids so we not only had to take care of our kids but babysit the babysitter too! The "Guest" could not walk after the 2nd day because of their 450 lb size so we ended up having to rent a wheel chair and I ended up pushing the individual through the park along with my wife pushing the double stroller for the kids!
Never again will I invite anyone but immediate family on a vacation trip. It is just too risky when you don't know what or how they are going to react. You don't want to be responsible for another liability. Don't risk it.

 

[runwad]

Honestly, the bolded part is the part that blows me away! Lots of family members don't like her, to the point that they don't want to be on vacation with her, but she has no idea??? That seems REALLY odd to me. Has anyone talked to her about the behavior they find unacceptable? Or does everyone just complain behind her back to you or whoever else? The whole thing seems crazy to me. In my family, the nuts KNOW they are the nuts and are okay with it! I would start by having a talk with SIL and gently reminding her that XYZ (since you haven't said why people don't like her) would cause a disruption to the trip and could she either refrain from doing so, or would she feel more comfortable in another room? Quite frankly, I think it's odd that you invited her knowing so many people can't stand her. If you didn't know it, I apologize...but you said the concerns are valid so I figure you must have known SOMEONE would be unhappy with her presence, and for good reason.
Like I said, in my family, the crazies are talked about openly and we try to work out solutions that make everyone as happy as possible. And if it were only a mild dislike or annoyance, we'd certainly suck it up for a trip to Disney World! Maybe that's just weird. Good luck!!

ETA: I originally drafted this response before you posted the reasons no one likes her. Again, all I can say is that you knew all this before you invited her, so now you can't back out. If others don't like it, they are free to decline and stay home. Jeez...putting you in the middle like that...selfish people! You've been very kind and generous. Tell them they are free to pay their own way 100% in order to have their "ideal" WDW trip!

In my family too!!! Just thought that was funny. Good luck OP

 

[Gillian]

Good luck with the family "chat!"

If no one wants to share the 2nd bedroom with SIL, maybe they can take up a collection to get her a separate room.

 

[LadyShea]

She sounds like she has possibly serious mental health issues and if she is abusing drugs a family intervention should be in the works anyway (tough love even "get your act together or don't speak to us anymore").

The best advice so far for this situation, in my opinion, is from aliceacc, which was basically to just pretend she is a normal, responsible adult capable of handling her own arrangements. Explain that if she is isn't willing to sleep in the non-King room she will need to get her own and here's a number to call. Also explain that if she stays with y'all, everyone has to be on the DDP and have park hopper tickets, so she needs to send you X dollars within 5 days to add her to your reservations. Tell her the airline you are using and let her make her own flight reservations etc.

Entitled people like that usually won't lift a finger to do anything themselves, and if she asks you for money or to do the planning for her tell her truthfully "You are a 3X year old woman not a 5 year old, do it yourself I have enough on my plate".

 

[nkess]

Wondering how your family chat went...

 

[Tink-aholic]

Ever notice how things have an uncanny way of taking care of themselves sometimes? It looks like a "big talk" may not even be necessary.

DH had planned to go over to talk, but there were other issues and he didn't get a chance to bring it up. I am actually glad he didn't, because other events have taken place that make it far more difficult for her to go -- and we don't have to look like the bad guys.

For example, SW released their April fares to Orlando and they are $150 more per person than we thought. That is a blow to all of us, but we have enough time to save up for the difference. In addition, SW (if that is the airline we take) now requires that a ticket be purchased for children who are 2 (it used to be OVER 2), which means they have to fork over an extra $450 in addition to the $300 for the higher airfare.

It also looks like everyone else is going to be on the DDP, which means that she will have to do it, too. To me, the DDP is more for the convenience than for the value. To her, the price will probably seem excessive.

Finally, SIL had a condition placed upon her by her husband that she had to get and keep a job in order for them to go. She has been employed almost full-time now for over a month and has only showed up for work for about half of that time. Now she has a back injury that has kept her out of work for at least a week. I honestly don't think that she will have this job much longer, which means that all of this will be a moot point (I hope!).

The whole family is coming over for Thanksgiving (am I a glutten for punishment or what?? ) and we can all talk about Disney then. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for following up!

 

[JenH1969]

wow- hoping it all works out- Have a great Thanksgiving! Jen