What to do...no hugging situation

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks!!!!!
It sounds like you and your husband are doing well !
I appreciate the info.

I will say that the ice thing is something that I am not really familiar with.
I think, to me, it is possible that this was just a poor judgement in conversation/comments.
(unless the ice thing is a factor for any of the four of you.....)
If that is the case, and is the only, or one of very very few, off-color comments, it could be a bit of an over-reaction?

I can understand how hard this might be, and how overwhelming the thought of talking to somebody, or considering some meds.
I do think, though, that it sounds like this has been increasing, and you have been increasingly 'accommodating', over time.
This sounds like some pretty big limitations on your life, and maybe your husband's as well.
And, don't forget the weight of the responsibility, on your husband, to always be there and help and support.
That could be increasing as well.

Please do consider, especially with your husband's support, thinking about taking some steps that could really make a difference. This could make life easier and better for you, and your husband as well !

 

[VandVsmama]

Ok that ice comment from the guy was rude. That puts a totally different spin on his hugging.

You know what you should do if he makes another comment like that thing about the ice? When your husband and the guy’s wife return to the table, you repeat it to your husband. Say, “Hey, DH, Mr Tool said x. Why do you think he’d say that?”

Then turn to Mr Tool and assertively say, “Why would you say that?”

Don’t let him hug you. It makes you uncomfortable. You don’t have to give an explanation. But if you want to give one, put your hand up in front of him when he leans in for a hug and just say, “Sorry, not a hugger.” Then shake his hand or give him a fist bump and deflect the tension with something like “How’s it goin’?”

 

[ashley0139]

I am so overwhelmed by all of the very thoughtful responses. My husband is definitely more expressive and assertive. He is very aware of my quirks and dislike of social situations. He is also very protective of me in all situations. He always has my back. I sometimes wonder why God blessed me with such a wonderful husband.

To answer your question... it may not seem off color to others. Maybe I am overreacting. Y’all can let me know. Several weeks ago, we went out to eat with this couple. My husband and his wife both got up to go get more ice and drink in their cups. Something was said about ice. He asked me if I liked to chew on ice. I said not really. He then said, “I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard that people who chew on ice have something missing in the sex department.” Like I said before, if we had all been at the table, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. It is just that we were alone that it was so awkward. I just kind of got flustered and said something to the effect that I hadn’t heard that before.

Some folks have said that I should get some help, and I probably should. The only thing is, I am able to mainly deal with it by just not going to anything where I have to make small talk with anyone. I function very well at work. Anything I talk to anyone about is job related. The only times I get bent out of shape is when I have to conference with my boss. Any social situations that I have to go to like funerals, weddings, family get togethers... my husband is always with me and carries the conversation. But, we don’t go to many things. Only when it is absolutely necessary. I also enjoy hugs from my husband and children, just not anyone else. I do feel like it is progressively getting worse so I will need some help at some point. Just not now.

Thank all of you for all of the ideas to think over. I think I am just going to have to either hit it head on and say no hugging or touching or let my husband stay between us and say it. I’ll probably opt for the latter since I’m a big chicken.

Don't wait for it to get even worse before you talk to a doctor about it. It sounds like it has gotten worse already. There is absolutely no reason to wait. You don't want it to affect your husband and kids' lives. A doctor can help you with this.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

Next time you see him, could you arrange that your husband already has an arm around you while you both greet this couple with a wave and a hello? Then once the greeting is given, there is no need for a hug. Or, maybe be busy with something in the kitchen when they arrive, just nod and say hello, and be taking something out of the oven, carrying a tray of something, stirring something, etc.

I wouldn't use the coming down with a cold excuse. If I came to someone's house and they told me they were getting sick, I would be upset thinking now I'm going to get sick, and why wasn't the get together just cancelled.

FWIW, I am medicated for anxiety, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It's not easy to seek help.

 

[2goofycampers]

When he comes in for the hug, give him a fist bump. If you feel comfortable with it.

 

[ronandannette]

I guess we all just need to be sensitive to how others feel about hugging and personal space.
Our HR department put on a seminar about how you should not hug a co-worker without asking first.
This was a few months before my mom passed away. After she passed and the day I returned to work, the most comforting (to me) thing that happened were the spontaneous, genuine hugs co-workers gave me......without asking.
The most awkward? The girl (okay woman) whose parents lived across the street from my mom, whom I have known for nearly 50 years, went to high school and college with, car pooled with and even briefly dated.....SHE ASKED FIRST if she could give me a hug. However, she is the wedding and funeral coordinator for her church, so probably deals with this much more frequently than I do. But just seemed awkward

I see your point. Being asked IS awkward because really - how do you say no? I'd rather side-step into a quick, less than graceful hug than say "no, please no" and leave both of us feeling weird.

I am so overwhelmed by all of the very thoughtful responses. My husband is definitely more expressive and assertive. He is very aware of my quirks and dislike of social situations. He is also very protective of me in all situations. He always has my back. I sometimes wonder why God blessed me with such a wonderful husband.

To answer your question... it may not seem off color to others. Maybe I am overreacting. Y’all can let me know. Several weeks ago, we went out to eat with this couple. My husband and his wife both got up to go get more ice and drink in their cups. Something was said about ice. He asked me if I liked to chew on ice. I said not really. He then said, “I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve heard that people who chew on ice have something missing in the sex department.” Like I said before, if we had all been at the table, it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. It is just that we were alone that it was so awkward. I just kind of got flustered and said something to the effect that I hadn’t heard that before.

Some folks have said that I should get some help, and I probably should. The only thing is, I am able to mainly deal with it by just not going to anything where I have to make small talk with anyone. I function very well at work. Anything I talk to anyone about is job related. The only times I get bent out of shape is when I have to conference with my boss. Any social situations that I have to go to like funerals, weddings, family get togethers... my husband is always with me and carries the conversation. But, we don’t go to many things. Only when it is absolutely necessary. I also enjoy hugs from my husband and children, just not anyone else. I do feel like it is progressively getting worse so I will need some help at some point. Just not now.

Thank all of you for all of the ideas to think over. I think I am just going to have to either hit it head on and say no hugging or touching or let my husband stay between us and say it. I’ll probably opt for the latter since I’m a big chicken.

That comment is just crude and dumb (IMO), not overtly sexually predatory. I don't appreciate that kind of talk but many people find it hilarious. I'd have been mildly disgusted by it and would have let him know it, but wouldn't feel threatened in any way.

I'm also no expert whatsoever on the type of anxiety you experience but it does seem your self-awareness is pretty high and you go to fairly great lengths to isolate yourself within your comfort zone. I grew up with a (very beloved) mother who was controlled by anxiety, 40 years ago before "anxiety" was a thing. My Ddad's life mission was accommodating her "coping mechanisms" and it affected my childhood in ways I can't begin to explain here. Why not just seek help, if it is indeed available? I wish you well.

 

[morgan98]

As for the ice comment, I would consider it a bit immature, but not particularly threatening. Was it awkward, probably, but I don't think he was being suggestive towards you personally. It could have been his lame attempt at explaining why your spouses needed more ice. However, I really do not get completely bent out of shape over comments like that.

I still think your best bit it to just say to are not a hugger and make a joke of it.

I also think you should consider seeking help if this particular situation is causing you so much stress.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I am not a hugger. My family asks and knows there a strict time limit. Same goes for a very select friends. They all make fun of me for it (usually imitating my half-hugs or how I’ll just side-step without thinking). It’s all in good fun and I know it helps them to joke so that when I’m in on the joke it confirms it’s a me issue and not a them issue. I hope that makes sense. Affection like that helps people feel loved even if they know it and even if you say it.

You’re in more of a bind because it sounds like this has been 5 years in the making. It’s very easy (IMO) for new friends to just say straight out that you’re not a hugger. Lots of women (and some men) tend to greet women with a hug on first meeting. If it’s somebody I don’t think I’ll see but once or twice, I’ll just do a quick hug because they’re more like “air hugs”. If I do end up seeing them more regularly, I just say “hey, I’m actually not a big hugger, it’s a me thing.” I’ve never had it be an issue, really. If people forget I remind them and I’ve found if they don’t take you as seriously a “hey, I’ve told you I don’t like hugs, don’t hug me” rattles them out of it.

My advice is don’t tell the wife or have your husband tell him or any of that telephone nonsense. Just tell him, “hey, you know, I’m actually not a hugger and it causes me some anxiety. I’d rather just high five, wave whatever”. IMO this makes it way less of a ordeal then getting other people involved-that just amplifies it and makes it seem like her husband is the issue. Yeah, you can say you have a cold or side step or always be hugging your husband already, but by about the 3rd time that’s going to be weird. Continuously coming up with creative avoidance is going to cause the same stress as hugging.

If you think this guy is a creep then you think he’s a creep and maybe don’t hang out with them anymore. The ice comment is like what we used to say in middle school that peeling labels off bottles means you’re sexually frustrated. It’s a lame sophomoric joke that would have made me roll my eyes. I wouldn’t have been offended or creeped out (unless there was a propositioning a tone issue) or disgusted. But that’s just me. A lame joke is a lame joke.